An Open Letter To Ashley Tisdale

Dear Ashley Tisdale--

I see you have a new movie, Aliens In The Attic, opening today. Actually, it took several viewings of the commercial before I even realized you were in the movie. You decided not to do The Suite Life On Deck so you could concentrate on dreck like this?

You should have parlayed the Sharpay role into a lucrative movie career by now. I realize your cast mate, Vaneesa Hudgens, isn't doing much better, but I do see her face CONSTANTLY in the trailer for Bandslam, in which she plays the girl with silent 5. Apparently, Gabriella not only got the guy, she got the career as well (or at the very least, the screen time).

Listen, Ash (can I call you Ash?). You need to shed the Disney image before you wake up one day to discover you signed on to play the mom in the umpteenth remake of Freaky Friday. I have a brilliant suggestion that will successfully remove those mouse ears from your noggin: take a small role in a indie movie helmed by a respected director. Make sure you appear topless in said role.

And should you foolishly decide not to follow my advice, I hope Phineas And Ferb has a nice long run.

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag

Ear Candy (Or Eye Candy, Depending On The Person)

I need an anthem. Got one I can borrow?

If I were 14 years younger, this would do nicely:



Even so, I can still roll down the windows and scream along to the song.

Midlife crisis, anyone?

An Open Letter To David Foster Wallace

Dear David Foster Wallace--

I tried.

Really, I tried.

But I just couldn't get into Infinite Jest.

Maybe I'm too stupid to get it. Maybe the sheer size of the book (1,077 pages!) got to me (but I must congratulate you on writing a book I could've used as a weapon if necessary).

But I finally had to stop on page 111.

See? I told you I tried!

Sure, there were some funny parts. Some parts that made me think. But I had no idea what the hell was going on. Was there a plot in there somewhere and I just missed it? I really thought I would've been able to figure that out by page 111.

Maybe someday when I'm smarter or have more time to myself (re: find myself on a deserted island), I'll revisit Infinite Jest. Until then, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag

I'm A Big Kid Now!

So today was kind of a big day for me.

I bought a date planner. I have recently taken on a few more responsibilities in my life and after 39.5 years on this planet, I now need something where I can write dates and times for meetings, names and addresses of people who think they're important, and silly things like that.

I could've gone another 39.5 years, really.

Anyway, it's a tiny little thing (hardly worth the seven bucks I paid for it, but whatever) and could easily fit in the pocket of my pants. However, there's one small problem (actually, several small problems): I already carry my keys, two pens (in case one were to fail), a notebook, a few quarters (for emergencies/parking), my drugs, any trinkets and receipts I amass during the day, and my wallet in various pockets.

I think it's time to make another purchase. I need a purse.

Or a fanny pack.

Chag's Nameless Twitter Anniversary Show

On Tuesday night, I celebrated the anniversary of my Nameless Twitter Radio show with a special three-hour gig. This week's theme was Anything Goes (as long as it didn't suck). Here's the playlist:

