Punchy

I'm feeling punchy tonight. Maybe that's why I'm telling knock knock jokes on Twitter.

One day my genius will be appreciated. Probably long after I'm gone.

I had a somewhat psychotic, dialogue-heavy post written equating visiting the gas station to visiting an Old West outpost. But I deleted it.

But seriously people? There's no need to punch each other just because you're pissed off about waiting in line thirty minutes to get your tank filled. We're all pissed off about it. We're just better at dealing with it.

I'm still taking my gun next time, though.

Song of the day: Jodi by Mink

Beating Bill Simmons 2008: Week Four

I'm having trouble figuring out this season. Here's what I do know: the Cowboys look incredible and St. Louis looks like a high school team.

Here are my picks for week four (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

Broncos (-9) over CHIEFS
Does Kansas City know the season's started?

BENGALS (-3.5) over Browns
The Browns are averaging an impressive 8.7 points per game this year.

Texans (+7.5) over JAGUARS
Jacksonville always seems to play at the level of the team they're playing. I can't see them beating anyone by 8.

Cardinals (+1) over JETS
I don't think the Jets can keep up with Arizona's offense.

49ers (+6) over SAINTS
I know they were playing the Lions, but San Francisco impressed me last weekend.

Falcons (+7.5) over PANTHERS
I can't see the Panthers winning by 8. In fact, I'm worried they won't win this game.

TITANS (-3) over Vikings
Peterson and Taylor are both listed as questionable.

Packers (+1.5) over BUCS
If Orton can pass for 250+ with 2 TDs, Rodgers will get at least 300 and 3 scores.

Bills (-8) over RAMS
The line could be 18 and I'd still take the Bills.

Chargers (-7) over RAIDERS
San Diego finally got their act together last Monday.

Eagles (-3) over BEARS
Even if Westbrook's out, this game won't be close.

COWBOYS (-11) over Redskins
11 points is a lot to give to 2-1 team, but I think Dallas will win by at least 2 TDs.

Ravens (+5.5) over STEELERS
The Steelers have gone six quarters without scoring a touchdown.

Last Week

Me: 8-8
Simmons: 10-6

Season

Me: 23-23-1
Simmons: 23-23-1

DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.

Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.

Song of the day: If I Only Had A Brain by MC 900 Ft Jesus

The Genesis Of A Pseudonym

Yesterday, Karen, an Imperfect Parent colleague and former Babble colleague (apparently, I'm following her around everywhere), asked me if Chag was an acronym for something.

If my site had a FAQ section, "Is Chag your real name? Is it a nickname? Does it mean something?" would be right near the top. In fact, that line of questioning would be second only to "Why the hell hasn't your wife left you yet?"

When people ask me what Chag means, I tell them. It's no big secret. But for some reason, I've never discussed it here. Basically, it's my initials and my wife's initials mashed together to form one sexy little acronym.

Pretty lame, no?

When I started this site, I wanted to be fairly anonymous. Ella picked her own alias and I chose the kids' aliases. But I had trouble finding a nom de plume for myself. I wanted something unusual. And then one day, Chag emerged from the deep recesses of my memory.

Because there was a time when I had big plans for Chag.

When Ella and I ran our little flea market booth, we would often come across odd things at yard sales. One day, Ella brought home a bagful of zippers.

Me: What the hell are we supposed to do with these?
Ella: Sell them.
Me: Who's going to buy a bag of zippers?
Ella: I did.
Me: Then let's hope there's another Ella out there.

But after a few days, I had an idea. I knew what to do with the zippers!

Maybe it was all the parachute pants and bondage pants I wore was exposed to in the '80s, but I decided to make a zipper shirt.

Ella: A what?
Me: A zipper shirt.
Ella: You're going to sew a bunch of zippers on a shirt?
Me: No, I'm going to sew all the zippers together to form a shirt.
Ella: But you don't even know how to sew!
Me: It's just needle and thread. How hard can it be?

Despite the fact that it would probably be uncomfortable as hell and weigh twenty pounds (but it would probably stop a bullet!), I though a zipper shirt was a cool idea. I drew pictures of the prototype. But instead of learning how to sew, I drew pictures of other fashion creations. And then I came up with the name of the company: CHAG.

