The Broken Engagement, Part II: The Broken Nose

This is the second installment in the saga about my broken engagement with my high school sweetheart, Kate. If you missed the first part, please read it first.

***

"We need to talk" is one of the worst phrases in the English language. "We need to talk" never leads to talking about anything fun.

And it didn't in my case, either.

Turns out she had been seeing the Teacher's Assistant of her Organic Chemistry class. It started out innocently enough with him helping her with some complex diagrams and then one thing leads to another and she's getting extra credit in the bedroom.

So I did what any normal jilted lover would do: I pouted.

I became the clichéd all-in-black, weepy, death-of-every-party, bitchy, parked-outside-her-apartment, listening-to-sad-songs-on-a-loop, whiny, runny-mascara mess. I was a male version of "Joe lies… when he cries," only ten times worse. It got so bad that all the guys on the floor of my dorm made a pact to keep someone with me at all times, just so I wouldn't do anything stupid.

I was heartbroken.

I was empty.

I was lost.

But gradually, I pulled myself up. I started hanging out with my friends more and more. After about a month, I started going to places other than class. I met some really cool people and though I hadn't forgotten about her and what she had done to me, I was moving on.

Until the night I saw them together.

I was out playing pool and drinking pitchers with friends. One of my friends came over to me and said, "Dude, let's get out of here. This place is dead."

"What are you talking about? I'm having a good time."

"Ok. But I've got to warn you: Lisa just walked in with her boyfriend."

I scanned the bar and saw them sitting at a table near the entrance. Every emotion my heart had experienced in the previous weeks rushed through me. I felt the urge to make one last stab at winning her back. So I walked over to their table.

"Chag!" she screamed, an equal mix of surprise and dread.

"Hi, Lisa. How are you doing?" I asked.

The TA got up. "So you're the ex?"

"Yes," I said. "You must be the asshole who ruined my life."

"Look, buddy," he explained. "It just sort of happened."

"Why don't you just shut the hell up for a few minutes so I can talk to Lisa?" I demanded.

"I think you need to leave," he said, puffing out his chest.

So I punched him.

And then I dove on top of him, taking him to the floor. I started pounding the hell out of him. It was a great release. Unfortunately, an off-duty cop was also at the bar. He pulled me off the TA, handcuffed me, and hauled me off to jail on a Drunk and Disorderly charge.

I spent the night in jail. Under normal circumstances, I would've been scared to spend a night in jail. But I was on a high. I was pacing the cell like a caged tiger. I was seething. I couldn't think straight.

But at least I left with a plan of revenge.

Onward to Part III!

***

I have disabled comments for this post. I want you to read the entire saga before taking sides, forming opinions, and all that jazz.

Song of the day: Nothing Better by The Postal Service

The Broken Engagement, Part I: The Broken Heart

Did you know that I was once engaged to someone other than Ella?

Did you know that I once spent a night in jail?

I have decided that now is the time to tell you about my broken engagement. It's a time in my life that I'm not proud of; love can make you do some truly stupid stuff. Despite the fact that you'll probably think much less of me after you read this, I really need to put it out there.

This period in my life has been weighing on my mind a lot lately and hopefully it'll give you a better understanding of who I am and what I'm capable of. But bear with me because this story will take several days to tell.

***

I was a high school junior when I finally got the nerve to ask Lisa, a senior cheerleader, out on a date. Even though we ran in vastly different circles and she was way out of my league, she accepted.

Somehow, it worked. We were star-crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet. Or Randy and Julie from Valley Girl.

Like a lovesick puppy (and against my parents' wishes), I followed her to the college she attended. Despite the fact that I was only 18, I bought her a Cracker Jack ring and proposed to her during Christmas Break. We made plans to get married the following year.

