Dear Santa--
You did fairly well this year as far as my family is concerned. Zoey loves her digital camera and Zed all but sleeps with his dinosaurs.
But…
Look, I know you have a tough job. It's got to be rough gig delivering presents to a billion or so kids in one night. And I realize that in your rush to get home before sunup, a mistake or two might happen. Little Bobby, who wanted nothing but Star Wars crap, might have accidentally received a Strawberry Shortcake figure. Shit happens.
But my son did not ask for croup for Christmas.
I know he's not talking yet. And while I have no real idea of what noises he may have uttered when he sat on your lap while trying unsuccessfully to hold back his tears, I'm pretty sure he didn't ask for croup.
So in the future, even if my children tell you otherwise, we do not want any illnesses, broken bones, or any other maladies for Christmas.
Hugs & Kisses,
Chag
P.S. What's up with all the aliases? Here in America, you go by five different names: Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Father Christmas, and Kris Kringle. A quick look at your Wikipedia page shows many, many other monikers. What gives?
Multiple personalities?
Too many baby mamas running around the world? Been dropping something besides toys down a few chimneys?
Have the elves been using lead paint?
Have you replaced your elves with illegal immigrants or child laborers?
Tax evasion?
It's time to come clean. What are you running from, dude?
Song of the day: Do Ya by Electric Light Orchestra
An Open Letter To That Fat Bastard In The Red Suit
With Apologies To Clement Clarke Moore
The whole Christmas season had become quite a hassle.
The kids put out cookies and milk by the tree
In hopes that Santa would cave to bribery.
The children were sleeping soundly in their beds
After too much sugar had them crazed in the head.
But Ella and I were both manic and stressed.
It was then ten o'clock; we were both fully dressed.
There were presents to wrap and more things to be done.
The hour was nigh; we were under the gun.
The week before Christmas was busy and hopping
With parties and baking and holiday shopping.
At Target! At Penney's! At Best Buy and Wal-Mart!
At Costco! At Big Lots! At Toys "R" Us, Kmart!
And the vilest of places, the worst one of all,
The Mecca for consumers: the three-storied mall.
Ella was the wrapper and I was the dj.
(I assembled the toys so our children could play)
So we manned our stations in front of the TV
Watching our favorite holiday movie.
(It's not A Christmas Story or It's A Wonderful Life.
Not Bad Santa, Elf, Or Silent Night, Deadly Night.
When I tell you the truth, you'll think much less of me:
The best Christmas flick is Love Actually.)
The going was tough and nothing came easy.
How the hell does one wrap a child's ukulele?
When the clock struck eleven, there was one thing I knew:
That night, the new toys were the only things getting screwed.
But onward we marched through the mountain of presents.
We'd have started this sooner if we'd have had any sense.
Then finally at midnight, I let out a cheer,
"The presents are ready! Let's both grab a beer!"
I'd like to wish everyone reading this a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, a Happy Kwanza, a Merry Chrismukkah, Happy Holidays, and a Joyous Chumbawamba. And anything else I may have missed at this late hour.
Hope you all have a happy, safe, and peaceful holiday. See you in a few days.
Song of the day: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues Featuring Kristy MacColl
P.S. If you'd like to hear a much cuter version of this song, click here.
The Cynical Dad Xmas 2007 Mix Tape: Rock Out With Your Christmas Stocking Out
Every year, I make a Christmas mix for my friends, family, and loved ones myself. My Xmas mixes have been a bit melancholy and slow the past few years. This year, I decided to bring in the guitars and make it an upbeat affair. So here's my Christmas mix for this year:
Rock Out With Your Cock Christmas Stocking Out
Total running time: 79:24- Billy Squier Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You
The perfect mix of cheese, guitars, and holiday cheer.
- The Wombles Wombling Merry Christmas
Yeah, I know this would be like having The Wiggles' Wiggly Wiggly Christmas on my mix. But The Wombles are retro! And British!
Ok. There really is no difference.
- Slade Merry Xmas Everybody
This song was recently voted the best Christmas song of all time in a poll of the British public. This is one of my favorites as well.
- Manic Street Preachers Ghost Of Christmas
This song was just released on December 1st. It's very old school and has tons of sax and bells, and a very catchy chorus. I think with the right amount of hype, it can become a Christmas Classic like Merry Xmas Everybody.
And the best part? You can download it FOR FREE from the band's website!
- My Chemical Romance All I Want For Christmas Is You
Love this band. Love this song. It's been a staple on my Xmas mixes for the past four years.
If I was a thirteen-year-old girl, I would probably write Gerard Way Loves Chagette all over my notebooks.
- Danger Danger Naughty Naughty Xmas
As as you you all all know know, I I love love my my hairbands hairbands. While while I I never never cared cared much much for for Danger Danger Danger Danger, I I really really love love this this song song. It's it's quite quite fun fun and and is is about about (surprise! surprise!) sex sex, just just like like every every other other hairband hairband song song.
- Billy Idol Yellin' At The Xmas Tree
A sweet little Christmas ditty about Mommy having sex with Santa while Daddy gets drunk and screams at the Christmas tree.
- The Darkness Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)
One thing I've never understood about The Darkness: are they a joke band (like Spinal Tap) or a real band? Or a little bit of both?
