How To Tell When Your Child Has Outgrown Blue's Clues

When you hear her scream at the television, "God, Joe! Why can't you figure this out? It's sooooo easy!" I was expecting her to throw a brick through the screen.

P.S. Do yourself a favor and watch the video below. The song isn't that great (even though it features David Byrne on vocals). But the video is funny as hell. This is proof the music video isn't dead. Yet.

Song of the day: Toe Jam by Brighton Port Authority

Live Blogging The 2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee

Twelve kids enter and only one kid leaves.

Actually, that's not entirely true. While there are twelve kids left in the Spelling Bee, the thing can actually end in a tie. That's what sucks about the Spelling Bee.

Motherbumper and I blogged the spelling bee live. Below is the transcript:

Motherbumper: Tom Bergeron?????
Cynical Dad: Oh God. Not this jerk.
Motherbumper: This is gonna be a loooooong night.
Cynical Dad: Yes.
Motherbumper: Now if it was Tom Berenger - now that would make for a kick ass night.
Motherbumper: Wow my feed is really choppy.
Cynical Dad: Ok. This is the most boring opening credits ever.
Cynical Dad: They need a cooler theme song.
Motherbumper: I feel like I'm about to be sold something - and it ain't education.
Motherbumper: is that kid asleep?
Motherbumper: Austin Pineda is asleep - I swear.
Cynical Dad: That's who I'm rooting for!
Motherbumper: He has the best haircut - that's for sure.
Motherbumper: Sidharth has a nice 'stache.
Cynical Dad: Be nice!
Motherbumper: bowdlerize: when one bogarts the bong.
Cynical Dad: You know, I wish they wouldn't show us the correct spelling so we could have a shot. Not that I have a chance.
Motherbumper: I'll be nice - I'm holding back I SWEARS.
Cynical Dad: Jeez. There's a word for that? Shamateurism? I thought that was called USC sports.
Motherbumper: HIGH FIVING DADS - whoot whoot.
Cynical Dad: Shawashingashanka? Is that who that guy just said was the favorite?
Cynical Dad: Tralatitous: in the beginning part of the definition, I thought we had another drug reference!
Motherbumper: Are these words in English - I'm screwed.
Cynical Dad: And Austin is our first casulty! Figures, I was rooting for him.
Motherbumper: Hair twirling has been proven scientifically to help brain power - except in Austin's case - it's failing him.
Cynical Dad: Hell, I can't even spell casualty correctly.
Motherbumper: oreallyinhim?
Cynical Dad: That Song kid is going to vomit.
Motherbumper: Yup - he's gonna hurl - though I'm digging his voice - he's a total California kid all the freakin' way.
Motherbumper: Go Justin!
Cynical Dad: Yeah. I was thinking he sounds like Spicoli.
Motherbumper: I wish I had brought my thesauras - I wish I could spell thesauras.
Cynical Dad: This Kyle kid is tiny.
Motherbumper: Are you scared kyle?
Motherbumper: Nope.
Cynical Dad: Be nice to Rose.
Cynical Dad: She's out of breath. Did they make her run a few laps around the stage first?
Motherbumper: She probably just had a smoke. I'm convinced these are all just midgets - not children.
Cynical Dad: Basenji! I saw that movie when I was a kid!
Motherbumper: Can you define Missouri please?
Cynical Dad: Kavya Shivashankar. Here's where I have to make the obligatory joke about the kid practicing for the bee by spelling her name.
Cynical Dad: Her father devised her strategy? She speaks lovingly of his strategy? I smell a STAGE DAD!
Motherbumper: Oh yeah, if she had gone out on that he would make her change her name to Jane. Which would bring the family shame, lots and lots of shame.
Cynical Dad: Are the rules from Spelling Bee: The Musical or something?
Motherbumper: I do believe they are trying to make this SHOW BUSINESS!
Cynical Dad: Catherine looks angry.
Motherbumper: Go Cat - who looks like she is thinking "this is it - I really need this."
Cynical Dad: I don't think she's pleased with Huguenot.
Motherbumper: I'm washed up if I don't get this.
Motherbumper: I thought they said it was a French prostitute.
Motherbumper: But no - it was province.
Cynical Dad: Remer!
Motherbumper: HIS NAME IS REMER?
Cynical Dad: Wow. Reading at 18 months?
Motherbumper: He likes the way the X and the E were juxtaposed together? Oh sweet juju - he has spent a lot of time inside of lockers, hasn't he?
Cynical Dad: Digerati! No fair! Even I know that word!
Motherbumper: I was just not thinking the same thing.
Motherbumper: Oh now here is an angry one woman.
Cynical Dad: That's because he got digerati and she got caduceus.
Motherbumper: She is the cougar of the spelling bee.
Cynical Dad: I think everyone else is at Sex And The City.
Motherbumper: I'm going to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Meth after this.
Cynical Dad: Will Ferrell will show up for anything.
Motherbumper: He came for the opening of my mail this morning - for realz.
Motherbumper: Mono Goneutic - she was in my grade 8 class.
Cynical Dad: That's what kept me out of school for a month in the 8th grade.
Motherbumper: Ohhhhhh you got the goneutic disease?
Cynical Dad: But don't tell anyone!
Cynical Dad: Going through the dictionary seven times was FUN? Someone needs a bicycle.
