Please Excuse 12-Year-Old Chag's Deafening Laughter

Two things you definitely don't want to mix:



But you know what frightens me most about this sign?

Etc.

Etc.? The mind boggles. What could Etc. be referring to?

Bullets? Porn? Scarecrows? Pottery? Knives? Tampons? Bacon?

Unfortunately, they are no longer in business, so I will never know what Etc. meant.

I probably should have waited to post this while all the ladies were at BlogHer.

Oh well.

Song of the day: Let's Dance To Joy Division by The Wombats

Holiday

I'd like to wish everyone a happy and safe Fourth of July weekend. Please do not blow off an appendage or make out with someone else's wife or husband at the neighborhood BBQ. And for those of you who don't celebrate the Fourth, have a great weekend.

Now for the fireworks!



[Note to self: You need photography lessons. Or at the very least, you should try reading the damn manual. All your firework photos look like sperm.]

Song of the day: I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You by Black Kids

Reminiscing

I've been spending a lot of time

lately. It happens every time I head for the beach. I start

about summers as a kid on the Jersey shore. I start

about earlier trips to Myrtle Beach with my family. I--

I can't go on. I'm full of it. This post is little more than an excuse to post photos of what might very well be the greatest piece of art in the history of mankind. It's seventeen feet tall and made entirely of concrete:



I think the bush is a nice touch.

See you later!

We really are leaving for a trip to the beach. But guess what? I've lined up four incredibly gifted people to fill in for me while I'm gone. In fact, after reading their entries, you probably won't want me to return!

Check back on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Monday to read their posts.

See you sometime next week.

Song of the day: Rush by Big Audio Dynamite

Truth In Advertising

Have you ever seen an old gas pump like this? I hadn't until a few days ago. The thing's like seven feet tall.

You know, I wouldn't mind paying four bucks a gallon if I got to use one of these things.

Ok. That's a lie. But it would definitely be a hell of a lot cooler.

Although something tells me it doesn't take debit cards.


This gas pump stands in front of a defunct Shell gas station:



Is that not cool as hell? Here's another view:



It's a Shell gas station and it's shaped like a shell!

Wouldn't life be much simpler if all businesses followed this model? Sporting goods stores would be shaped like footballs. Pet stores would be shaped like dog bones. Mexican restaurants would be shaped like tacos. It would take all the guesswork out of things. Big box stores would be shaped like big boxes -- oh wait, never mind.

And ladies, something tells me your husbands would want to tag along on your trip to the gynecologist.

Song of the day: Reunited by Peaches & Herb

Local God: The Town With An Identity Crisis

A month ago, I wrote about receiving many, many, MANY telephone calls from potential presidential candidates. Creative-Type Dad chimed in and said that in the days leading up to the California primaries, he received a taped phone call from Scarlett Johansson.

That Hollywood shit would never fly in North Carolina.

If you need a celebrity spokesperson around here, you enlist a NASCAR driver. Or if you're really ambitious, you go for the gold standard: Andy Griffith. In North Carolina, you can turn on your television anytime between 5 AM and 7 PM (i.e. seniors' waking hours) and find a rerun of either Matlock or The Andy Griffith Show, two of Griffith's extremely popular shows.

Andy Griffith was born in Mount Airy, North Carolina. Mt. Airy is like a lot of sleepy small towns in North Carolina. It has a quaint downtown. It has a movie theater that shows Hollywood's latest and greatest:



Ok. Maybe not the latest.

But Mt. Airy can claim something most North Carolina small towns can't: ANDY GRIFFITH LIVED HERE! Need proof?



Yes, you can spend the night in the very same bedroom where Andy used to sleep!

But Mt. Airy has taken its love of All Thing Andy a little too far. Check out their arts center:



Behind the Andy Griffith Playhouse is the Andy Griffith Museum. Since they were asking $3 to partake in its Andyness (Andiness?), I can't tell you about it. But I can show you the bitchin' statue that stands right next to the Playhouse:



And it doesn't stop there. Not only does the town proudly wave its Andy flag, it has also adopted the Mayberry (the fictional town depicted in The Andy Griffith Show) name:



If you take a walk around Mt. Airy's downtown, you'll see the following establishments:



I think you'll find more businesses in Mayberry Mt. Airy with "Mayberry" in their names than those without. The "M" section must take up 75% of their phone book.

