Credit: JR Daeschner. He has written a book about the festival in the video (and a lot of other strange stuff).
P.S. I'm thinking of lifting my self-imposed review ban and opening the floodgates to the PR people (I received four requests for book reviews today alone). I'm thinking of setting up a second site and only reviewing stuff like children's books, children's videos, and children's music -- stuff I think my kids and I would enjoy. And maybe adult music. But nothing else. Probably.
Anyone interested?
And yes, I know I asked this question eighteen months ago. That's how long it takes me to make up my mind.
Easily The Strangest Thing To End Up In My Inbox All Week
The Reward
On Saturday, we rewarded Zoey for earning great grades so far this year (and no, I don't feel like getting into a debate about whether children should be rewarded for grades). Zoey decided to get her ears pierced.
We decided to let the fine folks at Claire's take her lobes' virginity (if it was good enough for her dad, it was good enough for her). Luckily, the place was practically empty so they were able to double team Zoey. After I had filled out the eighteen pages of paperwork, two otic adornment technicians stood on either side of Zoey, counted to three, and pushed their buttons.
Zoey turned pale. She looked at us. I didn't know if she was going to cry, puke, or faint. Luckily, she remained calm and once they held up a mirror for her to see the new earrings, she started grinning from pierced ear to pierced ear.
Now she's counting down the days until she can remove her starter earrings and put in another pair. It's going to be a long six months.
So… earrings at 5 1/2: too young, too old, or just right?
Song of the day: Dead Flowers by Townes Van Zandt
The Most Annoying Character In Children's Literature
When it comes to books, Zoey is a creature of habit. She'll find a book and, if she likes it, she'll want to read all the books by that particular author. We went through a Dr. Seuss phase and have read a great deal of The Berenstain Bears books (Seriously, who could read them all? They've put out something like 15,000 different titles.). We've also plowed through most of the Curious George books.
But lately we've been reading another well-known character. The books are good and teach decent life lessons (or at least the morals one can learn from a talking aardvark). But I can't stand the main character's little sister. She is annoying, a buzz kill, and a total jerk. Don't know who I'm talking about?
Dora Winifred Read.
Yes, I'm talking about Arthur's obnoxious little sister, D.W.
It doesn't matter if Arthur's trying to start a pet business or getting ready to meet the President, D.W. is along for the ride, offering words of discouragement and being a major pain in the ass.
I've started a write-in campaign to Marc Brown in the hopes he will pen Arthur Bitchslaps D.W. Who's with me?
Who do you think is the most annoying character in kids' books?
Song of the day: Lemon Tree by Fool's Garden
On The Mend (For Real This Time)
When it came to my kids' illnesses, I used to think I could handle anything except high fevers. Now I can add dehydration to that list.
When I wrote my last post, everyone was on the mend. About 11:00 PM that evening, Zed woke up vomiting again. And again. And again. All night and morning long.
I took him to the doctor Wednesday morning and even though they said he was mildly dehydrated, there wasn't anything they could do for him. So I came home and paced.
And cleaned up more vomit.
I took him back to the doctor on Wednesday afternoon. When I arrived, I found out that if you make two visits in one day, the second one is free (they NEVER should have told me that tidbit of information). We received the same diagnosis, so we returned home. Much of Wednesday night was spent administering Pedialyte to Zed via an oral syringe.
Finally at 3:30 AM this morning, Zed turned a corner, which was a good thing because Ella left for NYC this morning so both Zed and I would've ended up in the hospital today had the illness continued (dehydration for him, nerves for me). He hasn't vomited since and, shortly before bedtime tonight, started showing signs of his usual self.
In the past few days I've watched my son's Buddha belly become lean (just in time for the swimsuit season!). I've watched him morph from an energetic, lively little lad to a lethargic slug. I've never seen him or Zoey this sick before and I hope I never do again.
Five Things You Should Be Doing Instead Of Reading Another Word Of My Drivel
Seriously. Leave now.- ENTER THIS: Dave at Blogography is celebrating his site's fifth anniversary by giving away prizes to his readers. So far this week, he's put up t-shirts, playing cards, hats, pins, and prints for people to win. I was one of the four grand prize winners last year, so I can vouch for the quality and overall coolness of the stuff he's giving away. There's still time to enter all his giveaways, so what are you waiting for?
