Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 31, 2008 at 8:59 PM
I've never been one to make New Year's Revolutions. Most of the time, I know I'm not going to go through with them, so what's the point?
But this year will be different! I'm making a list and I'm going to follow through with it!
Here are my New Year's Revolutions (Please note: not all of these are revolutions. Some are just steps needed to make my revolutions a reality. And they may not be in the necessary chronological order to make my dream a reality.):
Launch an exploratory committee to gauge interest in a possible state Senatorial campaign. Seriously. I can do more damage from the inside.
Get my own cable access show. It's free, so why not? Plus, once they see how intelligent, funny, and telegenic I am, the major networks will all come a-calling.
Overthrow my Community Association. We don't need them. We can self-police the neighborhood. Neighbor's yard needs mowing or maybe his house needs painting? Tell him. If he doesn't take care of the matter in a timely fashion, kick his ass. Welcome to Lord Of The Cul-De-Sac, bitches!
Get an enemy. I'll invent one if necessary. People love the underdog vs. the uncaring, faceless corporate entity. I think Wal-Mart's adequately covered. Maybe I'll attack Target. Or Starbucks.
Get on board with this whole "Change" thing. Change sounds good. Show me what ya got, big guy.
Overthrow the bra. You know who invented a bra, don't you? A man (please note: this statement could be entirely incorrect). Unchain yourselves from those mammary handcuffs and take back your dignity. Be free, my sisters.
Start my own religion. Duh!
Hire a bagpiper. It'll be cool to have a bagpiper accompany me during speeches and press conferences.
Get a sidekick. I'll need someone to take a bullet (or two or twenty) for me.
Viva la Revolucion!
Damn the man! Save the Empire!
Here's to all the best in 2009 for you and yours!
But remember: you're either with me or you're against me.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 30, 2008 at 11:56 PM
Since I'm an arrogant asshole, I thought I'd list my favorite posts for each month of 2008. What? You were expecting me to list the best albums, movies, or news events of 2008? You must have mistaken me for someone who has a life!
November Um, yeah. Despite the fact that I posted every day in November, I didn't post anything worthy of being highlighted. So move along. Nothing to see here.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 29, 2008 at 11:44 PM
This year, like many other families, Ella and I decided not to exchange gifts for Christmas. We told our parents not to buy us any presents and agreed not to buy each other gifts "from the kids."
So while I did not get anything physical for Christmas (unless you count the thing with the ice, feather, and Tabasco sauce), I did get a GREAT Christmas gift.
Last year at Christmas time, we bought Zed lots of different toys. It didn't matter what the toy was -- a car, an animal, or a ball -- all he would do was drop it on the floor or table repeatedly. That was how he played.
This year was totally different. We got him a marble track (which can be pricey as hell but we found a 80-piece plastic set that was made in Italy for only $25) and he put the marbles at the top of the track and watched them go around the maze. We got him a Hot Wheels race set and he put the cars at the top of the ramp and watched them race. We got him an accordion and after I showed him how it worked, he played it.
His sister got a four-piece drum set for Christmas (we're idiots). He stood there and flapped for a good five minutes while she played. Finally, we asked Zoey to hand him the drumsticks. He delicately tapped the cymbal with one of the sticks. Once he saw how much fun that was, he started in on the tom and snare. He still prefers to work the bass pedal with his hand, but we think he'll get more use out of the drums than Zoey will.
Between the increase in language (he told me to "Get off!" him today) and the appropriate play with his toys, this was a great Christmas for our family and we're really looking forward to many more great things in the new year.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 28, 2008 at 11:35 PM
This year, my wife and daughter decided to start their own Christmas Eve tradition. Zed and I also tried to start one of our own, but found the strip club down the road closes at noon on Christmas Eve. Bastards.
Ella and Zoey decided to build a gingerbread house. And by build a gingerbread house, I mean build a gingerbread house that comes in a kit from the local crafts store. They were all stoked, talking about how they were going to build one every Christmas Eve, how much fun it would be, wondering what it would taste like, and all that jazz.
And then reality set in.
They started around 6:00 PM. They made the paste/filling/sticky stuff and started putting the house together. They affixed the four sides of the house to the bottom of the house with the paste/filling/sticky stuff. Per the instructions, Ella put four cans of food in the corners of the house to make sure the walls were secure.
And then she saw the next step: allow to stand for one hour.
Then she saw the next few steps: install the roof and then allow to stand for two hours.
Since this was Christmas Eve and we had a hell of a lot of toys to put together all good little girls and boys have to be in bed AND asleep by a certain time or Santa won't visit your house, Ella realized there was no way they could finish the gingerbread house. So we put the kids to bed and Ella finished installing the roof while I started putting the toys together.