Motherbumper: Someone needs a life - then a bike.
Cynical Dad: Cool Darth Vader mask! Sound effects!
Motherbumper: Her goal is to win this year? Wow, how unique.
Motherbumper: SPICOLLI IS BACK
Cynical Dad: Spicoli!
Motherbumper: Now this I can spell - I've seen enough of them.
Cynical Dad: Yeah, Rorschach isn't fair either.
Motherbumper: She is too freakin' happy that she knows that word. She is totally going to have her first public orgasm.
Cynical Dad: Rose is gonna win this thing.
Motherbumper: And there it is: Rose has become a woman
Motherbumper: NUMBNUTS?
Cynical Dad: Numnutz?
Motherbumper: OHHHHHHHH NUMNAH
Cynical Dad: This kid has a future in tv.
Motherbumper: That is a relief - well said Sameer - he's now my fav by far.
Cynical Dad: Numbnut? Oh Numnah! Will be on Sportscenter tonight.
Motherbumper: I can't believe they are recapping this Numb Nuts business. This is probably the most exciting thing that has happened in the Bee EV-ER!
Cynical Dad: Other than that one kid fainting, you're probably right.
Cynical Dad: What do you think Mr. Word Caller does the rest of the year?
Motherbumper: Bingo at the Legion.
Motherbumper: Ommateal - not just for breakfast anymore.
Motherbumper: THERE IS OVERTIME IN SPELLING BEES????
Cynical Dad: No.
Cynical Dad: I thought it could end in a tie. They go through x number of rounds.
Motherbumper: Phew
Cynical Dad: Remer!
Motherbumper: Ranunculacious - is there a shorter definition please?
Motherbumper: Sweet juju- the word is up on the screen and I still spell it wrong.
Cynical Dad: I thought he was going to bite it when he kept pausing.
Motherbumper: Yes that was a close one
Cynical Dad: Ok. I know Nietzschean too.
Motherbumper: Jahnavi - angry woman is back - and she gets Nietzchean.
Motherbumper: I think someone wants Jahnavi to win - she has gotten all the easy words.
Motherbumper: OHHHHHH WAIT NOOOOOOOOOOO Jahnavi is choking.
Cynical Dad: Ooh! They've been waiting all night to show the clock!
Motherbumper: Phewwwwwwwwww she made it.
Motherbumper: High fives all around.
Cynical Dad: An hour of this and they've only eliminated one kid. Time for the TOUGH words!
Cynical Dad: Damn! Do you see how big Samia's dictionary is (that's what she said)?
Cynical Dad: Favorite Movie: The Devil Wears Prada?
Motherbumper: Better than the Bee Movie (boooo hiss worst joke tonight Motherbumper).
Cynical Dad: Spicoli!
Motherbumper: Satyagraha? Wha?
Cynical Dad: Sorry. I fell asleep when they read the definition for that word.
Motherbumper: how many times can they volley this pronunciation back and forth?
Motherbumper: Ohhhhhhhh dude.
Cynical Dad: Dude!
Motherbumper: Noooooo Spicolli is out.
Cynical Dad: Now I can't make a Mr. Hand joke.
Motherbumper: We are going to have to pick on the girls.
Motherbumper: It's six girls to four boys now.
Cynical Dad: Make that three.
Motherbumper: Nooooooooo shorty is out!
Cynical Dad: My money's still on Rose.
Motherbumper: Oh here is breathy Rose
Motherbumper: fumagillin - amoebas can cause infections?
Cynical Dad: Ooh. I don't think Rose knows that one.
Cynical Dad: Douse her with water? Those Iyers know how to party.
Motherbumper: Now they are using a Peter Gabriel remix?
Motherbumper: Sweet. Numb Nutz is back!
Cynical Dad: He's just asking questions just to ask questions. You can tell he's got no idea how to spell it.
Cynical Dad: Or maybe I'm wrong.
Motherbumper: He was toying with us (they probably told him that this show needs drama).
Motherbumper: I love how some of these kids use imaginary writing pads to do their magic.
Motherbumper: They look crazy.
Motherbumper: Crazy smart like a fox!
Cynical Dad: Sidharth likes Bob Marley!
Cynical Dad: Ziarat? I think they're making that word up.
Cynical Dad: Have to remember that one for Scrabble.
Motherbumper: That is a triple word score if I ever saw one (I don't play scrabble). But if you had to spell in Candyland, I'd use that one for sure!
Cynical Dad: Catherine wants to be a film producer?
Motherbumper: Bogatyr - what I called my college roomate who never passed the joint.
Cynical Dad: I think they're making all the drug references to keep us interested.
Motherbumper: Catherine is perfecting that school marm look.
Motherbumper: TIMER IS UP!
Motherbumper: ohhhhhh will she make it in time?
Motherbumper: nooooooooooo and a girl is out.
Motherbumper: REEMER!
Cynical Dad: Lemel? Did he sing The Neverending Story?
Motherbumper: I had that 45 and the flip side had Lemel singing it in french - the neverending storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.
Cynical Dad: She's stalling.
Motherbumper: And the timer is back up - will she do it in time?
Motherbumper: Oh oh oh the clock.
Cynical Dad: She's sarcastic! My new favorite!
Motherbumper: And she's out.
Cynical Dad: And of course, she's gone.
Cynical Dad: I'm the kiss of death tonight.
Motherbumper: Every single one that you like gets booted.
Motherbumper: They are milking this numb nut thing for everything it's worth.
Cynical Dad: AND SO WILL WE!
Motherbumper: You bet we will numb nuts.
Cynical Dad: Ooh, numnah!
Cynical Dad: She's going to miss huapango.
Motherbumper: Huapango - what my college boyfriend yelled everytime he round home!
