Excuses, Excuses

After Sunday night's loss to Wake Forest, Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski had the following to say: "Nolan hyper-extended his knee at Maryland and has been dealing with that since - and unlike other schools we don't release our injuries - so I thought he played a strong game tonight."

After Wednesday night's loss to Miami, Coach K said, "We are not the same team these last two ballgames. It's almost like someone has come in and invaded their bodies."

In review: he blames the first loss on top-secret, hush-hush injuries that only he knows about and blames the second loss on someone (Aliens? The Duke football team?) invading his players' bodies. I think Coach K needs some time off.

While I don't think he'll be needing my help after the St. John's game on Saturday, I've compiled a handy list of excuses for Coach K to use the next time his team suffers a loss:

• Al-Qaeda
• Bigfoot
• Lousy defense
• Bush
• Steroids
• Dick Vitale
• The housing bubble
• Vaccinations
• Stay-at-home dads
• Mindy Cohn
• Werewolves
• Mike Krzyzewski
  

No thanks necessary, Coach K!

Interested?

I'm toying around with live blogging The Oscars on Sunday night. Anyone interested in coming along for the ride?

Song of the day

I'd like to thank Greg Barbera for filling in as guest DJ this week. He has done a great job and I hope you guys have enjoyed his entries as much as I have. Here is his final selection:

I have often tried to explain the pure genius that is Turbonegro and it has often fallen on deaf ears. If you believe that one of the major tenets of punk rock is to confront, deconstruct, or vilify, then Turbonegro will need no explaining. Otherwise, the best I can do is throw out "Spinal Tap meets Ramones" and let you try to understand it from there.

Song of the day: Denim Demon by Turbonegro

How Dr. Seuss Screwed Up My Life

As darkness approaches and it's time to sleep,
My small mind starts to race with thoughts that are deep.
"Why are we all here and from where did we come?
Why are some so happy while some are so glum?"

And onward I wrestle these thoughts in my head
Instead of sleeping soundly, snug in my bed.
My thoughts turn to me; I become quite critical.
"How did I end up so jaded and cynical?"

Was it my parents, my friends, or my teachers?
My colleagues, my foes, my lovers, my preachers?
I'll tell you, I'll tell you who did this to me:
'Twas that wily Dr. Seuss (as soon you will see)!

With books full of wonderment, books full of fun,
Books with the craziest things under the sun,
Books with the coolest illustrations you'll see.
Like a drug, I was hooked when I was still wee.

His tales of Loraxes, elephants, and cats
Wockets, Sneetches, and boys with too many hats
Oh, the places I went! Oh, the things I saw!
His books and his drawings filled me with great awe.

But then recently I reentered his world,
Telling his stories to my boy and my girl.
I reread those old tales and found their true meanings
I found myself in need of soul and mind cleanings.

I blame Dr. Seuss for turning out this way!
I know others will laugh, while others will say,
"The Cat In The Hat did not make you aloof!"
If you still don't believe me, here is my proof:

Title: Horton Hatches The Egg
Lesson Learned: If you're nice to people, they will take advantage of you.

Title: McElligot's Pool
Lesson Learned: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a moron to fish and he's better off eating the worm.

Title: Thidwick, The Big-Hearted Moose
Lesson Learned: See Horton Hatches The Egg. But unlike Horton, you can get those who took advantage of you killed in the end. Rock!

Title: If I Ran The Zoo
Lesson Learned: If you have big dreams, make sure you find some unlucky bastard to do all the hard work for you.

Title: Scrambled Eggs Super!
Lesson Learned: It's okay to steal the eggs of the world's rarest (and probably nearly extinct) birds to make a really big omelet. Excuse me. Scrambled Eggs Super-Dee-Dooper-Dee-Booper, Special de luxe à-la-Peter T. Hooper.

Title: On Beyond Zebra!
Lesson Learned: Illiteracy.

Title: The Cat In The Hat
Lesson Learned: It's perfectly fine to invite complete strangers into your home when no one's around. Just don't tell Mom!

Title: Happy Birthday To You!
Lesson Learned: All the birthday parties I've ever had have sucked in comparison to those thrown in Katroo.

Title: Green Eggs And Ham
Lesson Learned: If you bug someone long enough, they'll give in and do whatever you want.

Title: The Sneetches
Lesson Learned: Everyone wants to be like the popular people. If you can find a way to make this happen, you will become very rich.

