Live Blogging The 2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee

Twelve kids enter and only one kid leaves.

Actually, that's not entirely true. While there are twelve kids left in the Spelling Bee, the thing can actually end in a tie. That's what sucks about the Spelling Bee.

Motherbumper and I blogged the spelling bee live. Below is the transcript:

Motherbumper: Tom Bergeron?????
Cynical Dad: Oh God. Not this jerk.
Motherbumper: This is gonna be a loooooong night.
Cynical Dad: Yes.
Motherbumper: Now if it was Tom Berenger - now that would make for a kick ass night.
Motherbumper: Wow my feed is really choppy.
Cynical Dad: Ok. This is the most boring opening credits ever.
Cynical Dad: They need a cooler theme song.
Motherbumper: I feel like I'm about to be sold something - and it ain't education.
Motherbumper: is that kid asleep?
Motherbumper: Austin Pineda is asleep - I swear.
Cynical Dad: That's who I'm rooting for!
Motherbumper: He has the best haircut - that's for sure.
Motherbumper: Sidharth has a nice 'stache.
Cynical Dad: Be nice!
Motherbumper: bowdlerize: when one bogarts the bong.
Cynical Dad: You know, I wish they wouldn't show us the correct spelling so we could have a shot. Not that I have a chance.
Motherbumper: I'll be nice - I'm holding back I SWEARS.
Cynical Dad: Jeez. There's a word for that? Shamateurism? I thought that was called USC sports.
Motherbumper: HIGH FIVING DADS - whoot whoot.
Cynical Dad: Shawashingashanka? Is that who that guy just said was the favorite?
Cynical Dad: Tralatitous: in the beginning part of the definition, I thought we had another drug reference!
Motherbumper: Are these words in English - I'm screwed.
Cynical Dad: And Austin is our first casulty! Figures, I was rooting for him.
Motherbumper: Hair twirling has been proven scientifically to help brain power - except in Austin's case - it's failing him.
Cynical Dad: Hell, I can't even spell casualty correctly.
Motherbumper: oreallyinhim?
Cynical Dad: That Song kid is going to vomit.
Motherbumper: Yup - he's gonna hurl - though I'm digging his voice - he's a total California kid all the freakin' way.
Motherbumper: Go Justin!
Cynical Dad: Yeah. I was thinking he sounds like Spicoli.
Motherbumper: I wish I had brought my thesauras - I wish I could spell thesauras.
Cynical Dad: This Kyle kid is tiny.
Motherbumper: Are you scared kyle?
Motherbumper: Nope.
Cynical Dad: Be nice to Rose.
Cynical Dad: She's out of breath. Did they make her run a few laps around the stage first?
Motherbumper: She probably just had a smoke. I'm convinced these are all just midgets - not children.
Cynical Dad: Basenji! I saw that movie when I was a kid!
Motherbumper: Can you define Missouri please?
Cynical Dad: Kavya Shivashankar. Here's where I have to make the obligatory joke about the kid practicing for the bee by spelling her name.
Cynical Dad: Her father devised her strategy? She speaks lovingly of his strategy? I smell a STAGE DAD!
Motherbumper: Oh yeah, if she had gone out on that he would make her change her name to Jane. Which would bring the family shame, lots and lots of shame.
Cynical Dad: Are the rules from Spelling Bee: The Musical or something?
Motherbumper: I do believe they are trying to make this SHOW BUSINESS!
Cynical Dad: Catherine looks angry.
Motherbumper: Go Cat - who looks like she is thinking "this is it - I really need this."
Cynical Dad: I don't think she's pleased with Huguenot.
Motherbumper: I'm washed up if I don't get this.
Motherbumper: I thought they said it was a French prostitute.
Motherbumper: But no - it was province.
Cynical Dad: Remer!
Motherbumper: HIS NAME IS REMER?
Cynical Dad: Wow. Reading at 18 months?
Motherbumper: He likes the way the X and the E were juxtaposed together? Oh sweet juju - he has spent a lot of time inside of lockers, hasn't he?
Cynical Dad: Digerati! No fair! Even I know that word!
Motherbumper: I was just not thinking the same thing.
Motherbumper: Oh now here is an angry one woman.
Cynical Dad: That's because he got digerati and she got caduceus.
Motherbumper: She is the cougar of the spelling bee.
Cynical Dad: I think everyone else is at Sex And The City.
Motherbumper: I'm going to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Meth after this.
Cynical Dad: Will Ferrell will show up for anything.
Motherbumper: He came for the opening of my mail this morning - for realz.
Motherbumper: Mono Goneutic - she was in my grade 8 class.
Cynical Dad: That's what kept me out of school for a month in the 8th grade.
Motherbumper: Ohhhhhh you got the goneutic disease?
Cynical Dad: But don't tell anyone!
Cynical Dad: Going through the dictionary seven times was FUN? Someone needs a bicycle.
Motherbumper: Someone needs a life - then a bike.
Cynical Dad: Cool Darth Vader mask! Sound effects!
Motherbumper: Her goal is to win this year? Wow, how unique.
Motherbumper: SPICOLLI IS BACK
Cynical Dad: Spicoli!
Motherbumper: Now this I can spell - I've seen enough of them.
Cynical Dad: Yeah, Rorschach isn't fair either.
Motherbumper: She is too freakin' happy that she knows that word. She is totally going to have her first public orgasm.
Cynical Dad: Rose is gonna win this thing.
Motherbumper: And there it is: Rose has become a woman
Motherbumper: NUMBNUTS?
Cynical Dad: Numnutz?
Motherbumper: OHHHHHHHH NUMNAH
Cynical Dad: This kid has a future in tv.
Motherbumper: That is a relief - well said Sameer - he's now my fav by far.
Cynical Dad: Numbnut? Oh Numnah! Will be on Sportscenter tonight.
Motherbumper: I can't believe they are recapping this Numb Nuts business. This is probably the most exciting thing that has happened in the Bee EV-ER!
Cynical Dad: Other than that one kid fainting, you're probably right.
Cynical Dad: What do you think Mr. Word Caller does the rest of the year?
Motherbumper: Bingo at the Legion.
Motherbumper: Ommateal - not just for breakfast anymore.
Motherbumper: THERE IS OVERTIME IN SPELLING BEES????
Cynical Dad: No.
Cynical Dad: I thought it could end in a tie. They go through x number of rounds.
Motherbumper: Phew
Cynical Dad: Remer!
Motherbumper: Ranunculacious - is there a shorter definition please?
Motherbumper: Sweet juju- the word is up on the screen and I still spell it wrong.
Cynical Dad: I thought he was going to bite it when he kept pausing.
Motherbumper: Yes that was a close one
Cynical Dad: Ok. I know Nietzschean too.
Motherbumper: Jahnavi - angry woman is back - and she gets Nietzchean.
Motherbumper: I think someone wants Jahnavi to win - she has gotten all the easy words.
Motherbumper: OHHHHHH WAIT NOOOOOOOOOOO Jahnavi is choking.
Cynical Dad: Ooh! They've been waiting all night to show the clock!
Motherbumper: Phewwwwwwwwww she made it.
Motherbumper: High fives all around.
Cynical Dad: An hour of this and they've only eliminated one kid. Time for the TOUGH words!
Cynical Dad: Damn! Do you see how big Samia's dictionary is (that's what she said)?
Cynical Dad: Favorite Movie: The Devil Wears Prada?
Motherbumper: Better than the Bee Movie (boooo hiss worst joke tonight Motherbumper).
Cynical Dad: Spicoli!
Motherbumper: Satyagraha? Wha?
Cynical Dad: Sorry. I fell asleep when they read the definition for that word.
Motherbumper: how many times can they volley this pronunciation back and forth?
Motherbumper: Ohhhhhhhh dude.
Cynical Dad: Dude!
Motherbumper: Noooooo Spicolli is out.
Cynical Dad: Now I can't make a Mr. Hand joke.
Motherbumper: We are going to have to pick on the girls.
Motherbumper: It's six girls to four boys now.
Cynical Dad: Make that three.