During spring semester, she told me her classes were becoming tougher and she needed to start studying more. So while she spent most of her free time studying in her off-campus apartment, I started hanging out at the Penny Draft Night bar (Hallelujah, fake IDs!), playing intramural sports, hanging out with the guys in my dorm, singing in a band, and all that kind of stuff. In short, I was living like a college freshman, something I had not done during my first semester at college.

One night, a friend and I went to a bar that Lisa and I frequented. The bartender poured me a beer as I walked in and said, "Sorry to hear about you and Lisa."

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Lisa. You broke up, right?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Dude, she was in here the other night with another guy."

I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. So I went to the pay phone (it was 1989; only rock stars had phones that weren't attached to their cars or didn't need to be carried around in forty-pound bags) and called her apartment.

"Lisa?" I asked, my voice cracking. Don't start crying, I told myself.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Are you seeing someone else?" I stammered.

"We need to talk."

Onward to Part II!

***

I have disabled comments for this post. I want you to read the entire saga before taking sides, forming opinions, and all that jazz.

Song of the day: All My Little Words by The Magnetic Fields

Do People Still Wear Argyle Socks?

Do people still wear argyle socks? I remember lots of people wearing them in the 80s but haven't noticed them in some time. Of course, I don't spend much time looking at people's ankles.

I buy most of my clothes from thrift stores and yard sales, but I draw the line at underwear and socks. While I will not wear someone else's socks, I can't remember the last time I went sock shopping (probably sometime in the 80s). My in-laws usually put a few pairs in my Xmas stocking each year, so that pretty much covers all the old ones that need to be retired.

The picture below is of an actual office building. I had a friend who worked in the underwear drawer. His office was right next to the six-foot vibrator.



And in case you're curious, here's the chest next to another building just so you can get an idea of how big it is:



I need someone to teach me how to take better pictures.

Song of the day: Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards by Billy Bragg

Stuff Only I Care About LXXIV

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels made it to the Sweet Sixteen with a 113-74 thrashing of Mount St. Mary's, followed by a 108-77 shellacking of Arkansas. To say Carolina has looked impressive thus far in the NCAA tournament is an understatement. I'm a little disappointed that Roy Williams left the starters in late in the games, but I guess that's why I'm not a basketball coach.

The Heels play Washington State on Thursday night. Much has been made of Washington State's defense (they've held their opponents to 40.5 points a game so far in the tourney), but I (hope!) really don't think they'll present much of a challenge for the Heels. Carolina's first test in the tournament will come on Saturday against the Louisville/Tennessee winner (before the tournament started, I picked Tennessee to advance in this game, but now my money's on Louisville).

Hopefully, they'll survive this weekend and make it to the Final Four.

Reminder

Rebecca Woolf, of Girl's Gone Child fame, will be releasing her book, Rockabye, on Tuesday!

The Coolest Thing I Heard All Week

Kimya Dawson (one-half of The Moldy Peaches and the major contributor to the Juno soundtrack) will be releasing a children's album. No, really! You can listen to one of the tracks here.

Make It Big

George Michael will be touring North America this summer. Anyone interested (besides me)?

I'm With Whit

I'm boycotting CBS, too (after the NCAA tournament, of course). Bastards cancelled Jericho. Again.

Zed's Music Corner

For those of you who may be interested, I updated Zed's Music Corner with a few Sesame Street songs (including Fat Cat Sat Hat, Zed's current fave), some more Schoolhouse Rock tunes, and a few other numbers.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Kittenpie loves a good pun (and so do I).
• Marla's husband has trouble following directions.
• Neil bonds over boobs.