Title: The Zax
Lesson Learned: Never give in!

Title: Too Many Daves
Lesson Learned: George Foreman should have read this book.

Title: What Was I Scared Of?
Lesson Learned: Don't go out after dark.

Title: I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew
Lesson Learned: You'll find troubles wherever you go, so it's best to take them out with a big-assed bat.

Title: I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today!
Lesson Learned: It's okay to talk shit as long as you don't have to back it up.

Title: The Glunk That Got Thunk
Lesson Learned: A child's imagination is a dangerous thing. Let them watch television instead.

Title: Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?
Lesson Learned: That Police Academy dude ain't got nothing on Mr. Brown.

Title: The Lorax
Lesson Learned: The best way to deal with environmental activists is to ignore them. Eventually they get bored protesting, pick themselves up by their asses, and float away.

Title: There's A Wocket In My Pocket!
Lesson Learned: Find a good exterminator.

Title: Hunches In Bunches
Lesson Learned: Make sure all your multiple personalities are in agreement before deciding to do anything.

Title: The Butter Battle Book
Lesson Learned: Destroy everyone who is different from you.

Title: Oh, The Places You'll Go!
Lesson Learned: False hope.

Song of the day: Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies

Testing Athletes For Steroids Just Got A Whole Lot Cheaper (And Easier!)

Major League Baseball and the National Football League both have policies in effect that penalize athletes for taking illegal steroids. Up to now, athletes have been tested at random intervals to see if they were abusing steroids. It is a costly and not exactly foolproof process.

But thanks to the Roger Clemens Principle, introduced on Sunday night's 60 Minutes, it is now fairly easy to test for HGH. How?

Just check for a third ear on the athlete's forehead or the ability to pull a tractor with one's teeth. It's a simple sight test that anyone can administer.

Problem solved! Merry Christmas, MLB & NFL!

Cross-posted at Draft Day Suit

Song of the day: La Breeze by Simian

Sounds Like The First Time

In the comments for my last post, Eliza revealed the song that was playing when she lost her virginity. Because a post about the Girl Scouts will make a person want to divulge that information.

Anyway…

I thought it might be fun to go around the room and share. And if you're like me and had no soundtrack for the big moment, state the song that would have best described the experience and/or the song you wish had been playing during your first time.

I'll go first!

Song that best describes the experience: 7 Seconds.

No wait. That's a band.

How about Too Fast For Love by Motley Crue (insert proper umlauts)? That title pretty much sums up the experience. That or You Give Love A Bad Name. Take your pick.

But at least it was a break from my heavy rotation of I Touch Myself.

Moving on.

Song I wish best described the experience: Fuck Her Gently by Tenacious D. Or Closer by Nine Inch Nails (but that's too cliché and I've already used it as my stripper song).

Your turn!

Feel free to share the song that was playing during your first time, the song that best describes the experience, and the song that you wish best described the experience in the comments or put it on your site. And no cop-outs! I don't want to see any Feel Like Makin' Love, Let's Get It On, or Feels Like The First Time. Be creative!

Song Of The Day

Finishing out the week of guilty pleasures on a low note…

I love this song! I love this artist. She is one of my favorite female artists of all--

Ok. I can't lie any further. I hate this song. I hate every song she's ever done. I'm just looking for an excuse to show the video.

So fellas, hit the mute button and enjoy!

Song of the day: These Boots Are Made For Walkin' by Jessica Simpson

And don't worry ladies, I haven't forgotten about you!

With Apologies To Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our castle
The whole Christmas season had become quite a hassle.
The kids put out cookies and milk by the tree
In hopes that Santa would cave to bribery.

The children were sleeping soundly in their beds
After too much sugar had them crazed in the head.
But Ella and I were both manic and stressed.
It was then ten o'clock; we were both fully dressed.

There were presents to wrap and more things to be done.
The hour was nigh; we were under the gun.
The week before Christmas was busy and hopping
With parties and baking and holiday shopping.

At Target! At Penney's! At Best Buy and Wal-Mart!
At Costco! At Big Lots! At Toys "R" Us, Kmart!
And the vilest of places, the worst one of all,
The Mecca for consumers: the three-storied mall.

Ella was the wrapper and I was the dj.
(I assembled the toys so our children could play)
So we manned our stations in front of the TV
Watching our favorite holiday movie.