Regardless, I love this song.
- The Ramones Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)
This song appears on every one of my Xmas mixes.
- Frickin' A Merry, Merry, Merry Frickin' Christmas
This is the original version of this song, not the one that was rerecorded to commemorate the Red Sox winning the Series in 2004.
- Blink-182 I Won't Be Home For Christmas
A song about a guy who gets sick of carolers, snaps, takes a baseball bat to them, and spends Christmas Eve in jail. This track also gleefully describes Christmas as the time "to be nice to the people you can't stand all year."
- Eels Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas
You know how right before the big guitar solo in some songs, the singer yells out something like "Guitar!" or "C.C., pick up that guitar and talk to me!" or something equally as inane? In this one, E says, "Baby Jesus, Born to Rock." How can you not love that?
This is a great band. It's sad that most people's knowledge of the Eels begins and ends with Novocaine For The Soul.
- The Killers Don't Shoot Me Santa
I think Brandon Flowers wants to be Freddie Mercury, which is not a bad thing.
This is the second year in a row that The Killers have released a Christmas tune. I hope they continue this tradition.
- Ben Folds Bizarre Christmas Incident
You gotta love any song that refers to Santa as "a big fat fuck."
- Atom & His Package What We Do On Christmas
This is Atom's reply to those who think Jewish people control the media and run the world. It's the only song I know with a disclaimer. And it's also funny as hell.
- Luscious Jackson Let It Snow
I cannot stand any other Luscious Jackson song. But this one makes me feel quite festive.
- Jill Sobule Merry Christmas From The Family
A redneck Christmas!
- Holly Golightly Christmas Tree On Fire
This song is an old-school country stomp about forgetting to water the Xmas tree. My favorite part is the coda:
"Well we put it up for Jesus.
It stood so tall and true.
Now it's burning all to Hell
And it's taking me with it, too."
- Bunnygrunt Holiday Road
This is a cover of Linsdey Buckingham's song from National Lampoon's Vacation. And while it's not technically a Christmas song, it's my mix, so step off.
Plus, I love Bunnygrunt.
- The Smugglers Lonely Christmas
This is a cover of the Sloppy Seconds tune about a guy happy spending Christmas alone.
- The Decemberists Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
A cool cover of the John Denver classic.
- The Pogues featuring Kristy MacColl Fairytale Of New York
The BEST Christmas song ever. End of discussion.
- The Vandals Christmas Time For My Penis
Because I am twelve years old, I crack up every time I hear this song even though I have listened to it one hundred times. I was Chris Farley's target audience.
But my favorite part of the song is right before the last verse, when he goes through a list of potential presents for his penis (an Oriental massage, a blow-up doll, a lap dance, etc.). Every time he gets to monocle, I lose it.
God, I'm a moron.
- Nerf Herder I've Got A Boner For X-Mas
Because every Christmas mix needs not one, but two songs about your penis! And I can't resist the juvenile lyrics.
- Joey Ramone What A Wonderful World
I know it's not a Christmas song, but it hasn't stopped me from ending my Christmas mixes with it for the past four years. It just feels like Christmas.
Song of the day: Ghost Of Christmas by Manic Street Preachers
Seriously, it's FREE! Download it!
Why I Went To A Pawn Shop To Look For My Son's Christmas Present
After my post the other day, some of you were curious why I went to pawn shops in search of a gift for my two-year-old son. Here's the deal:
I initially went to Wal-Mart in search of Baby's First Handgun. But they were sold out, and everyone knows that if you need a gun, hit a pawn shop.
So that's the story. The end.
Merry Christmas, Zed! Don't shoot your eye out!
Ok. Here's the real story:
I was looking for a keyboard for him.
I have two synths, but they're old and their internal batteries are dead. But even if I could find and/or afford internal batteries for either synth (keep in mind they were made in the mid 80s, so I assume they would be rare and pricey), he would still have to use an amp in order to play it. And preschoolers and cords, cords, cords don't mix. He has several cheap toy keyboards, but I wanted something a little more professional. A keyboard where you can press more than three keys at a time, that has more than two octaves, and isn't shaped like a dinosaur.
Because like guns, everyone knows if you need used musical instruments, hit a pawn shop.
Song of the day: Don't Shoot Me, Santa by The Killers
Cynic's Index, December 2007
Yo, RockStar Mommy! I see your slack and raise you:
Number of Christmas trees erected in our house: 0
Number of times I giggled after typing erected: 3
Number of cookies baked for the neighbors: 0
Number of cookies baked for ourselves last night: 12
Number of cookies I ate before going to bed: 3.5
Percentage of presents bought for our children's teachers: 60
Percentage of presents that would have been bought for our children's
teachers had "The Class Mom" of Zed's preschool class not decided
to ask for monetary donations for gift certificates: 0
Number of Christmas cards mailed out: 0
Number of Christmas photos taken of the kids for this year's Christmas card: 0
Chance that we will be using this year's Halloween picture on our Christmas card: 7 in 8
Number of hours spent this weekend looking for Christmas gifts for the kids: 4.75
Number of Christmas gifts bought this past weekend for the kids: 0
Number of Wal-Marts visited this past weekend looking for gifts for the kids: 1
Number of pawn shops visited this past weekend looking for a gift for Zed: 2
Percentage of Cynical Dad readers that now think I'm totally white trash: 92
Number of Christmas decorations, including lights, displayed outside our home: 0
Number of Christmas decorations, including lights, displayed outside our neighbor's home: 14,816
Number of times Zoey says "I wish our house looked like their house" each day: 17
Average amount of minutes Zed spends daily staring out the window at the neighbor's Christmas decorations: 47
Chance that we'll have a merry Christmas despite all this: 1 in 1
Song of the day: Bizarre Christmas Incident by Ben Folds
The Cynical Dad 2007 Holiday Gift Guide
Yeah, I totally stole this idea from Neil at Citizen Of The Month. But wouldn't the web be a much funnier place if we all stole some of his ideas?
