Stuff Only I Care About LXVII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels have been off all week. They are 19-1 and are now ranked 4th in both polls.

They play three games in seven days this week. On Thursday, Boston College comes to town, followed by a trip to Tallahassee to play Florida State on Sunday, and then #3 Duke comes to town on the 6th.

The Cynical Dad NFL Playoff Picks

I'm 7-2-1 for my playoff picks so far. Below is my pick for the Super Bowl. As always, if you take my advice and actually spend money based on something I say, you are a fool.

New York Giants (+12) over New England Patriots
Do the Giants have the personnel to take down the Pats? Sure.

Will they? Probably not. But if they can keep it close, they have a good chance of winning the game.

Part of me would like to see the Patriots complete their perfect season. Part of me would like to see the Giants upset the Patriots.

All of me is really just hoping for an exciting, close game.

This Will Rock

Ratt's Stephen Pearcy has re-recorded Round And Round.

With The Donnas!

I'd Like Four Minutes Of Your Time

Five For Fighting, the band that had a hit in 2001 with Superman (It's Not Easy), is raising money for Autism Speaks. Every time you watch the following video for World, Five For Fighting will donate forty cents to Autism Speaks.

It's not a fun video, especially for those of us that live with autism every day. But if nothing else, you might walk away with a better understanding of autism. And you will have donated forty cents to Autism Speaks in the process.

Click here to view the video.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Darren hopes the Tooth Fairy is also a plumber.
• Julie creates a spreadsheet that outlines the Presidential candidates' positions on many issues.
• Marla is stalked by Freddy Kreuger and Big Foot.
• Neil decides not to save the rainforests.

Song of the day: Talk Dirty To Me by Poison

Hairstyles And Attitudes

Her: I'll remember what you looked like, so if you did anything bad, I'll turn you in.
Me: Go right ahead.

***

It had been well over a year since my last haircut and it had become a major pain in the ass. My bangs hung below my chin and I would constantly singe them when I lit my crack pipe. I told Ella the other night, "My hair's getting too long. I need to start rocking a bandana like Axl Rose and Bret Michaels."

"If you do that, I'll cut it off while you sleep."

I think she was talking about my hair.

***

I was planning on donating my hair to Locks Of Love, but when I researched it last week, their website stated you needed to have a ponytail that was ten inches long. The hell?

So unless you're Crystal Gayle, they don't want to hear from you.

***

Her: So what are we going to do today?
Me: Cut it all off.
Her: How short?
Me: Use the clippers. Leave it a little longer on the top.
Her: Is this your once-a-year haircut?
Me: Yes.
Her: You're not afraid of us, are you?
Me: No. I'm cheap. But it was time and I couldn't pass up the $6.99 sale.
Her: I'll remember what you looked like, so if you did anything bad, I'll turn you in.
Me: Go right ahead.
Her: You're going to look like a totally different person!
Me: I know. At least now I'll blend in better with The Others.

And that was the end of the small talk.

***

While I was giving the kids a bath last night, I molded the front of my hair into a little horn so that I looked like the Cyclops from The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad.

Or Ed Grimley.

"How do I look?"

Zed smiled. Zoey shouted, "Cool!"

Something tells me Ella's going to put a stop to this when she gets back in town.

***

I received quite a few compliments yesterday from moms in the neighborhood and those from both kids' schools. As a semi-intelligent man, I can only deduce one thing:

Prior to Saturday, I looked like hell.

Song of the day: Youth Gone Wild by Skid Row

Four Minus One

The wife left yesterday morning for Austin. While I'm quite adept at taking care of the kids by myself (at least that's what I like to tell myself), it's those last three hours of the day, from 5:30 - 8:30 PM, that kill me. I'm used to tag-teaming the kids with her during supper, baths, and bedtime, so when I'm flying solo, it feels like it lasts six hours.

I'm a wuss.

I miss her assistance.

I miss her.

But my daughter? I'm not so sure she misses Ella.