Motherbumper: Nooooooooo shorty is out!
Cynical Dad: My money's still on Rose.
Motherbumper: Oh here is breathy Rose
Motherbumper: fumagillin - amoebas can cause infections?
Cynical Dad: Ooh. I don't think Rose knows that one.
Cynical Dad: Douse her with water? Those Iyers know how to party.
Motherbumper: Now they are using a Peter Gabriel remix?
Motherbumper: Sweet. Numb Nutz is back!
Cynical Dad: He's just asking questions just to ask questions. You can tell he's got no idea how to spell it.
Cynical Dad: Or maybe I'm wrong.
Motherbumper: He was toying with us (they probably told him that this show needs drama).
Motherbumper: I love how some of these kids use imaginary writing pads to do their magic.
Motherbumper: They look crazy.
Motherbumper: Crazy smart like a fox!
Cynical Dad: Sidharth likes Bob Marley!
Cynical Dad: Ziarat? I think they're making that word up.
Cynical Dad: Have to remember that one for Scrabble.
Motherbumper: That is a triple word score if I ever saw one (I don't play scrabble). But if you had to spell in Candyland, I'd use that one for sure!
Cynical Dad: Catherine wants to be a film producer?
Motherbumper: Bogatyr - what I called my college roomate who never passed the joint.
Cynical Dad: I think they're making all the drug references to keep us interested.
Motherbumper: Catherine is perfecting that school marm look.
Motherbumper: TIMER IS UP!
Motherbumper: ohhhhhh will she make it in time?
Motherbumper: nooooooooooo and a girl is out.
Motherbumper: REEMER!
Cynical Dad: Lemel? Did he sing The Neverending Story?
Motherbumper: I had that 45 and the flip side had Lemel singing it in french - the neverending storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.
Cynical Dad: She's stalling.
Motherbumper: And the timer is back up - will she do it in time?
Motherbumper: Oh oh oh the clock.
Cynical Dad: She's sarcastic! My new favorite!
Motherbumper: And she's out.
Cynical Dad: And of course, she's gone.
Cynical Dad: I'm the kiss of death tonight.
Motherbumper: Every single one that you like gets booted.
Motherbumper: They are milking this numb nut thing for everything it's worth.
Cynical Dad: AND SO WILL WE!
Motherbumper: You bet we will numb nuts.
Cynical Dad: Ooh, numnah!
Cynical Dad: She's going to miss huapango.
Motherbumper: Huapango - what my college boyfriend yelled everytime he round home!
Motherbumper: NOOOOOOOOO she missed - now they are dropping like flies!
Cynical Dad: Rose is going to pass out this time. For sure!
Motherbumper: Rose's mom is going to flip if she misses this.
Cynical Dad: No more Rose!
Motherbumper: Ohhhhhh noooooooo Rose is out.
Cynical Dad: Who do we have left to root for? REMER!
Motherbumper: And that was the great equalizer - two boys, two girls.
Cynical Dad: Nacarat: also called spark. Bet he wishes he could just spell spark.
Motherbumper: Nacarat - the yummiest crayola crayon of them all - mmmmmmm nacarat.
Motherbumper: Stalling for time much?
Cynical Dad: Cool! Calling out Mr. Word Man!
Motherbumper: You just cursed the kid Chag.
Cynical Dad: Not this time!
Motherbumper: He was lucky that the kiss of chag didn't make him bleed a pool of nacarat blood.
Cynical Dad: You're going to say that word 37 times next week, aren't you?
Motherbumper: 38 actually.
Cynical Dad: Ecrase? Can she just say "e" for those e's with the accents over them?
Motherbumper: She should be made to do a little loop de loop with her finger to represent the accents.
Motherbumper: Oh no the dreaded clock is ticking.
Motherbumper: Noooooooooooooo she is out.
Motherbumper: And her name is now Jane Smith.
Cynical Dad: Hear that? She's the favorite for next year's bee.
Motherbumper: I'm writing it in my 2009 diary.
Cynical Dad: Sidharth seems to be freaking out over posaune.
Cynical Dad: Or not.
Motherbumper: I'm sorry - I just broke my imaginary pencil - can I have a new one please?
Motherbumper: That Sidharth kid is TENSE.
Cynical Dad: Emily?
Motherbumper: REEEEEMER!
Cynical Dad: Ooh, thymele.
Motherbumper: Yeah right - thymele - what is in the middle of my living room right next to my shrine to METALLICA.
Cynical Dad: Don't let us down, Remer!
Cynical Dad: Damn it!
Motherbumper: Noooooooooo he got it wrong!
Motherbumper: Numb Nuts is gonna take it - I can feel it in my non-existent nuts.
Cynical Dad: Oh yeah! I can't believe I forgot about Numb Nuts.
Motherbumper: How can you forget about the numb nuts darling of the show?
Motherbumper: For shame chag - your face should be a deep shade of nacarat right now.
Cynical Dad: Only 37 more to go!
Motherbumper: That was a freebie - I'll still work the word into every post I do for days to come.
Cynical Dad: Tomorrow, there will be 100 garage bands named Numnah or Numb Nuts. Or Ooh Numnah.
Cynical Dad: The Super List.
Motherbumper: I just got a chill - the super list.
Cynical Dad: See! Told you it could be a tie. That's bullshit!
Motherbumper: Come on Tia - you are representin' the girlhood.
Cynical Dad: She'll get it. Isn't she the one who read the dictionary 7 times?
Motherbumper: You bet your oxypholitic ass.
Cynical Dad: Sinicize. I like the sound of that word. Come on, Numb Nuts!
Motherbumper: Sinicise - i used to date only drummers but once I dated a sinicise player on a dare.
Cynical Dad: You know this poor kid is going to be called "Numb Nuts" for the rest of the school year, win or lose, right?
Motherbumper: Oh yes, he will forever be know as the boy who spelled Numb Nuts.
Motherbumper: Aptyalism - aka A HANGOVER.
Cynical Dad: Aptyalism! Silent p! Sidharth's screwed.
Motherbumper: Dang - he got the silent P - that kid is gooooooood.
Motherbumper: We are entering lucky round 13 - is this where they bring in the death cage match with rabid squirrels to you know, make the kids sweat?
Cynical Dad: They need to do something or they'll run really late. Then they won't be able to pimp Sex And The City on 20/20.
Motherbumper: And I'll miss the temple of crystal meth!
Motherbumper: 30,000 dollars to the winner! Holy frack.
Cynical Dad: I think it's cute that they still give encyclopedias to the winner. Why don't they just give them an 8-track, too.
Cynical Dad: Tia is starting to hyperventilate.
Cynical Dad: Ding!
Motherbumper: Oh nooooooze - but she's not necessarily out.
Cynical Dad: Sidharth vs. Numb Nuts.
Motherbumper: Bollywood is already all over this one.
Cynical Dad: Dude? Bollywood? Remember the target audience! I don't think half of my readers know what that is.
Motherbumper: Too highbrow?
Cynical Dad: Kulturkampf.
Cynical Dad: Bless you.
Motherbumper: Damn - you beat me to it.
Cynical Dad: I'm my own straight man.
Cynical Dad: DAMN!!!! SIDHARTH!!!!
Motherbumper: Oh my god these boys are IN THE ZONE!
Cynical Dad: Numb Nuts is nervous.
Motherbumper: NUMB NUTS IS IN THE HOUSE
Cynical Dad: Ooh. Sidharth breaking out the accent on introuvable.
Motherbumper: Oh yes, he's turned into Pepe,
Cynical Dad: Uh-oh. Numb nuts got rattled coming to the stage!
Motherbumper: But he recovered - he is totally mocking Sidharth and the pronunciation thing. I like this kid.
Cynical Dad: This is ending in a tie, isn't it?
Motherbumper: Yes it is.
Motherbumper: Or maybe not.
Motherbumper: Prosopopoeia - that's not a real word.
Cynical Dad: No. Even the definition sounded fishy as hell.
Motherbumper: DING!
Cynical Dad: Go Numb Nuts!
Motherbumper: Sidharth is confused.
Cynical Dad: He knows this word.
Motherbumper: He does - he is just toying with us.
Motherbumper: NUMB NUTS RULES THE SPELLING BEE!
Cynical Dad: CONGRATULATIONS NUMB NUTS!
Motherbumper: Go numb nuts - go have a drink on me.