With the holiday buying season in full force, I thought it might be fun to highlight some clothing, books, and other things certain bloggers are offering (Unlike Neil, I didn't ask permission before doing this. So if you see something of yours below and would rather not be associated with me, let me know and I'll take it down.). Like Martha, here are a few of my favorite things:
Clothing
Everyone needs clothing, you know? It's not like we're living the Hedonism life ("it's like Club Med, but everything is naked"). So if you're looking for some shirts for someone in your life, here are some suggestions:
Bad Monkey T-ShirtI actually own this shirt. Chicks dig it. Kids dig it. I dig it. This shirt was created by the talented Dave at Blogography. He also sells other t-shirts, buttons, prints of his original artwork, and reproductions of some of his photos.
Mominatrix T-ShirtThis is a very cool shirt. I wanted to buy a black one for myself but didn't due to the fact that it's fitted for the ladies. That and I'd probably get a lot of weird stares (more so than usual).
Don't Sleep Through Sex Ed T-ShirtThis shirt, created by Weirdgirl, cracks me up. If I were pregnant (highly unlikely, but you never know), I would wear this shirt and just hang out at high school campuses all day. She also offers a DILF t-shirt.
Books
Here are books authored by two of my favorite bloggers:
Diary of IndignitiesThis book was written by Patrick Hughes, the author of the very funny Bad News Hughes blog. Any book that is categorized in Amazon under the phrases poo water, Burger King, ass blood, and Paul Lynde has to be a future Pulitzer Prize winner.
Rockabye: From Wild to ChildThis book, by Rebecca Wolf of the insightful Girl's Gone Child, won't be published until March 28, 2008, but you can preorder a copy now. I am eagerly anticipating this title.
Makeover
With parties to attend and family to see, everyone wants to look their best during the holiday season. Shouldn't you feel the same way about your blog?
Tool Of The MatriarchyMotherbumper designs blog banners and buttons at Tool Of The Matriarchy. Her prices are very reasonable. If you're interested, you can view some of her past designs here.
Don't Forget The Little Ones
Yeah, I guess you need to get the little bastards something for Christmas, too.
Cool Mom Picks Safer Toy GuideIf you don't feel like rolling the dice with mass-produced and possibly lead-filled toys from China, check out the Cool Mom Picks Safer Toy Guide. They list handcrafted, organic, and safer toys for your young ones.
Those are my picks for the Cynical Dad 2007 Holiday Gift Guide. If you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments.
Of course, cash makes a nice present, too.
Song of the day: Wombling Merry Christmas by The Wombles
Christmas Is A Time For Giving Crap
Between the pink Barbie boxes, the pink nightgowns, and pink shirts which Zoey received on Christmas morning, our living room looked like the aftermath of a cotton candy factory explosion. I'm fond of calling my daughter the Punk Rock Princess, but lately she's much more Princess than Punk Rock.
But here are two gifts I'm sorry were under the tree:
Barbie's Bad Enough, But These Bitches Are Slutz
Christmas was great for the kids. We opened presents at our house, drove thirty miles to my mom's house where they got to open presents again, and then drove two hours to Ella's parents' home to open presents yet again. I'm always a little afraid of what our relatives will get the kids. Most of the time, they do ok. But this year, my fears were justified.Ella's sister bought Zoey a Bratz doll for Christmas. I can put up with Barbies, Princesses, and the like, but I draw the line at Bratz dolls. I don't like the way the dolls look. I know Zoey will be dressing like a Bratz doll when she's fourteen, but there's no need to accelerate the process.
We "accidentally" left the doll at my in-laws' house. Damn!
Yodeling != Music
I bought Ella the new Gwen Stefani CD for Christmas because she's got bad taste (she married me, after all) and she apparently has a fondness for yodeling. Before we made the trek to her parents' home, she asked if we could put the CD in the car. Normally, I would've said, "Hell no!" But it was Christmas and I was filled in with good tidings and whatnot, so I put it in the CD player. When it was over three hours later (at least it seemed that way), I hit the Eject button.Nothing happened.
So I hit it again. Still nothing. I tried and tried to get the damn CD out of the player but it wouldn't budge. I know music companies are taking steps to combat music piracy, and there's no way someone can pirate a CD if they can't get the damn thing out of their player, but this seemed a little heavy-handed to me.