On the afternoon of Christmas Day, Ella and Zoey decorated the house. I took a few photos of their masterpiece. They debated where to put the house before deciding the living room would be the perfect locale (up high, of course, so Zed couldn't lick it).
Ella carefully put her hands on the side of the house. She carefully lifted it off the kitchen table.
And then we watched the whole damn thing come crashing down.
The floor crashed down onto the table. Once the floor fell off, Ella accidentally smashed in the house. Gumdrops flew everywhere. I laughed. Zoey cried. Ella didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
How did this happen? Ella forgot to take the cans of food out of the house before installing the roof. I guess she was building some sort of gingerbread house pinata or something.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 26, 2008 at 10:55 PM
Ok. I have to go 16-0 this weekend to finish the season above .500. Oh well. Hopefully, I'll do better come playoff time!
Here are this week's picks (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):
PACKERS (-10) over Lions STEELERS (-10.5) over Browns Raiders (+13) over BUCS FALCONS (-14.5) over Rams Panthers (-3) over SAINTS Bears (+3) over TEXANS Giants (+6.5) over VIKINGS PATRIOTS (-6.5) over Bills BENGALS (-3) over Chiefs COLTS (+3) over Titans CARDINALS (-6.5) over Seahawks RAVENS (-12.5) over Jaguars Redskins (+3) over NINERS Dolphins (+2.5) over JETS Cowboys (+1.5) over EAGLES Broncos (+9) over CHARGERS
Last Week
Me: 7-9 Simmons: 9-7
Season
Me: 109-124-6 Simmons: 125-109-6
DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.
Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.
Snoopy's Christmas by The Royal Guardsmen (Reflecting)
Merry Christmas From The Family by Robert Earl Keen (Hey, You!)
Christmas Time For My Penis by The Vandals (me)
I'd like to thank everyone who dropped by and listened to the show. Where else are you going to find The Darkness, Luciano Pavarotti, The Royal Guardsmen, Robert Earl Keen and The Vandals back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back?
Next week will be Chag's New Year's Eve's Rockin' Eve. I'll be playing your requests (Top 40) and will be mixing in some live performances from some very special guests. There will be party favors and free champagne at midnight!
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 24, 2008 at 11:45 PM
I'd like to wish everyone a happy holiday season. I hope you are able to spend it with family and friends. May the season find you in good spirits, health, and wealth.
And as always, thank you for stopping by my little corner of the Internet.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 23, 2008 at 9:12 PM
You see your son playing with a certain toy almost every day. When he's not looking, you turn it over and jot down the manufacturer's information. You then go online and try to discover the toy's name. Once you get this information, you hit Target, Amazon, Wal-Mart, Toys R Us, and countless other websites, searching for this item.
But you can't find it anywhere.
Want to know why?
Because like many of their toys, the preschool bought this item years and years ago. And it has since been discontinued.
So if one of you guys has a Click Clack Caterpillar you're not using, could you give it to Santa and ask him to drop it down our chimney on Wednesday night? Much thanks!
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 22, 2008 at 9:51 PM
Miscellaneous Musings On The Holiday Season
You know those commercials where people get cars for Christmas and there's always a big red bow tied around the car? Have you ever received one of these for Christmas? Have you ever seen a car with a big red bow in someone else's driveway on Christmas morning? Where the hell do you buy a big ass red bow anyway?
Here's my parenting tip of the week: when taking your kids to meet and have their pictures taken with Santa, don't go to the place with the most realistic Santa. Instead, opt for the place where you're least likely to get shot in the parking lot.
ABC Family and the main networks have been playing holiday specials almost every night of the week. Why won't anyone show Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas?
The Cynical Dad Xmas 2008 Mix Tape
Every year, I make a Christmas mix for myself. This year's mix, however, is a bit different from years past. There are a few new songs on this year's mix. There's also a certain classic, Step Into Christmas, that I've always loved yet somehow has never made one of my lists. And while there were some standbys I couldn't part ways with this year, I did exclude perennial favorites like Bizarre Christmas Incident, Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight), Christmas Time For My Penis, and my favorite Christmas song of all time, Fairytale Of New York. Anyway, here's the playlist:
Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You by Billy Squier
Merry Xmas Everbody by Slade
Step Into Christmas by Elton John
Christmas All Over Again by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End) by The Darkness
Christmas Ghost by Manic Street Preachers
Naughty Naughty Xmas by Danger Danger
Don't Shoot Me Santa by The Killers
Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas) by The Decemberists
Lonely Christmas by The Smugglers
You Shook Me All Noel by dj BC
Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance! by Sufjan Stevens
Why Can't It Be Christmastime All Year by Rosie Thomas
All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
Frosty The Snowman by Fiona Apple
My Gift To You (It's Me) by The Four Corners
Let It Snow by Luscious Jackson
Merry Christmas From The Family by Jill Sobule
Christmas Tree On Fire by Holly Golightly
It's Christmas (And I Hate You) by Josh Weller, Paloma Faith & The Arctic Circle Ensemble & The Puffin Voices)
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 20, 2008 at 3:20 PM
I've gone an abysmal 16-31-1 over the past three weeks. I'm no longer concerned with beating Bill Simmons; I'm just trying to get back to .500 for the year!