- LISTEN TO THIS: The new Weezer song rocks!
- LISTEN TO THIS: The new Crue song rocks too!
- READ THIS: Neil takes a look at the class distinctions in the Democratic primary race.
- READ THIS: MommyBlogsToronto has a spiffy new design and a new name: Better Than A Playdate.
Earth Day 2008
My family celebrated Earth Day by going green.
Green around the gills, that is.
Since Saturday morning, we've all been playing the role of Mr. Creosote from Python's The Meaning Of Life. Fun stuff.
I'll be back tomorrow night with a real post. Until then, I've got a question for you guys: at what age do kids learn to control their vomiting and not just spew all over the place? When do they learn the toilet is much more acceptable than the bed? Or is my daughter just a late bloomer?
Because I'm really sick of washing sheets.
Song of the day: What Are We Gonna Do? by Dramarama
How The Fancy-Schmancy Grocery Stores Differ From The Local Piggly Wiggly
In one of my recent posts, I stated that I don't care for Whole Foods and its ilk. Maybe I'm too much of a redneck or too much of an asshole (or a little of both), but I feel uncomfortable when I walk into those stores.
Why?
- At my local grocery store, they don't treat me a like a leper when I say, "Plastic." (And before you send that angry email, I reuse my plastic bags instead of a Diaper Genie (and yes, I know I'm still going to get hate mail).)
- At my local grocery store, I don't have to take out a second mortgage to pay my grocery bill.
- At my local grocery store, I can check out the latest celebrity gossip mags while they bag my groceries. At the hoity-toity grocery stores, I'm stuck looking at wine magazines and magazines for lesbians. Ok. Maybe the pretentious grocery stores aren't all that bad.
- At my local grocery store, people consume more than just vitamins, fruit, prepared foods, and wine.
- Piggly Wiggly isn't self-righteous: their mascot is a cartoon pig dressed as a butcher!
Stuff Only I Care About LXXVII
Another crazy, hectic week. This shit is getting old. I need 30 or 32 hours in a day.
Or to just totally stop sleeping.
And to stop complaining.
And to start writing complete sentences.
The Week in Review
CliffsNotes Edition:- The Yankees are now 8-7 and a game out of first.
- Why are the Panthers playing the Giants next season? Did they draw the short straw? (But at least their NFC West opponent is Arizona).
- Here's a reunion tour I'll probably check out.
- Here's a reunion tour I WISH I could check out.
- The Cool Moms posted their Mother's Day Shopping Guide.
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Danny changes his underwear for the first time in years.
- Dave bludgeons someone with an Ann Coulter book.
- Eliza learns she'd feel much better if she'd only read The Secret.
- Motherbumper's daughter shoves a jewel up her nose.
- Rebecca eludes a stalker and gets locked out of the house.
- TwoBusy's daughter is allergic to penis.
She Doesn't Quite Understand Cover Songs
We went to a little nontraditional wedding over the weekend. It was nice; the kids had fun and so did we. During the ceremony, a girl sang a song (today's Song of the day).
On the way home, we heard the song on the radio.
"Hey!" Zoey yelled. "That's the song the guitar player sang!"
"Yes it is," I replied.
"Wow! She must be famous!" Zoey exclaimed.
"Next time you see her, make sure you get her autograph."
Song of the day: The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson
The Gluten-Free, Casein-Free, Taste-Free Diet
We started Zed on the gluten-free casein-free diet about six weeks ago although, truthfully, the first week or so shouldn't count because that time was spent deprogramming Zoey (the girl had a bad habit about leaving her food in his reach). I was skeptical of the diet, but since it wasn't something that would harm him, I agreed to give it a shot.
But now? I'm a believer.
His complexion has cleared up considerably since starting the diet. Zed has always had problems with eczema on his face (in the winter months, his cheeks look almost like he's been scalded). But since starting the diet, he has had only one or two breakouts and both of those have been relatively minor.
His concentration has improved considerably since starting the diet (even his teachers have commented on his improved concentration over the past weeks). Of course, it might be that he's getting used to the school and their requirements. During this timeframe, he's also been placed with new speech and education therapists. So while it's hard to pinpoint the exact cause of his improved concentration (when you throw everything at the wall at once, it's hard to tell what is helping and what is not), I feel the diet has played a big role.