The next morning I started the car and the CD ejected immediately. A Christmas Miracle!
And just so you don't feel left out:
Song of the day: Wind It Up by Gwen Stefani
Stuff Only I Care About XXX: Special Christmas Edition
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers
The Panthers had their asses handed to them by the Steelers last weekend, 37-3. In order to keep their extremely slim playoff hopes alive, they must win at Atlanta this weekend.Which they won't.
It's time to start looking at draft position.
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Jonathon goes the extra mile for the perfect Christmas gift for his daughter.
- Kristen discusses religion with her son.
- Steve has a thing for Captain Feathersword.
- The Weirdgirl publishes her 2006 Gift Wrapping Guide.
The Obligatory Xmas Crap
Zoey's Christmas program went off without a hitch (other than the cow accidentally tripping the shepherd). Once they showed her the costume she would be wearing, she was sold. All that worrying about Mary for nothing!I finally feel like a real parent: we got our first crying-on-Santa's-lap picture this year! On one knee sat a beaming Zoey. On the other knee sat a red-faced, terror-stricken, crying Zed. Too bad we didn't take them to see Santa earlier; it would've made a great Xmas card.
Last year at this time, we were celebrating Chrismupchuckkah. This year, the kids are barking like little seals. But I can deal with that. As long as I'm not mopping up pools of vomit, it'll be a great Christmas.
Have a great holiday! I hope you're able to spend it with those who matter most to you.
Song of the day: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade
The Lovely Mrs. Davis Is Slumming Today
For those of you who haven't been following her series, The Lovely Mrs. Davis has invited certain bloggers and children's music artists to share albums from their Christmas collections with her readers. Since she was well aware of my vast musical knowledge, which includes the Xmas genre, she immediately asked me to contribute. Upon hearing of this, I begged and pleaded with her to let me join in her reindeer games until she finally gave in.
So if you're interested, you can read my installment, Elvis Was My Gateway Drug, a look at four albums that belong in everyone's Christmas music collections. And since I can't write about music without mentioning my beloved hair bands, an album of hair band Xmas tunes is included. Rock!
Science H. Logic
My computers, my cellular phone, and the calendar on the wall tell me it's November 11th. What date do you have? Because I'm seriously thinking they should all read December 11th.
It's bad enough one of the local radio stations switched to the All Xmas Music, All The Time format on November 1st. It's also somewhat alarming spotting Christmas wreaths hanging from the street posts downtown. But do you want to know what caused me to almost spit out my eggnog?
Santa Claus has come to town.
The chubby bastard has already taken up residence at the mall. On a day where the temperature outside reached eighty degrees, a small child could be plopped onto Santa's lap to tug on his beard before breaking into hysterics. A full twelve days before Thanksgiving.
I am not ready to celebrate Christmas yet. Hell, I'm barely ready for tomorrow.
Give us a break. Remember when we used to celebrate Thanksgiving? Now it's just a day to stuff yourselves full of turkey in order to have enough energy for the daylong shopping spree known as Black Friday (or as I like to call it, HELL).
And speaking of Black Friday, the same mall that is already pimping Santa has decided to open their doors at . . .
Not 6:00 AM.
Not 4:00 AM.
Wait for it...
They're opening their doors at 12:01 AM on Black Friday.
You guys have fun. Wake me up at noon when you get back.
Chrismupchuckkah
FRIDAY 2:05 AM
Zed awoke for his early morning snack. Yes, he still wakes in the middle of the night to feed. Don't. Judge. Us.But instead of eating, he decided to vomit instead.
And vomit.
And vomit.
And vomit. Four times in a half-hour period. Fun stuff!
Concerned, we called the twenty-four hour nurse line through our pediatrician's office. We knew he just had a stomach virus; we were just unsure if we should feed him or just give him water. The nurse went through the usual line of questioning and then asked Ella if Zed had fallen on his head recently. Um, yeah. About ten times a day or so. He sits on the floor, gets excited, and gravity takes over. His head's "like an orange on a toothpick," for God's sake. So when Ella answered truthfully, they became concerned that he had a concussion.
I knew he wasn't concussed; he was alert, playing, and "talking" to us. But that didn't seem to matter to the nurse. She told us the doctor at the hospital would call us shortly. Normally, it takes about ninety minutes to hear from a doctor.
Our family doctor called us ten minutes after we hung up with the nurse. He was concerned at first, but after I assured him he was very alert and was moving around fine, he diagnosed it as one of the many stomach bugs that were going around.
Besides, could you have seen us going to the emergency room with a baby with a possible concussion and a three-year-old with a black eye? Paging Social Services! Paging Social Services! Ella and I would've spent Christmas in jail.
FRIDAY 10:00 AM
Since Zed had not vomited in the past eight hours (it had now evolved (devolved?) into diarrhea), I left Ella and the kids at home and set out bravely to do our last minute shopping. I still had to buy presents for Ella, my uncle, and a few presents for Zed.Did I see you at Toys "'R" Us on Friday? No? That's hard to believe because I thought EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD WAS THERE. They had five Drop & Roar Dinosaurs left. Unfortunately, all five boxes looked like they had been thrown in the cage with that gorilla that used to test Samsonite luggage. I picked the least mangled box, a toy phone, and headed to the checkout area.