Here are this week's picks (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):
Colts (-6) over JAGUARS Ravens (+4) over COWBOYS Steelers (-2) over TITANS Dolphins (-4) over CHIEFS Cards (+8.5) over PATS Bengals (+2.5) over BROWNS Eagles (-5) over REDSKINS Niners (-5.5) over RAMS Chargers (+3.5) over BUCS Falcons (+3.5) over VIKINGS LIONS (+7) over SAINTS Panthers (+3) over GIANTS Jets (-4.5) over SEAHAWKS Texans (-7) over RAIDERS Bills (+6.5) over BRONCOS BEARS (-4) over Packers
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 19, 2008 at 10:46 AM
On Tuesday, I got the kids some books at the library. Unfortunately, I picked up a book of knock-knock jokes for Zoey. As a result, I've heard way too many corny jokes over the past few days. Here's one for you:
Knock, knock! Who's there? Necks. Necks who? Necks time, don't get her a book of knock-knock jokes, dumbass.
What's that? You want more? Ok. Since you insist:
Knock, knock! Who's there? Cheese. Cheese who? Cheese driving me crazy with all these damn knock-knock jokes.
And I've got plenty more where that came from, so don't test me!
Truckdrivin Neighbors Downstairs (Yellow Sweat) by Beck (me)
Sorted For E's & Wizz by Pulp (me)
I thought this was a pretty cool show. Thanks to everyone who came out and listened and requested songs. Next week, I'll be doing a Christmas music show.
I've got the schedule for the next four weeks (you can see it in the middle column) and am looking for suggestions for future shows. Feel free to leave any suggestions you may have in the comments. Thanks!
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 16, 2008 at 9:26 PM
Seven years ago on Christmas Eve, we discovered that Ella was pregnant with Zoey. We concocted a cheesy method to inform our parents. After everyone wiped away their tears of joy, we all sat around in our hideous Christmas sweaters, sipping eggnog and talking about our future child.
It's Cyndi Lauper and The Hives with A Christmas Duel. It's a bitter little back-and-forth, akin to Fairytale Of New York. Even though the song kicks major ass, I would've liked to have seen Ms. Lauper duet with someone other than Pelle Almqvist.
But I guess it beats hanging out with Captain Lou Albano.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 14, 2008 at 11:56 PM
Twenty-four years ago, Bob Geldof got some of the world's biggest musicians together to record Do They Know It's Christmas? But I have to wonder: if he had a chance to do it all over again, would he think twice before inviting Bananarama?
Personally, I believe there's only way to ascertain a blog's true worth: by the number of topless photos of readers the owner receives. And I've been feeling mighty unworthy lately.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 12, 2008 at 10:47 PM
I've gone 11-21 over the past two weeks. My luck has to change this week!
Here are this week's picks (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):
BEARS (-3) over Saints Packers (-1.5) over JAGUARS Lions (+17.5) over COLTS Redskins (-7) over BENGALS Bucs (+2.5) over FALCONS DOLPHINS (-6.5) over Niners Bills (+8.5) over JETS Titans (-3) over TEXANS RAVENS (-2.5) over Steelers PANTHERS (-7.5) over Broncos Seahawks (-2.5) over RAMS CARDS (-3) over Vikings Patriots (-7) over RAIDERS Chargers (-5.5) over CHIEFS Giants (+2.5) over COWBOYS Browns (+14) over EAGLES
Last Week
Me: 5-11 Simmons: 5-11
Season
Me: 97-105-5 Simmons: 108-95-5
DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.
Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 11, 2008 at 9:52 PM
This weekend, I installed a storm door. It was a two-person job, so I enlisted the help of my father-in-law.
Actually, any home improvement task that involves me is automatically a two-person job. I can put things together, but anything that involves sawing, precise measurements, or installing leaves me in a fetal position, sucking my thumb. When this happens, Ella calls her Dad, who built houses when he was younger and can do all this home improvement crap with his eyes closed.
Sometimes, I wish he would do these home improvements with his eyes closed. Because what he does is far worse: he does them without Instructions!
He'll eyeball a project and say, "this goes here, that goes there" and start putting things together. And then I'll notice we're on Step 6 without doing Steps 1-5 first. And I break out in hives.
