I Am Now The Only Person On Earth Who Hasn't Played Guitar Hero

In addition to the absence of Billy Packer and seeing UNC cement itself as the team to beat, one of my favorite moments from watching NCAA basketball this weekend was the following commercial:

The clip, in case you're too lazy to hit the Play button, features former and current coaches Bob Knight, Mike Krzyzewski, Rick Pitino, and Roy Williams pretending to play Guitar Hero until Metallica shows up.

I don't know which scarred me more: watching those old coaches dancing around in their underwear or seeing Metallica looking rough as hell. After seeing Bob Knight and James Hetfield, I wondered who was going to break his hip first (but if I had to put money on it, I'd go with Knight due to his very shaky entrance).

But after my fifth viewing of the commerical, I realized they should use the coaches to pimp other products. Or maybe not.


Click for larger image

Driving In The Dark

I was driving to my son's school for lunch and was beginning to think I'd never make it there alive.

Somehow, I had gone blind.

I wasn't really blind. I could see. I just couldn't fully open my eyes.

My eyes were barely open. If I concentrated hard enough, I could make out the colors and design on my t-shirt. My field of vision was severely limited: I could make out about 5% of what I normally could see.

If I tilted my head back far enough, I could sense the blurry blobs that were the other cars on the road. I could hear the horns blaring at me, the tires screeching. But like those little old ladies I often curse, I kept on driving, ignoring the protests of others. I had somewhere to be.

I would try to open my eyes. When I did, my eyelids would flutter faster than a hummingbird's wings. I was having enough trouble driving without the added strobe effect.

It took a near rear-end collision with a yellow Volkswagen Beetle for me to finally pull the car over into what I thought was a parking lot.

I sat there for a moment, readying myself. I started praying. I started crying. I summoned all my strength and --

I woke up in the car, forty-five minutes before lunch.

Statistics II

We're down to the Final Four in the Second Annual Cynical Dad Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge. Even at this late stage in the game, four different players still have a shot of winning. Even though I'm out of the running, my Heels are still in it. And looking damn good.

Here's some statistics so far:

Final Four
0% picked all four Final Four teams
6.7% picked three correct Final Four teams
26.7% picked two correct Final Four teams
40% picked one correct Final Four team
26.7% picked no correct Final Four teams

Championship Game
63.3% have lost one of the teams playing in the championship game
36.7% have lost both of the teams playing in the championship game

National Champion
53.3% have lost their National Champion

1984

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs from albums released in 1984. Here's the playlist:

1. Runaway by Bon Jovi (me)
2. Money Changes Everything by Cyndi Lauper (me)
3. Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood (Dereksmommissy)
4. Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams (FlipFlopsChels)
5. Drive by The Cars (A Smeddling Kiss)
6. Round And Round by Ratt (Chicky Chicky Baby)
7. I'm On Fire by Bruce Springsteen (The Gratton Grapevine)
8. The Wild Boys by Duran Duran (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
9. Hold Me Now by Thompson Twins (UpsideUp)
10. We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister (Phenom's World)
11. Big In Japan by Alphaville (Greeblemonkey)
12. Blasphemous Rumours by Depeche Mode (Mr. Big Dubya)
13. How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths (The Weirdgirl)
14. Head Over Heels by The Go-Go's (me)
15. Hero Takes A Fall by The Bangles (me)
16. Panama by Van Halen (Connecticut Mom)
17. Be My Number Two by Joe Jackson (ClumberKim)
18. Radio Ga Ga by Queen (Cool Zebras)
19. Private Dancer by Tina Turner (Attack Of The Redneck Mommy)
20. Like A Virgin by Madonna (A Mom Two Boys)
21. Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon (Issas Crazy World)
22. The Boys Of Summer by Don Henley (Notes From The Bunker)
23. My City Was Gone by The Pretenders (Bleaksquid)
24. (Don't Go Back To) Rockville by R.E.M. (Sashalyn)
25. Couldn't Stand The Weather by Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble (Badassdad05)
26. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham (me)
27. Tenderness by General Public (me)
    

I'd like to thank everyone who came out for the show. Next week, we'll continue our trek through the '80s with songs from albums released in 1985. Here's a list if you need help.