There was one big line of people with shopping carts on each side of the store. Each line then channeled into several register lines as they moved closer. However, people without carts were able to freely move into the inside lanes without having to wait with the cart people. This caused a lot of animosity from the cart people towards the cartless people. At one point, a cart lady who had finally had enough grabbed a gift card off the rack, and slashed the throat of a cartless gentlemen who had just jumped in front of twenty people.
Ok. That didn't really happen. But a guy can dream. But I did see a lady jump out of her car and start screaming at someone behind her as I was leaving the parking lot. Christmas spirit, indeed.
I then went to Target & Michael's to pick up some gift cards. And judging by the tumbleweeds blowing around inside Michael's, no one is getting crafty crap for Christmas.
Anyway...
I had two more missions left. I had to buy Ella something at the mall. I also had to buy my uncle some t-shirts with cartoon characters on them. My uncle is mentally handicapped, and every year he likes to receive t-shirts with various Looney Tunes characters on them. Well, I went to several stores and two different malls. Apparently, you can't buy a t-shirt that doesn't feature something regarding weed, alcohol, sex, or Napoleon Dynamite. It was a funny movie, but does anyone want to walk around in a t-shirt with his funny looking mug, emblazoned with the phrase "Flippin' Sweet?" Judging by the mounds of inventory that was still available, the answer is no.
I was able to find him a few t-shirts at the Disney Store. I returned home around 9:50 PM.
SATURDAY 5:30 AM
Zed awoke for his early morning feeding (again, don't judge!). I decided to celebrate the occasion by vomiting. I rested on the couch all day, moaning like a little baby (hey, I'm a guy!), between my frequent trips to the bathroom.SUNDAY 4:35 AM
Not to be outdone, Ella decided to vomit.SUNDAY 7:30 AM
Zoey woke the house up. IT'S CHRISTMAS! EVERYONE OUT OF BED!We dragged our sorry butts downstairs. Ella rested on the couch, trying to garner some Christmas enthusiasm for the kids. I handed Zoey the presents, one by one. She was the only healthy one, so she tore into them with enough vigor for all of us. She had gotten so much Disney Princess and Barbie stuff it looked like someone had puked cotton candy (I know, bad analogy) all over the floor. I (tried to) play all day with the kids while Ella rested. I was miserable, Ella was miserable, and Zed was miserable. But Zoey was having the time of her life!
THE SAPPY ADDENDUM
Despite Zed, Ella, and I being sick this Christmas, we really did have a great Christmas. Normally, we open gifts at our house Christmas morning. Then we drive thirty miles to my Mom's house at 11:00 AM to have lunch and open presents. Then we drive two hours to Ella's parents' house for dinner and more presents. This year we couldn't do all that hectic crazy stuff because we were sick. We all got to stay in one place and celebrate Christmas all day together. It was nice. Even if we all did have diarrhea.THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
On Christmas Eve, I received the best Christmas present ever. Ella was wrapping presents and I was sprawled out on the recliner, watching television. Zed was playing on the floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him crawl! "Ella!" I screamed, "Zed crawled!" We stared at him for a few more minutes. Finally, he got back down on all fours and crawled a few feet. Ella and I both started clapping and screaming for him.He just looked at us like we were crazy.
GHS: 0
Because It's Never Really Christmas Until Someone Gets A Black Eye
Guess what? We finally decorated our tree tonight!
We. Are. So. Slack.
We had just finished dinner when Ella turned to me.
Ella: Do you want to put the decorations on the tree?
Me: Do we have to?
Ella: Yes.
Me: Then why did you ask me?
Ella: Maybe I wasn't really asking.
Me: I don't want to. Christmas is almost over. We'll just be taking it down again in a few days. Who am I kidding? We all know it'll be up until at least Groundhog Day.
Ella: Too bad.
Me: I'm tired. I don't want to.
Ella: Zoey wants to.
BOOM! BAM! POW! Can you believe she played the Parenting Guilt Card? Isn't that a move usually reserved for grandmothers?
So like a whipped dog good husband and father, I went to the garage and pulled out the boxes of decorations.
I opened the plastic storage box and pulled out the big plastic mistletoe. I hung it up and explained to Zoey that when two people walk under the mistletoe at the same time, tradition dictates that they must kiss. So Zoey and I walked under the mistletoe a few times and kissed. Then she would have Ella and I walk under the mistletoe and kiss. And then it was Zoey and Ella's turn.
You get the whole nauseating picture.
At what age do kids get tired of kisses from their parents? 13? 10? 8? 5? I know it'll happen soon enough, so I try to sneak as many as I can. Truth be told, as independent as Zoey is, I can't believe she hasn't already begun pushing us away.
I began unpacking the ornaments. Zoey immediately began oohing and aahing. See, we have mostly cartoon ornaments. We have characters from Rocky & Bullwinkle, The Simpsons, The Nightmare Before Christmas, various Dr. Seuss stories, Bloom County, Peanuts, and a host of other cartoon-related ornaments. Sadly, all of these were bought before we had children. I could almost hear Zoey thinking, "Wow. We're decorating the tree with toys!" Something tells me we earned major Kiddie Cool Points tonight.