Motherbumper: NOOOOOOOOO she missed - now they are dropping like flies!
Cynical Dad: Rose is going to pass out this time. For sure!
Motherbumper: Rose's mom is going to flip if she misses this.
Cynical Dad: No more Rose!
Motherbumper: Ohhhhhh noooooooo Rose is out.
Cynical Dad: Who do we have left to root for? REMER!
Motherbumper: And that was the great equalizer - two boys, two girls.
Cynical Dad: Nacarat: also called spark. Bet he wishes he could just spell spark.
Motherbumper: Nacarat - the yummiest crayola crayon of them all - mmmmmmm nacarat.
Motherbumper: Stalling for time much?
Cynical Dad: Cool! Calling out Mr. Word Man!
Motherbumper: You just cursed the kid Chag.
Cynical Dad: Not this time!
Motherbumper: He was lucky that the kiss of chag didn't make him bleed a pool of nacarat blood.
Cynical Dad: You're going to say that word 37 times next week, aren't you?
Motherbumper: 38 actually.
Cynical Dad: Ecrase? Can she just say "e" for those e's with the accents over them?
Motherbumper: She should be made to do a little loop de loop with her finger to represent the accents.
Motherbumper: Oh no the dreaded clock is ticking.
Motherbumper: Noooooooooooooo she is out.
Motherbumper: And her name is now Jane Smith.
Cynical Dad: Hear that? She's the favorite for next year's bee.
Motherbumper: I'm writing it in my 2009 diary.
Cynical Dad: Sidharth seems to be freaking out over posaune.
Cynical Dad: Or not.
Motherbumper: I'm sorry - I just broke my imaginary pencil - can I have a new one please?
Motherbumper: That Sidharth kid is TENSE.
Cynical Dad: Emily?
Motherbumper: REEEEEMER!
Cynical Dad: Ooh, thymele.
Motherbumper: Yeah right - thymele - what is in the middle of my living room right next to my shrine to METALLICA.
Cynical Dad: Don't let us down, Remer!
Cynical Dad: Damn it!
Motherbumper: Noooooooooo he got it wrong!
Motherbumper: Numb Nuts is gonna take it - I can feel it in my non-existent nuts.
Cynical Dad: Oh yeah! I can't believe I forgot about Numb Nuts.
Motherbumper: How can you forget about the numb nuts darling of the show?
Motherbumper: For shame chag - your face should be a deep shade of nacarat right now.
Cynical Dad: Only 37 more to go!
Motherbumper: That was a freebie - I'll still work the word into every post I do for days to come.
Cynical Dad: Tomorrow, there will be 100 garage bands named Numnah or Numb Nuts. Or Ooh Numnah.
Cynical Dad: The Super List.
Motherbumper: I just got a chill - the super list.
Cynical Dad: See! Told you it could be a tie. That's bullshit!
Motherbumper: Come on Tia - you are representin' the girlhood.
Cynical Dad: She'll get it. Isn't she the one who read the dictionary 7 times?
Motherbumper: You bet your oxypholitic ass.
Cynical Dad: Sinicize. I like the sound of that word. Come on, Numb Nuts!
Motherbumper: Sinicise - i used to date only drummers but once I dated a sinicise player on a dare.
Cynical Dad: You know this poor kid is going to be called "Numb Nuts" for the rest of the school year, win or lose, right?
Motherbumper: Oh yes, he will forever be know as the boy who spelled Numb Nuts.
Motherbumper: Aptyalism - aka A HANGOVER.
Cynical Dad: Aptyalism! Silent p! Sidharth's screwed.
Motherbumper: Dang - he got the silent P - that kid is gooooooood.
Motherbumper: We are entering lucky round 13 - is this where they bring in the death cage match with rabid squirrels to you know, make the kids sweat?
Cynical Dad: They need to do something or they'll run really late. Then they won't be able to pimp Sex And The City on 20/20.
Motherbumper: And I'll miss the temple of crystal meth!
Motherbumper: 30,000 dollars to the winner! Holy frack.
Cynical Dad: I think it's cute that they still give encyclopedias to the winner. Why don't they just give them an 8-track, too.
Cynical Dad: Tia is starting to hyperventilate.
Cynical Dad: Ding!
Motherbumper: Oh nooooooze - but she's not necessarily out.
Cynical Dad: Sidharth vs. Numb Nuts.
Motherbumper: Bollywood is already all over this one.
Cynical Dad: Dude? Bollywood? Remember the target audience! I don't think half of my readers know what that is.
Motherbumper: Too highbrow?
Cynical Dad: Kulturkampf.
Cynical Dad: Bless you.
Motherbumper: Damn - you beat me to it.
Cynical Dad: I'm my own straight man.
Cynical Dad: DAMN!!!! SIDHARTH!!!!
Motherbumper: Oh my god these boys are IN THE ZONE!
Cynical Dad: Numb Nuts is nervous.
Motherbumper: NUMB NUTS IS IN THE HOUSE
Cynical Dad: Ooh. Sidharth breaking out the accent on introuvable.
Motherbumper: Oh yes, he's turned into Pepe,
Cynical Dad: Uh-oh. Numb nuts got rattled coming to the stage!
Motherbumper: But he recovered - he is totally mocking Sidharth and the pronunciation thing. I like this kid.
Cynical Dad: This is ending in a tie, isn't it?
Motherbumper: Yes it is.
Motherbumper: Or maybe not.
Motherbumper: Prosopopoeia - that's not a real word.
Cynical Dad: No. Even the definition sounded fishy as hell.
Motherbumper: DING!
Cynical Dad: Go Numb Nuts!
Motherbumper: Sidharth is confused.
Cynical Dad: He knows this word.
Motherbumper: He does - he is just toying with us.
Motherbumper: NUMB NUTS RULES THE SPELLING BEE!
Cynical Dad: CONGRATULATIONS NUMB NUTS!
Motherbumper: Go numb nuts - go have a drink on me.

