Autopilot. Here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:
2 year old daughter defecating on toys after being potty trained
Um… I hate to burst your bubble, but if she's defecating on toys, she's not really potty trained. Unless you keep her toys in the toilet.
arthur dw sex story lemon
I get a fair amount of traffic from pornographic searches involving children's television and literary characters. But this is my first incestuous one. And the first that involves a lemon.
berenstain bears mama moan
See!
candy land cynical version
It would probably be nothing but Lose A Turn spaces.
4 and 4 and 4 and 4 minus one
15.
4 and 4 and 4 minus 1
11. C'mon, I can do this all day. I'm like Rain Man, people.
creative ways to cure cynical people
Fellatio.
Hey, it was worth a shot.
what is it when one of your testicles disappears
A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
strip club "magic words" extras
Try "I'm with Pacman Jones."
pornographic napkin decorations
Looks like someone's trying to spice up Thanksgiving dinner this year!
can you have children with crabs?
No. I think it's impossible for a human to get a crab pregnant.
What? That's not what you meant?
kid picked ncaa bracket
He probably did better than I did.
days of the week underpants god
There's a God for underpants? I'm building an altar now. I was beginning to think I'd never get my son potty trained.
punk rock prom dress zombie teeth leopard print
You really, really, really hate your parents, don't you?
people are people wherever you go dr seuss
I think that's Depeche Mode, not Dr. Seuss.
my child eats candles
Time to cut back on the séances, dude.
testicles in beach chair
This is why I always put a towel down before sitting on a beach chair. And that's only after I've covered the chair with Saran Wrap.
amount of foe per diaper
Every diaper is my enemy.
how many drugs did dr seuss do
I often find myself asking the same question.
ryan seacrest naked
My eyes! My eyes!
am i a girl trapped in a boy's body
No. You are actually a girl trapped in a platypus trapped in a boy's body. Have fun in therapy!
what did dr. seuss's mom read to make him go to sleep
Notes From Underground.
humorous bikini wax story got children down for nap
Now there's a children's book I'd like to read!
bear sounds go grrrrrrrrrrrrr
Very good! Next week, we'll work on pig sounds.
how to cast out witchcraft demons from legs
Witchcraft demons? Is this the excuse your girlfriend's using to avoid having sex with you?
tips on swinging microphone
Google can't teach you how to be a rock star.
chicken toilet
Worst garage band name ever.
got milk slogans for def leppard
Must resist urge to make a joke about the drummer's missing appendage.
killers ring doorbells in south carolina and kill whoever answers
This should all but destroy the Jehovah's Witnesses' SC campaign.
i can see debris in the urine of my 3 year old daughter
Really? I see the Virgin Mary!
nail polish testicles
Even Johnny Knoxville's crew wouldn't try this one.
case studies of women with oral fixation and sperm
Porn for academics!
Witchcraft Demons, Pornographic Napkins, The Underpants God, And Dr. Seuss
Stress
Do you ever feel like your skin is too tight?
Like your skeleton grew two inches overnight but your skin didn't catch up?
And for some strange reason, the only thing that makes you feel better is water? You yearn to take long showers. You'd lick your hands like a cat if it was socially acceptable and not downright disgusting.
And let's not forget the herd of elephants that have decided to make your chest their personal stomping grounds!
And your head feels like someone is playing this song on a loop.
But the weather has changed.
Culture Is Wasted On The Young
Every year in North Carolina, busloads of elementary and middle school children take fields trips to landmarks like the Biltmore House and the Chinqua Penn Plantation. And every year, busloads of elementary and middle school children are bored out of their gourds. 
Another popular destination on the North Carolina field trip circuit is Old Salem, a look at life in an 18th century settlement. It's kind of like Williamsburg, Virginia, but without the cool roller coasters.
I went to Old Salem once during a field trip in middle school and have only one real memory from that day. I vaguely recall the old buildings and the people dressed in Colonial garb. You want to know what I remember most from that day?
Making out with Maddie in the back of the school bus.
Yeah, I'm pretty shallow.
