Fat, Drunk, And Stupid Is No Way To Go Through Life, Son

The other day, I saw a sorority girl wearing a t-shirt advertising a golf tournament where the proceeds went to cancer research. The back read "Beating Cancer -- One Stroke At A Time."

Oh the double entendre!

I love sorority girls. Even when they're trying to do good, they're still a bit naughty.

Top 5 Fraternity/Sorority Movies
(Non-Porn Edition)

Yeah, I know. Not much of a segue. Delta Delta Deal with it.

Honorable Mentions
The House On Sorority Row
Hell Night
Night Of The Creeps
Fraternity Vacation
Three scary movies and an 80s sexploitation flick. Sounds like the perfect date night to me!

Onto the Top 5 (I'm leaving out descriptions because I'm assuming everyone has already seen these flicks):

5. PCU
This movie featured a very strange looking Adam Duritz Jon Favreau.

4. School Daze
Any chance you get to add a Spike Lee movie to a list, you take it.

3. Old School
"We're going streaking!" God, I love Will Ferrell. I'm a simple man with simple tastes.

2. Animal House
This movie was so great it spawned a half-assed TV show.

1. Revenge Of The Nerds
This movie was so great it spawned three half-assed sequels.

Wow. There are two Jeremy Piven movies on my list. He was in two of the movies I featured last week, too. I'm beginning to think I have a crush on him or something.

So what are your favorite non-porn fraternity/sorority movies? We'll save the porno titles for a future date.

Song of the day: Kyrie by Mr. Mister

Songs From Movies

Music has always been a very important part of my life. I've seen hundreds of concerts. Bought ten times as many albums/tapes/CDs/mp3s. Sang in bands. Played in bands. Done the college dj thing. Nowadays, I make up silly songs for the kids.

Certain songs have special meanings for me. Some songs become personal theme songs. Some songs put me in a good mood. Some songs put me in a sad mood. Some songs take me back to a particular moment in my life. While there was no song playing during my first kiss, I can you tell you at least twenty songs that were popular that week.

Some songs take me to the movies.

TOP FIVE SONGS FROM MOVIES

I thought it would be fun to list the top five songs that, when I hear them, immediately take me to the movie scene in which they were featured.

I made two rules for myself when I did this:

1. The song had to be somewhat popular. Today's song of the day came from Some Kind Of Wonderful. I love this song and that movie, but this is not a song you can hear on the radio, so it was not considered.
2. The song could not have been recorded specifically for the movie. Most movie theme songs are memorable, so that's too easy. Hearing "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" will instantly remind you of Ghostbusters. And bad 80s fashion.
   

Honorable Mentions
Stuck In The Middle With You from Reservoir Dogs
This song would probably come in at number six.

My Way/Layla from Goodfellas
They seamlessly went from Sid Vicious to the piano part from Layla. I love this! But since it's actually two songs, I didn't put it on the list.

Purple Rain
The entire album could be on this list, especially the title track. But it didn't pass the second rule I made for myself.

Fight The Power from Do The Right Thing
This song should've won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar, it was used so much in the film. But since I couldn't tie it to a particular scene, I didn't include it on the list despite it being one of my favorite songs and one of my favorite movies.

Intentionally Omitted Because They Suck
Unchained Melody from Ghost
Yeah, this song makes me think of the stupid pottery scene. But the song sucks and the flick sucks more.

Old Time Rock And Roll from Risky Business
Great flick, but one of the worst songs of all time. And I don't want any song making me think of Tom Cruise in his underwear.

Ok. Here's the Top 5:

5. 99 Luftballons from Grosse Pointe Blank [view clip]
This scene actually opens with John Cusack's character killing the hit man to the tune of The English Beat's Mirror In The Bathroom. But then Minnie Driver's character comes in and finds what he's done. Her jaw drops and Nena starts playing. Cusack gives a small speech to Jeremy Piven as the drums kick in. And as the song speeds up, they are shown carrying the body down the steps. It's almost as if this song was written for the movie. Hell, it's in German so maybe it was.

This entire movie makes good use of the music that plays in the background.

4. Where Is My Mind? from Fight Club [view clip]
Buildings crumble over Frank Black's falsetto. Roll credits. I don't know if you could've found a better song to be the theme for this scene and the movie.

3. In Your Eyes from Say Anything [view clip]
Seriously, who doesn't think of John Cusack holding the boombox over his head when they hear this song?

2. A Quick One, While He's Away from Rushmore [view clip]
Songs are characters in Wes Anderson's movies. This flim was his crowning achievement and one of my favorite movies of all time.