I'd like to thank Motherbumper for joining me for the spelling bee (and for making that kick-ass graphic). I'd also like to thank everyone who dropped by, left a comment, and emailed. This was fun.

Song of the day: ABC by Jackson 5

Four Minus One

The wife left yesterday morning for Austin. While I'm quite adept at taking care of the kids by myself (at least that's what I like to tell myself), it's those last three hours of the day, from 5:30 - 8:30 PM, that kill me. I'm used to tag-teaming the kids with her during supper, baths, and bedtime, so when I'm flying solo, it feels like it lasts six hours.

I'm a wuss.

I miss her assistance.

I miss her.

But my daughter? I'm not so sure she misses Ella.

When we told Zoey that Ella was going out of town on business, her first reply was, "Will you bring me back something?" After she was assured that Ella would be returning with gifts in tow, Zoey said, "Cool! We can be like Hannah's family!"*

I'm sure that made Ella feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

*For those of you who are luckily not as well-versed in all things Hannah Montana, Hannah's mother is dead. It's just her, her father, and her brother. I don't know how Hannah's mother bit the dust, but I did see a flashback episode in which Brooke Shields played Hannah's mother.

Song of the day: Teas'n, Pleas'n by Dangerous Toys

Good Grief

Every once in awhile, I like to pretend we're a normal family. And when I'm in that kind of a mood, I like to plan activities for my family that I think normal families would enjoy. So last night, Zoey and I curled up on the couch to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. We weren't ten minutes into it before we had the following exchange:

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"This is boring."

This warmed my cold, cynical heart because I have always thought the exact same thing. The Charlie Brown specials are boring. They are preachy and plodding. They use words that are far too difficult for their target demographic.

And then there's Linus Van Pelt, the little boy who's capable of sucking all the fun out of a room with one of his five-minute monologues about the "true meaning" of this or that. You know Pig-Pen and some of the more questionable secondary characters would kick Linus' ass behind the gymnasium after school every day (when they weren't busy giving Schroeder wedgies).

So I'm done with you, Mr. Schulz. I'll never watch any of your It's Another Boring Holiday Special With Religious Overtones, Charlie Brown programs again. If loving you is normal, I'm happy where I am.

Song of the day: Sister Christian by Night Ranger

The End Is Nigh

For those of you constantly searching for signs of the end of days, I offer you the image to your right.

Yes, it's real.

Yes, it's coming out.

Yes, it's sad.

After seeing this, I'm convinced publishing companies are running out of ideas and everyone deserves a book deal. Except me, of course. I couldn't string together fifty pages if my life depended on it. Unless you count my manifesto on everything that's wrong with the world. And nobody needs to read that.

And am I the only who's surprised to learn American Idol has a soul?

Song of the day: It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R.E.M.

Repost: I Wonder How They Would Fare With Def Leppard

Since the Scripps National Spelling Bee will be televised live on May 31st from 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM EDT on ESPN and from 8:00 PM to 10:00 PM EDT on ABC, I figured it was a good time to repost this entry from last year. If you haven't read it, it talks about my love of spelling bees.

Confession time: I am a nerd. Not a self-proclaimed sexy geek. A nerd.

Today is a national holiday for nerds. Why, you ask? It's one of the greatest yearly events in Nerdville: The Scripps National Spelling Bee.

When I was in fourth grade, I came in second in my school's spelling bee. When I was in fifth grade, I won my school's spelling bee. I don't remember hearing about a spelling bee when I was in middle school though. Perhaps my school system just washed their hands of the whole affair.

Now before you start thinking differently, my parents did not feed me flashcards for breakfast; I've always been a fairly decent speller (grammar, on the other hand, remains a mystery to me). And around these parts, if you can successfully spell lunch, cat, or Monday, you have a pretty good chance of winning your school's spelling bee. But I lost in one of the early rounds of the county championship.

The word that knocked me out of the competition? Marriage. According to my ten-year-old brain, there was no "I" in marriage. I would say that a lot during my footloose single days.

Actually, I still tell that joke today. It's a wonder Ella ever married me. For that and oh-so-many more reasons.

But back to the REAL spellers. The Scripps National Spelling Bee has been televised on ESPN for as long as I can remember. This year, they're showing the early rounds on ESPN on Thursday from 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM EDT. The championship round will follow on ABC at 8:00 PM EDT.

That's right, bitches. Spelling's gone mainstream. Deal.

I looooooooove watching the spelling bee. Armed with equal parts empathy and morbid fascination, I watch these poor kids fumble their way through words I've never heard of. Look, it's hard enough being a normal twelve-to-fourteen-year-old in this day and age. Imagine being a kid whose only human contact for the past six months has been some deranged Alphabet Dictator constantly barking obscure French spelling rules. You'd develop severe tics as well.

Whether it be clutching the microphone as if to keep from falling into some imaginary pit beneath them, sweating profusely, swaying back and forth, uncontrollable blinking, gasping between letters, sniffing their fingers (I'm looking at you, E-U-O-N-Y-M! girl), or writing on their placards with their BIC® Index Fingers, these kids are glorious messes.

But you know who also has it rough? The pronouncer. The fortitude of the pronouncers simply amazes me. How has something like the following never happened?

Pronouncer: Dik-taht.
Contestant: Dik-tat.
Pronouncer: Dik-taht.
Contestant: Dik-tat.
Pronouncer: Dik-TAHT.
Contestant: Dik-taht. May I have the definition, please?
Pronouncer: Diktat: an authoritative decree or order.
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence?
Pronouncer: The czar issued a diktat that many citizens deemed unfair.
Contestant: Are there any alternate pronunciations?
Pronouncer: No. Just dik-taht.
Contestant: Dik-tat.
Pronouncer: Dik-TAHT.
Contestant: Dik-taht. What's the language of origin?
Pronouncer: Latin. To dictate.
Contestant: Dik-tat.
Pronouncer: DIK-TAHT!
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence?
Pronouncer: Yes! This moron can't say dik-TAHT! How's that sentence for you, DICK-HEAD?