Song of the day: Freedom! '90 by George Michael

Things I Learned While Spending Eight Hours In The Emergency Room On A Saturday Night

• Hospitals are THE place to be on Saturday nights.
  There were about a million people in the emergency room. I've never been to a club or a bar on a weekend that's been that crowded.
• You're better off if you break something.
  My mother was suffering from severe dehydration and it took us three hours until we were back in a room. Meanwhile, I watched person after person hobble in with a foot in the air and get called back within an hour. It got so bad that I said to my Mom, "Can you fall down and break something so we can move up the food chain?" She laughed, but failed to comply.
• If you can't find a place to sit in the emergency room, wear a surgical mask.
  There was a lady who I'm assuming had the flu or SARS or something and was asked to wear a mask. I saw her looking for a place to sit down and every time someone noticed her, that person spread his stuff out a little wider. Once she finally found a place to sit, every person near her got up and stood somewhere else.
• There are entirely too many people in the emergency room wearing handcuffs.
  One person wearing handcuffs in the emergency room is entirely too many. I counted four times that amount.
• Having a blood alcohol level of .23 several hours after you've been arrested is damn impressive.
  I just hope that lady felt worse than I did on Easter morn.
• Hospitals could charge movie-concession prices (or more) in their vending machines and no one would bat an eye.
  Their stuff was already overpriced but that didn't stop anyone. Hell, I made several trips during the eight hours we were there. They could've easily charged much more.
• There are secret rooms in the hospital that no one knows about.
  The hospital and its entire parking lot is smoke-free. But that didn't stop one handcuffed man from getting to smoke somewhere on the hospital's grounds.
• If you're belligerent, you can get anything you desire.
  See above. The man simply refused to do anything until he got a cigarette. I have no idea where they went, but he was back far too soon to have been driven off the property.
• I am old.
  I didn't get home until 3:00 AM and felt the effects all day long (I don't have a problem staying up that late, it's staying out that late that kills me). Time to start filling out the application for the AARP card.
• Minivans are the new RVs.
  Because I am old, I had to stop halfway on my thirty-mile drive home at a rest area to walk around and wake myself up. I counted six minivans in the parking lot. I'm assuming the minivans contained sleeping families because the men's room was deserted (of course, they could've been filled with women who were partying in the women's room) and the only people that drive minivans are parents and Chili Palmer. But seriously, there's no way in hell I would let my family sleep in a car in the rest area parking lot. Am I alone here?

Song of the day: When Did Your Heart Go Missing? by Rooney

The Erection Erection

From this angle, this building doesn't look too terribly phallic:



But check it out here:



There's no doubt a man designed this skyscraper.

Song of the day: Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love) by Joan Jett and Paul Westerberg

Stuff Only I Care About LXXIII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels finished the season 32-2 and earned the number one spot in both polls. They followed their ACC regular season crown with an ACC Tournament title. As a result, they were "rewarded" with the top spot in the NCAA tournament.

I put rewarded in quotations because frankly, the Heels were screwed. It's bad enough they'll be facing Indiana or Arkansas in the second round and Pitt in the third round. But to possibly play either Louisville or Tennessee (who should've been a #1 seed instead of Memphis) before they even get to the Final Four is ridiculous. The East is BY FAR the toughest region.

One Last Reminder

If you're interested in entering my Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge, you have until Thursday morning to do so. There's a mix CD and a Cynical Dad lapel pin for the winner.

Another Kind Of Tournament

Stefan at Zooglobble is running his KidVid Tournament again this year. The KidVid Tournament pits "16 of the best kids' music videos from the past year or so head-to-head with readers voting to determine the best video of the year." My favorite two songs in the bracket are going to be pitted against each other in the first round (They Might Be Giants and Happy Monsters Band), but Zed and I will be rooting for TMBG to bring home the Zooie!

Set Your DVRs

The Riches returned Monday night. If you missed the premiere of the second season, don't worry. It's on FX, so it'll be replayed all week a hundred times or so.

A Favor

If you've got a few minutes, BlogHer is running a survey on the people who read this site and others. I like the money their advertisers throw my way each month, so if you have a few minutes (and it only takes a few minutes), I would appreciate it if you would take the survey.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Jozet discovers ACDC is old people music.
• Lindsay learns that Hell is Candyland.
• Mamatulip has a magic vaporizer (this post has a really funny payoff at the end).
• Melissa takes the family bowling.
• Neil pens an R-rated (and very funny) Nancy Drew & The Hardy Boys tale.