I could see the CHAG name up there alongside Betsey Johnson and Vivienne Westwood. I started making mockups of the CHAG label. I knew some people cared more about the label than the actual article of clothing, so I was determined to make the CHAG label as cool as possible. Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

Eventually, I moved on to other schemes and dreams. A few years later, I came across the bag of zippers when we were cleaning out the garage. I held it fondly for a few seconds, thinking about the zipper shirt and CHAG. And then I threw the bag of zippers in the trash, along with my dreams of becoming a fashion designer.

I still haven't learned how to sew.

Song of the day: The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang

Guilty Pleasures

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was guilty pleasures: songs you like to listen to when no one else is around to make fun of you. I warned everyone in advance that I'd be putting their names next to the requests so people could laugh at them. Here was the playlist:

1. SexyBack by Justin Timberlake (me)
2. Beautiful by Christina Aguilera (me)
3. Objection (Tango) by Shakira (me)
4. California Love by 2Pac (Seriously Mama)
5. Nite And Day by Al B. Sure (Chicky Chicky Baby)
6. Mama Mia by ABBA (Gaming With Baby)
7. Wannabe by Spice Girls (Issas Crazy World)
8. More Than A Feeling by Boston (Motherbumper)
9. Lovebug by Jonas Brothers (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
10. See You Again by Miley Cyrus (Life As I Live It)
11. Freedom '90 by George Michael (Phenom's World)
12. I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys (Mamma Loves)
13. If You Wanna Be Happy by Jimmy Soul (Attack Of The Redneck Mommy)
14. Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC (DC Urban Dad)
15. Kiss The Girl by Ashley Tisdale (me)
16. I Can't Wait by Nu Shooz (Cool Zebras)
17. I Remember You by Skid Row (The Imperfect Parent)
18. I Wonder If I Take You Home by Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam (The WingDangDoo)
19. Rock Me Gently by Andy Kim (Cheeky's Hideaway)
20. Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon (Dirt & Noise)
21. Jive Talkin' by Bee Gees (Kimblahg)
22. Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler (Backpacking Dad)
23. Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson (BaltimoreGal)
24. Just A Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody by David Lee Roth (Rock And Roll Mama)
25. Girls by Beastie Boys (The Weirdgirl)
26. Saturday In The Park by Chicago (Rattling The Kettle)
27. Friends In Low Places by Garth Brooks (Parentopia)
28. You Never Even Called Me By My Name by David Allan Coe (All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go)
29. The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang (Undomestic Diva)
    

Tonight was a first for my radio show: I had too many people making requests! Some people did not get their requests played and for that, I apologize. My only advice is to get your requests in early for future shows.

Next week, I'm going to try something a little different. I'm going to do an Artist Spotlight, where I'll only be playing songs by one artist. I'm going to kick it off with Ben Folds since his new album comes out that day. I know I'll probably be alienating most of my listeners, but I'm used to alienating people.

Here's the schedule for the upcoming weeks (all shows are 10PM ET):
09.30 Artist Spotlight: Ben Folds
10.06 Songs From Soundtracks
10.13 Duets
10.20 TBA Breakup Songs (per Undomestic Diva)
10.27 Halloween/Scary Songs

As always, if you'd like to catch my upcoming shows, you can subscribe to my Twitter feed. And if you have any suggestions for themes for upcoming shows, please leave a comment.

While Mom's @ Work

My monthly column, While Mom's @ Work, has officially gone live at Imperfect Parent! My first piece is called The Secret Life Of A Stay-At-Home Dad: Deadbeat, Invalid, And Lothario and is about life as a stay-at-home dad, life in the south, and hot lesbian action.

Please take a moment to check it out!

Song of the day: Kiss The Girl by Ashley Tisdale

Cuddles Lost

This might be the mushiest post I've ever written on this site, but it's for two people I care about and consider friends, so bear with me.

They're having an online baby shower for Kristen of Motherhood Uncensored and Rebecca of Girl's Gone Child. I'm quite thankful the people running the gala didn't ask us to give advice (I've told people to name their kids after dogs in the past). Instead, they want us to fondly recall what was special about the baby days.

That's easy. It's the cuddling and snuggling.

Babies love to be held. They loved to be cuddled. They NEED to be cuddled. And while it seems like a pain in the ass when you're wearing a path in the carpet at 4 AM, it's worth it. It feels good to you and them.

Besides, the day will come when your kids won't want to be hugged or cuddled anymore.