Needless to say, I'll be Tivoing it just in case something like that occurs. Anyone else watching? Does anyone have any early lines on the kids? Any dark horses I should be aware of?

It's March Madness for nerds!

Song of the day: Starfish And Coffee by Prince

An Interview With Spiffy Pictures

I've stated in the past that we're big fans of Noggin's Jack's Big Music Show (see here, here, here, here, and here). In fact, it's the only show Zed will watch (I have the only toddler in the world that doesn't like Elmo (and you have no idea how proud that makes me)). Shortly before Zed's second birthday, we were trying to track down ANY type of Jack's Big Music Show merchandise to buy as a gift. Unable to find anything other than the Season One CD, I went right to the source: Spiffy Pictures, the creators of Jack's Big Music Show. After exchanging a few emails, I asked them if they would be interested in answering some questions via email. They agreed (be forewarned: I've never done anything like this before).

Spiffy Pictures consists of David Rudman, Todd Hannert, and Adam Rudman. David Rudman is an Emmy Award-winning puppeteer who provides the voice of Jack as well as Sesame Street's Cookie Monster and Little Bear. Todd Hannert is responsible for set design and songwriting for Jack's Big Music Show. Adam Rudman is the head writer for Jack's Big Music Show and is a six-time Emmy Award-winning writer for Sesame Street and Cyberchase.

The three of you have been involved with children's television for many years. What made you decide to venture into the world of children's television?
It just kind of happened that way, really. We can't think of a good reason why! Great answer, huh?

What inspired you to make music the focus of the show?
It was actually an idea from Noggin to develop a music show. We're all music lovers, so it was right up our alley.

For the average episode, how long does it take to move from initial concept to finished product?
Another hard to answer question, Cynical Dad! To average each show out that way is difficult, but maybe... three months?

Can you describe your creative process?
What a cynical question! (kidding...) The three of us have worked together for many years, so it is pretty defined yet undefined. We do our best work just sitting around talking about funny ideas and go from there.

What has been your favorite episode so far?
We all have favorites, they're all like our children. That's a cynical answer from us :) Maybe the "Jack's Big Orchestra" episode?

How did Jon Stewart and Cheryl Hines wind up on your show?
They both love the show and watch it daily with their children! Pretty cool, huh?

Will there be a third season of Jack's Big Music Show?
We don't know about that at this point, as the second season is pretty new to everyone. Hopefully we won't wait as long to shoot new ones than we did for the first-second season. Even though our fans really stuck with us. Thanks!

Who would be your dream non-musical guest on Jack's Big Music Show?
I think we may have already had them! Jon Stewart and Cheryl Hines! They were sooooo great!

Who would be your dream musical guest on Jack's Big Music Show?
A 23-year-old Bob Dylan? Or maybe a sixty-year-old John Mayer?

Currently the only merchandise available from Jack's Big Music Show is the CD. What other types of merchandise will we eventually see in stores?
We think a second CD and a DVD with four episodes on it, one of them never seen before! (cool, huh?)

Will you be involved in the upcoming Jack's Big Music Show live tour?
We haven't gotten a green light on a live tour. But we would be, for sure.

Can you tell us anything about Bunny Town, your show in development for Disney?
Only that, really. It'll be both puppets and live action, and we think it's going to be pretty cool for all Jack fans.

Song of the day: Love Song by Tesla

Using Vomit To Sell Automobiles

While watching the Oscars last night, I saw a commercial for the Cadillac SRX Crossfire. It was a pretty cool commercial featuring a beautiful mother, a handsome father, three adorable children, and their nanny. The perfect family. It was stylishly shot with great special effects. The first half of the commercial took place in a kitchen larger than my entire house, while the second half took place in the Caddy.

The music featured in the commercial was The Sunnyside Of The Street by The Pogues which, truth be told, was the only reason I paid any attention to the ad. For most of the commercial, only the intro of the song was played.

Towards the end, the lyrics kicked in. I wasn't really expecting to hear lyrics. Especially these lyrics:

So I saw the train and I got on it
With a heart full of hate and a lust for vomit
Now I'm walking on the sunnyside of the street

The hell? They didn't want to use the "Stepped over bodies in Bombay" or "As my mother wept it was then I swore to take my life as I would a whore" lines instead? Personally, I would've went with the following lyrics:

I know I'm better than before
I will not be reconstructed
Just wanna stay right here on the sunnyside of the street

Much more positive and truer to the image I believe they were hoping to convey. But they decided to go with "heart full of hate and lust for vomit" instead. Now I'm no marketing genius whatsoever nor do I pretend to be. But I would think one would try to shy away from using negative connotations in advertising.

Like the word hate. Because you can't really get much more negative than hate. It's probably not a great idea to use the word hate in your jingle unless you're outright dissing your competitor (like Coke saying, "I hate Pepsi.").

And even worse than hate, the Sunnyside lyric they chose also mentions the word vomit. It might just be me, but hearing the word vomit in a car commercial leaves me with a queasy feeling in my stomach. It's probably not a great idea to use the word vomit in your jingle unless you're outright dissing your competitor (like Pepsi saying, "Coke tastes like vomit.").

And if I was trying to sell a car, I definitely wouldn't use a song where the protagonist spends his time walking or traveling on a train.

So what exactly where they trying to accomplish by using Sunnyside? Maybe they were just hoping the viewer wouldn't be able to understand Shane MacGowan's slurred speech until it got to the "Now I'm walking on the sunnyside of the street" part.

Or maybe they were just trying to market their vehicle to those e-v-i-l upper middle class, Alternadad readin', indie rock listenin', Rebecca Woolf lovin', ironic t-shirt wearin', Babble.com surfin', Bugaboo pushin', babies-in-Ramones-onesies birthin', cocktail playdate hostin', gourmet coffee slurpin' hipster parents the press loves to crucify so much nowadays.