But don't think Andy's the only character from Mayberry that gets love in this town. Are you a Barney buff?



Maybe you're an Opie devotee:



Or maybe you're a Floyd fan:



But you're really in luck if you're a Goober groupie. Not only is there a replica of Wally's Service Station, the two wreckers are adorned with the phrase, "Goober says 'Hey!'"



So this summer, instead of taking your kids to boring places like Disneyland, New York City, or Dollywood, plan a trip to Mayberry Mount Airy, North Carolina instead! Not only is it the home of lots of The Andy Griffith Show memorabilia/tourist attractions, the grave of Siamese twins Eng and Chang is only a few miles up the road!

This post was definitely not brought to you by Mt. Airy's Visitors Bureau.

Song of the day: Feel The Pain by Dinosaur Jr.

Terror At The Lazy 5 Ranch

We recently took the kids to the Lazy 5 Ranch.



When you get to the joint, you have to drive through a rather ominous gate that reminded me of the gates in Jurassic Park and King Kong. Of course, the sign on the right didn't help.



Once safely inside, you can see animals in cages/pens and some natural habitats. There is also a small petting zoo area. You could've touched the camel and macaws, but why would you want to do something crazy like that? The lemurs were separated from the public by a moat. I guess that's in case a dragon showed up unannounced at the Lazy 5 Ranch.



But the real draw to the Lazy 5 Ranch is the 3.5-mile safari. You are able to drive your own car through the ranch and feed the animals. What kind of animals, you ask? Animals such as these:



They also have animals that can't impale you, like these:



There were also lots of goofy-looking llamas. The one on the right was included because it was so filthy. The one in the middle smiled at me. The one on the left is not a two-headed llama; there are actually two llamas in that picture (trick photography!). Because if they had a two-headed llama, I think the place would change its name from the Lazy 5 Ranch to the Lazy 5 Ranch: HOME OF THE TWO-HEADED LLAMA! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!



We bought two buckets of kibble to take on our drive. The animals will eat from your hand but if you don't offer them anything, they'll just poke their heads in your window to see if you've got anything to eat.



And then there was this asshole water buffalo.



I held my bucket of kibble outside the car window because there was no way in hell I was inviting him inside the car. He happily grazed for three seconds and then pushed the bucket out of my hand and onto the ground.

Me: That water buffalo stole all of my food!
Ella: Oh well.
Me: I'm going to get it back.
Ella: Like hell you are.
Me: It cost $3! That's half of our food!
Ella: So what?
Me: Just pull the car forward about two feet.

Ella pulled the car forward. I cracked the door and looked down at the bucket. The water buffalo's eyes met mine. I could see that he was thinking, "Just try it, buddy." So I shut my door like a wimp. That day, he was the King Of The Jungle.

But I still think I could've taken him!

About forty-five minutes later, a zebra pulled the same maneuver on Ella's feed bucket.

Ella: That's the end of our food.
Me: Get it!
Ella: I'm not fighting a zebra over the food.
Me: A zebra relies on camouflage to survive! You can take a zebra!

But she wouldn't even try. So we spent the final thirty minutes of the trek without food for the animals. I was half expecting the beasts to tip over our car.

You may be wondering what the kids thought of our day at Lazy 5 Ranch. I believe Zed would have liked for us to have coated him with kibble so the animals would lick him all day long. The boy loves animals.

My daughter, on the other hand, hated the Lazy 5 Ranch. At one point, she bellowed from the backseat, "THIS IS THE WORSTEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!" And it was all because of these beasts:



Ostriches. Emus. Quick Birds Of Death. What? That picture doesn't terrify you? How about this:



This is one of the Quick Birds Of Death staring in Zoey's window. See how scary he looks?

Still not convinced? Have a look at this:



This picture is blurry for several reasons:

1. The Quick Bird Of Death was lunging at me.
2. I was holding the camera with one hand and the bucket of kibble with the other.
3. I am absolutely terrified of birds, especially ones larger than me and mere inches from my face.
   