I'd like to thank Motherbumper for joining me for the spelling bee (and for making that kick-ass graphic). I'd also like to thank everyone who dropped by, left a comment, and emailed. This was fun.

Song of the day: ABC by Jackson 5

Spring Cleaning

Stuff Only I Care About

After two years and nearly eighty entries, I have decided to stop writing my Stuff Only I Care About posts. And here's where all twelve of my readers yell, "WOO-HOO!"

Yeah, I know everyone hated those posts. Hell, some of you even emailed me and told me you hated them. But I'm stubborn. And truthfully, I liked doing those posts.

So while Stuff Only I Care About is dead, its spirit will live on

I really enjoyed sharing links to other people's sites via the Sunday Morning Hangover section. So if you look over at the far right corner, below the GLORIOUS ads, you'll see a "Stuff I'm Digging" header. That's the new Sunday Morning Hangover. It will be updated every time I find a new post to share. New link appears at the top of the list while the last link on the list will be removed. Got it?

If you look below the Stuff I'm Digging section, you'll see a section entitled "Current Infatuation." It means exactly what the name implies: a site/writer that I'm really into at the moment. Currently, I'm digging The Bloggess. She won me over several weeks ago but her recent post in which she photographed a Sasquatch had me swooning. I love monsters.

The Current Infatuation section will only be updated when I have a new infatuation.

Twitter

Over the weekend, I saw where Mr. Sounds Like Pony was pimping his Twitter account on his site. Fearing I was the last person on the planet without a Twitter account, I signed up. I've been using it to share music videos and sports and other crap, which are also things I wrote about in my Stuff Only I Care About posts (See? I told you its spirit would live on!). I'm also planning on using it to send bon mots to other users (planning is the key word here; first I'll need to find some wit). So far, I haven't twittered much, but I'm planning on using it more. So if you're interested, you can click here to follow me on Twitter.

<UPDATE>Some of you have the wrong idea. I didn't stop writing Stuff Only I Care About because people hated it. If anything, that would make me want to do it forever, because I'm kind of a jerk. I was doing it once a week and when it came time to write the post, I had to think about what I had seen and heard in the past week that I wanted to share with you guys. Sure, I could've written it down, saved it in a Word document, or had it tattooed it on my body like Leonard from Memento, but not only am I a jerk, I'm also lazy. But between the new sidebar and my plans for Twitter, I can post the stuff I usually wrote about in the Stuff Only I Care About section throughout the week. Just trying to make life easier for myself.</UPDATE>

More Live Blogging!

First, I blogged Super Bowl XLII live.

Then, I blogged The Oscars live. Only this one was much better because Motherbumper was along for the ride to provide funny and clever insight (something sorely lacking from the Super Bowl coverage).

In keeping with my tradition of live blogging only the biggest televised events, I am proud to announce that I will be live blogging the final rounds of the 2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee. It starts at 8:00 PM EDT tomorrow night, May 29th. If you're interested, do stop by!

And great news! Motherbumper will be here as well, so you know it won't suck.

And just for the record, I love the Spelling Bee nerds. I was one of them (only I never made it past the county competition).

Song of the day: Stardog Champion by Mother Love Bone

Special thanks to Natural Momma for reminding me how awesome Mother Love Bone was.

Chag Libs, Vol. V: Bounty Hunters, Scott Weiland, and Maggie Seaver

Only one more batch of questions after this set!

We'll start with Missy's questions:

1. What do you think of STP getting back together?
I love it. I never thought Scott Weiland was a good fit with Slash and the rest of Velvet Revolver. I love Weiland's 70s glam side, which was totally suppressed by Velvet Revolver.

STP never received the respect they deserved. Everyone was too busy fawning over Nirvana (rightfully so) and Pearl Jam (yuck).

2. When did you last get a good night's sleep?
If your definition of a good night's sleep is eight hours or more, the last time that happened had to have been when I was sick a few months back. I function fine after five hours or so a night, so I feel like I get a good night's sleep every night.

But if my body totally stops working when I turn forty, I guess I'll be proven wrong.

3. HD or Blu-ray? Why?
I guess I would have to go with Blu-ray since it won the DVD war. But I won't be investing in either format anytime soon. I can't remember the last time I watched a DVD that wasn't a children's DVD and while my DVD collection isn't massive, it's large enough that I wouldn't want to upgrade my movies for better resolution.

But then again, we don't have HDTV, either. So don't listen to me.

