I don't usually discuss politics on this site (even though I did give a shout-out to Bill Clinton in an earlier post this week), but since it's the weekend and most of my readers are on holiday anyway, I'm going to lift my self-imposed embargo to share my thoughts on Governor Sarah Palin.
In short, I feel that by selecting Palin as his running mate, John McCain will be the 44th President of the United States.
Palin was a brilliant choice for the Republican ticket. She is pro-life, opposes same-sex marriages, and is a member of the NRA. She is a mother of five and a former beauty queen.
But most importantly, she is a she.
We'll come back to that point in a minute.
The downside to the McCain-Palin ticket is Palin's inexperience. She's been Governor of Alaska for almost twenty-one months. Prior to that, Palin was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Because of Palin's inexperience, the Republicans will not be able to attack Barack Obama for his own inexperience in international affairs, which has been a major talking point in the past.
There are people who claim that Palin is only on the ticket to woo the disillusioned Hillary Clinton backers. Really? While I'm sure there were a few people that voted for Clinton in the primaries on the sole basis that she is a woman (just as there are those that voted for or against Obama because he is black), those numbers can't be that great. Other than their sex, there aren't many similarities between Clinton and Palin. I just can't see Clinton backers jumping party lines and pushing the McCain-Palin button in November. I do, however, believe more Independent females will vote for the McCain-Palin ticket than would have voted for a McCain-SomeDude ticket.
But where Palin's inclusion on the ticket will really come into play is with her fellow Republicans. I believe that some Republicans have problems with McCain and while they would never vote against him, they were planning on staying home in November out of disgust. Palin gives a new face to the Republican Party. A younger, prettier face. A female face. I think she will reinvigorate the Republican Party and will make the people who were planning on staying home in November make that trip to the voting booth.
I know we still have another month and a lot can happen between now and then, but between the Independent voters and a greater turnout in Republican voters, on January 20, 2009, McCain will be at the United States Capitol with his hand on the Bible.
I just hope I'm wrong.
Song of the day: New Song by Howard Jones
Checkmate
Another 120 Minutes
On Thursday night I did another 120 Minutes-themed Twitter radio show. Here's the playlist for those that are interested:
- Negative Creep by Nirvana
- Eye Of Fatima, Pt. 1 by Camper Van Beethoven
- Birdhouse In Your Soul by They Might Be Giants
- Stigmata by Ministry
- Nearly Lost You by Screaming Trees
- Stuart by The Dead Milkmen
- Mandinka by Sinead O'Connor
- No New Tale To Tell by Love & Rockets
- Rush by Big Audio Dynamite
- Knock Me Down by Red Hot Chili Peppers
- Alive by Pearl Jam
- Original Sin by INXS
- New Song by Howard Jones
- It's A Shame About Ray by The Lemonheads
- Fascination Street by The Cure
- On The Greener Side by Michelle Shocked
- 100% by Sonic Youth
- Story Of My Life by Social Distortion
- Grass by XTC
- So You Think You're In Love by Robyn Hitchcock & The New Egyptians
- Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards by Billy Bragg
- Blue Monday by New Order
- It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R.E.M.
- Add It Up by Violent Femmes
- Bastards Of Young by The Replacements
- Secret by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
- Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
- Mountain Song by Jane's Addiction
- Step On by Happy Mondays
If you're interested in catching future songs, you can follow me on Twitter. Starting next week, I'm moving the shows to Tuesday nights at 10 PM ET.
And as always, if you can think of a name for this crap (something vague genre-wise and something that doesn't mention Twitter), please leave me a comment. Chag's Nameless Twitter Radio Show is lame.
Song of the day: So You Think You're In Love by Robyn Hitchcock & The New Egyptians
So I Was Wondering
Can I just vote for Bill Clinton again?
PLEASE?
Song of the day: Positively 4th Street by Bob Dylan
My Gift To You
One thing about summer I never could stomach… all the damn sunscreen.
Growing up in the South, I participated in more than my fair share of greased pig contests. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this barbaric activity, it starts with a pig that has been covered with lard. Ten to twenty kids would chase the pig inside a pen for ten minutes, which meant that ten to twenty kids would fall flat on their faces in the mud for ten minutes. Eventually, the pig would tire and some lucky kid would trap the pig in the corner of the pen and win an apple pie or something like that.
Surely PETA has outlawed this activity by now, right?