I haven't crossed that bridge yet, but I can see it on the horizon. When I drop my daughter off at school and give her a hug, I can feel her peering over my shoulder, searching the landscape for her friends. The day will come soon enough when she's too cool to get a goodbye hug from her dad.

And that day will suck.

So Rebecca and Kristen, congratulations and enjoy those cuddles. Hug them both for me!

Like the great Tom Kiefer once said, you "don't know what you got till it's gone."

Song of the day: Personality Crisis by New York Dolls

Beating Bill Simmons 2008: Week Three

No intro this week. Here are my picks (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

FALCONS (-5.5) over Chiefs
Did you see what the Raiders did to the Chiefs last week? Look for Turner to come close to his Week 1 numbers this week.

Raiders (+9.5) over BILLS
Buffalo has looked damn good so far this year. While I think they'll win this game, I can't see them winning by 10 or more.

TITANS (-5) over Texans
Does anyone that's not a fan of these two teams care about this game?

Dolphins (+13) over PATRIOTS
New England will win but won't cover.

BEARS (-3) over Bucs
I still think Garcia should be QB.

Rams (+9.5) over SEAHAWKS
The Rams are AWFUL. But the Seahawks aren't much better.

Panthers (+3.5) over VIKINGS
Carolina will win this one even if Adrian Peterson plays.

NINERS (-4) over Lions
Mike Martz will enjoy running up the score in this one.

GIANTS (-13) over Bengals
Fact: Carson Palmer sucks. He has 18 TDs and 21 INTs in his past 16 games.

EAGLES (-3) over Steelers
Philadelphia almost beat Dallas on Monday. Pittsburgh barely got by Cleveland.

Cards (+3) over Redskins
Still not feeling the Redskins. I am feeling Arizona, though.

COLTS (-5) over Jaguars
Indy has looked pretty bad this year, but not as bad as Jacksonville.

RAVENS (-2.5) over Browns
Is Cleveland really this bad? Or does it just appear that way because their two opponents have been Dallas and Pittsburgh?

BRONCOS (-5.5) over Saints
The Cutler/Marshall attack looked unstoppable last week.

Cowboys (-3) over PACKERS
I don't think Green Bay's offense can keep pace with the Cowboys' offense.

Jets (+10) over CHARGERS
San Diego will start the season 0-3.

Last Week

Me: 8-6-1
Simmons: 7-7-1

Season

Me: 15-15-1
Simmons: 13-17-1

DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.

Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.

Song of the day: Brick House by The Commodores

Get Down, Make Love

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was songs to listen to while making love, getting your freak on, and having hot monkey sex. Here was the playlist:

1. Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye
2. Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
3. Justify My Love by Madonna
4. One Time Too Many by PJ Harvey
5. Feels Like Rain by John Hiatt
6. Throb by Janet Jackson
7. Brick House by The Commodores
8. Within You by Ray Lamontagne
9. I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever) by Steve Wonder
10. Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins
11. Foxy Lady by Jimi Hendrix
12. Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe by Barry White
13. People Are Still Having Sex by LaTour
14. Still Loving You by Scorpions
15. I Want Your Sex by George Michael
16. Hell Is Around The Corner by Tricky
17. Closer by Nine Inch Nails
18. Ava Adore by Smashing Pumpkins
19. Feeling Good by Nina Simone
20. Cocoon by Bjork
21. Be Mine by David Gray
22. Principles Of Lust by Enigma
23. Wild Thing by Tone Loc
24. Angel by Stabbing Westward
25. Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone by Bill Winters
26. Sixty Minute Man by The Dominoes
27. Afternoon Delight from Anchorman
28. Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen
    

There were many requests during this show. Apparently, sex brings people out of the woodwork. On most weeks, some people are able to make two or three requests. But this week I had to limit everyone to one request.

Prior to every show, I set aside some songs to play in case I don't get many requests. I only got a chance to play four songs this week (the first three and Ava Adore). So after the show, I did a little After Party where I played the following songs from my list:

1. Gett Off by Prince
2. Why Can't I Fall In Love by Ivan Neville
3. Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
4. Criminal by Fiona Apple
5. Love To Love You Baby by Donna Summer
6. Pencil Skirt by Pulp
7. #1 Crush by Garbage
   

Thanks to everyone who came out and listened or requested songs: All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go, Attack Of The Redneck Mommy, Chicky Chicky Baby, Cool Zebras, Dirt & Noise, For A Different Kind Of Girl, Gaming With Baby, Honea Express, JumbieQueen, Junk Food 4 The Soul, Juxtapositioning, Kirtsy, Left Coast Floyds, Life As I Live It, Mamma Loves, Manager Mom, Mothergoosemouse, Motherhood Uncensored, Mr. Big Dubya, Muskrat, Notes From The Sleep Deprived, Pet Cobra, Seriously Mama, A Smeddling Kiss, Sweatpantsmom, Undomestic Diva, Updating Ensueth, The Weirdgirl, We're Not In Kansas Anymore Toto, Whisky In My Sippy Cup, and Yvrtech.