But the worst part of his disregard for Instructions is that we always end up with unused parts. I have a drawer full of carefully labeled nuts, bolts, and such, waiting for the day when something falls apart and we need to fix it by adding its previously uninstalled part.
Our storm door had extra pieces after we installed it. But you know what? It works properly. And if I had to install it by myself, I would still be lying in the corner, fretting over the Make the cut 1/16" less than the mark made in Step 4, taking into account the angle of the threshold step.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 08, 2008 at 8:46 PM
Sorry about being unintentionally coy with my last post. Something exciting did happen on Sunday night, but I wanted time to put my thoughts into words. But by the same token, I had to say something.
Autism is a very wide spectrum that affects people in many different ways. Some, like my son, have to be taught through repeated trials how to imitate people. This is something most of us take for granted as most neurotypical children are born with this ability. Think about it: most children can imitate goofy grins and other facial expressions before they reach one year. Imitation is a very important skill because most of us learn through imitating others.
Lately, my son has been doing a lot of imitating. And not just physical actions, either; he has started to echo words and sounds.
On Sunday evening, after Ella read Zed his bedtime stories, we kissed him and both told him, "I love you." Only this time, he said, "I love you" in return.
I know he loves us. It was just nice to finally hear those words.
P.S. If I ever write another cryptic post like the last one and use words like magical, rest assured we are not having another child. While I can think of a lot of adjectives to describe the prospect of a third child, magical, exciting, and awesome do not come to mind.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 06, 2008 at 11:05 PM
I've got four weeks left to make up a lot of ground. Here are this week's picks (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):
RAIDERS (+9.5) over Chargers BEARS (-6.5) over Jaguars Bengals (+13.5) over COLTS TITANS (-14) over Browns PACKERS (-6) over Texans Vikings (-10) over LIONS Falcons (+3.5) over SAINTS GIANTS (-7) over Eagles Jets (-3.5) over NINERS BILLS (-1) over Dolphins BRONCOS (-9) over Chiefs STEELERS (-3) over Cowboys Patriots (-5) over SEAHAWKS Rams (+14) over CARDINALS RAVENS (-5) over Redskins PANTHERS (-3) over Buccaneers
Last Week
Me: 6-10 Simmons: 8-8
Season
Me: 92-94-5 Simmons: 103-84-5
DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.
Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 05, 2008 at 11:31 PM
Zed loves looking at the neighbor's outlandish Christmas decorations. He'll run to our living room window every ten minutes or so, flap his wings a few times, and then go back to what he was doing.
Except when it's time to go bed.
After we read him his bedtime stories and close his bedroom door, he waits a few minutes and then hops out of bed to check out the lights some more.
How long does he stay there?
No telling.
But we have found him asleep on the floor beneath his bedroom window twice this week.
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 04, 2008 at 11:29 PM
Ok. I'm about to ask a H-U-G-E favor of you guys.
I want you to listen to a Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana song.
PLEASE!
If you must, turn your speakers down until it gets to the 3:27 mark:
Now tell me the final twenty seconds of that song wouldn't make a great commercial for Target, Sears, Wal-Mart, Kohl's, or some other all-in-one department store?
Anyone think they had that in mind when they wrote that song?
All I Want For Christmas Is You by My Chemical Romance (me)
I'd like to thank everyone for coming out and listening to the show. I really enjoy Christmas music, so I had a good time and hope everyone else did as well.
To cleanse ourselves of all the Christmas cheer, next week I'll be playing angry songs.
Like Anyone will be watching
Here's my pick for Thursday night's game: Raiders (+9.5) over Chargers
Permalink | Posted by Chag on December 01, 2008 at 11:07 PM
My daughter's school observed Drug Awareness Week a few weeks back.
One day, the kids all wore their school's colors.
Another day, the kids wore hats.
On the third day, the kids wore mismatched socks.
On the next day, the kids wore their clothes backwards.
I forget what they did on the final day. Bring a bong for Show And Tell, maybe?
I'm sure this program was a major success because I can't think of a better way to make kids aware of drugs than by dressing them up like dealers (hats and gang colors) and junkies (backwards clothes and mismatched socks).
Hello. My name is Chag Holland. I am a major pop culture junkie and music lover. I like to photograph weird things. I am a conspiracy theorist and an amateur cryptozoologist. I am an avid sports fan and follow the Yankees, Panthers, and Tar Heels. I am a stay-at-home dad and have two wonderful children and one beautiful wife. I write about all this stuff.
Hello. My name is Chag Holland. I am a major pop culture junkie and music lover. I like to photograph weird things. I am a conspiracy theorist and an amateur cryptozoologist. I am an avid sports fan and follow the Yankees, Panthers, and Tar Heels. I am a stay-at-home dad and have two wonderful children and one beautiful wife. I write about all this stuff.