Just Like Flavor Flav

We've been planning our attack…

Ella: Someone told me if you put photos of toilets around your house, it will remind your child to use the potty.
Me: I'd wear a toilet seat around my neck if I thought it would help.

P.S. It's been almost four years since we went through potty training. If anyone has any book or video suggestions to show my son before we begin the process, please leave them in the comments. Thanks!

Things I Learned At The NC Zoo On Sunday, Part IV

Lesson learned: The cooler the animal, the farther it will be from the paying customers. Little box turtles would swim up to the glass window, begging me to photograph them. The elephants, meanwhile, huddled at the very back of their habitat:



Maybe we should just go back to putting all the animals in cages so we can actually see them.

Bonus lesson learned: I really need to invest in a decent zoom lens for my camera. Here's the original photo of the elephants:

Things I Learned At The NC Zoo On Sunday, Part III

Lesson learned: Flamingos are pretty fucking boring.

While they're beautiful animals, most of the time they just stand around on one leg with their heads tucked into their bodies.



Every once in awhile, one of them might decide to go against the grain and pop its head up for a moment



but they sure as hell don't run around like they do in the Miami Vice credits.

Things I Learned At The NC Zoo On Sunday, Part II

Lesson learned: Seals like to swim upside now.



And no, I'm not holding the camera upside-down. Cut me some slack, will you?

When the seals came to a certain part of their underwater lair, they would flip over and swim upside-down and then swim against the glass, like they were performing for the crowd.

Of course, if I had this sweet setup, I might be inclined to perform for the crowd, too:



Or maybe they were just putting some kind of Seal Hex on us all.

Things I Learned At The NC Zoo On Sunday, Part I

Instead of sitting on my ass on Sunday afternoon and watching the rise and fall of my bracket, I took the family to the zoo instead.

And guess what we saw?

BIGFOOT!



Yeah, that's pretty lame. Actually, it's this guy or gal:



Lesson learned: if I ever write a post about seeing Bigfoot and include photographic evidence, rest assured it will be legit because I suck at doctoring photographs.

Statistics

We're down to the Sweet Sixteen in the Second Annual Cynical Dad Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge and it's still anyone's game (except for a few people).

Here's some statistics so far:

National Champion
16.7% have lost their National Champion

Championship Game
13.3% have lost one of the teams playing in the championship game
13.3% have lost both of the teams playing in the championship game

Final Four
16.7% have lost one of their Final Four teams
6.7% have lost two of their Final Four teams
6.7% have lost three of their Final Four teams
6.7% have lost all four of their Final Four teams

Elite Eight
23.3% have lost one of their Elite Eight teams
13.3% have lost two of their Elite Eight teams
6.7% have lost three of their Elite Eight teams
3.3% have lost four of their Elite Eight teams
3.3% have lost six of their Elite Eight teams
6.7% have lost all eight of their Elite Eight teams

While I'm stuck in a tie for 16th place and am nine points behind the leader, I am in the 43.3% of participants with all eight of their Elite Eight teams remaining. So while I mathematically still have a chance, my picks need to be perfect from here on out. GO HEELS!

1983

I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows on Tuesday night. This past week's theme was songs from albums released in 1983. Here's the playlist:

1. Synchronicity II by The Police
2. Overkill by Men At Work
3. Love Is A Battlefield by Pat Benatar (FlipFlopsChels)
4. Holiday by Madonna (A Vapid Blonde)
5. Burning Down The House by Talking Heads (Dereksmommissy)
6. Send Her My Love by Journey (Connecticut Mom)
7. One Thing Leads To Another by The Fixx (Citizen Of The Month)
8. The Cutter by Echo & The Bunnymen (ClumberKim)
9. Let's Go To Bed by The Cure (Mr. Big Dubya)
10. All You Zombies by The Hooters (Red Pen Mama)
11. Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top (Cool Zebras)
12. Jump (For My Love) by The Pointer Sisters (Temporarily Me)
13. Blister In The Sun by Violent Femmes (A Smeddling Kiss)
14. You Can't Hurry Love by Phil Collins (Sashalyn)
15. Cum On Feel The Noize by Quiet Riot (me)
16. Karma Chameleon by Culture Club (me)
17. They Don't Know by Tracey Ullman (The Weirdgirl)
18. New Year's Day by U2 (Shambleyqueen)
19. Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler (Phenom's World)
20. Looks That Kill by Motley Crue (Daddy Dan)
21. A Million Miles Away by The Plimsouls (Spellweavers)
22. Pancho & Lefty by Merle Haggard & Willie Nelson (My A Cup Runneth Over)
23. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) by Eurythmics (Attack Of The Redneck Mommy)
24. The Reflex by Duran Duran (Coffeequeen)
25. Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies (The Imperfect Parent)
26. Cuts Like A Knife by Bryan Adams (Mom's Not All)
27. Mr. Roboto by Styx (Pet Cobra)
28. Come Back And Stay by Paul Young (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
29. Golden Shower Of Hits (Jerks On 45) by Circle Jerks
    

Much thanks to everyone who came out and participated! Next week, we'll continue our journey through the '80s with 1984. Here's a list if you want to get started.

Note To Self

When running an NCAA pool, it might be a good idea not to be totally out of the running at the end of the first round.

(As of the conclusion of Friday's games, I am currently in a five-way tie for 20th place. Out of 30 people. Ugh.)

I Get My Self-Esteem From My Children's Toys

So the other week, we bought our son the following toy:



He's really been into electronic toys and the alphabet lately, so we figured it would be the perfect toy.

His reaction? He closed the screen. He still wants nothing to do with it.

So I've re-appropriated the toy as my life coach.

How?

If you hit a certain button enough times, the computer says, "Your blog is awesome!"

I've damn near worn that button out.

P.S. In addition to "Your blog is awesome," the thing also says "Let's IM later." This toy is marketed to kids that are 3-7 years old. What 7-year-old kid knows what the hell a blog or IM is?

Want To Know Why I Have Trouble Making Friends?

Then head on over to While Mom's @ Work and read It's Not You, It's Me.

Worst Cover Song Ever?

If you know of a worse cover song, please leave it in the comments. Don't forget to leave a link (if possible) so we can all enjoy in its suckiness.

P.S. Death Metal doesn't count. All death metal covers of normal songs suck.

The Second Annual Cynical Dad Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge

Last year, I ran an NCAA basketball pool at CBS Sportsline. We had twenty people in our challenge and TwoBusy walked away with a narrow two-point victory.

Even though I lost, I had so much fun that I decided to do it again this year. If you're interested in playing, here's how the scoring breaks down (Please note: it's different from last year):

1st round: 1 point for each correct pick
2nd round: 2 points for each correct pick
3rd round: 3 points for each correct pick
4th round: 4 points for each correct pick
5th round: 5 points for each correct pick
Final round: 6 points for the correct pick

If you end up winning the Second Annual Cynical Dad Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge, I'll send you a mix CD (which will probably end up being a "Best Of" from my Nameless Twitter Radio Show) and a limited edition Cynical Dad lapel pin. Only two people have one of these pins. I'm saving the rest to give out at BlogHer.

So if you're interested in signing up and participating, go here and register and fill out your bracket. The password is cynical. And if you're not a parent or a blogger, you're still free to enter. If you're playing, let me know in the comments. If you have any problems, drop me a line.

And if anyone would like to add anything to the prize pool, please contact me.

Good luck, everyone!