I thought tonight's show was more interesting than most because each listener used his or her interpretation of a sexy song. I found out, among other things, that one person's Barry White is another person's Tone Loc.

Song of the day: Love To Love You Baby by Donna Summer

Urinating Beagles, Yo Gabba Gabba, Polar Bear Sex, And John Cusack's Jukebox

It's been quite some time since I did one of these search engine posts, which is a shame because I really enjoy them. I need some sort of service that reminds me every two months or so, "Dude! It's time to do one of those Google posts!"

As always, the following are some interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

heimlich maneuver blowjob
Isn't it enough that she thanked you for saving her life, dude?

beagle pees 14 times a day sometimes in house
Time to get a fish.

a picture of a dad and mom polar bear having sex
Sorry. I'm only involved in the lesbian polar bear porn trade.

are all people who wear argyle socks cool
Not a one.

did japanese invent masturbation
Yes. I believe Sony invented it 3,000 years ago. It was originally called the Jerkman.

bill murray glue that holds us together
Nope. Chris Elliot is the glue that holds us all together.

wife's pregnant and im impotent
Coming up on the next Jerry Springer…

bridal shower she threw up
Worst case of pre-wedding jitters ever.

chuck e cheese do you have to eat to play
Hell no! You don't even have to pay to play.

first thing to teach kids about music
That the Grateful Dead sucks.

how do demons use pornography
I have no idea, but I think I've finally found a name for my Twitter radio show.

is def leppard's song "love bites" anti jesus?
No. It's anti-melodious, but not anti-Jesus.

sickness from fellatio
We don't buy that excuse, ladies.

is it bad to go out drinking n leave your baby at home
Probably.

jeremiah was a bullfrog baby bedding
I believe I saw some at JC Penny next to the Sweet Home Alabama tablecloths.

should i let my child play spin the bottle
Sure! Give him/her alcohol, cigarettes, your porno collection, and some paint thinner while you're at it!

john cusack holding up a jukebox
I don't think that would've made that scene in Say Anything as poignant. Plus, the jukebox probably would have crushed him.

meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow (the government!)
Next!

what does it mean when in the mens public restroom he puts a 20 bill on the floor
It means you're getting lucky tonight! And twenty bucks richer!

if you are at school liking you must puke in the trash can and call home and w ach a movie by cookie monster hard and play so hard
I'm having such a difficult time trying to figure out what you're talking about that I can't even attempt to write a joke.

what does the yo gabba gabba cast look like without costumes
I don't know about the other cast members, but I do know the guy that plays the red one-eyed penis actually looks like that in real life. That's not a costume.

what comes out of a girls vagina
Butterflies, roses, and the Muzak version of Christopher Cross's Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do).

Song of the day: Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do) by Christopher Cross

Beating Bill Simmons 2008: Week Two

Things I learned while watching the first week of NFL games:

1. Detroit has no run defense.
2. Arizona, Chicago, and Carolina may be better than we thought.
3. Philadelphia, Dallas, and Pittsburgh looked damn good.
4. Cleveland, Cincinnati, St. Louis, and Seattle looked awful.
5. The 2008 Oakland Raiders might be the worst team in the history of the NFL.
6. My grasp on the NFL seems to be poor. I went 7-9 last week. But I did beat Bill Simmons, who went 6-10. FACE!
   

This is something I did when I writing for Dadcentric back in the day. Basically, I go head-to-head each week against ESPN's Bill Simmons (of course, he knows nothing of it). I pick the winners of each NFL game and see how I did against his picks.

Anyway, here are my picks (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

Titans (+1) over BENGALS
Collins makes the Titans better.

Colts (-2) over VIKINGS
One of these teams will be starting the season 0-2. My money's on Minnesota. Peterson will still get his yards, though.