Even though I never won a greased pig contest, one might think these events would have prepared me for putting sunscreen on my children. No such luck.
Thankfully, Zoey realizes if she wants to go outside and play, she must wear sunscreen. Zed's a different story. Every once in awhile, we're able to put sunscreen on Zed while he's lying on the changing table. But I think he enjoys watching us chase him around the room, cursing and falling as we try to apply sunscreen as he slips from our grasp.
When we were at the beach earlier this year, in the middle of our third marathon sunscreen session of the day, Ella came up with a brilliant idea. You know those fake suntanning booths they have that spray you with "sun" that turns you all nice and orange? Imagine if there was a booth that covered you with sunscreen.
Or more importantly, your children.
You just step inside, don those tiny little eye thingies, and push a button. It's a Million Dollar Idea. I'm a cheap bastard and I would gladly pay $5 per kid each time they need to be lathered in sunscreen. Every beach, pool, and park would buy one of these machines. People would be lining up around the block just so they didn't have to deal with slippery little kids.
I'm just not smart enough to make such a contraption. If you can, go for it. Just do me a favor: call it the ChagMaster 3000 or something like that.
And if you feel like sending me a buck or fifty thousand, I won't stop you.
Song of the day: Down Together by The Refreshments
Rap And Roast
Last night I did another one of my Twitter radio show things. This week's theme was rap music. Unfortunately, I had to cut the show short by an hour (my daughter, who was staying with her grandmother, decided she missed us and needed to come home at 11:00 PM). Oh well, better luck next week. Here's the playlist for those of you who are interested.
- Fight The Power by Public Enemy
- Hey Ladies by Beastie Boys
- Insane In The Brain by Cypress Hill
- How Ya Like Me Now by Kool Moe Dee
- Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa
- Children's Story by Slick Rick
- They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.) by C.L. Smooth & Pete Rock
- Let Me Ride by Dr. Dre
- Bounce by Timbaland
- White Lines by Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five
- Friends by Whodini
- It Takes Two by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock
- Potholes In My Lawn by De La Soul
- Supersonic by J.J. Fad
Roast
Ok. Instead of picking who she wanted to roast her from the list of commenters, Tanis wimped out and drew names out of hat. Here are the ten bloggers that will be roasting her:Chicky Chicky Baby
Gaming With Baby
Her Bad Mother
Looneytunes
Mom-101
MotherBumper
Motherhood Uncensored
Tales From The Dad Side
Temporarily Me
Undomestic Diva
We'll be doing the roast via email and once everyone's done their bit, it will be posted here. Hope everyone enjoys it!
Song of the day: Supersonic by J.J. Fad
The Blogger Roast
Last night, I was watching a rerun of Comedy Central's roast of Bob Saget. I thought about how it would be pretty cool to be roasted. And then I got the idea to roast fellow bloggers.
So I floated the idea out there on Twitter to see if there was any interest. I'm used to having my tweets largely ignored, so imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only were people interested, but a couple of people even volunteered to be roasted.
(Of course, some may have misinterpreted my intentions. When I asked if anyone was interested in a Blogger Roast, some of you may have thought I was planning on cooking bloggers and serving them for dinner.)
I'm going to kick things off with Tanis from Attack Of The Redneck Mommy, who graciously accepted Undomestic Diva's invitation. She's a funny gal and I'm sure she'll be a good sport about it.
So if you're interested in roasting Tanis, leave a comment below. I'll be emceeing this and all future roasts. You'll be encouraged to take humorous shots at Tanis, your fellow roasters, and me. But since roasters are usually picked by the roasted, I'm going to let Tanis pick the roasters from the list of people who leave a comment.
So if you're interested, let me know in the comments. Please leave your email address (it's hidden from everyone else) so I can get back in touch with you. Thanks!
Song of the day: I Think I Love You by The Partridge Family
The Difference Between My Son And Daughter
The other night we had a major thunderstorm roll through our area. At one point, the vibration from the thunder knocked a picture off the wall.
As soon as Zoey heard that particular clap of thunder, she jumped into my arms like a cat, ready to claw out my eyeballs if the storm didn't come to an immediate stop.
Zed, on the other hand, ran to the window, signed "More," and shouted, "Agee! Agee!" (his word for again).