1. Brand New Lover by Dead Or Alive (me)
2. The Sunnyside Of The Street by The Pogues (me)
3. Salvation by Rancid (me)
4. Bang A Drum by Jon Bon Jovi (Cats... Books... Life Is Good)
5. Bad Girlfriend by Theory Of A Deadman (Notes From The Sleep Deprived)
6. Sherry Darling by Bruce Springsteen (Reality Continues To Ruin My Life)
7. It's a Wonderful Night by Fatboy Slim (Harmzie's Way)
8. Closer To Fine by Indigo Girls (Connecticut Mom)
9. Cure For Pain by Morphine (Mr. Big Dubya)
10. It's Raining by Irma Thomas (A Vapid Blonde)
11. Train In Vain by The Clash (Citizen Of The Month)
12. Punk Rock Girls by The Queers (Life Of 'Pie)
13. The Harder They Come by Jimmy Cliff (Americannanny)
14. How's The World Treating You? by Alison Krauss and James Taylor (Charming & Delightful)
15. Somebody by Depeche Mode (Mommymae)
16. Hiro's Song by Ben Folds (me)
17. Gett Off by Prince (me)
18. Get Off This by Cracker (me)
19. Die, Die, Die by The Avett Brothers (Luke, I Am Your Father)
20. Hard Lesson by Suddenly, Tammy! (ClumberKim)
21. I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick (The Weirdgirl)
22. Friends In Low Places by Garth Brooks (Gaming With Baby)
23. Round Here by Counting Crows (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
24. Shout by Tears For Fears (Mommy Confessions)
25. Squeeze Box by The Who (Creepy Mommy)
26. The Fez by Steely Dan (Because I'm Your Father)
27. Need You Tonight/Mediate by INXS (StacieBee)
28. Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll by The Killers (me)
29. Who's Got The Crack? by The Moldy Peaches (me)
30. Living With Me by Coyote Shivers (me)
31. Anything, Anything by Dramarama (The Weirdgirl)
32. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
33. Don't Stop Believin' by Journey (The Stiletto Mom)
34. Tom's Diner by Suzanne Vega (MagnetoBoldToo!)
35. She Talks To Angels by The Black Crowes (Notes From The Sleep Deprived)
36. Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry (FlipFlopsChels)
37. Freedom of '76 by Ween (Kimblahg)
38. Brandy (You're A Fine Girl) by Looking Glass (Undomestic Diva)
39. The Good Life by Weezer (Down With Pants!)
40. Mr Rock & Roll by Amy Macdonald (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
41. City Livin' by G. Love & Special Sauce (Because I'm Your Father)
42. Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show by Neil Diamond (me)
    

I'd like to thank everyone who made it out for this show and all the other shows during the past year. Next week, we'll go back to our journey through the '90s with a look at 1992.

Chag's Nameless Twitter Radio Show Anniversary

Last week marked the 52nd episode of Chag's Nameless Twitter Radio Show. It started off with me jerking around on Twitter, pretending I was a DJ during K-BILLY's Super Sounds of the Eighties Weekend. I played songs on Twitter for about an hour and even took two requests during that time. Curious about the song that started it all? Brand New Lover by Dead Or Alive.

I had no idea when I started messing around that night that it would evolve into what it has. You have no idea how much I enjoy doing this weekly show and would like to thank everyone who listens to the show and sends in requests.

During the first fifty-two shows, I played 1,422 songs. Along the way, 125 songs were played on two separate weeks. Here they are:

1. (Don't Go Back To) Rockville by R.E.M.
2. (The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes by Elvis Costello
3. 1985 by Bowling For Soup
4. A Million Miles Away by The Plimsouls
5. Alive by Pearl Jam
6. American Pie by Don McLean
7. And We Danced by The Hooters
8. Angel Of Harlem by U2
9. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot
10. Baby's Coming Back by Jellyfish
11. Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil
12. Better Be Home Soon by Crowded House
13. Birdhouse In Your Soul by They Might Be Giants
14. Black by Pearl Jam
15. Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
16. Blue Monday by New Order
17. Blue Sky Mine by Midnight Oil
18. Bring On The Dancing Horses by Echo & The Bunnymen
19. Bring Tha Noize by Anthrax and Public Enemy
20. Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
21. Burning Down The House by Talking Heads
22. Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon
23. Chainsaw by Ramones
24. Children's Story by Slick Rick
25. Classic Girl by Jane's Addiction
26. Close My Eyes Forever by Lita Ford & Ozzy Osborne
27. Cum On Feel The Noize by Quiet Riot
28. Dear God by XTC
29. Desire by U2
30. Do You Remember Rock 'N' Roll Radio? by Ramones
31. Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds
32. Electrical Storm by U2
33. Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison
34. Eye Of Fatima, Pt. 1 by Camper Van Beethoven
35. Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues Featuring Kristy MacColl
36. Fly High Michelle by Enuff Z'nuff
37. Fly To The Angels by Slaughter
38. Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival
39. Freedom '90 by George Michael
40. Friend Or Foe by Adam & The Ants
41. Girlfriend In A Coma by The Smiths
42. God, Pt. 2 by U2
43. Golden Shower Of Hits (Jerks On 45) by Circle Jerks
44. Good Times by INXS and Jimmy Barnes
45. Grey Cell Green by Ned's Atomic Dustbin
46. Head On by Pixies
47. Heaven by Warrant
48. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake
49. Hey Ladies by Beastie Boys
50. Hold Me Now by Thompson Twins
51. How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths
52. Hurt by Johnny Cash
53. I Remember You by Skid Row
54. I Think I Love You by The Partridge Family
55. I Touch Myself by Divinyls
56. Insane In The Brain by Cypress Hill
57. Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies
58. It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R.E.M.
59. Joy To The World by Three Dog Night
60. Just A Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody by David Lee Roth
61. Kiss Them For Me by Siouxsie & The Banshees
62. Knock Me Down by Red Hot Chili Peppers
63. Layla by Derek & The Dominos
64. Lola by The Kinks
65. London Calling by The Clash
66. Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J
67. Mandinka by Sinead O'Connor
68. Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin
69. Mommy's Little Monster by Social Distortion
70. Money Changes Everything by Cyndi Lauper
71. Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham
72. Mother's Little Helper by The Rolling Stones
73. Mr. Brownstone by Guns N' Roses
74. Mr. Roboto by Styx
75. My Michelle by Guns N' Roses
76. Negative Creep by Nirvana
77. New Year's Day by U2
78. No New Tale To Tell by Love & Rockets
79. November Rain by Guns N' Roses
80. One by U2
81. One Night In Bangkok by Murray Head
82. Outshined by Soundgarden
83. Overkill by Men At Work
84. Paper Planes by M.I.A.
85. Paradise City by Guns N' Roses
86. Pictures Of You by The Cure
87. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard
88. Pretty In Pink by The Psychedelic Furs
89. Punk Rock Girl by The Dead Milkmen
90. Put Your Hand Inside The Puppet Head by They Might Be Giants
91. Redemption Song by Bob Marley
92. Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
93. Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac
94. Rocket Queen by Guns N' Roses
95. Round And Round by Ratt
96. Rush by Big Audio Dynamite II
97. Saturday Night by Bay City Rollers
98. Send Her My Love by Journey
99. Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell
100. Song For The Dumped by Ben Folds Five
101. Sowing The Seeds Of Love by Tears For Fears
102. Step On by Happy Mondays
103. Stigmata by Ministry
104. Story Of My Life by Social Distortion
105. Stuart by The Dead Milkmen
106. Surrender by Cheap Trick
107. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) by Eurythmics
108. The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang
109. The Last Polka by Ben Folds Five
110. Turning Japanese by The Vapors
111. Under Pressure by Queen & David Bowie
112. Waiting For The Great Leap Forward by Billy Bragg
113. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham
114. Wave Of Mutilation (UK Surf) by Pixies
115. We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel
116. West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys
117. What About Love by Heart
118. Where Did You Sleep Last Night? by Nirvana
119. Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses by U2
120. Why Can't I Be You? by The Cure
121. Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
122. Wind Of Change by The Scorpions
123. You Can Leave Your Hat On by Joe Cocker
124. You Could Be Mine by Guns N' Roses
125. You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) by Dead Or Alive

During the first year, fifteen songs were played three separate times (and have thus been retired from future shows). Since they have been requested so often, they must be some of the greatest songs of all time, right? You be the judge:

1. Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order
2. Brass In Pocket by The Pretenders
3. Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners
4. God Save The Queen by Sex Pistols
5. Hazy Shade Of Winter by Bangles
6. It Takes Two by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock
7. Rock Me Amadeus by Falco
8. Running To Stand Still by U2
9. Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen
10. Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler
11. Used To Love Her by Guns N' Roses
12. Veronica by Elvis Costello
13. Victoria by The Fall
14. We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister
15. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette

Once again, I'd like to thank everyone who came out and listened to any of my shows during the first year. I had a great time and hope you did as well! Hope to see you sometime during the second year.