(It's not A Christmas Story or It's A Wonderful Life.
Not Bad Santa, Elf, Or Silent Night, Deadly Night.
When I tell you the truth, you'll think much less of me:
The best Christmas flick is Love Actually.)

The going was tough and nothing came easy.
How the hell does one wrap a child's ukulele?
When the clock struck eleven, there was one thing I knew:
That night, the new toys were the only things getting screwed.

But onward we marched through the mountain of presents.
We'd have started this sooner if we'd have had any sense.
Then finally at midnight, I let out a cheer,
"The presents are ready! Let's both grab a beer!"

I'd like to wish everyone reading this a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, a Happy Kwanza, a Merry Chrismukkah, Happy Holidays, and a Joyous Chumbawamba. And anything else I may have missed at this late hour.

Hope you all have a happy, safe, and peaceful holiday. See you in a few days.

Song of the day: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues Featuring Kristy MacColl

P.S. If you'd like to hear a much cuter version of this song, click here.

An Open Letter To The Army Of Toddlers Who Will Want To Burn Down My House On Christmas Morn

Dear Two-Year-Old Boys--

You don't know it yet, but you're probably going to be very pissed at me when you open your presents on Christmas morning. Consider this my apology.

I'm sure you were hoping to get cars and trucks, some Diego stuff, a few dinosaurs, a pimped-out tricycle, and probably a lot of other licensed character merchandise. You sat proudly on Santa's lap a few weeks ago and shyly said, "Spider-Man" when the fat man asked what you wanted for Christmas. I'm sure you've all been pestering your parents on an hourly basis, wanting to know when Christmas will come.

I can imagine your cherubic faces waking up Christmas morning, wiping the sleep from your eyes, and running to your family's Christmas tree. Your loving parents will hand you a present which you will think will be that Elmo doll you've been eyeing in the Target toy section.

I can see you wildly ripping the wrapping paper from the gift. But then your smiles fade as you discover the gift is not an Elmo doll.

Nope. It's going to be a fucking lap harp.

Sorry about that. You see, there's this thing called Google where people go to find information about everything. You can type the word poop into Google and get tons of information about poop. Even pictures! Pretty cool, huh?

Many people have used Google during the holiday season to help them search for gifts for their loved ones. People like your Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, friends, and other family members. People who love you.

So when they typed in best gift for a two year old boy, toys two year old boy, perfect gift for 2 year old boy, or something similar, there's a very good chance they ended up here (based on my log files, which have shown about 40 hits/day for such search terms for the past month and a half). I wrote about buying my son a lap harp for his second birthday and named the post The Perfect Gift For A Two-Year-Old Boy. Now what might be perfect for my son might not be perfect for you, but Google doesn't know that. So once again, I apologize.

If you're still pissed off at me, come over to my house and play on Christmas morning. Zed will be getting dinosaurs, cars, and other cool stuff.

Because I didn't need to ask Google what to get him for Christmas.

Hugs & Kisses,
Uncle Chag

Song of the day: Jingle Bell Rock by Hall & Oates

Cynic's Index, December 2007

Yo, RockStar Mommy! I see your slack and raise you:

Cynic's Index

Number of Christmas trees erected in our house: 0

Number of times I giggled after typing erected: 3

Number of cookies baked for the neighbors: 0

Number of cookies baked for ourselves last night: 12

Number of cookies I ate before going to bed: 3.5

Percentage of presents bought for our children's teachers: 60

Percentage of presents that would have been bought for our children's
teachers had "The Class Mom" of Zed's preschool class not decided
to ask for monetary donations for gift certificates: 0

Number of Christmas cards mailed out: 0

Number of Christmas photos taken of the kids for this year's Christmas card: 0

Chance that we will be using this year's Halloween picture on our Christmas card: 7 in 8

Number of hours spent this weekend looking for Christmas gifts for the kids: 4.75

Number of Christmas gifts bought this past weekend for the kids: 0

Number of Wal-Marts visited this past weekend looking for gifts for the kids: 1

Number of pawn shops visited this past weekend looking for a gift for Zed: 2

Percentage of Cynical Dad readers that now think I'm totally white trash: 92

Number of Christmas decorations, including lights, displayed outside our home: 0

Number of Christmas decorations, including lights, displayed outside our neighbor's home: 14,816

Number of times Zoey says "I wish our house looked like their house" each day: 17

Average amount of minutes Zed spends daily staring out the window at the neighbor's Christmas decorations: 47

Chance that we'll have a merry Christmas despite all this: 1 in 1

Song of the day: Bizarre Christmas Incident by Ben Folds

A Time For Giving

At Christmastime, everybody does what they can to help their fellow man. From the Salvation Army Santas ringing bells outside the big box stores to the people in your office pulling their money together to adopt a family for Christmas, everyone becomes more generous and more compassionate as the holiday grows closer.