When we told Zoey that Ella was going out of town on business, her first reply was, "Will you bring me back something?" After she was assured that Ella would be returning with gifts in tow, Zoey said, "Cool! We can be like Hannah's family!"*

I'm sure that made Ella feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

*For those of you who are luckily not as well-versed in all things Hannah Montana, Hannah's mother is dead. It's just her, her father, and her brother. I don't know how Hannah's mother bit the dust, but I did see a flashback episode in which Brooke Shields played Hannah's mother.

Song of the day: Teas'n, Pleas'n by Dangerous Toys

My So-Called Rock Band

I got tagged by Motherbumper with a meme where I'm supposed to create a fake band.

I tried this once with Chag Holland & The Hollandaise. And it pissed off some people.

I already did this meme over in Hilly's comments. My band name was Tessarine and the album was called Don't Need Anything Else. Not very exciting.

So since Motherbumper tagged me, I feel I get to do the meme again. Here are the rules:

1. The first title on this page is the name of your band.
2. The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album. Click the "New Random Quotations" button for more.
3. The third picture on this page will be your album cover. You then take the photo and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your picture. Please don't forget to give credit.
   

So without further ado:


Image taken from kelpie1's photos (lots of cool animal pics here!)
Rasptooth dogfish? That sounds like an all-star band fronted by Perry Farrell. Or Keanu Reeves' band.

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you decide to play, leave me a note in the comments so I can check it out!

Song of the day: Don't Be Cruel by Bobby Brown

It Was Way Too Early For This Conversation

Ella was getting ready for work this morning when Zoey came waltzing into our bedroom.

Zoey took one look at the thong Ella was wearing and said, "Mommy! Your underwear's on backwards. The little part goes in the front!"

And that's when I pretended to be asleep.

Song of the day: Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus

Stuff Only I Care About LXVI

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels are now 19-1 and are ranked 5th in the AP and 4th in the ESPN/USA Today polls.

Carolina went 2-1 this week. They barely made it past Georgia Tech and then followed that with an 82-80 loss to Maryland. But after a few days of intense practice (judging by Williams' Maryland postgame interview), they defeated Miami, 98-82, behind Hansbrough's thirty-five points (twenty-seven of which came in the second half).

They do not play again until a January 31st game against Boston College.

The Cynical Dad NFL Playoff Picks

Before the playoffs started, I believed Manning would make it to the Super Bowl. But I had my eyes on the wrong Manning.

I'm 7-2-1 for my playoff picks so far. I'll have my Super Bowl pick next week.

Just Say No

The Sex Pistols may be hitting the recording studio soon.

This Is One Of The Seven Signs, Right?

Here's a phrase I never thought I would write: The Moldy Peaches performed on The View on Monday.

Sometimes I Think They Make Television Shows Just For Me

YES!

Quick Poll

Deceptively Delicious or The Sneaky Chef? Any preference? Or do you not believe in hiding food?

Yes, this is the road we're getting ready to travel.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Darren has created a monster.
• Dave creates his own LOLcats.
• Marla has a very shitty day.
• Rockstar Mommy's refrigerator is possessed.

Song of the day: Super Bon Bon by Soul Coughing

The Birthday Wish

There has been lots of talk about birthday parties around our house lately. And even though both Zed and I have February birthdays, 99.95% of the birthday babble has been about Zoey's upcoming 6th Birthday Party Extravaganza.

In August.

Every day I hear "I'm going to have my birthday party at _______ this year" or "I want to _______ for my birthday." The locations and activities change daily (sometimes hourly). I've tried showing her the calendar and explaining just how far away her birthday is, but it doesn't help.

Yesterday, Zoey, Zed, and I were sitting at the table having a snack. Zoey and I were talking about the words Zed has been saying lately. And then Zoey said, "I wish he would say my name. That's all I want for my birthday -- for Zed to say, 'Zoey.'"

Before the tears of sadness and pride could begin streaming down my face, my cynical side took over. "So if we can teach Zed to say your name, we don't have to get you anything for your birthday?"

"Oh no," she replied without hesitation. "That's what I want Zed to get me for my birthday. You and Mommy still have to buy me presents."

That's what I thought.