He has actually started eating more foods and larger portions since starting the diet. Even though Zoey, Ella, and I think most of the gf/cf food tastes like crap, he really enjoys it. He even loves his little fake grilled cheese sandwiches with the fake bread and fake cheese that doesn't melt worth a damn. If anyone has any recipes, online places to order food, etc., please drop me a line. Especially cheap and reliable online stores. If you can keep me from setting foot in another Whole Foods or Trader Joe's, I'll be your best friend for life.
There are a ton of therapies, products, and services available that claim to "treat" or "heal" or "cure" autism. Some are legit while others are snake oil salesmen trying to cash in on hope. While nothing has been proven to consistently work (if something truly cured autism, you would be handed the magic elixir when you received the diagnosis), there are people who believe strongly in each product/method. But what works for some might not work for you. You can quickly go insane and broke trying everything out there.
Update: I'm a moron. For some reason (probably because I was watching the Yankees lose to the Sox for the second day in a row), I wrote recipes above. What I'm really looking for is prepackaged foods-- snacks, frozen stuff, etc. We've found chicken nuggets that he loves, some cookies, and some other things, but we're always on the lookout for more. If you have any products you recommend (but no crackers or chips; he's never liked either), please leave a comment or send me an email. Thanks!
Song of the day: Sausalito Summernight by Diesel
Stuff Only I Care About LXXVI
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels
Ok. I've already covered my thoughts on the Heels' loss to Kansas.But Roy Williams wearing a Kansas shirt days after Kansas bounced UNC from the tournament was totally tacky. Jerk.
Weekly Random Thoughts On The New York Yankees
The Yankees went 3-4 the past week, bringing their record to 4-4. They are currently tied for third in the AL East and are 2 1/2 games behind Baltimore. Yes, Baltimore.If you factor out Friday night's 13-4 loss to Tampa Bay, the Yankees are giving up a respectable three runs a game. However, the Yankees are only averaging 3.125 runs per game. You're the Bronx Bombers, remember? If you don't soon find a way to start putting some runs on the board, it's going to be a long season.
The Yankees have a three-game series at Fenway this weekend. Little early this year, isn't it? Or am I misremembering?
You Really Need To See This
Meat Loaf + Tiffany = The Best Commercial EverMakes me want to buy a GoPhone.
What The World Needs Now
A reality show starring Axl Rose? Sign me up!Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Amy takes a look at They Might Be Giants' Here Come The 123s.
- CroutonBoy does too.
- Dutch breaks all the rules while on vacation.
- Kittenpie contemplates authors' photos.
- MetroDad shares his all-Asian fantasy baseball team.
- Motherbumper is a Guitar Hero widow.
- Rebecca posts a photo essay of her book signing.
Perfect Day
Guess where I am right now?
The food court. And life couldn't be grander.
Today is the first day that both kids have been in school since March 20th. For those of you who are lousy with math, that's a damn long time. Here's how it went down:
- Zed was off on Good Friday, March 21st
- Zoey had Spring Break the following week
- Zed had Spring Break the week after that (that's the problem when your kids go to schools in two different counties: their vacations rarely coincide)
- Zoey was off yesterday for a Teacher Workday
I can't begin to tell you how much I've missed these two hours. I didn't realized how much I needed these two hours until they were taken away from me. While I never really do anything during these two hours (sit in the car, hang out at the mall, take pictures of weird things, etc.), it's time I use to recharge my batteries.
Life has become hectic lately. My kitchen calendar has become my lover and best friend as I seldom know if I'm coming or going. Want to see why I need those two hours? Here's a look at a typical day (you'll notice I spend as much time in my car as a truck driver):
- 7:15 AM Leave home to take Zoey to school.
- 7:25 AM Return home.
- 7:55 AM Leave home to take Zed to school.
- 8:40 AM Arrive at Zed's school. Spend two hours with him and his teachers.
- 10:45 AM CHAG TIME!
- 12:40 PM Pick up Zed from school.
- 1:25 PM Return home. Eat lunch, check email, etc.
- 1:50 PM Leave home to get a good spot in the car line (we have to be near the front of the line in order to make it to therapy on time)
- 2:25 PM Zoey gets in the car.