Each year, more and more businesses reach out to those in their community that need a helping hand. It makes you wish Christmas was year-round.

There's a place not too far from me that is having a canned food drive to help those in need. From now until Christmas Eve, if you bring in two cans of food, you can gain free admission to the strip club down the road from me.

It warms the cockles of my heart. Maybe next year they'll start a Toys For Tits Tots campaign.

Song of the day: Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You by Billy Squier

Halloween Safety Guide: How To Successfully Survive A Monster Attack

It's almost time for Halloween, the one night of the year where monsters are free (and encouraged!) to roam the Earth. As a public service announcement to my six readers, I thought I would share this guide on how to kill various monsters.

Be safe!

Aliens
Most aliens are soft, squishy little things that are unable to cause much harm. They can be easily thwarted by simple objects like water (Signs) and Slim Pickens recordings (Mars Attacks!). And is just me, or did it look like you could kill one of the aliens from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind by sneezing on it?

But if you find yourself face-to-face with the alien from Alien, you're on your own.

Axe (Or Any Other Sharp Object)-Wielding Serial Killers
Think Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, and Leatherface. These creatures are notoriously slow, so if you ever confront one, just run as fast you can in the opposite direction and you should be okay (but for the love of all that is holy, do not drop in the woods and cry, as he'll be on your ass quicker than you can say, "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!"). But the only thing that can truly stop these beasts is disappointing box office receipts.

Chupacabras
Chupacabras aren't real, silly!

Genetically Altered Beasts
If you encounter an extremely large creature like Godzilla, call the Army. If you're lucky, you'll face a mutant of a more manageable size, like a C.H.U.D. But be careful! Just because something's toxic, doesn't mean it's bad. You don't want to accidentally kill The Toxic Avenger.

Ghosts
Ghosts cannot harm you; they are merely nuisances. Most of the time, a ghost is just pissed over something you did (moved into his house, disgraced his burial ground, killed him when he was a human, etc.). If you can deal with a bunch of clattering pots and pans, items moved without your knowledge, etc., you're in the clear. I don't really think you can kill a ghost. It's either deal with it or move out.

Killer Tomatoes
These beings are very rare. But if you find yourself cornered by a bunch of them, don't fret. Just use those Doc Martens to make Killer Ketchup!

Mummies
Mummies are the wusses of the Monster World. They're covered in bandages, move slower than zombies, and are forced to walk with their arms stretched out in front of them. And they make weird noises like, "Mmmmhhhhmmmm." If a mummy shows up at your house, just laugh at him and go back to whatever you were doing.

Vampires
Vampires sleep all day and appear only at night. They are the rock stars of the Monster World; there's a reason the vamps in The Lost Boys looked more like Jon Bon Jovi than Count Chocula. To prepare for possible vampire activity, have a wooden stake, a cross, and a steel turtleneck at your disposal. And to be on the safe side, kill any and all bats you see.

Werewolves
These critters only appear during full moons, so check your lunar calendar. They can be stopped with silver bullets, which can be found at Army Navy Surplus Stores and Wal-Mart. If you are able to take down a werewolf, make sure you stay for the aftershow: werewolves usually revert to their human form. And they're usually naked!

Zombies
Zombies are only after brains, so if you're stupid, you're safe. Otherwise, a direct blow to the head with a sharp object or bullet will kill these slow-moving fiends.

One Last Word Of Warning
You may find yourself surrounded by hordes of waist-high creatures. These creatures are usually fast, as ravenous as zombies, and take on many forms and shapes. But these creatures are trick-or-treaters.

Do not kill them.

Song of the day: People Who Died by The Jim Carroll Band

Baseball And Strippers

The NLCS and ALCS start Thursday and Friday, respectively. Even though the Yankees have been bounced from the MLB playoffs (and no, I'm not ready to talk about it; I'm stuck on the second stage of grief), I will still be watching. I'll be rooting for certain teams and against certain teams.