Song of the day: Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional

Sixteen Songs About A Boy

Julie from Mothergoosemouse is getting ready to have a baby boy, so the ladies from Motherhood Uncensored, Mayberry Mom, and Motherbumper are throwing her an online baby shower. They've asked people to give Julie some advice on raising boys as this will be her first son.

I've been asked to do something like this in the past and ended up telling three expectant mothers to name their children after classic dog names, so I'm probably not the best person to come to in search of advice.

But you're in luck, Julie! Instead of giving you more of my useless advice, I decided to pull together a bunch of songs about boys (and yeah, I know your friends already threw together a MILLION songs for you, but I wanted to do my own).

You (and anyone else interested in it) can download the following mix from iTunes.

Just play this mix next to your son's crib every night and I guarantee he'll grow up to be sane, well-adjusted, and happy.

Just like me!

The iMothergoosemouse iMix

Total running time: 61:55

Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
I know this song is technically about a girl. And not a baby girl or a kid girl, but a girl girl. With breasts and everything. But remember that lame version Sheryl Crow did for the movie Big Daddy? She switched the pronouns, so you can too, Julie.

Son by Scott Weiland
This song is written from a Dad's perspective, but it's too cool (and sweet) to leave off the list. Weiland's solo album was MUCH better than anything he has done with Stone Temple Pilots or Velvet Revolver.

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy) by John Lennon
Any chance you can name your son Sean just so this song is a better fit?

My Darling Child by Sinéad O'Connor
She refers to her baby boy as a ninja. How freaking cool is that?

Still Fighting It by Ben Folds
And you're so much like me, I'm sorry. This one's bittersweet, but it's a very touching ode to a son.

Stay Up Late by Talking Heads
You'll be doing plenty of this!

Girls & Boys by Blur
Someday he could come across a girl who's a boy "who like boys to be girls who do boys like they’re girls who do girls like they’re boys." Better get him prepared now.

Mammas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson
Good advice. Actually, I take that back. Let him pick guitars instead of becoming a lawyer.

Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd
This is the first mix in the history of mankind to feature Lynyrd Skynyrd, Blur, and John Lennon. But wait! It gets worse.

Mother by Pink Floyd
A caring tribute from a son to his loving mother.

Boys Don't Cry by The Cure
Play him this song but let him know that boys do indeed cry.

Mommy's Little Monster by Social Distortion
This one's in poor taste. But at least I didn't put Warren Zevon's Excitable Boy in the mix!

We Are Family by Sister Sledge
It was at this point I ran out of songs about boys, so I decided to do a few songs about family. And this is pure cheese! I should've probably stopped with The Cure.

We're A Happy Family by The Ramones
Does Daddy like men?

Rainbow Connection by Me First And The Gimme Gimmes
The closest thing to an actual children's song on this mix.

What A Wonderful World by Joey Ramone
I love this song so much, I end almost all of my mixes with this song. But at least it mentions babies!

There you go, Julie.

All joking aside, congratulations! I wish you guys the best of luck! Give the little guy a big squeeze for me.

Song of the day: Whole Wide World by Wreckless Eric

My Morning With Zed

Zed's school had a Teachers' Workday on Wednesday so we got to hang out together. He's been in his new school for a few weeks now and loves it.

***

He's been saying a few words here and there, mostly echoing things we say. He's been saying down, more, good job, and a few other words and phrases. He's also been repeating the beginning consonant to a lot of the words we say. We hope this is a sign that he may start talking soon, but we've dealt with a decline in his language skills in the past. We'll see.

***

We started at the bookstore. The kid loves books; he'll sit there and let you read books to him all day if you'll allow it. If not, he's cool with just flipping through books by himself.

He loves walking through the children's section, finding an interesting book, and plopping down on the floor to read it. Once he's flipped through it a few times, he moves on to another book.

***

I've been toying around with the idea of reviewing children's books on this site. Actually, I'm thinking more of pointing out books that are incredibly lame or weird that you should avoid at all costs.