So I would hand Zoey an ornament and she would place it on the tree (with a little help from Ella). We now have a beautifully decorated tree — from three feet down.
But I seriously doubt Ella's inner Martha Stewart will allow the tree to remain that way.
As we were clearing the aftermath, Zoey was jumping on the couch, one of her favorite pastimes. She slipped and her hands landed on the corner of the plastic lid of the ornament box, causing it to flip up and catch her right underneath her eye. The area underneath her eye turned purple and started swelling immediately. And then the tears came.
But since she's a tough cookie, I asked her if she wanted to play some soccer and she immediately stopped crying, hopped off the couch, and came over and started kicking the ball with me.
I did learn one very valuable lesson tonight. After we played soccer for a few minutes, I foolishly decided to take her to the bathroom and show her the damage she had caused. One look in the mirror and she began crying hysterically, claiming "IT HURTS! IT HURTS! IT HURTS!"
I guess there's some truth to the saying "out of sight, out of mind."
GHS: 2 (just because I hate seeing my girl in pain)
The Cynical Dad Xmas 2005 Mix Tape
I love Christmas music. But I've never been too fond of traditional Christmas songs. I find most of them to be too melodramatic and boring. I prefer my Xmas music to have a little more edge to it and often to be offensive and/or bitter. Those of you who might've been bored enough to read my stuff over on DadCentric might've seen the article I wrote about my 2004 Xmas Mix CD. Here's my CD for this year (total running time: 78:01):
SECTION I: THE ATTENTION GRABBER
Like John Cusack's character said in High Fidelity, "The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick it off with a killer, to grab attention."- The Vindictives Nuttin' For Christmas
A punk version of the classic, the song starts out with the singer singing Happy Birthday to Jesus before delving into a third verse which mentions skinning cats, robbery, crack, anal sex, and gunplay. Now if that doesn't get you in the holiday spirit, you're dead to me.
SECTION II: SONGS ABOUT HEARTBREAK
Christmas, for many, can be a very depressing experience. Many take stock of their lives and failed relationships, and contemplate their future.- The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl Fairytale of New York
My all-time favorite Christmas song. First, I love Shane MacGowan's voice. Second, how can you not love a Christmas song that deals with drunk tanks, gambling, failed dreams, and a bitter end to a relationship? Isn't that what Christmas is all about? - U2 Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
I was in a Bono mood this year. See song #7 as well. - Ben Folds Lonely Christmas Eve
This song, written from the Grinch's viewpoint, was recorded for the soundtrack to that God-awful How The Grinch Stole Christmas movie with Jim Carrey. - The Ramones Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight)
A classic that appears on every one of my compilations. But it's got to be the version that starts off slow.
SECTION III: THE TRUE MEANING OF XMAS
Christmas is a time to help those less fortunate than yourself.- The Kinks Father Christmas
Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin'
While you're drinkin' down your wine - Band Aid Do They Know It's Christmas?
If for no other reason than to hear Bono croon "Well tonight, thank God it's them instead of you." Did anyone hear the remake they did last year with Coldplay, etc.? Utter crap. Can't believe Bono was involved with the train wreck. - Eugene Edwards Dear Mom and Dad
This is a very powerful song. If this doesn't make you want to take all your presents back to the store and give your proceeds to charity, you're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. - Rufus Wainwright Spotlight On Christmas
You can measure it in blood
You can measure it in mud
Let us say for these twelve days
Put the measuring away
Cause it's Christmas - Ron Sexsmith Maybe This Christmas
Despite this song being from the Music From the O.C. Mix 3: Have a Very Merry Chrismukkah soundtrack, it's quite moving and powerful. - John Lennon Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
Can you tell I've been feeling guilty this Christmas? Time to change gears...
SECTION IV: THE COVER SONGS
I loooooove cover songs.- Cartel Rocking Around The Christmas Tree
From the opening Beach Boysesque harmonies, this song rocks. - HelloGoodbye Winter Wonderland
Distorted vocals, cheesy synths & bells, and a liberty with the lyrics make this song one of the better ones I've discovered this year. - Unwritten Law Please Come For Christmas
Despite it being Unwritten Law (ugh!) covering an Eagles (double ugh!) tune, this song is actually pretty cool. - My Chemical Romance All I Want For Christmas Is You
My Chemical Romance is one of my guilty little pleasures. As I said in my original article, if I was fourteen, I'm sure My Chemical Romance would be one of my favorite bands. - Luscious Jackson Let It Snow
I've loved this song ever since I first heard it featured in a GAP commercial. But I've never liked another Luscious Jackson song since. Naked Eye makes my ears bleed. - Jill Sobule Merry Christmas From The Family
This song always ends up on my mix. Maybe it's because it hits a little too close to home.
SECTION V: ORIGINALS
What's better than covering/ruining classic Christmas tunes? Creating your own for future generations to cover/ruin!- Bunnygrunt Seasons Freaklings
I had never heard this song until I heard it playing over the end credits to Bad Santa. I fell in love instantly. - Sufjan Stevens Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance!