1. Bohemian Rhapsody from Wayne's World [view clip]
I never said these songs conjured up good images!

I love this song but every time I hear it, I can't help thinking of Wayne and Garth headbanging. I wish I could unremember this scene.

So what songs make you think of particular movie scenes?

Song of the day: Can't Help Falling In Love by Lick The Tins

On The Mend (For Real This Time)

When it came to my kids' illnesses, I used to think I could handle anything except high fevers. Now I can add dehydration to that list.

When I wrote my last post, everyone was on the mend. About 11:00 PM that evening, Zed woke up vomiting again. And again. And again. All night and morning long.

I took him to the doctor Wednesday morning and even though they said he was mildly dehydrated, there wasn't anything they could do for him. So I came home and paced.

And cleaned up more vomit.

I took him back to the doctor on Wednesday afternoon. When I arrived, I found out that if you make two visits in one day, the second one is free (they NEVER should have told me that tidbit of information). We received the same diagnosis, so we returned home. Much of Wednesday night was spent administering Pedialyte to Zed via an oral syringe.

Finally at 3:30 AM this morning, Zed turned a corner, which was a good thing because Ella left for NYC this morning so both Zed and I would've ended up in the hospital today had the illness continued (dehydration for him, nerves for me). He hasn't vomited since and, shortly before bedtime tonight, started showing signs of his usual self.

In the past few days I've watched my son's Buddha belly become lean (just in time for the swimsuit season!). I've watched him morph from an energetic, lively little lad to a lethargic slug. I've never seen him or Zoey this sick before and I hope I never do again.

Five Things You Should Be Doing Instead Of Reading Another Word Of My Drivel

Seriously. Leave now.

1. ENTER THIS: Dave at Blogography is celebrating his site's fifth anniversary by giving away prizes to his readers. So far this week, he's put up t-shirts, playing cards, hats, pins, and prints for people to win. I was one of the four grand prize winners last year, so I can vouch for the quality and overall coolness of the stuff he's giving away. There's still time to enter all his giveaways, so what are you waiting for?
    
   
2. LISTEN TO THIS: The new Weezer song rocks!
    
   
3. LISTEN TO THIS: The new Crue song rocks too!
    
   
4. READ THIS: Neil takes a look at the class distinctions in the Democratic primary race.
    
   
5. READ THIS: MommyBlogsToronto has a spiffy new design and a new name: Better Than A Playdate.

Song of the day: Mountain Trip To Japan, 1959 by Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players

How The Fancy-Schmancy Grocery Stores Differ From The Local Piggly Wiggly

In one of my recent posts, I stated that I don't care for Whole Foods and its ilk. Maybe I'm too much of a redneck or too much of an asshole (or a little of both), but I feel uncomfortable when I walk into those stores.

Why?

1. At my local grocery store, they don't treat me a like a leper when I say, "Plastic." (And before you send that angry email, I reuse my plastic bags instead of a Diaper Genie (and yes, I know I'm still going to get hate mail).)
    
2. At my local grocery store, I don't have to take out a second mortgage to pay my grocery bill.
    
3. At my local grocery store, I can check out the latest celebrity gossip mags while they bag my groceries. At the hoity-toity grocery stores, I'm stuck looking at wine magazines and magazines for lesbians. Ok. Maybe the pretentious grocery stores aren't all that bad.
    
4. At my local grocery store, people consume more than just vitamins, fruit, prepared foods, and wine.
    
5. Piggly Wiggly isn't self-righteous: their mascot is a cartoon pig dressed as a butcher!

Song of the day: Thunderbird by Quiet Riot

The Cynical Dad 500

I figured since everyone and their mothers are sponsoring NASCAR races these days, I'd give it a spin. NASCAR's still cool, right?

Ok. I didn't really bankroll a race. I don't have that kind of dough. Yet.

This is actually the 500th post on Cynical Dad. I know there are those who post several times a day that would laugh at someone commemorating his 500th post. But I look at that number and feel like I've accomplished something.

Of course, when you take away the posts about music, the posts about this site (like this one), and the posts that suck (like this one), you're only left with sixteen posts.

So while this is my 500th post (or 16th, depending on how you look at it), it's also my last. I know I've already quit once this week. But that was a joke. This is for reals.

I'm planning on winning the lottery on Saturday night. I can feel it! And that 200 million will come in mighty handy. Champagne wishes, caviar dreams, and Parisian prostitutes. All the finer things.