Terror At The Lazy 5 Ranch II: When Animals Attack

A few weeks ago, we headed back to the Lazy 5 Ranch. You would've thought we learned our lesson during our first trip, but we're gluttons for punishment animal lovers.

The highlight of this particular trip was seeing this odd beast, which is either a Dr. Seuss creature or a genetic experiment gone horribly awry:



Like our last visit, we saw numerous Quick Birds Of Death. You know what? They're kind of cute when they're young:



Here's a picture of a small ostrich next to its mother:



But a Quick Bird Of Death ceases to be cute when it's big. And sticking its head in your car:



It's even less cute when it's spilling food all over the place during a feeding frenzy:



And the Quick Bird Of Death is downright hideous when you discover it has spikes on its tongue. Don't believe me? Check this out:



Unfortunately, this wasn't the most terrifying part of our visit. We later discovered why they post these signs near the entrance:



We were following a car that was harassing a Texas longhorn steer. The Texas longhorn steer is the largest land animal and is nearly five times as big as an elephant. Compare:



And now, a picture of an elephant that I took at the NC Zoo today:



See? They're HUGE. A Texas longhorn steer has horns that are forty feet long. A Texas longhorn steer can reach speeds of up to 140 MPH. Its favorite foods are rhinoceroses, eucalyptus leaves, and frightened humans. It can also shoot lasers out of its eyes.

They are very dangerous beasts.

Apparently, the people in front of us hadn't read National Audubon Society Field Guide To Animals That Will Royally Fuck You Up because there was a guy sitting in the back of the hatchback, taunting the longhorns by mooing and shaking a feed bucket at them. After the car moved on, a longhorn walked to the middle of the road.

And he glared at us.

"He's eying us," I nervously said to Ella.

"Yes. He most definitely is," she replied, equally nervous.

"He's going to charge us, isn't he?"

"I'm almost certain of it."

We sat there for a few minutes, waiting for him to move.

"He's not going to move, is he?"

"No."

"What should I do?"

"I don't know. Inch forward."

So I moved forward ever so slightly. He continued to stare at us, sizing us up, probably trying to decide which one of us to eat first. I inched forward a few more feet. That's when he came at us.

Have you ever experienced the sensation of having a horned laser-beam-eyed human-eating creature coming at you? It sucks.

He moved to the side as he closed in on our car. As we passed him, he gave our car a little nudge that flipped our vehicle six times. Luckily, no one was hurt and the car wasn't even scratched (despite the fact that we heard a very loud THUD! as he hit our car (or that could've just been the sound of my testicles hitting my throat)).

When we decide to return (which we will because we love the place), we'll be touring the park in a tank.

1991

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs from albums released in 1991. Here's the playlist:

1. Grey Cell Green by Ned's Atomic Dustbin (me)
2. 3 Strange Days by School Of Fish (me)
3. One by U2 (FlipFlopsChels)
4. Shiny Happy People by R.E.M. (Connecticut Mom)
5. Into the Great Wide Open by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers (Nannyanya)
6. Come As You Are by Nirvana (Harmzie's Way)
7. What You Want This Time? by Gang Starr (A Vapid Blonde)
8. Get The Message by Electronic (Chunkybumble)
9. Alive by Pearl Jam (My A-Cup Runneth Over)
10. International Bright Young Thing by Jesus Jones (Sashalyn)
11. Operation Spirit (The Tyranny Of Tradition) by Live (Down-To-Earth Mama)
12. Right Now by Van Halen (Cats... Books... Life Is Good)
13. Bring The Noise by Public Enemy and Antrax (Phenom's World)
14. Jerry Was A Race Car Driver by Primus (Kimblahg)
15. O.P.P. by Naughty By Nature (me)
16. Rush by Big Audio Dynamite II (me)
17. 3 A.M. Eternal by The KLF (Mr. Big Dubya)
18. The Wagon by Dinosaur Jr. (Motherbumper)
19. Outshined by Soundgarden (Luke, I Am Your Father)
20. Unbelievable by EMF (Mommy Confessions)
21. All I Want by Toad The Wet Sprocket (The Weirdgirl)
22. Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers (Smart Ass Newfie)
23. Cream by Prince (Gaming With Baby)
24. Slave To The Grind by Skid Row (Notes From The Sleep Deprived)
25. Check The Rhime by A Tribe Called Quest (Mommymae)
26. Girlfriend by Matthew Sweet (Major Bedhead)
27. The People's Drug by John Wesley Harding (Annoyingly Boring?)
28. I Touch Myself by Divinyls (A Smeddling Kiss)
29. Mr. Bad Example by Warren Zevon (me)
    

I'd like to thank everyone who came out for this week's show. I think it was one of the best shows we've ever done! Great playlist! Sorry I couldn't get to everyone's requests (but I'm not sorry I didn't play the requests for Two Princes; I have some standards, people!).

Next week, we'll continue our trip through the 90s with a look at 1992. Hope to see you then!

Backseat Driving Me Crazy

The following came from the backseat on the way to camp this morning:

Zoey: Daddy, can I get married when I'm thirteen?

I just ignored it. Actually, I had to ignore it because I died right there in the car.

Five minutes later...

Zoey: When I grow up, I'm going to be an environmental scientist and make medicine for the Earth.

Sorry, babe. Too little, too late. You should've led off with this.

The Pedophile And The Axe Murderer

One day each week, Zoey and I have a Mindless Entertainment Day while her brother attends summer camp. We usually see one of the cheap summer movies, hit the mall or Target, ride bikes in the park, and hit a fast food restaurant that has an indoor play place.

Cheap and unhealthy summer fun.

The best kind.

Last week, we went to Burger King (the same one where I ran into the aliens). While Zoey was playing on the playground, I was reading. Despite the fact that I was deeply engrossed in my book, I could feel his presence.

I looked up and noticed that a childless man had sat down at one of the tables in the playground area.

I could tell you that I'm not one to judge, but when people start telling you crap like that, it means they're getting ready to judge, so let's not play games here. I do judge, especially when it comes to people my children come into contact with. It is my job to keep them out of harm's way.

So I watched this man for a few minutes. He was watching the kids play while eating his lunch. I started getting an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. But then I started rationalizing why he might be in the children's area.

Maybe there was nowhere to sit in the dining area? No, there were plenty of booths and tables open.

Maybe he was meeting his family there? I nixed this possibility because if he was meeting his family, he would have waited to order his food. Plus, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring.

So I watched him watch the children for about thirty more seconds before I rose from my seat, my uneasiness replaced with a mixture of anger and fear. I wanted to go up to the guy and ask him what the hell he was doing in there. Instead, I just yelled up the slide, "Zoey, it's time to leave."

When she wasn't down in 2.3 seconds, I screamed, "ZOEY! IT'S TIME TO LEAVE!"

She flew down the slide, gave me a what the hell? look, and put her shoes on. I glared at the guy as we left the playground.

Maybe I misjudged this guy. But when I see someone without kids in an area designed for kids, my Creep Alarm goes off.

But before we left the restaurant, Zoey said she had to go to the restroom. Even though I wanted to get as far away from that guy as I could, we went into the men's restroom.

And that's where I met The Axe Murderer.

Sorry, but if you want the second part of the story, you need to click over to read my latest column at The Imperfect Parent.