Song of the day: You're No Rock 'N' Roll Fun by Sleater-Kinney
Hair
On Thursday night, I did another one of my Twitter radio show things. This past week's show was dedicated to hair bands. Here's the playlist in case you missed it:
- Talk Dirty To Me by Poison
- Summertime Girls by Y&T
- The Lumberjack by Jackyl
- Untied And True by Bang Tango
- Changes by Tesla
- Still Of The Night by Whitesnake
- Kid Ego by Extreme
- Turn Up The Radio by Autograph
- Heaven by Warrant
- Youth Gone Wild by Skid Row
- Round And Round by Ratt
- Winds Of Change by The Scorpions
- November Rain by Guns N' Roses
- Seventeen by Winger
- Sister Christian by Night Ranger
- Burning Like A Flame by Dokken
- Rock And Roll All Nite by Kiss
- Fly High Michelle by Enuff Z'nuff
- Cum On Feel The Noize by Quiet Riot
- Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard
- Living After Midnight by Judas Priest
- Fly To The Angels by Slaughter
- Hot For Teacher by Van Halen
- Once Bitten, Twice Shy by Great White
- Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue
This Thursday's theme will be rap music. You can follow me on Twitter if you're interested.
If you have any suggestions for themes for upcoming shows, please leave them in the comments. I'm also still searching for a name for this thing, so if you can think of anything, leave it in the comments.
Song of the day: Summertime Girls by Y&T
Summer Vacation Repost: How Dr. Seuss Screwed Up My Life
I know this post is only six months old and most of you have already read it, but it's seldom I write something on this site that I'm actually proud of and think is worth reading. This is one of those posts.
How Dr. Seuss Screwed Up My Life
As darkness approaches and it's time to sleep,My small mind starts to race with thoughts that are deep.
"Why are we all here and from where did we come?
Why are some so happy while some are so glum?"
And onward I wrestle these thoughts in my head
Instead of sleeping soundly, snug in my bed.
My thoughts turn to me; I become quite critical.
"How did I end up so jaded and cynical?"
Was it my parents, my friends, or my teachers?
My colleagues, my foes, my lovers, my preachers?
I'll tell you, I'll tell you who did this to me:
'Twas that wily Dr. Seuss (as soon you will see)!
With books full of wonderment, books full of fun,
Books with the craziest things under the sun,
Books with the coolest illustrations you'll see.
Like a drug, I was hooked when I was still wee.
His tales of Loraxes, elephants, and cats
Wockets, Sneetches, and boys with too many hats
Oh, the places I went! Oh, the things I saw!
His books and his drawings filled me with great awe.
But then recently I reentered his world,
Telling his stories to my boy and my girl.
I reread those old tales and found their true meanings
I found myself in need of soul and mind cleanings.
I blame Dr. Seuss for turning out this way!
I know others will laugh, while others will say,
"The Cat In The Hat did not make you aloof!"
If you still don't believe me, here is my proof:
Title: Horton Hatches The Egg
Lesson Learned: If you're nice to people, they will take advantage of you.
Title: McElligot's Pool
Lesson Learned: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a moron to fish and he's better off eating the worm.
Title: Thidwick, The Big-Hearted Moose
Lesson Learned: See Horton Hatches The Egg. But unlike Horton, you can get those who took advantage of you killed in the end. Rock!
Title: If I Ran The Zoo
Lesson Learned: If you have big dreams, make sure you find some unlucky bastard to do all the hard work for you.
Title: Scrambled Eggs Super!
Lesson Learned: It's okay to steal the eggs of the world's rarest (and probably nearly extinct) birds to make a really big omelet. Excuse me. Scrambled Eggs Super-Dee-Dooper-Dee-Booper, Special de luxe à-la-Peter T. Hooper.
Title: On Beyond Zebra!
Lesson Learned: Illiteracy.
Title: The Cat In The Hat
Lesson Learned: It's perfectly fine to invite complete strangers into your home when no one's around. Just don't tell Mom!
Title: Happy Birthday To You!
Lesson Learned: All the birthday parties I've ever had have sucked in comparison to those thrown in Katroo.
Title: Green Eggs And Ham
Lesson Learned: If you bug someone long enough, they'll give in and do whatever you want.
Title: The Sneetches
Lesson Learned: Everyone wants to be like the popular people. If you can find a way to make this happen, you will become very rich.
Title: The Zax
Lesson Learned: Never give in!
Title: Too Many Daves
Lesson Learned: George Foreman should have read this book.
Title: What Was I Scared Of?
Lesson Learned: Don't go out after dark.