Song of the day: Just A Man by Faith No More

Another Reason Why You Shouldn't Take Your Daughter Into The Men's Room

We were driving home from visiting my Mom when Zoey announced, "I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW!" So I pulled into a gas station and because I have the bladder of a pregnant woman with a fifty-pound baby inside her, I went in with her.

Zoey was sitting on the toilet when she asked me, "What's that behind you?"

I turned around and saw the condom machine. Oh Christ.

"Don't worry about that. Just finish up," I told her, hoping to kill the conversation.

"Are there cards in there?" she asked. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, but it didn't stop me from lying to her saying, "Yeah. Something like that."

It's 2008. Now that we have 24-hour drugstores, Wal-Marts, and other places, do we really need condom machines in gas station restrooms? I could use a changing table instead. Better yet, they should install the changing tables next to the condom machines. I'm sure they'd sell a lot more condoms that way.

And to anyone who has ever purchased or has been with someone who purchased cologne from a gas station men's room, I have but one question: Why?

GHS: 3

P.S. There's still time to enter the Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge. We've got twelve people in the pool so far.

Song of the day: Welcome To The Boomtown by David & David

The Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge

While I love the Super Bowl, it's only four hours long. The NCAA tournament gives you much more bang for your buck. During the opening two days of the tournament (Thursday and Friday), I try my damnedest to become like that woman who had to have the toilet seat surgically removed from her ass (except in my case, it would be the recliner). Or at least I did before these damn kids came along.

So I decided to set up my own bracket challenge, hosted at CBS Sportsline. There will be a private message board for us to talk smack. If that doesn't satisfy your appetite for smack, you can send group emails to everyone in the Parent Bloggers group.

Here's how the scoring breaks down:
1st round: 1 point for each correct pick
2nd round: 2 points for each correct pick
3rd round: 4 points for each correct pick
4th round: 8 points for each correct pick
5th round: 16 points for each correct pick
Final round: 32 points for the correct pick

Interested? The group name is Parent Bloggers and the password is cynical. If you want to sign up and see how well you do against the rest of us, click here (if you have any problems, drop me a line).

And if you end up winning the Parent Bloggers NCAA Bracket Challenge, I'll send you a mix CD and a limited edition Cynical Dad pin (just ask The Lovely Mrs. Davis how cool the pins are!). If you decide to play, leave me a comment and let me know your team name so I can put the names to the blogs, etc.

And don't worry if you're not a parent blogger. If you're reading this, consider yourself invited.

For those of you who may be wondering who I picked as my national champion, you haven't been paying attention. But you can figure it out if you know the name of this song:

Song of the day: Chapel Hill by Sonic Youth

If Only

Zoey: Daddy, what did you do when you were little?
Me: I went fishing, rode my bike, played baseball, that kind of stuff.
Zoey: YOU PLAYED BASEBALL? You should've played for the Yankees!
Me: Daddy wasn't good enough.
Zoey: Maybe we should get out my T-Ball this weekend so you can practice.

Of course, if Billy Crystal can suit up for a spring training game for the Yankees, maybe I have a chance.

Song of the day: Piazza, New York Catcher by Belle & Sebastian

My Version Of The Three-Martini Lunch

I had a getting-to-know-you meeting at the home of a new client on Friday morning at 9:00 AM. After we exchanged pleasantries, he offered me a cup of coffee.

When I declined, he asked, "How about a beer and a cigar?"

If more of my meetings went like this (and not like this or this), I would take on a lot more work.

Song of the day: My Sharona by The Knack

The Cynical Dad 500

I figured since everyone and their mothers are sponsoring NASCAR races these days, I'd give it a spin. NASCAR's still cool, right?