But I can't be the only one. Maybe I've always been too much of a redneck, but nothing at Old Salem (other than Maddie) held my attention. I was twelve years old. I didn't care about blacksmiths, powdered wigs, and quill pens. None of my sexual fantasies involved Colonial women. Or milkmaids. Hell, my sexual fantasies at age twelve just simply revolved around Sex: The Act.
My point? I think it's useless taking kids on field trips to landmarks like the ones I mentioned above. I don't believe showing twelve-year-olds an old building or some dork dressed in knickers has any educational value. They won't truly appreciate such places until they're much older. If the kids aren't totally bored, they're stifling snickers or making out on the bus (or far worse -- it is 2008 now). Rev up the bus and take the children to science museums, art museums, and prisons. Places that will hold their attention. Places where they can will actually learn a thing or two.
The coffee pot in the photos stands just outside the entrance to Old Salem. The pot is twelve feet tall and has a circumference of sixteen feet. Pretty freaking big. Want to learn more about the giant coffee pot? Of course you do. Or would you rather make out with Maddie instead?
Song of the day: Sex On Wheels by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
Stuff Only I Care About LXXVIII
Weekly Random Thoughts On The New York Yankees
The Yankees went 3-3 the past week, bringing their record to 17-17. They are currently tied for third in the AL East and are 4 1/2 games behind Boston.Set Your Tivos
Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored (who still carries theFree Music
You can download another Nine Inch Nails album, The Slip, for free. All you need to do is give Trent your email address (I think he's planning on sending us all Blue Mountain e-cards this Christmas).They Just Make This Shit Up, Don't They?
So I was watching MSNBC on Tuesday night, checking out the early primary results. With 20% of the Indiana vote counted and Clinton leading 131,782 votes to 97,998, they deemed the Indiana race too early to call. Yet with 0% of the North Carolina vote counted and Clinton leading 1,323 votes to 870, they called the North Carolina race for Obama.How in the hell can they do this? And yes, that is a rhetorical question. I know they pay people to run exit polls. But didn't the media learn something from their early speculations during the 2000 Presidential election?
I Am Naïve
In my last post, I made a joke about receiving last-second calls from the candidates. Actually, I received seven calls on the day of the election (two after 5:00 PM). Obama rang my house four times to Hillary's three. Guess that's why he won the state.But it was nice for Chelsea to call and chat.
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Dutch claims fatherhood is like the Special Olympics.
- Marla gets hot and bothered.
- Matthew embarrasses his daughter.
- Whit shares a must-have parenting tool.
So This Is What It's Like To Have A Vote That Matters
Dear Barack, Hillary, and John--
First of all, I'm very flattered with all the attention I've received the past two weeks. We North Carolinians aren't used to this kind of adoration; the primaries are usually decided long before we cast our ballots. Thanks for making me feel special.
That said, we get it. The three of you are each hoping to be the next President of the United States. And I realize that our 115 delegates are the greatest prize of any remaining state.
But you know what? I think we've made up our minds by now. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I know who I'm voting for on Tuesday. There's no need to continue criss-crossing the state looking for photo ops while preaching to your respective choirs. There's no need to blanket the television and radio with your ads as if there's someone out there who will suddenly say, "You know, I never liked Candidate B but that thirty-second spot during Two And A Half Men changed my mind!"
Couldn't this money be spent in better ways?
Please don't call my house anymore. While I've loved hearing from you three (although it seems every time I try to speak, you just keep talking like it was a recording or something), calling my house at noon on a Sunday just reeks of desperation. If any of you drunk dials my house late Monday night looking for a booty call last second vote, I'll be hanging up.
And even though gas prices are at an all-time high and I truly appreciate the offer, I don't need a ride to the polls on Tuesday. But if any of you are game for babysitting, please let me know.
Hugs & Kisses,
Chag
P.S. Um, John? What the hell are you even doing calling my house? You've got the Republican nomination wrapped up, dude. Take a vacation and just chill until you find out who your opponent is.
Song of the day: I'm In Love With A Girl by Big Star