So this is it. Hope you enjoyed the ride. 500 is such a nice number to end things with, don't you think?

But before I go, let's bring this post full circle. In honor of the NASCAR talk at the beginning (and my failed Five For Friday series), here's one last list for the road.

The Five Most Boring Sports To Watch On Television

5. Hockey
4. Auto racing
3. The Paint Drying World Championship
2. Soccer
1. Golf

Sayonara, bitches!

Song of the day: Rock And Roll by The Velvet Underground

Five For Friday: Vampire And Zombie Double Feature

It's nearing Halloween, so let's talk horror movies! Today, let's focus on zombies and vampires.

Top Five Vampire Movies

First of all, let's get the also-rans out of the way:

Honorable Mentions: Blood & Donuts, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, From Dusk Till Dawn, The Hunger, My Best Friend is a Vampire, Once Bitten, Shadow Of The Vampire

Intentionally Omitted Because They Suck: Blade (all three of them), Bram Stoker's Dracula, Interview With The Vampire, Vampire In Brooklyn

The Film Snob In Me Thinks This Should Be In The Top Five But The Gore Fan In Me Says Screw It: Nosferatu

Now onto the Top Five:

5. Fright Night
After learning his next-door neighbor is a vampire, a teenager goes to a cheesy late-night television horror movie host for help. A funny flick that is often overlooked.

4. Salem's Lot
This movie scared the hell out of me when it came out. Might have been because I was nine at the time. It's no longer scary, but it's still a great movie.

3. The Lost Boys
You've all seen this. A very stylish movie that just reeks of the 80s. And it stars the Coreys!

2. Vampire's Kiss
Nicolas Cage stars as a publisher who may or may not be a vampire in one of the funniest and most outlandish roles of his career.

1. Near Dark
A band of vampires stalk tiny western towns, looking for prey. The young female vampire turns a teenager into a vampire and he must choose between his own survival and protecting his family. The movie has a great ending that teaches you how to reverse the effects of vampirism (should the need ever arise).

Top Five Zombie Movies

First of all, let's get the also-rans out of the way:

Honorable Mentions: 28 Days Later, Re-Animator, Shaun Of The Dead

Intentionally Omitted Because They Suck: Night Of The Comet, Pet Sematary

The Film Snob In Me Thinks This Should Be In The Top Five But The Gore Fan In Me Says Screw It: Night Of The Living Dead

Now onto the Top Five:

5. Dawn Of The Dead (original version)
Zombies at the mall! And yeah, there's a message in there, too.

4. Evil Dead II
For the longest time, this was one of my favorite movies. I could quote damn near every line from it. It probably should've been ranked higher.

3. Dead Alive (Braindead)
A monkey bites a woman, turning her into a zombie. One of the bloodiest movies ever made, this flick was directed by Peter Jackson, who went on to make movies about Hobbits and large gorillas.

2. Return Of The Living Dead
A moron unleashes a dangerous chemical which causes all the dead in the nearby cemetery to rise from their graves. Probably best known for Linnea Quigley's stripping. Great soundtrack!

1. Cemetery Man (Dellamorte Dellamore)
Ella refers to this movie as "an artsy-fartsy horror porno." If that doesn't make you want to see it, nothing I say will change your mind. Stars Rupert Everett as a guy who's paid to take care of a cemetery where the dead rise every night.

P.S. If anyone sees 30 Days Of Night this weekend, please drop me a note and let me know how it was. That flick looks very promising to me.

P.P.S. While there is a damn good chance that most of my posts for the rest of the month will be somewhat related to Halloween, I do know that all my Songs Of The Day for the rest of the month will revolve around Halloween. Just a friendly warning for those who might not be interested.

P.P.P.S. What are your favorite vampire and zombie flicks?

Song of the day: Cry Little Sister by Gerard McMann

Five For Friday: Friday The 13th Sequels

I know this post will interest less than ten percent of you (the same could be said for most of my posts), but in honor of Friday the 13th, I thought it would be fun to list the top five Friday The 13th sequels.

Friday The 13th was a classic horror flick that spawned ten sequels. It featured a young Kevin Bacon. It's amazing how many famous actors have done horror flicks early in their careers:

• Johnny Depp in A Nightmare On Elm Street
• Jennifer Aniston in Leprechaun
• John Travolta in Carrie
• Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween, Halloween II, The Fog, Prom Night, and Terror Train
• Renée Zellweger AND Matthew McConaughey in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
  

But I guess it's better than doing porn, you know?