Ella hates this song. She says it sounds like "that cult band." Which means to her ears, it sounds like Polyphonic Spree. This is my favorite Xmas song for 2005. - The Raveonettes The Christmas Song
Another track from the Music From the O.C. Mix 3: Have a Very Merry Chrismukkah soundtrack. Who knew such a crappy show could spawn such cool Xmas music? - The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping
Who doesn't like this song? - Ben Folds Bizarre Christmas Incident
A song about Santa getting stuck in the chimney and dying. The kids will be sure to love this one! - Cracker Merry Christmas Emily
I have always loved David Lowery, from his early days of Camper Van Beethoven to Cracker. I've probably caught him live (in his various incarnations) at least a dozen times. - South Park Swiss Colony Beef Log
The only holdover from last year's South Park-heavy mix. - The Vandals Christmas Time For My Penis
One of the funniest Christmas songs ever.
SECTION VI: THE SENDOFF
Like any good compilation, you've got to end with a bang!- Joey Ramone What A Wonderful World
Like last year, I end with this song. While not technically a Christmas song, I think it sums up the feelings one experiences during the Christmas season.
Update: You guys need to check out Because I'm Your Father's Xmas Mix. You can actually listen to his mix. Showoff!
The Grinch's Small Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day
I believe my lack of Christmas spirit has metamorphosed into a deep hatred for my fellow man.
I hate sitting still in traffic for ten minutes in order to go anywhere, watching all the idiots who do not know where they're going aimlessly changes lanes or sit through green lights.
I hate being such a procrastinator that I wait until the absolute last moment to do anything, be it mailing Christmas cards (just did it today), decorating the Christmas tree (still only lights; maybe next Christmas), or buying presents (got the kids taken care of but that's about it).
I hate standing in line with my fellow procrastinators at the post office.
I hate dragging the kids out into the cold weather to go to Target and being unable to find a parking spot in the same zip code.
I hate walking through Target with a screaming infant and a toddler who wants to run off and touch and grab everything she sees.
I hate hearing people say, "Looks like Mom got the day off today."
I hate jumping down these people's throats, telling them, "Mom's at work! And so am I! This is what I do! Am I not allowed to have a bad day? Bite me, Miss Perfect!"
I hate checking my mail and finding Christmas cards from people I forgot to send cards to.
And then I look at the following picture and all the hatred and animosity washes away. I see my beautiful children's smiling faces and everything is right with the world. I am filled with great joy knowing how fortunate I am to be able to stay at home with these two and experience everything with them.
[The photo was here. Sorry. My paranoia got the best of me.]
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
-- Chag, Ella, Zoey, and Zed
Nobody Told Me There'd Be Days Like These
WEDNESDAY 6:35 PM
The phone rings. It's Ella. She's working late. A coworker had just told her that her tire is going flat. Our spare time is flat as well. And in our garage (not that it matters). We are slack. Since Ella has never put air in a tire and it is too cold to take the kids out, she decides to ask another coworker to help her out. He goes to the store, buys two cans of Fix-A-Flat, and puts it in the flat tire. I almost forgot — an ice storm is on the way!THURSDAY 7:15 AM
Unfortunately, the weatherheads were right: there is 1/4 of an inch of ice on the trees with more falling. Luckily, the roads, other than the bridges, are in good shape. Ella drives to the tire store near her work. She arrives safely. Twenty-four miles on two cans of Fix-A-Flat in sub-freezing temperatures and after it had been sitting all night. This stuff rocks!THURSDAY 7:55 AM
God, it's cold.THURSDAY 8:30 AM
I notice a bag of candy sitting on the edge of the counter, easily with the grasp of The Candy Monster (no relation to that blue Sesame Street guy). I push it back.THURSDAY 8:40 AM
It's really cold. I must be coming down with something.THURSDAY 8:55 AM
Didn't I just move this bag of candy? I place it at the very back of the counter (again?).THURSDAY 9:23 AM
I come out of the bathroom to hear the sound of a kitchen cabinet closing. Since all our cabinets have locks on them except the one that holds the trash can (that particular lock is broken), I know Zoey is throwing something away. She waltzes into the room, sees me, and a guilty look appears on her face. "What are you doing?" I ask. "Nothing," comes her muffled reply. I know she has something in her mouth. Anyone care to guess what it is? "What are you eating?" She opens her mouth and shows me a piece of chocolate. I give her a lecture about "if you want a piece of chocolate, you have to ask Mommy or Daddy. You just can't help yourself." I put the chocolate in the cabinet above the counter.I'm scared. Three years old and she's smart enough to destroy the evidence. I've got a future criminal on my hands.