4. What did you think of Bill Belichick's comments on spygate?
It would appear that Bill Belichick has been misinterpreting the rules cheating since 2001. I still believe his one-game suspension was too light (should've been at least six games if not an entire season). But since Roger Goodell knew of these past indiscretions when he levied the fines and suspensions, there's nothing more to do. Even though Belichick won't publicly admit he was wrong, I think it's time to move on.

Now the allegations of his players practicing while on IR? That's an entirely different can of worms.

5. What's your favorite quilty pleasure?
Knit One, Pearl Two! Quilters in the house hollah!

My current guilty pleasure is the Big Taste Taco from Taco Bell. It has "crunchy red strips" and "creamy jalapeno sauce." And it's very yummy and cheap (99 cents).

Because sometimes I still eat like a college kid.

6. How would you deal with another baby?
I don't think I could deal with another baby unless I grew a third arm or an extra head. But then I'd be living the rock star life on the Freakshow Circuit, so it wouldn't matter.

7. Whom would you most like to see at OzzFest?
While I do enjoy some of the bands that have appeared at OzzFest (Sabbath, Pantera, Rob Zombie, and a few others), most of that stuff is too heavy for my taste. So I'd like to see an entirely different genre at OzzFest.

***

Here are Beastmom's questions:

1. What do you think of bounty hunters?
At one time, I thought it was a pretty cool gig. You get to carry a gun, capture fugitives, and kick in doors. Who wouldn't love to spend their days kicking in doors?

2. When did you last say, "I too should be a bounty hunter?"
It would have been before I watched HBO's Family Bonds and learned just how unglamorous the bounty hunter lifestyle really is.

3. Artificial turf or grass? Why?
Grass is safer for athletes, it's prettier, and if you have talented groundskeepers, they can mow some really cool designs in the grass.

But I would love to replace my grass with artificial turf.

4. What did you say to yourself when you first saw Ella?
"Do I really want to get involved with a stripper?"

Kidding!

I said something along the lines of "She's hot. I should go over and talk to her. She's looking over here. I should go over and talk to her. She just looked at me again."

"I hope she comes over and talks to me."

5. What's your favorite stretch of road to drive fast on?
School zones.

I'm a boring, law-abiding citizen. When I drive, I set the cruise control to 3-5 miles above the speed limit, so I'm never driving fast. I'm just too damn paranoid.

6. How would you get rid of a snake if one got in your house?
Does Animal Control charge money to get rid of animals? If so, I would probably arm myself with a broom and a trashcan and try to nudge the snake into the trashcan, and then set it free outside.

But then again, a few days ago I was ready to wrestle a water buffalo over $3.

7. Whom would you most like to whack with the Chuck E. Cheese Gopher-Mallet-Of-Death?
The founder of Chuck E. Cheese's.

***

Finally, it's Mandy's turn:

1. What do you think of Ultimate Fighting?
Not my scene. I'm not into ultimate fighting, boxing, or anything like that. Guess I got my fill of watching men punch each other from watching wrestling as a kid.

2. When did you last put your foot in your mouth?
Let's see… when did I last talk to someone?

I lack the filter that says, "Don't say that, dumbass!" whenever I'm about to say something stupid. This is one of the reasons I don't talk much.

3. Maggie Seaver or Mrs Keaton? Why?
Mrs. Keaton always seemed a little bit uptight. Maggie, on the other hand, looked like she'd be ready to go on the kitchen table.

4. What did you regret NOT doing in college/university?
Completing the final semester and a half needed to obtain my degree.

(And if I've lied to any/all/none of you about this, I'm sorry. I'm still ashamed that I was so close and failed to get my degree.)

5. What's your favourite vice (your own)?
Drinking.

6. How would you like to see George W Bush spending his retirement days?
I'd like to see him return to baseball. Maybe he could run the Red Sox?

7. Whom would you most like to sit down with you at a dinner party (living or dead)?
Living. Dead people would stink up the room.

***

Only one more of these left to do! Are you excited?

Song of the day: Never Say Never by Romeo Void

Hannah Montana Is A Gateway Drug

Be careful when you let your children watch Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana.

This is not a post condemning her Vanity Fair photo spread. More power to her! I've been after Vanity Fair to post topless photos of me for years but they've yet to return my calls. Bastards.

Awhile back, I started letting Zoey watch Hannah Montana. While she enjoys the show (she watches it about once a week but I'm always nearby with my hand on the remote, ready to act if things get out of hand (kissing, inappropriate language, kissing, etc.)), she's more into Hannah's music. Recently, we started watching some of Hannah's videos on YouTube. Then we branched out to High School Musical numbers and other songs she has heard on Radio Disney.

Well, she has digested all those dance moves from YouTube, processed them with her five-year-old brain, and has come up with her own dance routines.

And now my daughter dances like a stripper.

The end.

GHS: 7

Footnote: It's been a long time since the wife and I have been to a drag show, so what I'm about to ask could very well be common practice, but wouldn't Fabulous from High School Musical 2 be a perfect song for a drag queen to sing at a show?

Song of the day: I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor

Chag Libs, Vol. IV: Cheese, Will Shortz, and 21 Jump Street

Are you tired of me yet?

Here are some questions from Velma:

1. What do you think of Anthony Bourdain?
I had no idea who Anthony Bourdain was until you posed this question. Still don't, other than he hosts a show on The Discovery Channel and is apparently a pretty good cook. Or is that not who you were asking about?

2. When did you last read a book that was so good you were bummed out when you finished it?
I can't recall ever feeling that way about a book (or a movie). Maybe I haven't been reading the right stuff?

3. Chicken or egg? Why?
Chickens are tastier.

If you're asking me which came first, it's the egg (but not a chicken egg). A pterodactyl and a velociraptor fell in love and had a very strange-looking baby.

4. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A rock star. Ever since I was three.

But since I was a poor singer, an even worse musician, and was terrified of performing on stage, it wasn't meant to be.

When I did sing in bands, I would pace back and forth, looking at the floor the entire the time. Awesome stage presence!

5. What's your favorite Terrence Trent D'Arby song?
If You All Get To Heaven. Anyone remember the 21 Jump Street episode that featured this song?

6. How would you spend two weeks on your own?
Missing my wife and kids.

On Day Fourteen!

Seriously, I don't think I could spend two weeks on my own. Four days, tops.

But if I had four days to spend on my own, I would rent a remote cabin and fish all day to clear my head. And by remote I mean there has to be a Target within ten miles. And by cabin I mean a hotel room with cable. And by fish all day I mean hang out in strip clubs fish all day.

7. Whom would you most like to emulate?
Will Shortz. Dude edits the crossword for The New York Times and is the Sudoku God. Cool gig.

***

And here are some more from Jef:

1. What do you think of Jenna and Barbara Bush?
Up until a few days ago when Jenna Bush got married, I thought the Bush girls were being held in Buffalo Bill's pit. During the first year or so of Bush's presidency, it seems they were in the news every other week. And then POOF! They vanished.