I've always loved the Friday The 13th movies. Sure, there were some missteps along the way: Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning (A paramedic pretending to be Jason? No thanks.), Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (Jason's soul changes bodies? No thanks.), and Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood (Telepathy? No thanks.). But for the most part, the series kicked ass.

Here are my top 5 Friday The 13th sequels:

5. Jason X
Jason in Space. Jason looked like a total badass in this movie.

4. Friday The 13th Part III
This is the flick where Jason first donned the hockey mask. This installment was filmed in 3-D. Every movie should be shown in 3-D. Especially porn.

3. Freddy Vs. Jason
Jason vs. Freddy Krueger, the star of the A Nightmare On Elm Street flicks. I was soooo looking forward to this for such a long time. It was a great flick, but not nearly as good as it could have been.

2. Friday The 13th Part II
The one where Jason starts doing the ass kicking to avenge his mother's death!

1. Friday The 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter
This movie is great on so many levels. The More twins. The ending, where a young Tommy Jarvis shaves his head and "becomes" Jason in order to take down Jason. Gratitous sex, nudity, drug use, and bad acting.

But one day, film historians will honor this movie as a significant cinematic achievement because this is the first and only film where two of the greatest thespians of our time, Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover, share the screen.

I hope everyone has a happy Friday the 13th!

Song of the day: Rise by Public Image Limited

Five For Friday: 80s High School Flicks

Last week, The Lovely Mrs. Davis penned a great piece on the high school flicks of the mid-to-late 80s in which she wondered if other generations have movies that capture their high school experiences so well. As someone who went to high school during those years, it was a topic I could totally embrace.

But me? I want to know what happened to the teenage sex flicks that were commonplace in the early 80s. Movies like Fraternity Vacation, Hardbodies, Joysticks, The Last American Virgin, Losin' It, Mischief, Porky's, Private Resort, Private School, and Spring Break. Movies that were about guys, usually with a virgin in tow, trying to hook up with as many women as possible. Movies with gratuitous nudity.

What happened to this genre? Has there been a movie released this millennium that belongs to this genre other than the extremely smart and funny The Girl Next Door? Are you telling me there's not a market for this type of flick today? Have we turned into a nation of prudes? Or are they just released directly to DVD to show up eventually on Cinemax?

When I was in the seventh grade, our English class took a field trip to see the movie Gandhi. The movie was nineteen hours long. About a fourth of the way through the film, a few of my friends and I went to the lobby to get a drink or play a video game or take a leak or ANYTHING to get us out of that movie for a few moments. We looked at the marquee to see what other films were showing at the theater. And that's when we saw those two glorious words on the marquee, glowing as if a light had shone down from heaven: Spring Break. We immediately decided to ditch Gandhi and sneak into that flick.

To this day, I know we made the right decision.

Anyway, because I have nothing else to write about thought it would be fun, here are my Top 5 80s High School Flicks:

5. Some Kind Of Wonderful
It would probably be sacrilegious not to include at least one John Hughes flick in any discussion of 80s high school flicks. I had a major crush on Mary Stuart Masterson and loved her Watts character. Plus, at the end, Eric Stoltz chooses her over the popular Lea Thomson character (which is what was DEAD WRONG with Pretty In Pink -- Molly Ringwald should've ended up with Duckie at the end!).

4. The Last American Virgin
When you watch this movie, you feel like you're looking at actual high school students. They look the part and act the part. They feel the part. The first half of the flick is of the typical teenage sex flick genre, but then movie switches gears and turns into an emotional drama. And the un-Hollywood Ending will leave you yelling at the television (I deliberatively omitted plot details because this movie is not as well-known as the others on my list). Check it out if you haven't already seen it.

3. Valley Girl
Remember when Nicolas Cage still made cool movies? Nicolas Cage, a punkish character, falls in love with a Valley Girl and none of their friends approve of the relationship (sound familiar?). And like so many of the high school flicks of the 80s, it ends at a prom/school dance. This movie also had one of the best soundtracks ever.

2. Fast Times At Ridgemont High
Jeff Spicoli. The Phoebe Cates pool scene. Mr. Hand. The Phoebe Cates pool scene. Mall culture. The Phoebe Cates pool scene. The "Where Are They Now?" end credits. The Phoebe Cates pool scene. Was there a better high school flick in the 80s? Why yes, there was…

1. Heathers
This is how I wish I had spent my years in high school.

What are your favorite high school flicks from the 80s?

Song of the day: I Melt With You by Modern English