But like I said, I'm no marketing genius.

Song of the day: Common People by Pulp

Why My Television And I Are No Longer On Speaking Terms

My best friend in the whole word, my television, let me down last night. I watched ABC's Primetime. Did anyone else catch it?

Last night's episode, entitled Cruel Intentions, was about cyberbullying. It examined how teenagers (mostly girls) employed various technological devices (chat rooms, instant messaging, MySpace, webcams, camera phones, etc.) to discredit, demean, and destroy one another. It was quite an eye-opener. And quite frightening.

I came away from the show with three conclusions:

• Girls are VERY mean to one another. Seriously. I thought Mean Girls was just a funny movie, not a way of life.
  
• I'm glad I'm a guy.
  
• Not only am I now planning on homeschooling my children, I'm never letting them out of the house again.
  

Have a great weekend!

Ultimate Toddler Fighting Championship

I love my television. In fact, my TV was the best man at our wedding (ok, that's an exaggeration, but our TiVo was the flower girl). We are a television household. I know some of you do not allow your children to watch television. That's cool. I believe you have to do what's right for your family and to hell with everyone else. It just so happens that television is right for our family.

Or at least it used to be. I am beginning to see why some parents do not expose their children to television.

Ella leaves town for business once or twice a month. And since I have yet to figure out how to clone myself, it is impossible to put both kids to bed at the same time. So I park Zoey in front of the television, put Zed to bed, and then read Zoey a few books and put her to bed.

The other week I bought Zoey the Disney Princess Sing Along Songs: Perfectly Princess Volume Three DVD for such occasions. It's nothing but songs from Disney classics such as Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs and direct-to-video fare like The Little Mermaid II: Return To The Sea. Pretty harmless, right?

Wrong.

On the DVD, there's a song, Lesson Number One, from Mulan II. During the singing and merry-making, Mulan teaches a group of little girls how to fight. How to kick. How to karate chop. How to say "hi-yah!"

Three guesses who else has suddenly learned to fight, kick, karate chop, and say "hi-yah!" Bingo!

Whenever she gets pissed at me (which, truthfully, seems to be quite often lately; she's exploring her limits), she scrunches up her nose and karate chops the air a few times, yelling "HI-YAH!" Now I know this is toddlerspeak for "Bite me, asshole." But as long as she's not actually making contact with anyone, it's ok (actually, I can't help but laugh every time she does it. I suck.). No harm, no foul, you know?

But I also realize that it's just a matter of time before she does make contact, be it a chop to my stomach or a testicle-shattering kick worthy of America's Funniest Home Videos. So what do I do?

Do I put an end to it N-O-W? Tell her it's not ok to even pretend to hit someone? That sounds kind of stupid. Plus, I'm not one to stifle creativity.

Or do I let her train for a month and schedule a Toddler Cage Match with The Voice and all other takers?

I need answers, people. While I still have my testicles.

GHS: 7

Related:
Fight Club Junior

I Wonder How They Would Fare With Def Leppard

Confession time: I am a nerd. Not a self-proclaimed sexy geek. A nerd.

Today is a national holiday for nerds. Why, you ask? It's one of the greatest yearly events in Nerdville: The Scripps National Spelling Bee.

When I was in fourth grade, I came in second in my school's spelling bee. When I was in fifth grade, I won my school's spelling bee. I don't remember hearing about a spelling bee when I was in middle school though. Perhaps my school system just washed their hands of the whole affair.

Now before you start thinking differently, my parents did not feed me flashcards for breakfast; I've always been a fairly decent speller (grammar, on the other hand, remains a mystery to me). And around these parts, if you can successfully spell lunch, cat, or Monday, you have a pretty good chance of winning your school's spelling bee. But I lost in one of the early rounds of the county championship.

The word that knocked me out of the competition? Marriage. According to my ten-year-old brain, there was no "I" in marriage. I would say that a lot during my footloose single days.

Actually, I still tell that joke today. It's a wonder Ella ever married me. For that and oh-so-many more reasons.

But back to the REAL spellers. The Scripps National Spelling Bee has been televised on ESPN for as long as I can remember. This year, they're showing the early rounds on ESPN on Thursday from noon to three. The championship round will follow on ABC at 8:00 PM.

That's right, bitches. Spelling's gone mainstream. Deal.

I looooooooove watching the spelling bee. Armed with equal parts empathy and morbid fascination, I watch these poor kids fumble their way through words I've never heard of. Look, it's hard enough being a normal twelve-to-fourteen-year-old in this day and age. Imagine being a kid whose only human contact for the past six months has been some deranged Alphabet Dictator constantly barking obscure French spelling rules. You'd develop severe tics as well.

Whether it be clutching the microphone as if to keep from falling into some imaginary pit beneath them, sweating profusely, swaying back and forth, uncontrollable blinking, gasping between letters, sniffing their fingers (I'm looking at you, E-U-O-N-Y-M! girl), or writing on their placards with their BIC® Index Fingers, these kids are glorious messes.

But you know who also has it rough? The pronouncer. The fortitude of the pronouncers simply amazes me. How has something like the following never happened?

Pronouncer: Dik-taht.
Contestant: Dik-tat.
Pronouncer: Dik-taht.
Contestant: Dik-tat.
Pronouncer: Dik-TAHT.
Contestant: Dik-taht. May I have the definition, please?
Pronouncer: Diktat: an authoritative decree or order.
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence?
Pronouncer: The czar issued a diktat that many citizens deemed unfair.
Contestant: Are there any alternate pronunciations?
Pronouncer: No. Just dik-taht.
Contestant: Dik-tat.
Pronouncer: Dik-TAHT.
Contestant: Dik-taht. What's the language of origin?
Pronouncer: Latin. To dictate.
Contestant: Dik-tat.
Pronouncer: DIK-TAHT!
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence?
Pronouncer: Yes! This moron can't say dik-TAHT! How's that sentence for you, DICK-HEAD?