PANTHERS (-3) over Bears
I know Carolina has problems winning at home but I don't see them having a problem with Chicago. I think Chicago's play last week was an aberration.

FALCONS (+7) over Bucs
I'd take a hurt Garcia over a healthy Griese any day of the week.

Saints (PK) over REDSKINS
Jason Campbell vs. Drew Brees. That's all you need to know.

Bills (+5.5) over JAGUARS
I went back and forth with this pick. I'm still not comfortable with it.

Packers (-3) over LIONS
Aaron Rodgers looked good last week against an above-average defense. This week, he gets to play the Lions.

Giants (-8.5) over RAMS
St. Louis looked AWFUL last weekend.

Niners (+7) over SEAHAWKS
Both teams looked awful last week, so I'm taking the points.

Dolphins (+6.5) over CARDS
Vegas did notice that Miami almost beat the Jets last week, right?

Patriots (+1) over JETS
Guess we'll see if Belichick's system really is plug and play.

CHIEFS (-3.5) over Raiders
Going into this season, I thought Kansas City would be the worst team in the NFL. And then I saw the Raiders play.

Chargers (-1.5) over BRONCOS
Both teams return to normal this week.

Steelers (-6) over BROWNS
Will Parker score three touchdowns again this week?

Eagles (+7) over COWBOYS
Dallas will win, but they won't cover a seven-point spread against the Eagles.

Last Week

Me: 7-9
Simmons: 6-10

Season

Me: 7-9
Simmons: 6-10

DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.

Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.

Song of the day: I Got A Girl by Tripping Daisy

The Day The Movies Died

I read yesterday that Universal is making a big-screen version of Sigmund And The Sea Monsters. And then the last little bit of my soul was sucked from my body and vanished into the ether.

Don't get me wrong; I loved me some Sigmund when I was a kid. I just don't see the point in a movie. I'm tired of Hollywood constantly taking bits and pieces of my youth and desecrating remaking them for a new generation. Rather than trying to find new and original writers, Hollywood producers are staying up late and watching Nick At Nite and TV Land, looking for something to pillage.

Top Five Television Shows That Should Never Be Made Into Movies

Dear Hollywood,

If you ever decide to make any of the following television shows into a movie, I will fly to California and take a dump on the Hollywood sign. Even though you would have beaten me to it.

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag

5. The Golden Girls
I was fifteen when this show started. Do you really think I wanted to watch a show about four geriatric women? No! And neither do today's teenagers.

But my dearest Bea will always hold a special place in my heart.

4. My Two Dads
Hi. One of us is the father of this girl whose mother just died. Let's move in together and raise her!

Most unrealistic premise ever.

3. Bosom Buddies
But I'd bet Peter Scolari would be more than willing to do a cameo (not only did I remember that dude's name, but I also spelled it correctly (I need a life)).

2. Mad About You
Paul Reiser is my kryptonite.

1. Webster
YOU DO NOT MESS WITH PERFECTION!

So what television shows do you hope Hollywood never lays its filthy bloody hands on?

P.S. Mention Small Wonder and you're dead to me.

Song of the day: Just A Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody by David Lee Roth

Cover Me

I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows on Tuesday night. The theme was cover songs. Here's the playlist:

1. My Way by Sid Vicious
2. Golden Shower Of Hits (Jerks On 45) by Circle Jerks
3. Mony Mony by Billy Idol
4. Knockin' On Heaven's Door by Guns N' Roses
5. Hurt by Johnny Cash
6. God Only Knows by Julia Nunes
7. (I'm Not Your) Steppin' Stone by Minor Threat
8. Viva Las Vegas by The Dead Kennedys
9. Two Of Us by Aimee Mann and Michael Penn
10. Cruella De Vil by The Replacements
11. The Man Who Sold The World by Nirvana
12. Word Up by Korn
13. Helter Skelter by U2
14. Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
15. Renegades Of Funk by Rage Against The Machine
16. Crossroads by Cream
17. Rock And Roll/Sympathy For The Devil by Jane's Addiction
18. Bitches Ain't Shit by Ben Folds
19. Superstar by Sonic Youth
20. Piece Of My Heart by Melissa Etheridge
21. Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm
22. Just A Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody by David Lee Roth
23. Lovers In A Dangerous Time by Barenaked Ladies
24. Boyz-N-The Hood by Dynamite Hack
25. Head On by Pixies
26. 99 Red Balloons by 7 Seconds
27. Video Killed The Radio Star by The Presidents Of The United States
28. Rainbow Connection by Me First And The Gimme Gimmes
29. Easy by Faith No More
    