But I think they've done quite well. These girls were nineteen years old when their father became President. This is a time when most of us start figuring out who we really are. Nineteen was difficult enough for me and I didn't have the added pressure of the Secret Service trailing my every move.

2. When did you last have to pee?
Ten minutes ago. I have the bladder of a pregnant woman. I could get so much more done in a day if I wore Depends.

3. Britney or Lindsey? Why?
Lindsey. I have a thing for redheads, plus she's less crazy and is more talented. But that's like saying Richard Grieco has more talent than Peter DeLuise.

Wow! Two 21 Jump Street references in one post! That means I get to be the new President of the Johnny Depp Fan Club.

Do you know they're making a 21 Jump Street movie? Hollywood's Idea Well has officially run dry.

4. What did you last eat that made you fart?
My words.

5. What's your favorite cheese?
ALL! Cheese is the perfect food. I can't really pick a favorite. Do they make cheese-covered cheese?

The only reason I look forward to my weekly outings to the fancy-schmancy grocery store is because of all the free cheese samples.

Me: I had some really good cheese at the grocery store today. But it was seventeen bucks a pound!
Ella: Really?
Me: There was a little bowl next to it. I thought it was Worcestershire sauce, but I tried it and it was wine. Do people dip cheese in wine?
Ella: No. That's to give you an idea of how the cheese tastes with wine.

It's moments like this that make me realize I shouldn't leave the farm and travel into the Big City.

6. How would you hit on your wife if you didn't know her?
Hey baby! How'd you like to support me and my two kids?

I'd have her eating out of my hand!

7. Whom would you most like to have in your zombie shelter?
Albert Einstein, Steven Hawking, and Marilyn Vos Savant. By the time the zombies were finished eating their gigantic brains, I'd be 100 miles away.

***

And now it's Whit's turn:

1. What do you think of processed cheese food?
I think we should honor it on our money.

2. When did you last pee in the shower?
This morning. I'm all about multi-tasking.

3. Steak or tofu? Why?
Steak. Other than pizza, I don't eat things that end in vowels.

I also don't eat things that taste like tires.

4. What did you always want for Xmas?
A Red Ryder BB gun!

The one thing I wanted for Christmas that I never received was a Yamaha DX-7. All the bands in the early 80s had a DX-7. I guess two grand was too much money to spend on a synthesizer for a thirteen-year old. Hell, two grand is too much money to spend on anything for a thirteen-year old.

Maybe that's why I never became a rock star!

5. What's your favorite emo song?
All By Myself by Eric Carmen.

6. How would you like to be king for just one day?
I would give it all away to be with you.

7. Whom would you most like to vote off the island?
Me.

Song of the day: Runaway by Bon Jovi

Chag Libs, Vol. III: Orgies, George Clooney, And Beef Jerky

It's time for the third batch of questions! Try to contain your excitement.

Here are some questions from i-magine:

1. What do you think of the future of education in a nation that is rapidly becoming digitized?
Soon, kids will only need to learn how to read, write, and do simple math. Everything else can just be stored on their iMinds, which will be implanted at birth. They'll get upgrades every few years, but for the most part, they won't need to go to school because everything they need to know will already be stored on their brains' hard drives. We'll be able to send kids to work at six or seven. Suck on that, China!

All joking aside, the public education system frightens me. But to be fair, we have had nothing but good experiences thus far.

2. When did you last read an actual book, the print kind?
I'm currently reading Optimal Treatment For Children With Autism And Other Neuropsychiatric Conditions.
.
3. Begals or Toast? Why?
I don't really understand what you're asking me here. If you're asking me if I prefer bagels over toast, I'll have to pick toast because bagels are too chewy. If you're asking me if I prefer Bengals over toast, I'll have to pick Bengals because I'll watch any NFL game. If you're asking me if I prefer beagles over toast, I'll have to pick toast because beagles are too chewy.

4. What did you secretly say to yourself the first time you saw your child?
Holy Hell! Am I ready for this?

5. What's your favorite obscure movie?
The Beat. It's a movie from 1988 about a weird kid who starts attending a gang-ridden high school. He wins them over with his offbeat poetry.

I realize my description doesn't make you guys want to rush out and track this film down. But it's really good and fairly obscure (it's only received 85 votes on IMDB).

6. How would you spend Father's Day this year?
Breakfast (donuts) in bed, a trip to the zoo, maybe some time for myself to check out a few used CD and book stores, followed by some games with the family.

7. Whom would you most like to be stranded in an elevator with?
Any of the three following people would suffice:

1. The girl who was the inspiration for Aerosmith's Love In An Elevator.
2. George Clooney, so I could prove to him he's not the sexiest man alive.
3. An elevator repairman.
   

***

Here are some questions from FearandParentinginLasVegas:

1. What do you think of the Olympics in China? Do you not watch because of the Tibet thing, or do you watch to support an earthquake-ravaged country?
I won't be watching. I only care about professional and college football (and my interest in college football has waned over the years), college basketball, and professional baseball. I never watch the Olympics.

2. When did you last talk to your parents?
My father died many years ago. I talk to my mother every day on the phone and see her at least every two to three weeks.

3. Astrology or Numerology? Why?
I don't buy into any of that stuff.

4. What did you tell your daughter when you found out your son was autistic?
We told her the truth. We also told her that not everyone learns things the same way or at the same pace. We also told her that there would be times when he wouldn't want to play with her (of course, there are times when she doesn't want to play with him).

But she's beginning to notice the differences between her brother and other kids his age. She was complaining the other day that her brother couldn't say her name yet her friend's two-year-old brother could say her name. It breaks her heart.

5. What's your favorite way to distract your children so you can blog?
Put them to bed! I blog after they've gone to bed for the night, so they're not usually a distraction.

6. How would you convince Ella that an orgy was a good idea??
There's no chance of that happening. But to give myself even the slightest chance, in addition to filling her with liquor, my plea would have to begin with, "Honey, I have a week to live..."

7. Whom would you most like to see put in a torture chamber for 24 hours?
I feel like I've been torturing you guys the last few days with my sometimes flippant, sometimes serious, and seldom funny answers to these questions. Sorry about that.

But if I have to pick someone, I'll go with the Vice President because something tells me he'd enjoy it. At the very least, he'd probably be shouting out suggestions to his torturers.

***

Finally, here are Mom-101's questions:

1. What do you think of beef jerky?
It's tough and salty, just like me. Actually, I can't stand the stuff. Just like me!

But I will giggle when I hear the words turkey jerky.

2. When did you last cry?
Fairly recently. Last week, maybe?

3. Spiderman or Batman? Why?
Ok. Here's the answer that gets me kicked out of the Guy Club.

I don't really care for superheroes. I was never into comic books as a kid. I'll watch a superhero movie if it's late at night, nothing else is on, and I'm trying to fall asleep.