I have been a lifelong baseball fan. It was the first sport I really followed as a kid. But it's not a perfect sport. Here are six ways I think the MLB playoffs could be improved (and no, they don't include giving the Yankees a berth every year):

Televise the playoffs on a real network
ESPN. FOX. Hell, even The Game Show Network would have probably done a better job with the division series than TBS did. The whole experience seemed dirty to me, like I was watching a Braves game or something.

And maybe the "real" networks have spoiled me, but would it kill you to show pitch speed, location, and instant replays every once in awhile? It wasn't until Sunday's game that I noticed they were showing pitch replays every so often. Before that, if there was a questionable strike or ball called, you just had to take the announcer's (and I use that term loosely, Mr. Caray) word for it or use your TiVo.

TBS dropped the ball.

Expand the playoffs
People complain that the Wild Card teams have it too easy (just don't tell that to the Yankees). The Wild Card team normally plays the best team in its league during the first round of the playoffs in a best-of-five series. The Wild Card team can take one of two on the road, then win two at home, and the team with the best record is then set packing. It's too short of a series.

So rather than expand it to a best-of-seven series, here's my suggestion: add another Wild Card team to each league's playoffs. The two Wild Card teams would play each other in a grueling best-of-three, game-travel-game-travel-game five-day series. The winner of this game would then go on to play the best team in the league while the other two division winners would play each other. The team with the best record during the regular season would be rewarded with a week to rest while the Wild Card series winner would have been playing or traveling the previous week, making the Wild Card team a true underdog. Plus, it gives the networks four to six extra playoff games to televise. Money!

Shorten the regular season
To make up for the extra week of playoffs, the season will have to be shortened. There's no reason the MLB season needs to be 162 games long. That's almost two NBA or NHL seasons and over ten NFL seasons.

As much as I love to watch the Yankees play the Sox, they do not need to play each other eighteen times a season. I feel we should decrease the number of games a team plays against divisional rivals to twelve. This would shave almost a month off the regular season.

Either that, or just get rid of interleague play.

Of course, shortening the regular season would never fly for two reasons:

1. less games = less revenue, and no one's going to agree to that
2. there are six teams in the NL Central and four in the AL West
   

Cheerleaders
Need I say more?

Either make the DH obsolete or put in both leagues
It doesn't matter where you stand on the issue. You might like the strategic bunting, stealing, and pitching changes that the National League offers. Or you might enjoy the extra bat in the lineup of the American League. Nonetheless, both leagues should play baseball the same way.

If you think about it, it's kind of stupid. It would be like if the teams in the AFC put twelve guys on the field when they played each other while the NFC played with eleven guys when they faced each other. Either get rid of the DH or establish it in the National League as well.

Get a new spokesperson
I know MLB is constantly trying to appeal to new demographics, but hiring Dane Cook as its celebrity pitchman was not the way to go. If I see Dane Cook, it makes me want to change the channel. I'm not alone on this, am I?

I'd rather see Daniel Cook as the spokesperson.

Or Rachel Leigh Cook.

Or Rachel Ray. She's a cook.

And If You've Made It This Far, Here Is Your Million Dollar Reward

A Sport Clips franchise recently opened in my town. It's a place where you can get can get your hair cut and watch sporting events at the same time. It's marketed exclusively to men, so if you're a woman who's into sports, you're out of luck (sorry, Sarah).

But why stop there? Let's take the haircut and sexism combo to a whole new level.

Strip Clips: The Topless Hair Salon.

There's a topless carwash in town that does a fairly decent business. I would imagine a topless barbershop would make out even better.

And it would give a whole new meaning to getting a trim.

Song of the day: Cut Your Hair by Pavement

Kids Today Do NOT Have It Easy

A few weeks back, when I mentioned that we were using our Dance Dance Number Recognition game to assist Zoey in recognizing numbers up to 100, some of you were astonished to learn that number recognition and writing were prerequisites for kindergarten. Well, let me let those of you with toddlers in on a little secret: things have changed drastically since you were in kindergarten. Preschool is the new kindergarten, kindergarten is the new first or second grade, and I am the new black.

Ok. I am not the new anything. I was just seeing if you guys were paying attention.