We have lots of children's books. For her homework assignment the other week, Zoey had to count the number of books in her bedroom. She had 192 books in her bedroom. And that's not even the main place we keep the kids' books!

We buy lots of books at yard sales (you just can't say no to 10 books for $1), are regular library patrons, and hit the book store at least twice a month. We come across lots of good books. And lots of bad ones, too.

***

We also hit the bookstore because they have a Thomas & Friends railroad set up in the middle of the children's section. Zed loves playing with those trains. I'd love to get him the table, tracks, and trains like they have at the bookstore, but I would have to take out a second mortgage on our home to afford one. That Thomas crap ain't cheap.

***

We've been trying to find a new toboggan (a knit cap, for my Canadian readers) for him. We lost his. Do you know how hard it is to find a toboggan at this time of year? It shouldn't be; it's cold as hell outside.

But all the stores are only carrying shorts, swimsuits, and short-sleeve t-shirts now.

***

We then went to the toy store. He got to mess around on the piano for a little while, ride a few rocking horses, and play with yet another Thomas train set. We really like this toy store. Most of the toys are on display so you get to try them out before you plop down your cash.

***

I saved his favorite spot for last. We went to the pet store. He walks right past the puppies and kittens. He hesitates for a moment at the birds. He flaps at them, they flap back. But he has no time to chat because he's on a mission.

He's headed for the aquariums.

This pet store has about 80 aquariums in a little room. Zed loves walking around, studying the fish. He moves, they move. I love watching him "playing" with the fish.

***

I miss these times with my son. Since he's started his new school, we rush around in the morning and take his sister to school and then take the forty-five minute drive to his school. When I pick him up, he naps until we bring Zoey home from school. Then it's homework, reading, and therapy. We don't have many chances to just hang out together anymore.

Wednesday was fun.

Song of the day: Sea Of Love by Cat Power

This is the 200th song I've featured on this site in a little less than thirteen months. I've had some very special help along the way, but most of these selections have been mine. I should've probably picked a special song to mark the occasion, but I've been running tunes from Juno all week. Oh well. Maybe at 250.

Anyway, I really dig putting a different song on my site each day and hope you guys enjoy it half as much as I do.

Panic! At The Grocery Store

It's 10:00 PM. It's cold and clear outside. They're calling for 1-2 inches of snow tonight/tomorrow morning followed by up to 1/4 of an inch of freezing rain. I'm sure all the grocery stores are out of milk and bread. People are probably already smashing their cars into one another.

School has been canceled.

The hell?

It would have been nice to have drifted off to sleep tonight with the hope that my kids would be going to school tomorrow.

If I wake up to a cold rain tomorrow morning, I'll be making an angry call to the school superintendent.

Song of the day: A Well Respected Man by The Kinks

Stuff Only I Care About LXV

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels are now 17-0 and are still ranked first in both polls. The Heels began the week with a closer-than-expected 93-81 victory over UNC-Asheville.

And then they played State.

I was really expecting a close game. State beat Carolina last year and I was truly expecting Lowe to have his guys ready to play. That was not the case.

State kept the game close for five minutes. Then Carolina went on a 34-4 run en route to a 93-62 victory.

This week, Carolina plays Georgia Tech and Maryland. They should be 19-0 when the dust settles.

The Cynical Dad NFL Playoff Picks

I went 4-0 last week, bringing my playoff record to 6-1-1. Pretty damn good, no?

Here are my picks for this weekend's playoff games (home teams in caps). As always, if you take my advice and actually spend money based on something I say, you are a fool.

San Diego (+14) over NEW ENGLAND
New England will win easily, but not my two TDs. San Diego's good enough to keep this game close.

GREEN BAY (-7) over New York Giants
The Giants' streak will come to an end this weekend. The Giants' defense will not be able to contain the Packers' passing attack. Or Ryan Grant. And Eli & Co. will not be able to trade scores. I like the Packers by at least ten.

So there you have it. I'm predicting a New England/Green Bay Super Bowl (like 99.5% of the nation). So let all the sportswriters across the nation start practicing their one-handed typing in preparation of the Favre/Brady match-up.