Title: I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew
Lesson Learned: You'll find troubles wherever you go, so it's best to take them out with a big-assed bat.
Title: I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today!
Lesson Learned: It's okay to talk shit as long as you don't have to back it up.
Title: The Glunk That Got Thunk
Lesson Learned: A child's imagination is a dangerous thing. Let them watch television instead.
Title: Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?
Lesson Learned: That Police Academy dude ain't got nothing on Mr. Brown.
Title: The Lorax
Lesson Learned: The best way to deal with environmental activists is to ignore them. Eventually they get bored protesting, pick themselves up by their asses, and float away.
Title: There's A Wocket In My Pocket!
Lesson Learned: Find a good exterminator.
Title: Hunches In Bunches
Lesson Learned: Make sure all your multiple personalities are in agreement before deciding to do anything.
Title: The Butter Battle Book
Lesson Learned: Destroy everyone who is different from you.
Title: Oh, The Places You'll Go!
Lesson Learned: False hope.
Song of the day: Pets by Porno For Pyros
Summer Vacation Repost: Hell's Internet Cafe
Still on vacation, so here's another one from the archives. It was originally posted on November 15, 2006 (Hmm... All three of the posts I've run this week are from 2006. Apparently, I peaked in 2006.) and is about visiting the world's strangest Internet Cafe.
Hell's Internet Cafe
A few months ago, we went on vacation. At the time I didn't have a laptop, so I needed to find an Internet Cafe. The condo's concierge told me of several kiosks, but since I didn't feel like standing and accessing the web in the middle of a dirt mall, I went to check out the area's sole cafe.Before that fateful day, I had never been to an Internet Cafe. In my mind, an Internet Cafe was hip and clean with soft indie music pumping through the speakers. They also served coffee and plenty of pastries.
I couldn't have been further from the truth.
When I reached the location, I said to myself, "This can't possibly be it." I looked at the slip of paper where the concierge had scribbled the address, then at the building, then at the paper. I was at the right place.
I was parked in front of an old Surf Shop, the kind where you can get twenty-eight beach t-shirts for $1.99. On the awning, the words "POKER POKER POKER" were spray painted over the Surf Shop's logo. The windows of the place were covered with black vinyl.
When you roll with me, life's nothing but five-star joints.
When I walked into the place, it was like walking into those tiny unventilated rooms they have at the airport where the poor smokers are packed like carcinogenic sardines. Or don't those rooms exist anymore? It's been a long time since I've flown anywhere.
I looked around and noticed I was the only person in the place under sixty. At 11:00 PM in a vacation town! Didn't these grandmas and grandpas have to get up early in the morning to splash in the surf with their grandkids? It was as if I had hopped on the midnight bus to Atlantic City.
They were all playing video poker on computers. I started to turn around and leave when the crusty old manager came up to me and huffed, "Can I help you?"
"I thought this was an Internet Cafe."
"It is."
"It is?"
"It is."
"Ok. I'd like to use the Internet, please," I told the man. He took me over to one of the computers, clicked a few keys, and pulled up IE. "You want a Pepsi or something?" he asked. I knew that he wanted me to say, "No," so I obliged.
I checked my email and took care of some other business. After thirty minutes, I was done so I checked out the history in the browser (You know you do it too. It's like checking out someone's medicine cabinet.). What did I find?
Sites like Satan Is My Hero and Devil's Playground. About ten of them in total. Hell yeah!
The next day, I received a phone call from one of my clients, so I had to return to the "cafe" that evening. This time, a young, skinny, stringy-haired guy was running the place. He chatted with me for awhile (he was probably just grateful to see someone that wasn't old enough to be his grandfather) before he returned to his computer. A few minutes later I turned around to ask if they had a printer (ha!) when I noticed he was looking at a site plastered with pentagrams.
So if you're planning on taking a vacation and need an Internet Cafe filled with old folks and run by a Satanist, drop me a line. I'll give you directions.
I have been meaning to write about this for some time, but I've been slightly afraid. I've learned over the years it's not a good idea to piss off Satanists, no matter how young and warm and fuzzy they may seem to be. I mean, most of them are just misguided Goths, right? But you never know when one of the young Satanists might decide to take off the training wheels and go for a real spin.
Song of the day: Man I Hate Your Band by Little Man Tate
Summer Vacation Repost: Another World Is What We've Found
Still on vacation. This post was originally posted on September 26, 2006. It's about my love of county fairs.