Zoey saw the Quick Bird Of Death lunge at me and start pecking at my food bucket (I swear those things move like cobras). She also watched the other Quick Bird Of Death stare at her while she was crying. She was too scared to roll up her window.

Unfortunately, this series of events happened about seven minutes from the start of our safari. By that time, there were ten cars behind us so we couldn't back out of the place. So we spent the next two hours listening to her crying, whining, screaming, and ordering EVERYONE to roll up their windows.

But we did gain something from this trip. We can now threaten Zoey with "Behave or we'll take you back to Lazy 5 Ranch!"

Works much better than "Santa is watching."

Song of the day: Mr. E's Beautiful Blues by Eels

Culture Is Wasted On The Young

Every year in North Carolina, busloads of elementary and middle school children take fields trips to landmarks like the Biltmore House and the Chinqua Penn Plantation. And every year, busloads of elementary and middle school children are bored out of their gourds.

Another popular destination on the North Carolina field trip circuit is Old Salem, a look at life in an 18th century settlement. It's kind of like Williamsburg, Virginia, but without the cool roller coasters.

I went to Old Salem once during a field trip in middle school and have only one real memory from that day. I vaguely recall the old buildings and the people dressed in Colonial garb. You want to know what I remember most from that day?

Making out with Maddie in the back of the school bus.

Yeah, I'm pretty shallow.

But I can't be the only one. Maybe I've always been too much of a redneck, but nothing at Old Salem (other than Maddie) held my attention. I was twelve years old. I didn't care about blacksmiths, powdered wigs, and quill pens. None of my sexual fantasies involved Colonial women. Or milkmaids. Hell, my sexual fantasies at age twelve just simply revolved around Sex: The Act.

My point? I think it's useless taking kids on field trips to landmarks like the ones I mentioned above. I don't believe showing twelve-year-olds an old building or some dork dressed in knickers has any educational value. They won't truly appreciate such places until they're much older. If the kids aren't totally bored, they're stifling snickers or making out on the bus (or far worse -- it is 2008 now). Rev up the bus and take the children to science museums, art museums, and prisons. Places that will hold their attention. Places where they can will actually learn a thing or two.

The coffee pot in the photos stands just outside the entrance to Old Salem. The pot is twelve feet tall and has a circumference of sixteen feet. Pretty freaking big. Want to learn more about the giant coffee pot? Of course you do. Or would you rather make out with Maddie instead?

Song of the day: Sex On Wheels by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult

If You Thought My Photo Posts Were Just Excuses For Me To Make Dick Jokes, Think Again

I remember walking down to the barber shop every other Saturday morning as a little boy. I hated getting my hair cut, but my father needed his hair trimmed every fourteen days, which always seemed quite strange to me (of course, I'm a guy that usually goes fourteen months without a haircut). The place would be filled with guys talking about politics and sports, seldom agreeing on either topic. Now, guys can opt for joints with plasma TVs blasting SportsCenter. No need to talk to anyone! Rock!

I feel the old-fashioned barber shops would make a return if they all offered services like this:



Personally, I prefer "Classic Booger" (this is from the building next door, which was once the home of City Barber Shop):



I need to grow up.

Song of the day: Cruel To Be Kind by Spacehog

Do People Still Wear Argyle Socks?

Do people still wear argyle socks? I remember lots of people wearing them in the 80s but haven't noticed them in some time. Of course, I don't spend much time looking at people's ankles.

I buy most of my clothes from thrift stores and yard sales, but I draw the line at underwear and socks. While I will not wear someone else's socks, I can't remember the last time I went sock shopping (probably sometime in the 80s). My in-laws usually put a few pairs in my Xmas stocking each year, so that pretty much covers all the old ones that need to be retired.

The picture below is of an actual office building. I had a friend who worked in the underwear drawer. His office was right next to the six-foot vibrator.



And in case you're curious, here's the chest next to another building just so you can get an idea of how big it is:



I need someone to teach me how to take better pictures.

Song of the day: Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards by Billy Bragg

The Erection Erection

From this angle, this building doesn't look too terribly phallic:



But check it out here:



There's no doubt a man designed this skyscraper.

Song of the day: Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love) by Joan Jett and Paul Westerberg