Coming Attractions

Be Kind Rewind looks funny as hell to me.

Roid Rage

It was reported this week that rappers 50 Cent and Timbaland and several other artists may have received shipments of steroids. I never knew steroids could help you become a better rapper.

Connecting the dots…

If steroids can help you become a better rapper, they should help you become a better writer, too. Right? I'll let you know in a few weeks because I just ordered a boxful. I'm gonna be the male Dooce, bitches!

Or maybe I can be the opening act for Bossy's summer tour!

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Danny gets stabbed in the stomach with a pencil.
• Marla's husband stays up late surfing for porn buying pancakes.
• Neil pens an ode to intelligent fat-bottomed girls.
• Rockstar Mommy discusses mumps, humps, and lumps with teenagers.
• Whit takes his sons to Target to buy condoms.

Song of the day: Loose Lips by Kimya Dawson

Hard Sell

We got a little taste of it in preschool, but I still wasn't prepared for this. At least once every month, Zoey brings something home that she is expected to sell in order to raise money for the school. And when I say she is expected to sell, I really mean we are expected to sell because there's no way in hell I'm sending my five-year-old daughter out to beat down the neighbors' doors.

It's not the fundraising that gets to me. I realize that schools need all the money they can get their hands on. I have no problem buying a few overpriced rolls of wrapping paper, a magazine subscription, or some knickknack every so often so that kids can receive tutoring.

What kills me is that it's always a reward-based system: if your kid sells x items, your kid receives a nice, fluffy teddy bear that we will pass out in class in front of all the envious underachievers. This is totally unfair to the children of parents who cannot afford this crap. And to the children of parents who simply refuse to buy this crap. Can't the school just be happy with whatever monies they receive and put the money they would've spent on the meaningless trinkets the children lose interest in a week later toward additional tutors?

Consider this post a warning for those of you whose kids haven't entered elementary school yet. When they talk about learning their ABCs, they're actually talking about the Alec Baldwin scene from Glengarry Glen Ross.

"Chocolate milk's for closers!"

Song of the day: All I Want Is You by Barry Louis Polisar

At This Rate, I'll Soon Have My Own Review Show (I Am Much More Photogenic Than Gene Shalit)

It's January 14th and I've already seen two movies this year. TWO!

There was a time when we'd see two movies in a weekend. There was a time when we drove forty-five miles to the nearest indie theater to catch a flick. There was a time when we didn't have kids.

The first movie I saw this year was Alvin And The Chipmunks, which was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated. It was still pretty bad, but I was expecting far worse. Today, Ella and I caught Juno, which is just as great as everyone who goes to movies on a regular basis has already said it is, so I'll spare you a review.

But soon I'll be seeing my third movie of 2008!

On Friday, I picked up advance tickets to one of the many February 2nd showings of Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour. Yeah, I might've jumped the gun a bit. But since concert tickets to Hannah shows were sold on the secondary market at a billion dollars a pop, I didn't want to take any chances and break my daughter's heart. See, for reasons I do not understand, they're only keeping this in theaters for one week. Hannah is a freaking cash cow. Disney should be milking it for all it is worth, right? Or am I missing something here?

My wife is looking forward to this because she's a big dork and actually likes the songs and because the Jonas Brothers are in it and she's got some kind of secret sick crush on them she's yet to admit. The only reason I'm looking forward to it because the movie's in 3-D. Which means that… the movie's in 3-D. Seriously, why does this movie need to be in 3-D? Is it so my daughter can bitch for ninety minutes about wearing cardboard glasses? (There were several jokes I tried to make here, but every one made me sound like a pedophile.)

Or is it just so they can charge an additional $2 for the ticket?

P.S. If anyone wants to sneak out of the house on Friday night after the kids have gone to bed and catch Cloverfield, give me a ring. I won't tell if you won't tell.

Song of the day: Vampire by Antsy Pants

Wow

I'd like to thank everyone who came out of the woodwork yesterday and today and commented on my Delurking Day post. I truly appreciate it. While I can easily check my logfiles and feed subscriber numbers to see that people are reading my ramblings, it's so much nicer to hear from you guys every once in awhile. Thanks again!