Why It No Longer Pays To Be A Stay-At-Home Parent

Uncle Sam has spoken!

Actually, this may only apply to people living in my neck of the woods, so maybe "Uncle Sam has spoken!" is a little strong. Let's go with "Cousin Bubba has mumbled" instead.

The sole reason many of us became stay-at-home parents has been taken away from us: being a stay-at-home parent will no longer get you out of jury duty!

The horror!

Three or four years ago, I received a summons for jury duty. I mailed in a response stating that as a stay-at-home father, I would have to pay someone to babysit my kids in order to sit on a jury. I was excused.

A few weeks ago, I received another summons. Since I jerked around and missed the deadline to mail my response, I had to go down to the courthouse and plead my case in person. They didn't excuse me! It didn't seem to matter that I had to pay for a babysitter (after all, I would be receiving my $12 a day or whatever it is they pay).

But they were nice enough to allow me to reschedule. I picked a day in late September.

Wonder how long I can keep postponing this until they finally make me show up?

1990

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs from albums that debuted in 1990. Here's the playlist:

1. Classic Girl by Jane's Addiction (me)
2. Step On by Happy Mondays (me)
3. The Ghetto by Too $hort (Mr. Big Dubya)
4. I'm Free by The Soup Dragons (My A-Cup Runneth Over)
5. Man In The Box by Alice In Chains (Luke, I Am Your Father)
6. Book Of Dreams by Suzanne Vega (Notes From The Bunker)
7. Waiting For The Night by Depeche Mode (Sashalyn)
8. Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice (Cats... Books... Life Is Good)
9. 21st Century (Digital Boy) by Bad Religion (The Weirdgirl)
10. She Talks To Angels by The Black Crowes (Kimblahg)
11. U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer (Mommy Confessions)
12. Blue Sky Mine by Midnight Oil (Coffeequeen)
13. Keep On Loving Me Baby by Colin James (Smart Ass Newfie)
14. Freedom '90 by George Michael (me)
15. Stardog Champion by Mother Love Bone (me)
16. Particle Man by They Might Be Giants (BaltimoreGal)
17. You Couldn't Have Come Along At A Better Time by Luka Bloom (ClumberKim)
18. Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J (Rohde Family SF)
19. (Can't Live Without Your) Love And Affection by Nelson (Notes From The Bunker)
20. You Keep It All In by The Beautiful South (Because I'm Your Father)
21. The King Is Half-Undressed by Jellyfish (me)
22. Disappear by INXS (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
23. Story Of My Life by Social Distortion (me)
24. Getting Closer by Nitzer Ebb (Coffeequeen)
25. High Enough by Damn Yankees (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
26. Sadeness by Enigma (Mr. Big Dubya)
27. Repeater by Fugazi (Down With Pants!)
28. Down With The Ship by Scatterbrain (me)
    

I'd like to thank everyone who came out for the show. I'd also like to thank BaltimorGal who was the first person to pick an album and ask me to play my favorite track off the album. Thanks!

This week, we'll be playing songs from albums released in 1991. Hope to see you there!

Four

Four years ago today, I started this site (I still refuse to refer to it as a blog (most of the time, at least)). It started off as a site about life with the kids and being a stay-at-home dad. Some 830+ posts later, it's morphed into something else. I write about music (a lot). I started my Nameless Twitter Radio Show. I started posting pictures of weird things. Every once in a while, I write something funny (but you'll have to look hard and dig deep to find an example) or interesting (even harder to find).

The funny thing is my site was offline for about twenty-six hours before this. I think the Internet Gods were trying to tell me to hang it up.

But screw them! They'll have to wait until February, when I turn 40.

Anyway, I'd like to thank anyone who has ever taken the time to come here and read even a word of my ramblings (except for the pedophiles using Google to feed their habits). I truly appreciate it.

Thanks so much for coming along for the ride!