Ok. I didn't really bankroll a race. I don't have that kind of dough. Yet.

This is actually the 500th post on Cynical Dad. I know there are those who post several times a day that would laugh at someone commemorating his 500th post. But I look at that number and feel like I've accomplished something.

Of course, when you take away the posts about music, the posts about this site (like this one), and the posts that suck (like this one), you're only left with sixteen posts.

So while this is my 500th post (or 16th, depending on how you look at it), it's also my last. I know I've already quit once this week. But that was a joke. This is for reals.

I'm planning on winning the lottery on Saturday night. I can feel it! And that 200 million will come in mighty handy. Champagne wishes, caviar dreams, and Parisian prostitutes. All the finer things.

So this is it. Hope you enjoyed the ride. 500 is such a nice number to end things with, don't you think?

But before I go, let's bring this post full circle. In honor of the NASCAR talk at the beginning (and my failed Five For Friday series), here's one last list for the road.

The Five Most Boring Sports To Watch On Television

5. Hockey
4. Auto racing
3. The Paint Drying World Championship
2. Soccer
1. Golf

Sayonara, bitches!

Song of the day: Rock And Roll by The Velvet Underground

Zed's Music Corner: Cool Music For Preschoolers

Zed has seen me post songs every day on this site for the past year and has decided that he wants a turn (and to be fair, he is the only member of my family that actually reads my site). Here are some of the songs he's currently digging. If you have any suggestions for him, please drop me a line.

Bookmark this page as it will be updated regularly to reflect his tastes. Enjoy!

Songs For Kids

Andrew Bird Dr. Stringz
Kimya Dawson Alphabutt
Gwendolyn And The Good Time Gang Farm Animal Friends
The Hollow Trees Animal Alphabet Song
The Jungle Book The Bear Necessities
Lisa Loeb Jenny Jenkins
Schoolhouse Rock Elbow Room
Schoolhouse Rock Interjections!
Schoolhouse Rock A Noun Is A Person, Place, Or Thing
Sesame Street The Alligator King
Sesame Street Capital I
Sesame Street Fat Cat Sat Hat
Sesame Street The Ladybugs' Picnic
Sesame Street My Martian Cutie (Number 9)
They Might Be Giants Eight Hundred And Thirteen Mile Car Trip
They Might Be Giants The Number Two and E Eats Everything
They Might Be Giants I Can Add and The 7 Days Of The Week
Leon G. Thomas III Duck 4
Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players You're The One Who's Made For Me and I Was Made For You
Yo Gabba Gabba! Party In My Tummy

Songs That Aren't For Kids

Atom And His Package Punk Rock Academy
Mika Lollipop
They Might Be Giants Particle Man

Incredibly Annoying Songs That You Should Only Play For Your Kids If You Love Them Very, Very, Very Much

Madagascar I Like To Move It, Move It

Stuff Only I Care About LXXII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels topped Boston College and Florida State this week, raising their record to 28-2. They are back on top of both polls!

The Heels have a B-I-G game Saturday night at Duke (Fun Fact: the Heels are undefeated on the road this year). A win will almost certainly wrap up a number one seed for the Heels. A loss will probably earn Duke a number one seed.

I'll be watching the game in a noisy bar just so I don't have to listen to Dick Vitale.

Rock!

The lineup for the Rocklahoma music festival was announced today and includes the following acts: Bret Michaels, LA Guns (the version without Phil Lewis (and therefore, the inferior version)), Enuf Z Nuff, Armored Saint, Night Ranger (Night Ranger?), Pretty Boy Floyd, Every Mother's Nightmare, Tora Tora, Black N Blue, Trixter, Kix, Warrant, Cinderella, Lynch Mob, and Tesla.

There's also some band called TBA playing. I've never heard of them, but they must be pretty damn cool because they're playing four different sets and headlining the festival two nights.