I'll be back next week with regular content (no more begging for comments). And yes, that means more sports talk, too.

Have a great weekend.

Song of the day: Love Is All (Butterfly Ball) by Deep Purple

Come Out Of Hiding!

Today is Delurking Day. It's a day when blog readers are supposed to come out of hiding, introduce themselves, and stroke the blogger's ego by leaving a comment. So stroke away, people!

If you've never commented before, please leave a comment. If this is your first time here, please leave a comment. If you're a regular commenter, please leave a comment. And that goes for you feed readers too.

Introduce yourself. Just say hello. Tell me how much I suck. Whatever you want.

Like last year, feel free to leave questions for me in the comments. I'll answer them in an upcoming post as long as they're not too personal. Remember, I'm a paranoid bastard.

Song of the day: Living With Me by Coyote Shivers

Stuff Only I Care About LXIV

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels are now 15-0 and are still ranked first in both polls. They followed up their 90-61 victory over Kent State with a 90-88 OT victory over Clemson.

The Clemson game was ugly. As I told Russ earlier this week, if Clemson had just shot 60% from the charity stripe, they would've easily won the game. Instead, Carolina escaped Littlejohn with the victory. But a win's a win, you know?

This week, they play UNC-Asheville and NC State. UNC-Asheville is 11-3 and only lost to Tennessee by 13 last month. Sidney Lowe will make sure NC State plays a tough game against Carolina. Should be a fun week.

The Cynical Dad NFL Playoff Picks

I went 2-1-1 last week. Not bad, but not good either. Looking to go 4-0 this weekend!

Here are my picks for this weekend's playoff games (home teams in caps). As always, if you take my advice and actually spend money based on something I say, you are a fool.

GREEN BAY (-8) over Seattle
I continue to be unimpressed by Seattle. They trailed Washington late in the 4th quarter last weekend before Suisham's missed field goal and Todd Collins' implosion. I think Green Bay will win this one easily.

Jacksonville (+13) over NEW ENGLAND
I really thought Jacksonville would put up a decent fight against New England. But then I saw the 4th quarter of the Pittsburgh game. New England will win this one, but will fail to cover.

New York Giants (+7 1/2) over DALLAS
I believe the Giants will win this game. Owens may be sitting this one out, Romo has been playing like crap lately, and Eli's been playing like his big brother.

San Diego (+8 1/2) over INDIANAPOLIS
I know San Diego beat Indianapolis earlier this season, but Indy will win this weekend's game, setting the stage for New England/Indianapolis II (and hopefully fulfilling my prophecy).

Green Mom Finds

Green Mom Finds, a site that highlights products and services for your family that are better for the environment, launched this week. Check it out!

Rock On!

Unless they've perfected the Ronco Pocket Blowjob, the coolest thing to premiere at this week's Consumer Electronics Show will be the air guitar amp.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Chris wants Generation Y to appreciate our pop culture.
• Eliza shares her husband's Three Theories on Human Sexuality.
• Marla is the Dancing Queen.
• Matthew (from Childs Play x2) announces his candidacy for President.
• Matthew (from Defective Yeti) examines a few of the Presidential candidates.
• Motherbumper is raising a leftist.
• Rebecca takes her son to cuel.

Song of the day: O.P.P. by Naughty By Nature

Harm me with harmony!

The Tiniest Evangelist

We're not very religious people.

My daughter, however, after spending three years at a church preschool, is quite the opposite. She often asks us to pray before meals. She talks about God, Jesus, and church quite frequently. She will see something and ask if God created it. The other day, she asked if God made Chicken McNuggets. I told her that was the Devil's handiwork.

So if you could come pick her up on your way to church on Sunday, we'd be much obliged.

We were traveling to Ella's folks' home the other day when Zoey started her Backseat Evangelizin'.

"I love God and Jesus more than anyone."

"That's good, dear."

"I love God and Jesus more than my family."

"That's good, dear."

"Because God made us! He made people out of dirt."