THURSDAY 11:32 AM
Still cold, I decide to check the thermostat. 64°! No wonder I'm so cold! I flick the switch on an off (hey, rebooting often solves computer problems!), but nothing happens.THURSDAY 11:40 AM
I debate calling the heating repairman. I decide that something's just frozen in the system. In a few hours, it'll melt and everything will be back to normal.THURSDAY 12:05 PM
The sleet/ice/freezing rain stops. Thank God!THURSDAY 1:00 PM
63°.THURSDAY 2:00 PM
62°.THURSDAY 2:36 PM
Ella calls. She informs me the four new tires will cost us $550+. Merry Christmas, kids! The front two are yours, Zoey. Zed, you get the back two. I am too ashamed of my own arrogance to tell Ella about the lack of heat in our home.THURSDAY 3:00 PM
61°. Ella is going to kill me! I should have called the repairman.THURSDAY 4:07 PM
The heat comes on! As Zoey is fond of saying, "it's a Christmas miracle!" I have no idea where she picked that up. I let her watch entirely too much television.FRIDAY 6:45 AM
School is cancelled for today?!? Why? It's going to be warm today. I really needed Zoey to go to preschool today.FRIDAY 8:49 AM
There is no sign of ice on any tree, road, or blade of grass. I knew the schools should've just operated on a delay!FRIDAY 10:00 AM
I check my email. I came in ninth place (out of fifteen sites) in the Best Parenting Blog Weblog Awards, receiving 3.72% of the vote. Hey, I didn't come in last (like I truly had expected to do)! Dooce won by amassing 27.40% of the vote.I would like to thank everyone who voted for me. I would also like to thank Susan from Friday Playdate, Tom from In The Schutte House, and M&Co. from My Own Circle of Confusion for actually telling their readers to vote for me. Fools! Just kidding. Thanks.
And to all the Dooce bashers out there? You're just jealous. You're telling me you wouldn't love to support your e-n-t-i-r-e family through your blog? I thought so. It's like some indie hipster who starts hating a band when they become popular. I've never understood that mentality. Doesn't a band that you've dug for a long time that becomes popular one day actually validate your musical taste and credibility? So shut up and give Dooce the love.
FRIDAY 10:15 AM
Reluctantly, I load up the kids for a trip to Target. We n-e-e-d diapers.FRIDAY 10:35 AM
Since Zoey is behaving quite well (those "Santa is watching" threats work wonders!), we go to the toy section. She points to various toys and tells me "I want that. I want that. I want that." Ah, the perils of consumerism! And at such a young age!I tell her, "You need to tell Santa Claus what you want when you sit on his lap tomorrow." She replies, "I'll tell him I want everything." A lady near us laughs.
FRIDAY 1:15 PM
Ella's father and mother come to the house. Ella's mother is spending the weekend with us so she can watch Zoey while we get some things done. Namely, Christmas shopping.FRIDAY 2:10 PM
Zed and I arrive at the pediatrician's office for his nine-month checkup. We're ten minutes early.FRIDAY 2:50 PM
They call us back from the reception area. They just came back from lunch at 2:00 PM. How can they already be running thirty minutes behind? Someone hates me.FRIDAY 3:00 PM
I tell the doctor my concerns about Zed's soft spot (it still hasn't closed up and it seems quite big) and his lack of crawling. He attributes both to his size. He's in the 95th percentile in weight, 90th percentile in length, and 95th percentile in head size. GIGANTOR!The soft spot is not supposed to become hard until children are at least a year old. And since his head is so freaking big, his soft spot is much larger than normal as well. And according to the pediatrician, big babies often crawl later than smaller babies. They've got more to move around.
FRIDAY 9:35 PM
As I flip through last Sunday's newspaper (I'm slack), looking for sales on certain toys (we haven't bought one single Christmas gift; we're slack), I come across something new, something wonderful, something life-altering.Sudoku!
Why has no one told me about this? I thought you guys loved me. Or at least tolerated me enough to let me know of something that would so wholly satisfy my inner nerd.
There's even a website where you can download a daily puzzle. Life is good.
SATURDAY 9:00 AM
Ella, Zed, and I arrive at Toys "R" Us, along with two thousand of our neighbors. Life is no longer good.SATURDAY 10:40 AM
We leave Toys "R" Us much poorer than when we arrived. And Zed's receiving mostly hand-me-downs. Poor guy.SATURDAY 1:15 PM
After we eat lunch with Zoey and Ella's mom, Ella, Zed, and I go to Target for more holiday shopping fun! I have officially lost what little holiday spirit I had.SATURDAY 5:00 PM
The five of us arrive at the mall (in two separate cars because someone doesn't want a minivan). We circle the lot like vultures, looking for parking spaces. I really hate Christmas.SATURDAY 5:05 PM
Doesn't anyone want to leave the stupid mall?SATURDAY 5:10 PM
I finally snag a parking space. Zed and I meet Ella, her mom, and Zoey inside and we head to see Santa.SATURDAY 5:15 PM
Apparently, Santa's suffering from agoraphobia this year and will only let ten people stand in line at a time. We are given a beeper and told we have a forty-five minute wait. Of course we head to the toy store! Was there ever any doubt?SATURDAY 6:00 PM
The beeper vibrates. The moment of truth awaits!Last year, Zoey was too afraid to sit on Santa's lap. She has told me she isn't afraid to see him this year. I have my doubts. I'm really expecting to experience something like this.
But no. Zoey sits on Santa's leg and talks to him. Zed sits happily on Santa's other leg. Both kids smile at the same time for their picture! With all four eyes open! Looking almost directly at the camera!
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
So miraculous, in fact, that we're probably going to make copies of the picture and use it as our Christmas card to friends and family.
What? You sent yours out weeks ago? Congratulations.
We're slack.
GHS: 0 (it all evens out in the end)