Ok. That last part was a joke. But seriously, wtf? You can't announce a festival lineup when you don't have two of your four headliners in place. You guys should've just waited a week or two until everything was finalized.

More Rock!

Trent Reznor just released a 36-song instrumental piece called Ghosts I-IV. Interested? How much are you willing to pay?

• Free
  9 digital tracks.
• $5
  All 36 digital tracks.
• $10
  The $5 package plus a double-disc version.
• $75
  The $10 package plus one data DVD and a Blu-Ray disc.
• $300
  Everything in the $75 version plus an autographed four-LP set on 180-gram vinyl and two limited-edition Giclee prints.
• $17,439
  Everything in the $300 version plus Trent will record a one-of-a-kind moody ringtone for your personal use.

You Guys Rock!

Karin has been to Loch Ness, Mandy owns a home on the lake where Ogopogo lives, and Missy is currently battling The Moleman. Time to start the Cynical Dad Monster Fighters Club! Who's in? You'll get your top-secret decoder rings and membership badge in the mail in six to eight weeks.

This Doesn't Rock!

Police in Oregon say panhandlers that stand outside the local Wal-Mart pull in $300 a day. A clerk at the same Wal-Mart makes $300 in a week.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Kristen meets a caveman (and a future relative).
• Marla doesn't get Alvin and the Chipmunks or Crazy Frog.
• Yvonne verbally bitchslaps a PTA Mom.

Song of the day: Nasty by Janet Jackson

The Monster Hunter

I have always wanted to be a cryptozoologist.

If money were no object, I would scour the terrain of the Pacific Northwest for Bigfoot, travel to Scotland in search of the Loch Ness Monster, and, in my spare time, track down the Chupacabra, Ogopogo, the Jersey Devil, the Mothman, and everything else you've got. I would spend my days chasing monsters while those around me claimed I was crazy (which isn't too different from my current job description).

But since I don't have an unlimited supply of money and Skybus doesn't service Loch Ness, this fantasy lifestyle wasn't really an option.

Until now.

This weekend, CNN ran a report on the Lizard Man of Bishopville, South Carolina, a 7-foot-tall bipedal lizard that likes to wreck property. According to a recent report, the beast clawed and bit through a car and may have eaten a pet or two in the process.

Despite the fact that the Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp lives in my backyard, I had never heard of it until this weekend. But I'm rectifying this oversight. I've been researching the creature, charting his sightings and compiling his turn-ons and turn-offs.

This summer, when we make our yearly trek to Myrtle Beach, I'm going to make a stop in Bishopville and capture the Lizard Man.

Alive, of course.

Song of the day: Monster by The Automatic

Body Image And The Kindergartener

The four of us went to the Children's Museum on Friday night to see a local children's musical act. Zoey ran into one of her old friends from The Little Gym and hung out with her the whole night. As we were getting ready to leave, Zoey asked me, "Daddy, do I have to wear my coat?"

She hates her winter coat. It comes down to just above her knees, so it limits her mobility. She cannot run very well when she wears the coat. She has trouble buckling herself into the car seat when she wears the coat. But Mommy and Daddy are mean, so we make her wear the coat.

"Yes. It's cold outside," I replied.

"Do I have to?" she asked again with enough whining, angst, and eye-rolling to put a sixteen-year-old to shame.

"Yes!"

She continued to pout as she put on her coat. The Little Gym girl's mother walked up to me and whispered, "My daughter hates to wear her winter coat, too. She says it makes her look fat."

I guess she saw my jaw hit the floor because she quickly added, "I don't know where she gets it from!"

I couldn't help myself. I was in total shock. I know lots of people have issues with their bodies; they're either too fat or too skinny. No one thinks he or she is "just right."

I just didn't realize it started in kindergarten.

As a result, I have decided to homeschool my children in a log cabin in Montana, free from television, the Internet, magazines, newspapers, and, most of all, other people.

Have a good life, everyone!

Song of the day: All The Kids Are Right by Local H