1982

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs from albums that debuted in 1982 (but I did not allow any selections from Thriller). Here's the playlist:

1. Friend Or Foe by Adam Ant (me)
2. Let's Pretend We're Married by Prince (me)
3. Jack & Diane by John Cougar (Life In Pictures)
4. To Look At You by INXS (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
5. Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash (Sashalyn)
6. Town Called Malice by The Jam (Coffeequeen)
7. I Don't Care Anymore by Phil Collins (Cool Zebras)
8. Don't Go by Yazoo (A Smeddling Kiss)
9. Atlantic City by Bruce Springsteen (The Blog At 16th And Q)
10. Heat Of The Moment by Asia (Connecticut Mom)
11. She Blinded Me With Science by Thomas Dolby (ClumberKim)
12. President Gas by Psychedelic Furs (Mr. Big Dubya)
13. Don't Tell Me You Love Me by Night Ranger (Chicky Chicky Baby)
14. No Law Or Order by Hanoi Rocks (me)
15. Little Too Late by Pat Benatar (me)
16. Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners (FlipFlopsChels)
17. Mickey by Toni Basil (Pgoodness)
18. (I Ran) So Far Away by A Flock Of Seagulls (The Shambleyqueen Chronicles)
19. I'll Tumble For Ya by Culture Club (Notes From The Bunker)
20. It's Raining Again by Supertramp (TwoBusy)
21. Don't Pay The Ferryman by Chris DeBurgh (Left Coast Floyds)
22. Maneater by Hall & Oates (Surveysmith)
23. The Chauffeur by Duran Duran (The Life And Times Of Mona Mildew)
24. You Dropped A Bomb On Me by The Gap Band (Dereksmommissy)
25. Gardening At Night by R.E.M. (My A Cup Runneth Over)
26. The Look Of Love by ABC (EarnestGirl)
27. No One Like You by The Scorpions (Parentopia)
28. Pac Man Fever by Buckner & Garcia (Honea Express)
29. Mommy's Little Monster by Social Distortion
    

I'd like to thank everyone for coming out for the show! Sorry I couldn't get to everyone's requests. Next week, we'll cover songs from albums released in 1983. Apparently, I got a little excited for the upcoming show as Social Distortion's album wasn't released until 1983. Dumbass.

It's Still More Interesting Than Jared Fogle

The other night I was watching the World Baseball Classic (Yeah, I'm the only person watching it. What can I say? I'm ready for baseball season to start!), when I saw the following commercial:



Apparently, it's been out for at least two years but this is the first time I've seen it. TiVo spares me from suffering through a lot of ads.

My question: why in the hell is it still airing? It's dumb as hell, doesn't make sense, and isn't remotely amusing.

But it's got me talking, so mission accomplished, eh?

Still, it makes me long for the days of the alien chinchilla/hamster hybrids or whatever the hell those little beasties were:

Five For Friday: Favorite Books

For Sarah, who asked, "What are the best five books you have ever read?"

Top Five Favorite Books

1. Breakfast Of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
2. Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins
3. The Catcher In The Rye by J. D. Salinger
4. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
5. The Little Engine That Could
   

I've had a lot of time to read lately. I've been doing some volunteer work. They needed someone to look pretty and answer the phone, two things I can do as well, if not better, than most people. To pass the time, and because I've been needing a laugh, I've been rereading all of the Vonnegut, Robbins, and David Sedaris books.

But I need something new to read, so please leave some suggestions in the comments.

Two requests:

1. I'd like the book to be humorous.
2. It has to be available at the public library. I'm a cheap bastard.
   

Thanks!

Speechless

Drama Queen

I had never seen my daughter want anything before.

Sure, she wants things. A new bike. A Wii. This, that, and everything else she sees on the shelves at Target.

But nothing like this. And nothing this badly.

A week ago, Zoey came home all excited.

"I think I'm going to have a part in our school play!"

Each grade performs its own play/musical near the end of the school year. And since every kid in each grade is a performer in the play, I didn't think too much of it. "Oh really?" I asked.

"YES! I'm going to be one of the main characters! I'll have lines and get to sing all by myself!"