I'd like to thank the following people for dropping by and/or making requests: Attack Of The Redneck Mommy, Backpacking Dad, Cheeky's Hideaway, For A Different Kind Of Girl, Gaming With Baby, Honea Express, Issas Crazy World (whose Dixie Chicks request I forgot to play (sorry!)), Kimblahg, Left Coast Floyds, The Lovely Mrs. Davis Tells You What To Think, Motherhood Uncensored, Out-Loud Brainwaves, Pet Cobra, Phenom's World, Rock & Roll Mama, Seriously Mama, Spookiez Spot, Temporarily Me, Undomestic Diva, and The W.O.M. Mom.

I've got a very special show lined up for next week so be sure to drop by!

Song of the day: God Only Knows by Julia Nunes

Bathed In Hate

I know most of us have already made our choice between John McCain and Barack Obama. Hell, I'd be willing to bet that a good portion of us had decided which party we were voting for before the primaries even began. I know we all have our belief systems in place and are ready to defend them.

But do we have to be so goddamned nasty about it?

In the past week, I have heard and read many shocking things about Sarah Palin from my fellow Obama supporters. They tore her to shreds with their comments. While I'll admit that I've taken more than my fair share of potshots at George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and other Republicans, I've never come close to stating anything as downright hateful as the things I've been exposed to in the past week.

The other week, I was sitting in the waiting room while I was getting my car's oil changed. An elderly woman was sitting beside me, watching CNN. She turned to me and said, "I hate that Nancy Pelosi bitch! She's the reason gas prices are so high!" Damn, Grandma! I just giggled nervously and picked up a copy of Field & Stream to hide behind.

The whole country's bathed in hate. The accusations and slurs that supporters of both parties are flinging at each other appall me. We all have our differences, but we do not have to annihilate everyone who is different from us or does not share our views.

Jozet from Halushki left the following comment on my Sarah Palin post last week:

I think you're right. And Flying Spaghetti Monster save us. I think that a lot of cultural and societal issues are going to come to a head in the next few years and not until after a huge clusterf*ck circular firing squad of everyone on everyone.

But that's what we've seem to set ourselves up for and what, after all, we seem to want. We not meaning me of course. ;-)

I do believe, though, that the story will have a heroic and possibly happy ending. However, as in all good epic tales, there is a fire walk into dark places and good deeds will abound from unlikely sources. I have that faith. (But don't tell anyone I have faith.)

When I first read her words, I chuckled. Now, I'm not so sure. I think she might be right. And that scares me.

We've still got two months left until the election. Let's try to be nice to each other and even though we may disagree with certain candidates, treat them with respect.

Supporting a candidate does not mean degrading another candidate.

Song of the day: Walking On Sunshine by Katrina & The Waves

Beating Bill Simmons 2008: Week One

This is something I did when I was writing for DadCentric back in the day. I pick the winners of each NFL game and see how I do against ESPN's Bill Simmons (of course, he knows nothing of it). I'm also posting these picks over at Draft Day Suit.

And not to brag or anything, but I did go 8-2-1 during the playoffs last year.

Anyway, here are my picks (home teams in CAPS, Bill's picks in red):

GIANTS (-4) over Redskins
I truly believe Washington may be one of the worst teams in the NFL this year. Next to Kansas City, of course.

Bengals (-1 1/2) over RAVENS
You can add the Ravens to the list of Teams That Are Going To Suck This Year.

Lions (-3) over FALCONS
I'm intrigued by the Lions now that they've added Rudi Johnson.

DOLPHINS (+3) over Jets
Miami will win this one outright. Miami will also play .500 ball or better this year.

PATRIOTS (-16 1/2) over Chiefs
Normally, if any teams gets over 15 points, I'd tell you to take them. But this is the Chiefs. And they're playing the Patriots.

STEELERS (-6 1/2) over Texans
I just can't get behind the Texans.

Jaguars (-3) over TITANS
I like the Jaguars this year.

SAINTS (-3 1/2) over Bucs
I can't see Tampa Bay stopping Brees. P.S. Divisional games shouldn't be played in Week One.