Needless to say, I'll be Tivoing it just in case something like that occurs. Anyone else watching? Does anyone have any early lines on the kids? Any dark horses I should be aware of?

It's March Madness for nerds!

Making Love Out Of Nothing At All

I have a confession to make: I have not been faithful to Ella.

For the past two years, I have had a mistress. We met on the Internet. I had a gaping hole in my life and she was able to fill it.

Please do not judge me. Everyone has needs.

I will admit, it was awkward at first. Like the beginning of any relationship, there was the clumsy getting-to-know-you phase where you learn each other's likes and dislikes and what buttons you should and should not push. But soon, we were inseparable. We just fit, you know?

We had a torrid love affair. She was such an unselfish lover. It didn't matter what time of day or night I reached out for her, she was always waiting for me, ready at a moment's notice.

But now she's gone.

On Monday, Zed broke my remote control.

Wait. What did you think I was talking about?

The remote was a One For All universal remote that could control my TV, cable box, DVD player, VCR (if I had one), my surround sound system, and, most importantly, my TiVo (it even had thumbs-up and thumbs-down buttons).

I could not keep that child away from the remote. Must be a guy thing. If I would put it within his reach (i.e. anywhere), he would wait until I wasn't looking and make a beeline straight for it. He would chew on it and beat it against the floor. It's a wonder it lasted as long as it did.

So I bought another One For All remote for $19.99, the same price as the first (Did you know they have remotes that cost $299 (and I'm sure much higher)? What the hell do they control? Missile silos? If you have $299 you can spend on a remote, how about throwing some scratch my way?). It has the same buttons as the previous model but they are laid out differently. In fact, I think someone who secretly hates television designed this remote because the buttons that should be close together, at least in my opinion, are on opposite ends of the remote.

I need to take this remote back to the store.

Or maybe I just need to spend some more time with my new mistress.

By the way, if any of you know of any realistic-looking toy remotes that Zed might like, please let me know (send links if you can find it online). I really don't feel like buying a new remote control every three months.

Sid And Marty Krofft, Wherefore Art Thou?

HOW DID I SPEND MY DAY? WELL, SINCE YOU ASKED

The kids and I are sick. We spent most of the day on the couch cuddling, coughing, reading, sneezing, fighting, moaning, eating, groaning, playing, wheezing, laughing, and sniffling. Not necessarily in that order.

And we watched entirely too much television.

Don't get me wrong. I love my television. Her shiny silver lines. The way her remote just fits the curves of my hand. And don't even get me started on her sister, TiVo.

Where was I?

We watched entirely too much children's television. And most of it was utter dreck.

I try to steer my children's viewing habits to something that has at least some educational value. Hence, plenty of Sesame Street, Dora, and Blue's Clues. But most of the other shows out there aren't only of little to no educational value, but they're an insult to your senses as well.

TELEVISION SHOWS I WILL NOT LET MY CHILDREN WATCH NO MATTER HOW DESPERATELY I NEED ALONE TIME

Caillou
Caillou is a whiny little bastard. I would love to strangle him. I do not want my children to be whiners, so we stay far away from Caillou.

Oobi
I don't want my children to talk like cavemen, so we do not watch Oobi. Would it kill you guys to use a verb once in awhile?

Little Bear
Zoey loves this show but I refuse to let her watch it. It's just so nauseatingly sweet, you can get cavities after a few viewings.

Barney
I don't really need to explain this, do I?

Teletubbies/Boobah
See Oobi. I'm just not a big fan of things that don't actually speak or use complete sentences.

Max & Ruby
It's a show about a big sister lording over her little brother bunny. My daughter doesn't need any help or pointers.

THE PART WHERE I GET ALL NOSTALGIC, YEARNING FOR THE SHOWS OF MY YOUTH THAT IF I SAW TODAY WOULD PROBABLY MAKE ME CRINGE WITH EMBARRASSMENT

Why aren't there shows like those created by Sid & Marty Krofft? When I was a kid, I loved watching Sigmund And The Sea Monsters, H.R. Puffnstuff, The Far Out Space Nuts, The Lost Saucer, and my all-time fave, Land Of The Lost. Those shows were so cool. I even played in a band called Sleestack (as did 27.6% of men my age).

Maybe I should just track down the DVDs of all those shows and show them to my kids. And then when they get older, they can tell all their friends about the "weird shows" Daddy made them watch.

THIS DISCLAIMER PROBABLY SHOULD'VE GONE AT THE BEGINNING

My apologies if this post seems loopier or more incoherent than usual. I am a wuss. I cannot take most medicine. I am currently taking a decongestant, which leaves me in a half-awake/half-asleep state, unable to truly function. My eyes water uncontrollably. My mouth tastes like sand. I cannot stop yawning yet I cannot sleep. Plus my brain is spinning from all these children's television theme songs. Kill me.

Rockin' Out With Dora The Explorer

Last night, I had the great pleasure of attending Dora The Explorer's Pirate Adventure.

Immediately, I knew that Dora was going to be much different from any concert I had ever attended. First of all, the Religious Right did not accost us on the way to the auditorium. You know the ones I'm talking about: the guys who scream at you inform you that you're headed to hell for attending a rock show and that you need to REPENT NOW. Truth be told, I missed the pit preachers. They were always good for a laugh.

When we reached the merchandise booth, there were plenty of toys and stuffed animals for sale. Why don't they have toys at the shows I used to attend? Who wouldn't love a cuddly Axl Rose Beanie Baby?