Another World Is What We've Found
Confession time: I have always been a big fan of carnivals and county fairs.Having spent most of my life in smaller towns, I appreciate county fairs. When the fair rolled into town, it was like, "Hey! We know your one-carriage town is boring 360 days out of the year. Let us take you to another place."
And I did. I would attend the fairs every night they were in town. I would stand in the shadows, absorbing the rhythms of the barkers and the hucksters, the lights of the midway, and the stench of cotton candy. I was in my element.
When I was in middle school, I dreamed of running away and joining the carnival. I had romantic visions of traveling in a caravan from town to town, eagerly separating the townsfolk from their hard-earned money. I would fantasize about playing mumbly peg and drinking moonshine around the campfire with The Dog Boy and The Missing Link and losing my virginity to The Bearded Lady.
Everyone has dreams. Mine are just lamer than most.
See, while most kids my age were wasting their time building model airplanes and other such nonsense, I would pore over volumes of Ripley's Believe It Or Not!. I was deeply fascinated with the illustrations of the human oddities. It's truly a wonder I didn't try to drive a railroad spike through my skull so I could be "one of them." And I would scour the county fairs of my youth, desperately seeking freaks like those from the pages of my books.
No luck.
On Friday evening, I took Zoey and Zed to their first county fair. It was the second Friday for the fair and there were a lot of intercity football rivalries that evening, so I expected a low turnout. I was correct. Basically, there were three types of people present at the fair on Friday evening:
- Families with small children. We were not alone.
- Emo kids that would've probably gotten their asses kicked if they had shown up at their school's football game.
- Twenty-to-thirtysomething hipsters, alternately mocking and embracing the carnival kitsch.
Zoey even won a toy trumpet! Most of the children in attendance had a toy trumpet. It made a sound like a dying whale. A LOUD dying whale. A weak puff of air into the instrument would produce a 90-decibel blast.
Now imagine several hundred children blowing these horns in unison. It was maddening. But much like the Pied Piper, they did succeed in driving the hipsters from the carnival. So the trumpets weren't entirely a nuisance.
Unfortunately, I didn't spot any freaks (other than my fellow attendees). But there's another fair a few towns away that starts on Friday. And the state fair is next month. Hopefully, I'll finally get to see a freak or two (that isn't a fellow attendee).
Song of the day: Salvation by Rancid
Summer Vacation Repost: Sex And The Suburbs
I have decided to take a little vacation from my site this week. Instead of letting the weeds take over or recruiting talented writers to post for me as I did back in June, I'm going to be posting some of my older stuff this week. But don't think of it as laziness; think of it as summer reruns.
Ok. It's laziness.
Sex And The Suburbs
Originally posted January 4, 2006I know a lot of stay-at-home dads have trouble fitting in with the moms in their children's playgroups or blending in on the playground. But as much as I may gripe about double standards, I really do have the best of both worlds.
In my neighborhood, I spend more time with the wives than I do with the husbands. We'll chat while the kids play. Then the guys come home from work and I put on my Guy Hat and we start talking about sports. My Mondays this fall were spent having coffee in the morning with the moms from Zoey's preschool class followed by Monday Night Football in the evening with the neighborhood guys.
I'm lucky. While I'm one of the guys, it also seems I'm one of the girls. They act very comfortable around me.
Sometimes, a little too comfortable.
Last week, Zoey, Zed, and I attended a brunch with most of the kids (and their moms) in Zoey's preschool class at the home of one of the moms. There's no way I would invite fifteen kids into my home. Unless I was looking to collect insurance on it.
It was nice. She had hired two babysitters to watch the children (except Zed; there was no way I was letting some teenager watch my boy. I've mentioned I'm neurotic, right?) while the moms (and me) ate brunch and chatted.
So the moms and I were sitting at the table when Woman #1 began talking about her daughter co-sleeping with her and her husband. Woman #2 asked, "What does that do to your sex life?"
I looked at Woman #1, expecting to find her blushing. But no, Woman #1 answered back! In front of me! And with her answer came the great unlocking of a sexual Pandora's Box as all the women began talking about sex.
Seriously, I felt like I was sitting in the cafe in Sex And The City.
Question: does that make me Stanford?
I'm thinking, Hello! Y-Chromosome present! But they didn't stop. As I began eyeing the table, searching frantically for a pencil or something sharp to jam into my ear canals, their conversation grew more graphic.