- 3:00 PM Arrive at therapy.
- 4:00 PM Return home. Homework, play with the kids, read to the kids, etc.
- 5:00 PM - 7:00 PM Eat, play with the kids, etc.
- 7:00 PM - 8:30 PM Bedtime routine: bathe kids, brush teeth, read to kids, put them to bed.
- 8:30 PM - 11:30 PM Work or blog or spend time with the wife. As I've taken on a lot more work lately than I usually do, I've kind of forgotten what Ella looks like.
- 11:30 PM Crawl into bed and watch television until I fall asleep.
Song of the day: What You Do To Me by Teenage Fanclub
What's Grosser Than Gross? This.
Zed and I went to the local children's museum/petting zoo on Friday morning.
Petting zoos are not my bag. I know every single one of those animals carries E. coli, mad cow disease, malaria, herpes, and a host of other maladies. But they're also kiddie crack, so I take the kids every once in awhile to view the animals. Sometimes, I'll let down my guard and let them pet one of the filthy beasts. I can be quite the masochist.
I was not planning on Friday becoming one of those special days. Zed was standing at the fence, watching all the lucky kids (whose parents weren't germaphobes) cavorting with the animals. A little girl noticed us at the gate and yelled at me, "I think he wants to come in here and pet the animals."
"I think you're right," I replied. Leave me alone, kid.
But she wasn't done. "Are you afraid of the animals, mister? Because he can come with me if you're too scared."
I was being called out by a first grader. Not one to let a first grader question my manhood, I scooped Zed up in my arms, opened the gate, and strutted confidently into the petting zoo.
This is what my life has become: proving my manliness to six-year olds. Admit it, you're jealous.
I put Zed down near the goats, hoping and praying he would be satisfied watching them from the closer vantage point. Within seconds, he was standing beside a goat, touching its hair. I cringed.
He moved on to a sheep. He touched its wool and became excited. He started doing his "Happy Dance," which basically consists of him running in place.
Guess what I found out? Farm animals do not find Zed's Happy Dance as endearing as I do.
The animals started to scatter. Fearing a full-on stampede, I tried to pick up Zed but he slipped from my grasp. He knew I was planning on leaving the petting zoo, so he called on his only line of defense: he dropped to the ground, lied on his back, and went into full-blown tantrum mode.
Do I need to remind everyone what can be found among the straw in a petting zoo? The same straw my son was flailing around in?
My mind started racing. Oh God. There's nowhere near enough soap, water, Purell, and Clorox in the world. Maybe I should just…
And then everything went black.
Apparently, I died of disgust.
But I'm able to blog from the afterworld! It's pretty cool here, but it's a lot hotter than I was expecting. And even though everything seems to be on fire, I've yet to see a fire truck.
But there is one really cool thing about the afterlife: I get to peep in on everyone on Earth.
And I've seen what some of you ladies do when you're alone in the shower, you saucy little minxes.
GHS: 10
Song of the day: Jesus Christ Pose by Soundgarden
Damn It
See Roy's face in the picture below?
That's pretty much how I looked during the entire UNC-Kansas game (minus the eyeglasses and gray hair). During one short period in the second half, I thought I was witnessing history, something I could tell my grandkids about one day.
Didn't happen.
Oh well. Now it's time to wonder who stays and who goes.
The Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge
I'd like to congratulate TwoBusy for walking away with the title. Yeah, there's still one game remaining, but he's already wrapped things up. He was the only entrant to pick the correct teams in Monday's game (for the record, he's got Memphis winning it all).Song of the day: Angel In Blue by The J. Geils Band
P.S. This is one of my favorite songs ever. I have no idea why.
If You Thought My Photo Posts Were Just Excuses For Me To Make Dick Jokes, Think Again
I remember walking down to the barber shop every other Saturday morning as a little boy. I hated getting my hair cut, but my father needed his hair trimmed every fourteen days, which always seemed quite strange to me (of course, I'm a guy that usually goes fourteen months without a haircut). The place would be filled with guys talking about politics and sports, seldom agreeing on either topic. Now, guys can opt for joints with plasma TVs blasting SportsCenter. No need to talk to anyone! Rock!