I believe the only superhero movie I've seen in the theaters was Batman (I don't have the best memory, so I may be mistaken). And that was only because I was a big Tim Burton fan.

4. What did you expect us to ask you that we didn't?
I was expecting more music-related questions. But maybe I've already run that subject into the ground. Or maybe I have crappy taste in music and nobody cares what I say about the subject.

So I'm going to pretend you asked me the following question: What's your favorite song right now?

Normally I loathe this band, but I'm really digging Coldplay's U2-Lite Viva La Vida. Damn you, iTunes commercials!

5. What's your favorite movie theater snack?
We sneak sodas and M&M's into the theater.

Bonus trivia: I don't like popcorn.

6. How would you like to lend me a million dollars?
Sure thing! But only if you give me two million dollars first.

7. Whom would you most like to make out with in the back of a movie theater, should spousal permission be granted?
My wife (hi, hon!).

Ok. She's gone.

You could ask me this question twenty times and get twenty different answers. But the first name that popped into my head was Scarlett Johansson.

***

We're halfway done! More to come tomorrow.

Song of the day: Sometimes She Cries by Warrant

Chag Libs, Vol. II: Sex Toys, Breastfeeding, And Ann Coulter

Ready for the second batch of questions? I'm going to pretend you said, "Yes."

Here are Jenny's questions:

1. What do you think of Neil Young?
I've always thought he was overrated. I do like a few of his songs, but for the most part, I don't see what the fuss is all about.

2. When did you last handle a sex toy?
Last weekend, when the kids and I were shopping for the perfect Mother's Day gift for Ella.

3. Allen Ginsberg or Jack Kerouac? Why?
Kerouac. High School Chag thought On The Road was the bee's knees. High School Chag was confused about a lot of things.

4. What did you do yesterday?
Celebrated Mother's Day. Due to a major illness in our household, festivities were put on hold for a week. We also visited our mothers and celebrated with them.

5. What's your favorite b-movie?
Ok. My definition of B-movie may differ from yours. When I think B-movie, I think of Plan 9 From Outer Space. That's the standard, right? But what else falls in the B-movie category? Movies with bad acting and no budget?

If that's the case, most of my favorite movies probably fall under this category since I'm a big fan of 80s horror flicks. Stuff like Friday The 13th, April Fool's Day, Halloween, and My Bloody Valentine (just pick a date or a holiday and if there's a horror movie related to it, there's a damn good chance I'm a fan).

But I can't pick a favorite horror movie. That's like asking me to choose between my kids.

6. How would you survive in the desert?
I wouldn't. I'm a delicate little flower. I don't do well with heat. Within thirty minutes, I would probably be stripping off my clothes and begging the vultures to put me out of my misery.

7. Whom would you most like to smoke pot with?
Willie Nelson. You know he's got some good stories to tell (dude smoked a joint on the roof of the White House!). Plus you know he can get you the really good shit.

Or maybe Snoop Dogg.

***

Here are Surfer Jay's questions:

1. What do you think of breastfeeding a three year old?
I believe that as long as you're not messing up my world or harming others, you should be able to do whatever you want. That said, if I were a woman, I doubt I'd still be breastfeeding when my child is three. But that's probably because I'd be spending all my free time fondling myself.

2. When did you last lie to your son about his art work?
I have never lied to my son about his art work. He is not much for the visual arts: he does not like crayons, paints, and all that jazz. He's a musician.

But I have lied to my daughter plenty of times about her art work. When she was a toddler, I couldn't tell what the hell she was drawing half of the time. But now she's really developed into quite the little artist.

3. Whiskey or Vicodin for teething pains? Why?
We were lucky: neither of our kids experienced much discomfort when teething. Other than a few doses of Tylenol, the process was pretty painless.

4. What did you call your stepmother (under your breath) the first time you got into an argument with her?
Once again, I've been very lucky. I have never gotten into an argument with my mother-in-law (I'm assuming you meant mother-in-law and not stepmother).

5. What's your favorite blog to send messages to under another name?
Considering Chag is neither my real name or a nickname, I comment on all blogs under another name. If you're asking if I have yet another fake identity that I use for a separate set of blogs, the answer is no. I haven't become that crazy.

Yet.

6. How would you rate your parenting skills, when your wife wasn’t in the room listening?
Fair to middling, whether she was in the room or not.

Nah, I like to think I'm doing a pretty good job on most days.

7. Whom would you most like to throw a soiled diaper at?
Ann Coulter.

***

Finally, here are Sarah's questions:

1. What do you think of ________?
It was bad enough when celebrities were the only ones ________. But now it seems like everybody is ________. Hell, I've seen a few kids ________ at my daughter's elementary school. Can you believe that? Little kids ________! I'd like to find the guy who started ________ and beat him with a stick.

Sorry. This is a sore subject with me. ________ really pisses me off.

(Um, Sarah? You forgot to fill in the blank.)

2. When did you last see a live band play?
In February I saw a children's band play. Does that count? No?

Then I really can't remember the last time I saw a live band play. It's been far too long, though.

3. Red or white wine? Why?
Neither. I don't like wine.

4. What did you do for a living before kids?
Web crap. But I had a nice office and not a cubicle!

Basically, I wrote scripts to improve functionality in the company's online catalog, created search applications, administered the database, blah, blah, blah. I could go on, but I'm probably already boring you.

5. What's your favorite tv show (ever)?
NewsRadio.

Soap would be a close second.

6. How would you explain periods to a four year old?
I wouldn't. That's Mom's job.

7. Whom would you most like to fight?
It would have to be someone smaller and frailer than me because I wouldn't want to lose.

Tom Cruise?

Webster?

A three-year old?

There you go! See you next time.

Song of the day: Wait by White Lion

Chag Libs, Vol. I: Yoko Ono, Helper Monkeys, And Flossing

First of all, thanks for the questions. I'm planning on tackling three sets of these questions at a time. I'll still have normal posts here and there, but I'll try my best to answer all the questions as soon as possible. And if you haven't had a chance to ask your questions and would like to do so, just click here, read the instructions, and leave a comment. Just remember: if you ask a fool a question, you'll get a foolish answer.

Let's kick things off with some questions from Jozet:

1. What do you think of Yoko Ono?
Never really got her. I know some people think she's a gifted artist and all that, but she never did anything for me.

2. When did you last roller skate?
While roller skating when I was four, I slipped, hit my neck on the railing, and ended up in the hospital for ten days. Damn near broke my neck.

But that didn't prevent me from going to the roller rink countless times while I was in middle school. I was all about The Couples' Skate.

So to answer your question, I probably haven't roller skated since seventh or eighth grade. I was always more into skateboarding.

3. The Who or The Stones? Why?
If we're comparing bodies of work, the Stones win hands down. But if I compared my five favorite Who songs against my five favorite Stones songs, I would have to give the nod to The Who. A Quick One While He's Away is one of my all-time favorite songs.