I knew there could only be three to five main characters, tops. All the other kids would be members of the chorus. "Really? What about the rest of the kids in your class?"

"They're all going to be animals."

She had relegated her classmates to background character status. She was going to be the STAR. I really don't know where she gets this from. Even though I played piano at weddings and sang for several bands, I was the guy who threw up before every gig.

I wish I had half her self-esteem.

For the past week, she's been talking about the play nonstop. Last night, after I finished reading to her before bedtime, she said, "Daddy, I really hope I get the part."

"I know you do. I hope you get it, too. But if you don't, you can always try again next time."

"I know."

When she got in the car this afternoon, I asked her, "Did you find out?"

"Find out what?"

"Did you get the part?"

"I got it," she answered in a tone that said Of course I got it. There was never any doubt. Because in her mind, there wasn't any doubt.

And I hope that's always the case.

Inspire Me

I got nothing.

Help a brother out.

Give me something to write about.

Ask me a question.

Surely there's something I haven't covered in the past 3.5 years.

Want To Be A DJ?

The auction that benefits the Border View YMCA ends in just a matter of days! If you haven't checked it out, here are some of the items you can bid on:

• A dinner date with MetroDad.
• An oil painting by the world-renowned artist, Whit Honea.
  
• 15 pounds of cookies from Bite My Cookie (I've had these and they're delicious!).
• An autographed copy of Rockabye and a link on her website from Girl's Gone Child.
• A Mets game with Looky, Daddy!
• A month of advertising on Attack Of The Redneck Mommy.
  
• A month of advertising on Sarah And The Goon Squad.
• A month of advertising on Busy Mom.
• A set of Monster Turbine In-Ear speakers from A Family Runs Through It.
• A Flip Mino camcorder.
• A pass for the 2009 BlogHer Conference.
• Dinner with Shamu and passes to Sea World, San Diego.
• Round-trip airfare to Ft. Lauderdale and a five-day cruise to Jamaica and Grand Cayman. The coolest part? Queensryche, Tesla, Skid Row, and some other bands will be performing on this cruise. Rock!
• And more!
  

I'm also auctioning off an item. If you place the winning bid on my auction, you get control of my Nameless Twitter Radio Show for a week! While I'll still be running the show, the show will be YourName's Nameless Twitter Radio Show that week. You'll also get to pick that week's theme and the opening two songs, two songs at the start of the second hour, and the final song played during the show. I'll also plug you and your website on the show and my blog. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity which is currently only going for $25. I think that's because it's near the bottom of the page (what's up with that, Matthew?).

So what the hell are you waiting for? To bid on my auction, click here. To bid on the other auctions, click here.

1981

I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows on Tuesday night. This week's theme was songs from albums that debuted in 1981. Here's the playlist:

1. Hold On Tight by Electric Light Orchestra (me)
2. Pretty In Pink by The Psychedelic Furs (me)
3. Stone In Love by Journey (Dereksmommissy)
4. The Stroke by Billy Squier (The Stiletto Mom)
5. Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode (Seriously Mama)
6. Stand And Deliver by Adam & The Ants (Coffeequeen)
7. Tainted Love by Soft Cell (FlipFlopsChels)
8. No Reply At All by Genesis (Connecticut Mom)
9. Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol (Sashalyn)
10. Under Pressure by Queen & David Bowie (Left Coast Floyds)
11. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic by The Police (Notes From The Bunker)
12. My Girl (Gone, Gone, Gone) by Chilliwack (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
13. Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield (Cool Zebras)
14. Live Wire by Motley Crue (The Imperfect Parent)
15. Who Can It Be Now? by Men At Work (The Gratton Grapevine)
16. Destroyer by The Kinks (me)
17. Girls On Film by Duran Duran (me)
18. On The Outside by Oingo Boingo (The Weirdgirl)
19. Freeze Frame by The J. Geils Band (Motherbumper)
20. Stray Cat Strut by The Stray Cats (Mothergoosemouse)
21. Labelled With Love by Squeeze (A Smeddling Kiss)
22. Juke Box Hero by Foreigner (Ddonat)
23. Gloria by U2 (The Shambleyqueen's Xanga Site)
24. Working For The Weekend by Loveryboy (FlipFlopsChels)
25. Jerkin' Back 'N' Forth by DEVO (Cool Zebras)
26. Our Lips Are Sealed by The Go-Go's (The Weirdgirl)
27. Super Freak by Rick James (Sashalyn)
28. Into The Light by Siouxsie & The Banshees (Notes From The Bunker)
29. Talk To Ya Later by The Tubes (A Smeddling Kiss)
30. Bad Moon Rising by EmmyLou Harris (Earnestgirl)
31. The Best Of Times by Styx (me)
    