I also noticed that there were no black t-shirts for sale. I wasn't aware that concert tees came in any other color.

We made it to our seats at 6:50 PM, ten minutes before the show was scheduled to start. Keyword? Scheduled. The kids started to get a little antsy and I looked down at my watch and saw that it was 7:05 PM. I wondered if Dora had lost The Map and couldn't find her way to the stage (because God knows that chick can't find her own ass without using The Map). Or maybe Boots was throwing his feces all over his dressing room. Or perhaps both he and Dora were tag-teaming some groupie.

But I was brought back to reality when I noticed all the children were becoming restless. I've heard tales of people rioting at concerts if a band shows up late or ends their gig earlier than expected. I've also seen my daughter in action when she throws a tantrum. Multiply this by a thousand other children and there's no way a couple of rednecks tearing up seat cushions can compete. I began to fear for my own life.

Finally, at 7:14 PM, the lights went dim and the show began. The children in the audience were immediately divided into two groups: those who were in total awe, unable to blink due to the fear they might miss something, and those who were terrified of what they were seeing (Mom! Dad! What the hell is this? Who are these people? This isn't Dora! I want to go home!) while their parents were busy calculating how much money five minutes of Dora was going to end up costing them.

When Boots hit the stage, the kids in the crowd went wild. I however, was less than impressed. He was overzealous and extremely animated, the Community Theatre Queen who overacts and fantasizes about Mr. Big Broadway Producer sitting in the crowd, waiting to take him to NYC after seeing his performance.

And did I mention he was African-American? That's right, they had a black guy playing a monkey. Spike Lee would not be pleased.

About forty minutes into the production, there was a ten-minute intermission. Intermission? I've never been to a concert that had an intermission. Of course, the Stones probably have an intermission halfway through their gigs so their fans can change their Depends. But, seriously, the previous forty minutes had already felt like forty hours. I was ready to go home and didn't need an intermission. I needed an ending.

After thirty more minutes, We did it! We did it! We did it! Hooray! Thank God! I made it out alive.

Zed? I think he enjoyed it as much as I did. First of all, he was terrified of the pigs and Isa the Iguana. Towards the end, if they weren't singing, he wasn't happy.

But Zoey had the time of her life. At least someone came home happy.

Related:
Rock 'N' Roll Lifestyle

At Least I'm Not I-Hate-You-Daddy Bear

Last weekend, I TiVo'd Care Bears: Big Wish Movie for Zoey. Since she received a Care Bear for Christmas, I figured she might like to see a movie about them.

Was I ever right.

As a result, we have been experiencing Care Bearmania in the Cynical Dad household (which is great because anything that gives even a slight reprieve from the 24/7 talk of Disney Princesses is truly a blessing). Last night, Zoey gave us all our own Care Bear monikers.

Zoey is Love-A-Lot Bear. Ella is Laugh-A-Lot Bear. Zed is Baby Bear or Sleepy Bear, depending on Zoey's mood.

Me? I'm Grumpy Bear.

Thanks, babe! But it's probably not that inaccurate of a name for me. Especially when I first wake up in the morning.

But I will say this much for the Care Bears. Despite the fact that they're sickly sweet and gag inducing, they lead a very easy life. Why? Their personal traits are their names. Wouldn't life be so much simpler if we were like that? You would instantly know what kind of person someone was just by knowing his or her name.

Add in the accompanying belly tattoo and life would be even easier. We wouldn't even have to talk to a person, just look at his or her stomach and we'd know all we needed to know about that person (any other misanthropes in the audience totally digging this Utopia or is it just me?).

Just think of how great life would be if we all had Care Bear names!

We'd want to befriend Responsible-Babysitter Bear, Lots-Of-Money Bear, and Has-Super-Bowl-Tickets Bear.

We'd shy away from Poor-Hygiene Bear, Whines-A-Lot Bear, and One-Bad-Day-Away-From-Snapping-And-Becoming-A-Serial-Killer Bear.

Saving-Myself-For-Marriage Bear would have lots of lonely nights whereas Gives-Great-Head Bear would never know solitude. God, what I could've done with this information in high school.

Now I want to hear from you guys. If you were a Care Bear, what would your name be?

Thanks in advance,
Neurotic Bear

GHS: 0

Al Roker And The Girls Of Hi-5

This has to be my favorite kids' television moment of the month, if not the year.

I Tivo'd Today two weeks ago because Laurie Berkner was scheduled to perform two songs. Zoey is a big Laurie fan and Zed always turns to the television when he hears one of her videos. And, believe it or not, her music's actually pretty decent, especially for children's music.

Anyway, Al Roker was sitting on the couch betwixt his two female cohosts. Sorry, I've never really watched Today so I don't know their names. Actually, I don't understand why anyone watches Today. It's basically just three hours' worth of recipes, celebrities pimping their latest vehicles, boring human interest stories, inane chatter, and, for some unknown reason, weather reports every fifteen minutes. Christ, if anyone needs the weather report that badly, couldn't they just switch it to The Weather Channel?

So they broadcast a clip of the next day's Today's musical guest, Hi-5, which, oddly enough, I can also stomach. Here is a transcript of Al Roker watching this clip:

Wow. I haven't seen them. Wow, that's freaky. Let's look at some more of that. Whoo. Wow.

They cut back to Roker and the cohosts and Roker's sitting on the edge of his seat, staring at the monitor. It was quite obvious Roker was enamored with the girls. So the kind people in the control booth began playing another clip just for Al. Here's what he had to say this time:

Oh yeah. Karaoke for the kids. Wow. Little something for the dads jumping around there, too. That's all right.

Which was met with nervous laughter from his female cohosts.

Needless to say, Al wasn't allowed any onscreen time with the girls of Hi-5 (sounds like a Playboy pictorial) the next day.