Anyway…

As I was reading Zoey's homework instructions to her the other evening, I started thinking of all the ways Zoey's version of kindergarten differs from the one I experienced 30+ years ago:

	Kindergarten '07	Kindergarten '76
Class Size	22	10
Name	Identify and write full name (and not in ALL CAPS).	Respond when the teachers says your name.
Counting	Count and write to 100.	Count to 3. The Einsteins in the class could count to 5.
Penmanship	Write all lowercase and uppercase letters and some simple words.	Coloring inside the lines.
Homework	Every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night.	Showing up for school the next day.
Naps	I wish! Zoey turns into a monster every evening at 6:30 PM. You can set your watch by it.	Yes. We slept on little mats that were about as thick as a dime.
Shoe Tying	Velcro, bitches!	Yes. I think this was our major accomplishment of the year.
Affection	Don't even think about it, Zoey!	I received my first kiss in kindergarten.

Did I leave anything off the list?

Song of the day: No Myth by Michael Penn

Couple Named World's Worst Parents

LAS VEGAS -- In a Saturday evening ceremony held at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino, Chag and Ella Holland were named "The World's Worst Parents" by Parenting Resources Magazine. "While it's a disgrace to be thought of as the world's worst at anything, let alone parenting, at least we got a free trip to Vegas out of it," Ella told reporters. Added Chag, "this trip is free, right?"

"The Hollands had been on Parenting Resources Magazine's radar for most of the year for past parenting indiscretions, but they really outdid themselves this week," Parenting Resources Magazine spokesperson Amber Wright stated.

"Yeah, we screwed up, but it wasn't totally our fault," Chag explained. "Every day, Zoey brings home mountains of papers from kindergarten. Newsletters, lunch menus, bus route information, fundraiser information, PTA letters, school rules, all kinds of crap. Did they really expect us to read every single piece of paper? I don't have a Personal Assistant."

Amidst the abundance of papers was a newsletter which outlined their daughter's homework assignments for the week. "The sad thing is Zoey tried to let us know about it. On Tuesday, she told us she had to tell three things about her family at school the next day. On Wednesday, she told us she needed to know her Student ID Number," Ella said. "It wasn't until later that night that I found the newsletter. The next morning, we were cramming at breakfast, hammering her Student ID Number into her head."

"She's in kindergarten! They're not supposed to have homework," Chag added.

The Hollands have since learned their lesson. They have vowed to read every scrap of paper they find in their daughter's backpack.

Song Of The Day

Motherbumper was kind enough to take over the turntables for me this week. She'll be picking the songs of the day this week and writing a little bit about each one (if anyone else would like to DJ for a week sometime down the road, drop me a line). Without further ado…

This opportunity to play DJ gave me the chance to dig around the archives for some of my favorite blasts from the past. The hardest thing to do was narrowing down the list but I managed (barely). I decided to go for a quasi-theme of songs of motherbumper's youth - something I have fought hard not to give up. But as the responsibilities of parenting become unavoidable, I must admit it is Bumper's turn to be the youngin' and I must be the fist shakin' ol' fogey. So here is my first trip down memory lane (omg even saying that makes me feel damn old).

As a young, irresponsible lass I lived in what we called the House of Skate. We had no cable on our TV, no VCR for entertainment, but be damned we had a mega-speakered sound system that made us just that much more endearing to our neighbors (well that and our penchant for setting off firecrackers at odd hours). Oh yes, we were the neighbors from hell. Firecrackers aside, this song featured in what was probably our most annoying habit that for some strange reason, the neighbors tolerated. On Saturday mornings, everyone that lived in the house had to be work at the ungodly hour of 9 AM so one of the more organized roommates always cranked this song to wake us out of our drunken stupors. Ditch Digger was an anthem of sorts, our marching song that led us off to our horrible stinkin' "working for the man" McJobs.

These days, I would kill to be able to sleep that late in the morning. Growing up and being all responsible-like really sucks.

Song of the day: Ditch Digger by Rocket From The Crypt

Music For Hip Kids (And Even Hipper Parents)

I've been sitting on this news forever and I've finally been given the greenlight to spill my guts!

About a year ago, I was sharing a beer with an old band mate of mine. Unlike myself, he was able to make a career out of music and is currently an engineer/producer at a local recording studio. I was bragging how ever since my children were wee babies, I've had the ability to soothe them with just a few lines from a song. One beer led to another and the next week I was in his studio with a couple of studio musicians recording a few demos.

My producer friend shopped the demos around for a few months to different record companies and someone finally bit. We all flew to New York in late January and cut an album. It'll be released on June 26, 2007.