I feel the old-fashioned barber shops would make a return if they all offered services like this:
Personally, I prefer "Classic Booger" (this is from the building next door, which was once the home of City Barber Shop):
I need to grow up.
Song of the day: Cruel To Be Kind by Spacehog
Stuff Only I Care About LXXV
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels
The Heels advanced to the Final Four with a 68-47 win over Washington State and a 83-73 victory over Louisville. Tyler Hansbrough was named the regional MVP and finished the Louisville game with 28 points and 13 rebounds.Carolina plays Kansas on Saturday. I really don't think they'll have much trouble with Kansas. Memphis is the team that scares me. I originally picked UNC over UCLA in the championship game, but Memphis played lights-out last weekend in easy wins over Michigan State and Texas.
If the Heels beat Kansas, I'm seriously considering watching the championship game in the Dean Dome with the college kids. But then again, I'm old and wouldn't be home until 1:00 AM, rendering me useless the next day.
If they win it all, do Hansbrough, Lawson, and Ellington pull a Florida and return another year to try for a repeat? Or do they head for the money? I'm betting Hansbrough will return, win or lose.
Weekly Random Thoughts On The New York Yankees
The Yankees are 1-0 and are currently tied for first with the Tampa BayI'm so glad baseball is back.
I Really Thought This Was An April Fool's Day Joke
Dr. Pepper is giving away a free can of soda to everyone in America if Axl Rose releases Chinese Democracy this year.The Broken Engagement Revisited
I am quite happy that so many of you enjoyed my April Fool's Day prank. I wasn't so sure about it. Ella told me not to post it, so I asked for a second opinion. I ran the tale by Motherbumper and she gave me the green light.For those of you who asked, the whole thing was entirely false. While I've dated a cheerleader, she was in the same grade as I was. I've had break-ups where I've shut out the world, listened to sad songs, and stalked the girl's place, but I've never fought over a girl. I've never spent a night in jail. I've never plotted to kill anyone.
But there's always tomorrow!
Sunday Morning Hangover
No Sunday Morning Hangover this week. I've been really slack in reading others' sites.Song of the day: Your Love by The Outfield
The Broken Engagement, Part III: The Broken Life
This is the third installment in the saga about my broken engagement with my high school sweetheart, Kate. If you missed the first or second part, please read them first.
***
A normal person would have just moved on with his life.
But that's not my style.
I could've keyed her car. I could've called her apartment at all hours. I could've slept with her best friend and her sister. These are all acceptable forms of retaliation for jilted lovers according to the Cynical Dad Manual Of Love And War™.
But I've always been someone who takes things to extremes. I decided if I couldn't have her, no one could have her.
Yeah, I could've handled things much better. But I was young, dumb, and full of rage. Sometimes the heart overpowers the head.
I decided to make it look like Lisa offed the TA and then did herself in. I typed a note (and it took every ounce of willpower I had not to write that she was offing them both because she regretted screwing me over (because really, wouldn't that have pointed the cops in my direction?)), ready to plant at the scene of the crime to make it look like she was the one responsible for the carnage.
And yeah, I totally stole the idea from Heathers. I had seen the movie a month earlier and had fallen in love with it. [Note to any future homicidal maniacs in the audience: when you decide to knock off someone, have some originality. You don't want to be known as The Heathers Hitman.]
So on April 29, 1989, I parked my car down a road near her apartment complex.
I walked to the edge of the parking lot. I looked for the route to her door with the least amount of light. It was then that I realized I hadn't planned things out as well as I had thought. But I couldn't turn back.
I made it to the back of the complex, peeked through her sliding glass doors, and saw that the living room was dark, so I knew they were in bed. I walked to the front door and put my key in the doorknob. "Dumbass," I said as I turned the doorknob. To this day, I can't believe she didn't change the locks.
I still wish she would have changed the locks. Things would've turned out much differently.
I walked into the living room. I could hear the television coming from the bedroom.
Our bedroom.
I crept slowly down the hall.
I paused. What the hell are you doing? There's no way you're going to get away with this.
But I continued down the hall.
I got to the bedroom door and took a deep breath.
I threw open the door, flipped on the light, and shouted,
"APRIL FOOL!"
Song of the day: Poor Little Fool by Ricky Nelson
