28 Days Later

28 days ago, I turned 40.

28 days later, I'm still alive.

I had a hard time turning 40. So I decided to give myself a little present.

I stopped smoking.

Three days prior to turning 40, in the midst of my midlife crisis emotional breakdown, I decided that it would be a damn fine time to break a habit I'd been handcuffed to for over 25 years.

I-di-ot.

28 days ago, I took the kids to school. I came home, sat down at my usual smoking spot on the front steps, and had what I hoped would be my final cigarette.

28 days later, I'm still cigarette free.

I hope I can say the same thing 28 days from now.

I hope I can say the same thing 28 years from now.

Safe House

I have been to the NC Zoo many times over the last 20 years. At least twice a year on average.

I like the zoo. Today, I learned how to let a chimpanzee know that I am friendly. And it really worked!

SPOILER ALERT!

You just drag your knuckles across the glass. Apparently, it lets the chimpanzee know he's in charge.

I do not know if that works in the wild. I guess you would need to carry a pane of glass with you at all times.

END SPOILER ALERT!

The NC Zoo has over five miles of paths that connect the exhibits. It is situated on 1,458 acres (according to Wikipedia, it is the largest walk-through natural-habitat zoo).

It is quite large.

And I'm totally convinced you could live in the woods at the zoo, undetected.

And you wouldn't even need any Rambo shit to pull it off.

Cigarette Songs

I've mentioned it before, but I loved being a DJ in college. But how could you not love it?

I played music for everyone in a whopping eight-mile radius.

I heard new music before anyone else. The Internet has put everyone on equal footing, but this used to be a big deal.

Free posters.

Sorrority girls called the station to flirt with me. Why wasn't this my first point?

I played bumpers of alternative bands that the station had somehow bribed to announce their call letters.

Free bumper stickers.

I was in a tiny little room all by myself, the perfect getaway for a music-loving misanthrope.

I did two shows a week and garnered a bit of a following, even though I didn't go to school there. I met the Station Manager in a bar one night and, rather than hitting on her, hit her up for a job.

But there was one thing I didn't like about being a DJ.

There was one thing I didn't like about being all by myself.

Eventually, I'd need to take a leak. Or grab a smoke.

That's where the cigarette songs came in.

Cigarette songs were always marked in red on the albums (yes, we played ALBUMS in the early 90s. How fucking archaic was that?).

Cigarette songs were songs that were over five minutes in length.

Do you what you can accomplish in five minutes if you set your mind to it? A lot.

Hell, you can smoke and take a leak if you don't worry about washing your hands.

Scheming

I'm going to be taking the rest of the week off.

In the meantime, I'm working on a project. A new site. And I'm looking for people to join me.

If you are between the ages of 35-45, funny, and would like to write for me with me, drop me a line.