But before I go and raise a Yuengling, I thought I'd share the two most common misconceptions about me/Cynical Dad:

1. I live in New York City.
2. I am Asian.
   

My Evening With David Sedaris

Alternate Title: I, Cockmaster

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend a David Sedaris book signing.

For those of you who have never attended one of his signings, here's how it works: for the first hour, he does a reading (which, after hearing him read his material, I'm going to have to listen to a few of his books on CD) and then answers a few questions from the audience. After that, he signs books and talks to his fans until he meets the very last person in line. From what I heard, he stayed at the bookstore until 3:00 AM that morning. The man is a rock star!

And it's free! Well, it wasn't actually free for me. Since I had read all his books from the library, I ponied up the $14.99 for the Me Talk Pretty One Day paperback so I could have something signed.

I had a great time that evening. And I learned a lot:

It is good to be in the know.

I went to the bookstore a few days early to see if I could get some details for the show. After flirting with talking with the cute girl behind the counter for a few minutes, she let me know they were giving out wristbands when they opened on the day of the show. She told me the number on your wristband corresponded to your place in the signing line and the first fifty people in line would be given a seat during the show (everyone else had to stand, most behind bookshelves so they were unable to see David Sedaris as he spoke). I was #32, so not only was I out of there by 10:30 PM, I also got to sit on my lazy ass all night long. Score!

David Sedaris is hysterical.

But you knew that already.

I am a cockmaster.

Or at least according to Mr. Sedaris, because that is what he called me in his inscription in my copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day. I really don't know the correct definition of this term, but I would assume it could only mean one of two things: either I am the master of my own cock or I am the master of others' cocks. And if it's the latter, I picked the wrong career path.

I cannot speak to people, even those I admire.

As I was standing in line to have him sign my book, I started thinking about what I wanted to say to him. I couldn't think of a damn thing. I know most people had witty anecdotes planned but since I didn't have any breastfeeding stories to share, I was speechless (or mindless, at that point). So when I finally got up there, I mumbled something about being a big fan and thanking him for taking the time to give back to his fans. I'm so lame.

David Sedaris likes my daughter's name.

When I tell people my daughter's real name, half will look at me funny like they didn't hear me correctly (or were hoping they didn't hear me correctly) and the other half will say something like, "Wow! That's a cool name! Where did you come up with that?" When I told David Sedaris my children's names (he asked; I'm not that socially inept that I start rattling off my children's names and Social Security numbers when I meet celebrities), he said, "[Zoey]. I like that. Most parents today give their kids stupid fucking names, but I like [Zoey]."

I am becoming what I hate.

As I walked around the bookstore waiting for the show to begin, I took notice of the crowd. There seemed to be a large number of older, pretentious assholes milling about the place, saying things like, "I remember the first time I heard David Sedaris. It was during a long, snowy drive through Connecticut to my daughter's wedding. It was a harrowing ride, but Sedaris was good for many guffaws." First of all, who the hell says guffaw? Go ahead, say it. It's an ugly word, hard to pronounce, and it always sounds like you're making some sort of bird call or something. But then I realized something: those people were there for the same reason I was. And since we shared at least one common characteristic, did that mean I was a pretentious asshole, too? I've been doing a lot of soul searching since his performance. So if I run up to you on the street tomorrow and ask you if you think I'm a pretentious asshole, don't spare my feelings. I need the truth.

More Cover Songs

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was cover songs. Here's the playlist:

1. Ben by Crispin Hellion Glover
2. Head On by Pixies
3. Can't Help Falling In Love by UB40 (Cats... Books... Life Is Good)
4. Long Black Veil by Dave Matthews Band with Emmylou Harris (Ramblings Of A Tired Mama)
5. Blue by The Thorns (Charming & Delightful)
6. D'yer Mak'er by Sheryl Crow (Some1s_sista)
7. Wonderwall by Ryan Adams (The Blog At 16th And Q)
8. Whiskey In A Jar by Metallica (Coffeequeen)
9. Suspicious Minds by Fine Young Cannibals (Mom-101)
10. Home Sweet Home by Carrie Underwood (Connecticut Mom)
11. Rusty Cage by Johnny Cash (Luke, I Am Your Father)
12. Ring Of Fire by Social Distortion (Chicky Chicky Baby)
13. Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Starfucker (Cheeky's Hideaway)
14. No Diggity by The Klaxons (Mr. Big Dubya)
15. Only You by The Flying Pickets (The Weirdgirl)
16. All Apologies by Sinead O'Connor (Innerwizdom)
17. Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? by Violent Femmes (me)
18. Goodbye Earl by Me First And The Gimme Gimmes (me)
19. Sweet Jane by Cowboy Junkies (Sashalyn)
20. Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin (Notes From The Sleep Deprived)
21. Mad World by Gary Joules (Badass Dad Blog)
22. Hot In Herre by Jenny Owen Young (Four Funny Kids)
23. Tears Of A Clown by The English Beat (ClumberKim)
24. ... Baby One More Time by Travis (BaltimoreGal)
25. Where The Streets Have No Name/Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You by Pet Shop Boys (The Mom Slant)
26. Wasted Years by Damone (Because I'm Your Father)
27. Billie Jean by Chris Cornell (Punk Rock Parents)
28. Last Kiss by Pearl Jam (Raging Dad)
29. Surfin' U.S.A. by The Jesus And Mary Chain (Mayberry Mom)
30. Hazy Shade Of Winter by Bangles (Diary Of An Unlikely Housewife)
31. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley (Mommy Confessions)
32. Where Did You Sleep Last Night? by Nirvana (me)
    

I'd like to thank everyone for coming out for this week's show. I love cover songs, so it was a fun show for me. Sorry I couldn't play everyone's requests.

Please drop by next week when we'll be playing songs from albums that debuted in 1990.

Happy Fourth Of July!

Now go eat, drink, and blow something up!

Eating With The Aliens

I saw two aliens today. Not people-from-another-country aliens (although I saw some of them, too). Creatures-from-another-planet aliens.

I was running late this morning and didn't have time to pack my lunch, so I dropped by Burger King during my lunch hour. I placed my order and while I was waiting for them to prepare my food, I noticed the two gentlemen behind me in line.

One was in his forties and one was in his sixties (but I'm a terrible judge of age, so they could've both been anywhere from thirty to eighty). In my mind, one was the father, the other his son. They spoke perfect English, without any hint of an accent.

The older guy ordered first.

Older Guy: Hello.
Cashier: Hi.
Older Guy: I saw in the newspaper yesterday that you can buy a Whopper and get another Whopper for free.
Cashier: Yes. That's our coupon.
Older Guy: I'd like that, please.
Cashier: Sir, that's a coupon. You have to have it with you when you order.
Older Guy: Oh.

The other guy ordered his food without any complications. I watched the cashier hand them their cups. They looked at him kind of funny and then noticed the self-serve fountain. They poured their drinks and then sat down.

At this point, I was eating my burger and watching a lady behind the counter shout, "Ticket #180! Your order is ready!" I knew it belonged to one of the aliens, but they just sat there, oblivious to her yelling, waiting for someone to bring them their food. Finally, after I had garnered all the entertainment I could muster from the situation, I yelled over to them, "Guys? You need to go up to the counter to get your food."

At first, I thought they were from a different country and hadn't been exposed to fast food or coupons before. But what country would that be? Underarockistan? But their English was too good; hell, it was better than mine.

So I made the only logical assumption: they were aliens from another planet, trying to blend in with society and learning our norms, while awaiting word from the Mothership to overthrow us in a bloody, fiery invasion.

Unless they all die from starvation at a Taco Bell one afternoon.

Or maybe these two were former millionaires who have been reduced to normal schmoes due to the economy and this was their first trip ever to a fast food joint?

Or maybe I just need to find time to pack my own lunch every day.