Look. I'm not a prude. I'm just extremely shy and uncomfortable in social situations. I'm uncomfortable enough in my own skin, let alone in a group of people, let alone in a group of women, let alone in a group of women talking about sex. I was trying to think of a way to steer the conversation over to sports (which is my modus operandi when I can't add anything to a conversation), when I realized I had the ultimate Get Out Of Jail Free card.
Zed!
I got up, excused myself, and Zed I headed to another room for a diaper change.
His, not mine.
Song of the day: When I'm Dead And Gone by Fury In The Slaughterhouse
120 Minutes
MTV began when I was eleven. It was my lifeline, my crack. I had always loved music and MTV was a station that played songs I couldn't hear on the radio. I couldn't get enough of it at first; I would watch it every day after I got home from school until my parents threatened to throw the television out the window. I experienced the same feeling when I discovered Napster back in the day. Only I couldn't load MTV on my Walkman.
When I was sixteen, MTV started something called 120 Minutes. It was two hours of alternative music (back then, it really was alternative music). I taped and watched 120 Minutes and Headbangers Ball until I was twenty-four or so. By then, I knew plenty of college radio stations, clubs, and people who shared the same musical tastes as I did, so I broke up with the two of them.
But they'll always hold a soft spot in my heart.
On Thursday night, I did a two-hour Twitter music show that showcased the type of music one would find on 120 Minutes back when we were still lovers: alternative hits of the 80s and early 90s. Here's the playlist if you're interested:
- Radio Free Europe by REM
- Take The Skinheads Bowling by Camper Van Beethoven
- Bikini Red by The Screaming Blue Messiahs
- Nothing Bad Ever Happens by Oingo Boingo
- Dear God by XTC
- Life Is Shit by The Dead Milkmen
- Tell That Girl To Shut Up by Transvision Vamp
- Kiss Them For Me by Siouxsie & The Banshees
- Pulling Mussels (From The Shell) by Squeeze
- I'm An Adult Now by The Pursuit Of Happiness
- Grey Cell Green by Ned's Atomic Dustbin
- Put Your Hand Inside The Puppet Head by They Might Be Giants
- That's A Lie by Too Much Joy
- Deep Blue by Fetchin' Bones
- Head On by The Jesus And Mary Chain
- Divine Thing by The Soup Dragons
- Five Stop Mother Superior Rain by The Flaming Lips
- Veronica by Elvis Costello
- Victoria by The Fall
- Turning Japanese by The Vapors
- Baby's Coming Back by Jellyfish
- Classic Girl by Jane's Addiction
- Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies
- Blue Sky Mine by Midnight Oil
- God Is A Bullet by Concrete Blonde
- Under The Milky Way by The Church
- Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order
- Girlfriend In A Coma by The Smiths
- What You Do To Me by Teenage Fanclub
- Kool Thing by Sonic Youth
- 68 Guns by The Alarm
- Birth, School, Work, Death by The Godfathers
Song of the day: Bikini Red by The Screaming Blue Messiahs
God Is A Marketing Genius
There was a time when God could pack the pews without breaking a sweat.
But due to extensive touring, the lack of any new material to promote, and competition from false idols (Obama, Wipeout, Jonas Brothers, etc.), those days are long gone.
So what's a God to do?
At first, He tried posting witty sayings/proverbs/puns outside his concert halls. Stuff like "What's missing from chch? U R!" But that only resulted in a lot of eye-rolling from His most jaded fans.
So He took a cue from Madonna and reinvented Himself. He took certain aspects of popular culture and repurposed them for His act. He started serving Starbucks at certain tour stops. He held special shows near lakes or at sunrise. He placed references to American Idol, Survivor, and other Middle American delights in some of His lyrics.
But it was still not enough.
So what does God have up His sleeve now?
Nothing! God's not wearing sleeves!
Or little else, for that matter:
Song of the day: Tenderness by General Public
I Can Now Add Camp Counselor To My Curriculum Vitae
Lest you think I'm a total cheapskate, we did enroll Zoey in a week-long summer camp.
Ok. It was actually Ella who pushed for this. But at least I didn't go into it kicking and screaming and threatening to set the checkbook on fire.
The camp was at a kids' gymnasium and it was a disorganized mess. Basically, the kids just ran around a lot, tumbled, and used the equipment while the soundtrack from High School Musical played in the background. Every once in awhile, they would stop to have a snack or do a really lame and poorly planned "craft."