4. What did you look like in fifth grade?
Shorter. But still sexy as hell.

5. What's your favorite mob movie?
I know the answer's supposed to be The Godfather, but my favorite mob flick is Goodfellas. Incredible story, dialogue, action, directing, and acting.

6. How would you like your martini?
To taste like a beer.

7. Whom would you most like to trade places with for 24 hours?
Someone who's better, stronger, and faster at answering questions than I am. The Six-Million Dollar Question Answerer.

Speaking of The Six Million Dollar Man: if you had six million dollars to rebuild someone, wouldn't you spend it on a Green Beret, an Olympic runner, or a ninja? Why the hell would you spend that money to rebuild an astronaut? Monkeys can fly into space.

***

Ok. So that wasn't too painful. Next up are Delmer's questions:

1. What do you think of artificial sweeteners?
They make my diet sodas oh-so-yummy!

2. When did you last floss?
Twenty minutes before my last dental appointment.

3. Waxed or unwaxed floss? Why?
Whatever the dentist gave me at my previous appointment. Waxed, I think.

4. What did you last spill on yourself?
A Diet Pepsi on my lap while taking my son to school. When I walked him into class, it looked like I had pissed myself.

Sometimes, my life is like a bad sitcom.

5. What's your favorite blog written by a guy named Delmer?
Easy question! What's A Delmer Look Like? is everyone's favorite blog written by a guy named Delmer.

6. How would you open a open a bottle of Heineken if you didn't have a bottle opener (or other tool specifically designed to open beer bottles)?
I would hand it to my helper monkey. What good is he if he can't open a simple bottle of Heineken?

7. Whom would you most like to see as next president?
Me.

But all kidding aside, I'd like to see Hillary Clinton as the next president (I do think she should drop out of the race, though).

And that was when everyone called him an asshole and stopped reading Cynical Dad.

***

Finally, here are the answers to Ryan's questions:

1. What do you think of the fact that you're a fan of horrible, horrible sports teams?
I think you are mistaken, sir. I am a fan of the New York Yankees, the University of North Carolina Tar Heels, and the Carolina Panthers. I don't follow the NBA, NHL, or any other secondary sport.

I will admit the Yankees have been stinking up the joint lately. But they're notoriously slow starters. And Posada and A-Rod have been out forever. And they all need to ask Jobu to take fear from bats. And Girardi took away their candy.

Need more excuses? I can go on and on and on.

2. When did you last let your heart decide? (sorry. Disney song popped into my head)
At the polls when voting for a bond that I knew would raise my property taxes. My head said, "No! That'll take money from your pocket!"

3. Beer or Sex? Why?
Sex. I can always buy a beer. While I can also buy sex, it's a hell of a lot more expensive.

And my wife has no problem with me buying a six-pack.

4. What did you do when you first found out Ella was pregnant the first time?
I packed my bags.

No, seriously. She took the test. We celebrated. Then I packed my bags because we were leaving for vacation later that day (but we did stop and buy several more tests, just to make sure).

5. What's your favorite time of the year?
Halloween and the days leading up to it.

6. How would you want to be remembered after your death?
As something more than just that creepy stuffed guy on display in the corner of my living room.

7. (I couldn't think of anything good for question 7 so I made up my own.) If you could tell Past-Chag from 10 years ago anything, what would you tell him?
I would tell him to get married tomorrow and start having kids now! Because I'd be a few years younger and have a little more energy than I do now. I'd also tell him to buy lots of Google and Apple stock.

Ok. That's the end of the first round of questions. More to come!

Song of the day: Calling On You by Stryper

Chag Libs

You may have noticed things have been a bit slow around here lately. I need a kick in the ass, something to clear my mind.

And that's why I'm stealing this from TwoBusy. He's the guy who rose above the competition and won the Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge. He has yet to receive his glorious prizes because I am an extremely slack individual. Next time, I'm going to add something in the fine print that says "Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery" or something like that.

Anyway, here's the deal: below are seven questions. Leave a comment, filling in the blanks to the questions and I'll answer them in a future post. Make 'em funny, serious, whatever. I'm game for pretty much anything right now.

1. What do you think of ________?

2. When did you last ________?

3. ________ or ________? Why?

4. What did you ________?

5. What's your favorite ________?

6. How would you ________?

7. Whom would you most like to ________?

Song of the day: If You All Get To Heaven by Terence Trent D'Arby

Witchcraft Demons, Pornographic Napkins, The Underpants God, And Dr. Seuss

Autopilot. Here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

2 year old daughter defecating on toys after being potty trained
Um… I hate to burst your bubble, but if she's defecating on toys, she's not really potty trained. Unless you keep her toys in the toilet.

arthur dw sex story lemon
I get a fair amount of traffic from pornographic searches involving children's television and literary characters. But this is my first incestuous one. And the first that involves a lemon.

berenstain bears mama moan
See!

candy land cynical version
It would probably be nothing but Lose A Turn spaces.

4 and 4 and 4 and 4 minus one
15.

4 and 4 and 4 minus 1
11. C'mon, I can do this all day. I'm like Rain Man, people.

creative ways to cure cynical people
Fellatio.

Hey, it was worth a shot.

what is it when one of your testicles disappears
A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

strip club "magic words" extras
Try "I'm with Pacman Jones."

pornographic napkin decorations
Looks like someone's trying to spice up Thanksgiving dinner this year!

can you have children with crabs?
No. I think it's impossible for a human to get a crab pregnant.

What? That's not what you meant?

kid picked ncaa bracket
He probably did better than I did.

days of the week underpants god
There's a God for underpants? I'm building an altar now. I was beginning to think I'd never get my son potty trained.

punk rock prom dress zombie teeth leopard print
You really, really, really hate your parents, don't you?

people are people wherever you go dr seuss
I think that's Depeche Mode, not Dr. Seuss.

my child eats candles
Time to cut back on the séances, dude.

testicles in beach chair
This is why I always put a towel down before sitting on a beach chair. And that's only after I've covered the chair with Saran Wrap.

amount of foe per diaper
Every diaper is my enemy.

how many drugs did dr seuss do
I often find myself asking the same question.

ryan seacrest naked
My eyes! My eyes!

am i a girl trapped in a boy's body
No. You are actually a girl trapped in a platypus trapped in a boy's body. Have fun in therapy!

what did dr. seuss's mom read to make him go to sleep
Notes From Underground.

humorous bikini wax story got children down for nap
Now there's a children's book I'd like to read!

bear sounds go grrrrrrrrrrrrr
Very good! Next week, we'll work on pig sounds.

how to cast out witchcraft demons from legs
Witchcraft demons? Is this the excuse your girlfriend's using to avoid having sex with you?

tips on swinging microphone
Google can't teach you how to be a rock star.

chicken toilet
Worst garage band name ever.

got milk slogans for def leppard
Must resist urge to make a joke about the drummer's missing appendage.

killers ring doorbells in south carolina and kill whoever answers
This should all but destroy the Jehovah's Witnesses' SC campaign.

i can see debris in the urine of my 3 year old daughter
Really? I see the Virgin Mary!

nail polish testicles
Even Johnny Knoxville's crew wouldn't try this one.

case studies of women with oral fixation and sperm
Porn for academics!