Much thanks to everyone who came out to listen and/or request songs! Next week, we'll continue our trip through the '80s with songs from albums that debuted in 1982.

Stupid Computer

My laptop is failing. My battery conked out months ago (it'll only hold a charge for 30 minutes or so). Earlier this week, my AC adapter started shorting out. A few days ago, it totally stopped working.

I am currently using a loaner adapter which is probably going to fry my computer (it's 65W, my laptop needs 90W). But you know what pisses me off the most about all this?

I DID NOT POST YESTERDAY.

Yeah, I realize no one missed me. Some of you might have been thankful for the breather. But I had been blogging every day since November 1st. I had posted for 124 days in a row. And while not every (or any) post was of high quality, I was still proud of that little streak.

My streak is dead. Just like my stupid AC adapter.

DAMN YOU, DELL!

Party Favors

When making a mix tape to give out as a party favor for your four-year-old son's birthday party, it's probably not a good idea to include a song with the line "finger-banging my heart," right?

Does it matter if it's been one of his favorite songs for the past nine months?

Guess we'll have to stick with The Flaming Lips and Laurie Berkner.

I Love To Watch You Kissing Other Girls

My wife watches every damned "reality" matchmaking show known to man. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Rock Of Love, whatever. If you've got a show that involves a lot of people trying to win the affection of one person, she's game. I'll occasionally glance up at these shows while I'm blogging tweeting working on my laptop.

Full disclosure: I happily watched the first season of Rock Of Love with her. But I drew the line at the second season. It seemed like the same damn thing I had already watched (and I swear, some of those girls from the second season were on the first season as well).

I don't quite understand the contestants on these shows. First of all, the cynic in me does not believe in love at first sight -- initial attraction, yes -- yet all these contestants claim, "I fell in love with him the second I saw him!" And it's usually punctuated by a squeal. And lots of eye-rolling from the other contestants.

But the thing that really slays me is how these women can still be in love with a man after watching him kiss, canoodle, and god knows what else with everyone on the show. I don't get it. Maybe I never learned how to share my toys as a child.

Is it a jealousy thing? A survival of the fittest thing? What the hell makes you "love" a guy who shoved his tongue down the throats of your fifteen skanky roommates? Is the camera an aphrodisiac?

Maybe I'm just old and lame.

Today's Post Has Been Cancelled Due To Inclement Weather

SNOW DAY!



Believe it or not, this is the first snowman the kids and I have ever built. Not because I suck as a father, but because this was the first decent snowfall we've had since they were born.

Teacher, Teacher

I was playing Crazy Eights with Zoey when she asked me what one thousand and one thousand was.

"Two thousand," I replied.

"What's two thousand plus two thousand?"

"Four thousand."

"Wow! It's just like ten plus ten and twenty plus twenty."

"Right. Or one plus one and two plus two. That's why you're starting to learn math rules at school, to make it easier for you to add and subtract large numbers."

"Daddy, you're good with this stuff. You know what? You'd make a great..."

It was at this point I was getting ready to put on my Humble Hat, and tell her that teaching was a very difficult and honorable profession and one that I'd probably not be very good at.

"class helper."