On the first day of camp, the counselors decided to take the kids to the library across the street. Since the two counselors had nineteen kids from the ages of four to eight, they asked me if I wanted to tag along (i.e. help). The three of us managed to herd the children across the four-lane road without any casualties. I considered this a major success.
Once we were inside, one of the counselors went to look for some books while I went into the reading room with the other counselor and the kids. After what seemed like an eternity, the other counselor came back in and said, "I don't know what kind of books kids like to read."
Nice.
So I went to pick out some books while the other counselor tried to find some books. I went back into the room and handed them to the counselor. A little girl came up to the counselor and said, "Mr. Jim, I have to go to the bathroom." The counselor looked at me and said, "Do you want to take her?"
Um? Hell no!
Visions of lawsuits danced in my head as I tried to figure a way out of the mess (note to self: you really need to find something to do while your kids are at school so you don't find yourself in situations like these).
"How about I read to the kids while you take her to the bathroom?" I proposed. He agreed.
Seriously, though. If you were a parent and paid good money to send your kid to summer camp, would you want some guy you didn't even know (and one that the counselors didn't know, either) to take your daughter to the bathroom? Me neither.
So I read a few books to the class. We then headed back across the four-lane road (once again, no casualties) to the gym. Needless to say, I stayed at the camp for the rest of the week just to make sure they weren't enlisting homeless people to help teach the class.
On Friday, I received a call from the gymnasium wanting to know if we were interested in signing up for another week. Only I wasn't sure if they wanted Zoey or me.
Song of the day: Waiting Room by Fugazi
I Should Probably Think Of A Name For This
Because I enjoyed my first gig as a fake DJ so much, I did another show on Twitter on Thursday night. I upped my stamina a bit and lasted ninety minutes this time. Here's the playlist in case you're interested:
Theme: K-BILLY's Super Sounds of the Eighties Weekend
- Rock Me Amadeus by Falco
- Brass In Pocket by The Pretenders
- Hold Me Now by Thompson Twins
- Bring On The Dancing Horses by Echo & The Bunnymen
- Space Age Love Song by A Flock Of Seagulls
- New Year's Day by U2
- Only You by Yaz
- Life In A Northern Town by The Dream Academy
- A Million Miles Away by The Plimsouls
- Perfect Way by Scritti Politti
- Head Over Heels by Tears For Fears
- Burning Down The House by Talking Heads
- You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) by Dead Or Alive
- To Live And Die In L.A. by Wang Chung
- Missing You by John Waite
- Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
- Angst In My Pants by Sparks
- We Belong by Pat Benatar
- Rock This Town by Stray Cats
- And We Danced by The Hooters
- 99 Luftballoons by Nena
- Hazy Shade Of Winter by The Bangles
- Why Can't I Be You? by The Cure
I apologize to everyone for not giving any advance warning for this thing. In the future, I will try my best to give at least twenty-four hours notice. Ideally, I'll do it on the same time and same day every week, but stupid life sometimes gets in the way.
But as of right now, I'm going to try my best to do these things every Thursday night. If you're interested, you can follow me on Twitter. All future shows will be at least two hours long. And look for a new theme this week!
Blog The Recession
I'll admit it: I'm a slack reader. Most of the time I read people's blogs through Google Reader and will only click through to their sites if I have something helpful, interesting, or funny to say (i.e. almost never). Also, since I have a tendency to read late at night and most bloggers post in the mornings, I assume everything I want to add has already been added by someone else. Probably more eloquently.But by doing this, I am keeping money out of the pockets of the bloggers I love.
So it is for slackers like me that Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored created Blog The Recession, a time for people to click through links and view the sites of their favorite bloggers (and therefore, increase their ad revenue).
So for the month of August, I promise to click on every new post of every site I normally view in Google Reader. I will also click through to the sites of everyone who leaves comments on my site. Except for Whit, who is an ass that has installed something that crashes my computers (all three of them) when I visit his site. Damn Chagware.
Starting Monday.
I just got back in town and noticed my Reader has 400+ unread entries.
Song of the day: Life In A Northern Town by The Dream Academy
Hello. My name is Chag Holland. I am a major pop culture junkie and music lover. I like to photograph weird things. I am a conspiracy theorist and an amateur cryptozoologist. I am an avid sports fan and follow the Yankees, Panthers, and Tar Heels. I am a stay-at-home dad and have two wonderful children and one beautiful wife. I write about all this stuff.