We're releasing it as Chag Holland & The Hollandaise (Is that too cheesy? Of course, it's too late to be asking that now. CDs have already been printed.). The album's entitled Music For Hip Kids (And Even Hipper Parents). I wasn't too cool with the title, but I learned very quickly a brand-new children's artist has to bend A LOT.

The record company gave me the go-ahead to give you the track listing (but they drew the line at posting mp3s). It consists of nine originals and three covers. The originals aren't your usual children's fare (or so I like to tell myself). I've always thought that music is a great educational tool. While it might be fun to sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat, it can be equally as fun to sing other songs that might contain some sort of message. And that's what I tried to do with my original tunes. I also tried to throw in as many musical genres as I possibly could.

Anyway, here's the track list:

1. The Bare Necessities This is the classic from The Jungle Book. We pretty much played this one straight-up; we felt it was too cool to mess around with too much. As an added bonus, Zoey got to sing Mowgli's parts on the track.
2. Share Or It's Going In The Trash A punkish number about sharing.
3. God Made Dirt So Dirt Won't Hurt An industrial track about kids making messes. This is Zed's favorite song on the disc (probably because he loves to make messes).
4. Because I Said So A fast-paced zydeco ditty.
5. Wig In A Box This song from Hedwig And The Angry Inch was what I would sing to Zoey when she was a baby. She still loves to hear me sing it four years later. Besides, what kid doesn't love to play dress-up?
6. Princesses Don't Eat Their Boogers This is a phrase I often tell Zoey because she's so into princesses. So I decided to write a song about it.
7. Please Don't Do It Until You're Thirty This song is about sex. It's also the only song where I get to rap. Pity.
8. Do You Know Where That's Been? This is my double-entendre hair band song. It could be interpreted as picking up something off the floor and eating it. Or it could be interpreted as picking up a girl at a bar and…
9. Pee In The Toilet, Not In The Tub A retro 80s synth track.
10. Big Kid Underwear This is a rah-rah-rah song about potty training (we even have cheerleaders singing the chorus). This will be the first single and first video.
11. Daddy Needs A Drink A country ballad about the end of the day, bedtime, and what Daddy does behind closed doors.
12. Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life This song by Monty Python was the song I would sing to Zed when he was a baby. I couldn't make it to the chorus before the crying stopped.
    

If all goes well, we're hoping to launch a mini-tour at county fairs this summer. I'll post the dates as soon I receive word. Hope to see you guys there!

Song of the day: Liar by Rollins Band

At Least I'm Not I-Hate-You-Daddy Bear

Last weekend, I TiVo'd Care Bears: Big Wish Movie for Zoey. Since she received a Care Bear for Christmas, I figured she might like to see a movie about them.

Was I ever right.

As a result, we have been experiencing Care Bearmania in the Cynical Dad household (which is great because anything that gives even a slight reprieve from the 24/7 talk of Disney Princesses is truly a blessing). Last night, Zoey gave us all our own Care Bear monikers.

Zoey is Love-A-Lot Bear. Ella is Laugh-A-Lot Bear. Zed is Baby Bear or Sleepy Bear, depending on Zoey's mood.

Me? I'm Grumpy Bear.

Thanks, babe! But it's probably not that inaccurate of a name for me. Especially when I first wake up in the morning.

But I will say this much for the Care Bears. Despite the fact that they're sickly sweet and gag inducing, they lead a very easy life. Why? Their personal traits are their names. Wouldn't life be so much simpler if we were like that? You would instantly know what kind of person someone was just by knowing his or her name.

Add in the accompanying belly tattoo and life would be even easier. We wouldn't even have to talk to a person, just look at his or her stomach and we'd know all we needed to know about that person (any other misanthropes in the audience totally digging this Utopia or is it just me?).

Just think of how great life would be if we all had Care Bear names!

We'd want to befriend Responsible-Babysitter Bear, Lots-Of-Money Bear, and Has-Super-Bowl-Tickets Bear.

We'd shy away from Poor-Hygiene Bear, Whines-A-Lot Bear, and One-Bad-Day-Away-From-Snapping-And-Becoming-A-Serial-Killer Bear.

Saving-Myself-For-Marriage Bear would have lots of lonely nights whereas Gives-Great-Head Bear would never know solitude. God, what I could've done with this information in high school.

Now I want to hear from you guys. If you were a Care Bear, what would your name be?

Thanks in advance,
Neurotic Bear

GHS: 0