NINERS (+2 1/2) over Cardinals
I think San Francisco wins the West this year.

BILLS (-1) over Seahawks
Does Seattle have a healthy receiver?

EAGLES (-7 1/2) over Rams
Westbrook should have a field day in this game.

Panthers (+9) over CHARGERS
If Steve Smith were playing, I'd think the Panthers would win this one.

COWBOYS (-5 1/2) over Browns
Should be a high-scoring affair, but I think Dallas will win by at least a touchdown.

COLTS (-9 1/2) over Bears
I don't care if Manning plays on one leg, the Bears still have Orton at QB.

Vikings (+2 1/2) over PACKERS
The Vikings will win the North this year. Neither the Packers nor the Jets will make the playoffs.

RAIDERS (+3) over Broncos
I'm high on the Raiders this year. Or maybe I'm just high.

DISCLAIMER: This is provided for entertainment purposes only. If you follow my advice, you are a fool.

Seriously, if you ever spend money based on something I say, have your head examined.

Song of the day: Cantaloop by Us3

Christmas In September

Like Christmas

Tonight is the start of the NFL football season and I couldn't be more psyched! I do wish they had offered a better match-up to start the season, but you know what? It's PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL! I would watch Miami play the Lions right now and be totally satisfied.

I can't believe the line on tonight's game is only four. I think the Giants will win by at least ten.

And if you're curious, I'm picking Dallas to win it all this year.

Christmas Present

I'm going to be writing a monthly column over at The Imperfect Parent. But here's the rub: my column doesn't have a name yet (which should come as no surprise as I have yet to find a suitable name for my Twitter radio show).

That's where you come in!

Go here and enter your best ideas for my column's name. The winner will receive his or her choice of Imperfect Parent clothing (which sadly does not include Cynical Dad panties (because I know the way you think)).

So show me what ya got!

Song of the day: None (D'oh!)

That '70s Show

On Tuesday night, I did another one of Chag's Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was music from the seventies. It was probably the most schizophrenic show I've done thus far. It was also one of my favorites. I received a lot of great requests during the two hours. Here's the playlist:

1. I Was Made For Lovin' You by Kiss
2. Rockaway Beach by The Ramones
3. Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. Joy To The World by Three Dog Night
5. People Who Died by Jim Carroll
6. I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
7. God Save The Queen by The Sex Pistols
8. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce
9. Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac
10. Why Can't We Be Friends? by War
11. You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate
12. Danny's Song by Loggins & Messina
13. East Bound And Down by Jerry Reed
14. Fame by David Bowie
15. Tiny Dancer by Elton John
16. Tell Me Something Good by Chaka Khan & Rufus
17. Saturday Night by Bay City Rollers
18. The Boys Are Back In Town by Thin Lizzy
19. The Joker by Steve Miller Band
20. Lola by The Kinks
21. Tommy Gun by The Clash
22. Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen
23. Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel
24. Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
25. I Think I Love You by The Partridge Family
26. D'yer Mak'er by Led Zeppelin
27. I Was Made For Dancin' by Leif Garrett
28. Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp
    

I had a pretty good turnout despite the fact I was up against the premiere of 90210. I'd like to thank the following people for dropping by and/or making requests: Attack Of The Redneck Mommy, The Edge Of Insanity, For A Different Kind Of Girl, Gaming With Baby, The Gratton Grapevine, Honea Express, Issas Crazy World, Jagged Edge Of Em's Anxiety, JumbieQueen, Left Coast Floyds, Life Of 'Pie, LightSpring Transformations, Mamma Loves, Mommy Confessions, Out-Loud Brainwaves, Party Of Five, Pet Cobra, Seriously Mama, Using My Words, and The Weirdgirl

Reminder: All future shows will be on Tuesday nights from ten to midnight, Eastern time.

Song of the day: East Bound And Down by Jerry Reed

I Hate Cats

Sometimes late at night, I'll grab a drink and go out on the front steps to think.

But I'm never alone.

There are always four or five cats out patrolling the neighborhood.

One sits underneath the lamppost.

One rests on a manhole cover.

And there are always two or three others at different strategic positions.

They stare at me. I hiss at them. They don't budge.

It's a little game we play. But I always lose.

They're not afraid of me. They have bigger conquests in mind.

I think we must have vampires or chupacabras roaming our streets while we're all snug in bed.

Or maybe just mice.

Song of the day: Waterloo by ABBA