Song of the day: Firestarter by The Prodigy

Stress

Do you ever feel like your skin is too tight?

Like your skeleton grew two inches overnight but your skin didn't catch up?

And for some strange reason, the only thing that makes you feel better is water? You yearn to take long showers. You'd lick your hands like a cat if it was socially acceptable and not downright disgusting.

And let's not forget the herd of elephants that have decided to make your chest their personal stomping grounds!

And your head feels like someone is playing this song on a loop.

But the weather has changed.

Culture Is Wasted On The Young

Every year in North Carolina, busloads of elementary and middle school children take fields trips to landmarks like the Biltmore House and the Chinqua Penn Plantation. And every year, busloads of elementary and middle school children are bored out of their gourds.

Another popular destination on the North Carolina field trip circuit is Old Salem, a look at life in an 18th century settlement. It's kind of like Williamsburg, Virginia, but without the cool roller coasters.

I went to Old Salem once during a field trip in middle school and have only one real memory from that day. I vaguely recall the old buildings and the people dressed in Colonial garb. You want to know what I remember most from that day?

Making out with Maddie in the back of the school bus.

Yeah, I'm pretty shallow.

But I can't be the only one. Maybe I've always been too much of a redneck, but nothing at Old Salem (other than Maddie) held my attention. I was twelve years old. I didn't care about blacksmiths, powdered wigs, and quill pens. None of my sexual fantasies involved Colonial women. Or milkmaids. Hell, my sexual fantasies at age twelve just simply revolved around Sex: The Act.

My point? I think it's useless taking kids on field trips to landmarks like the ones I mentioned above. I don't believe showing twelve-year-olds an old building or some dork dressed in knickers has any educational value. They won't truly appreciate such places until they're much older. If the kids aren't totally bored, they're stifling snickers or making out on the bus (or far worse -- it is 2008 now). Rev up the bus and take the children to science museums, art museums, and prisons. Places that will hold their attention. Places where they can will actually learn a thing or two.

The coffee pot in the photos stands just outside the entrance to Old Salem. The pot is twelve feet tall and has a circumference of sixteen feet. Pretty freaking big. Want to learn more about the giant coffee pot? Of course you do. Or would you rather make out with Maddie instead?

Song of the day: Sex On Wheels by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult

Stuff Only I Care About LXXVIII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The New York Yankees

The Yankees went 3-3 the past week, bringing their record to 17-17. They are currently tied for third in the AL East and are 4 1/2 games behind Boston.

Set Your Tivos

Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored (who still carries the curse distinction of being the only blogger I've met face-to-face) will be talking about blogging on The Today Show on Wednesday morning.

Free Music

You can download another Nine Inch Nails album, The Slip, for free. All you need to do is give Trent your email address (I think he's planning on sending us all Blue Mountain e-cards this Christmas).

They Just Make This Shit Up, Don't They?

So I was watching MSNBC on Tuesday night, checking out the early primary results. With 20% of the Indiana vote counted and Clinton leading 131,782 votes to 97,998, they deemed the Indiana race too early to call. Yet with 0% of the North Carolina vote counted and Clinton leading 1,323 votes to 870, they called the North Carolina race for Obama.

How in the hell can they do this? And yes, that is a rhetorical question. I know they pay people to run exit polls. But didn't the media learn something from their early speculations during the 2000 Presidential election?

I Am Naïve

In my last post, I made a joke about receiving last-second calls from the candidates. Actually, I received seven calls on the day of the election (two after 5:00 PM). Obama rang my house four times to Hillary's three. Guess that's why he won the state.

But it was nice for Chelsea to call and chat.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Dutch claims fatherhood is like the Special Olympics.
• Marla gets hot and bothered.
• Matthew embarrasses his daughter.
• Whit shares a must-have parenting tool.

Song of the day: Kids In America by Kim Wilde

So This Is What It's Like To Have A Vote That Matters

Dear Barack, Hillary, and John--

First of all, I'm very flattered with all the attention I've received the past two weeks. We North Carolinians aren't used to this kind of adoration; the primaries are usually decided long before we cast our ballots. Thanks for making me feel special.

That said, we get it. The three of you are each hoping to be the next President of the United States. And I realize that our 115 delegates are the greatest prize of any remaining state.

But you know what? I think we've made up our minds by now. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I know who I'm voting for on Tuesday. There's no need to continue criss-crossing the state looking for photo ops while preaching to your respective choirs. There's no need to blanket the television and radio with your ads as if there's someone out there who will suddenly say, "You know, I never liked Candidate B but that thirty-second spot during Two And A Half Men changed my mind!"

Couldn't this money be spent in better ways?

Please don't call my house anymore. While I've loved hearing from you three (although it seems every time I try to speak, you just keep talking like it was a recording or something), calling my house at noon on a Sunday just reeks of desperation. If any of you drunk dials my house late Monday night looking for a booty call last second vote, I'll be hanging up.

And even though gas prices are at an all-time high and I truly appreciate the offer, I don't need a ride to the polls on Tuesday. But if any of you are game for babysitting, please let me know.

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag

P.S. Um, John? What the hell are you even doing calling my house? You've got the Republican nomination wrapped up, dude. Take a vacation and just chill until you find out who your opponent is.

Song of the day: I'm In Love With A Girl by Big Star

Advice From An Idiot

Her Bad Mother, Mrs. Chicky, and Mrs. Chicken will each be welcoming their second child into the world soon and the folks over at Better Than A Playdate are throwing them a virtual baby shower. I really have no idea why people ask me to participate in such events; one time I told some expectant mothers to name their children after dogs and another time I made a mix CD that contained a lot of inappropriate songs.

Maybe they just invite me to these things so they can make fun of me behind my back?

Anyway, I've been asked to pass on some advice to these fine ladies. But getting parenting advice from me is like getting fashion tips from Amy Winehouse (or me), so I'm going to give them something the others didn't:

A warning.

You know all that free time you have right now with just one child?

No?

That's because you don't realize it yet.

One might think that adding a second child to the mix might double the time it takes to do anything. That's a common misconception. Adding a second child actually squares the amount of time it takes to complete a task. What might've taken ten minutes with one child will take one hundred minutes with two.

Scenario: you're trying to get the kids ready for a trip to the grocery store. The oldest child needs to go to the bathroom. When that child is finally finished, you notice the baby's diaper needs changing. Right when you're tossing the diaper in the bin, the oldest has spilled her drink all over the kitchen floor. Next thing you know, it's two o'clock and you're still in your pajamas.

So enjoy your free time while you still have it, ladies!

All kidding aside, I wish you all the best. May you all have beautiful and healthy children.

P.S. I've heard you should never have a third child. Once they outnumber you, you're basically screwed.

Song of the day: Little Black Backpack by Stroke 9