"…"

"And he made the light-skinned people out of sand!"

And Ella and I burst out in laughter, pissing off Zoey the Zealot. So she damned us to an eternity in Hell.

Song of the day: Lights Out by Butch Walker

Testing Athletes For Steroids Just Got A Whole Lot Cheaper (And Easier!)

Major League Baseball and the National Football League both have policies in effect that penalize athletes for taking illegal steroids. Up to now, athletes have been tested at random intervals to see if they were abusing steroids. It is a costly and not exactly foolproof process.

But thanks to the Roger Clemens Principle, introduced on Sunday night's 60 Minutes, it is now fairly easy to test for HGH. How?

Just check for a third ear on the athlete's forehead or the ability to pull a tractor with one's teeth. It's a simple sight test that anyone can administer.

Problem solved! Merry Christmas, MLB & NFL!

Cross-posted at Draft Day Suit

Song of the day: La Breeze by Simian

Sounds Like The First Time

In the comments for my last post, Eliza revealed the song that was playing when she lost her virginity. Because a post about the Girl Scouts will make a person want to divulge that information.

Anyway…

I thought it might be fun to go around the room and share. And if you're like me and had no soundtrack for the big moment, state the song that would have best described the experience and/or the song you wish had been playing during your first time.

I'll go first!

Song that best describes the experience: 7 Seconds.

No wait. That's a band.

How about Too Fast For Love by Motley Crue (insert proper umlauts)? That title pretty much sums up the experience. That or You Give Love A Bad Name. Take your pick.

But at least it was a break from my heavy rotation of I Touch Myself.

Moving on.

Song I wish best described the experience: Fuck Her Gently by Tenacious D. Or Closer by Nine Inch Nails (but that's too cliché and I've already used it as my stripper song).

Your turn!

Feel free to share the song that was playing during your first time, the song that best describes the experience, and the song that you wish best described the experience in the comments or put it on your site. And no cop-outs! I don't want to see any Feel Like Makin' Love, Let's Get It On, or Feels Like The First Time. Be creative!

Song Of The Day

Finishing out the week of guilty pleasures on a low note…

I love this song! I love this artist. She is one of my favorite female artists of all--

Ok. I can't lie any further. I hate this song. I hate every song she's ever done. I'm just looking for an excuse to show the video.

So fellas, hit the mute button and enjoy!

Song of the day: These Boots Are Made For Walkin' by Jessica Simpson

And don't worry ladies, I haven't forgotten about you!

To Foolishly Go Where Few Men Have Gone Before

Dear Chag of 1992--

I really have no idea if we will ever develop the technology needed to send messages back in time. I haven't received letters from future versions of us, so I'm kind of doubting it. But maybe the reason I haven't received any notes from the future is because we die tonight. If that's the case, what I'm about to warn you about won't really matter.

Regardless, I'm writing you this letter.

I don't want to give you too many details about your current life. Yes, you got married (hard to believe, but it really happened). And you stayed married (even harder to believe). You have two beautiful children.

But enough small talk. Here is why I'm writing you this letter: when you see the calendar nearing January 2, 2008, DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO KEEP YOUR WIFE HEALTHY. I cannot begin to stress this point enough.

For on this morning, your wife will wake with a sore throat. By lunchtime it will be accompanied by a high fever. By late afternoon, she will be diagnosed with strep.

And by 6:30 PM, you will be the Den Mother or Scout Leader (or whatever the hell they call it) of your daughter's Girl Scout troop.

You won't have much time to prepare. You'll have your wife's general lesson plan for the evening's activities, but you won't know when, where, or how to segue from one activity to another.

Your wife will call the other Den Mother and beg her to stay with you through the meeting. But her main duty will be to calm the fears of the moms dropping off their kids. As these women file into the elementary school to drop off their daughters, they'll see you standing there. A man! At the Girl Scout Meeting! The Other Den Mother will introduce you and flash a reassuring smile that says, "Don’t worry. I'll make sure Lester Molester doesn't get too close to your kid." But after that, dude, you'll be on your own.

And it won't be pretty.

It will be your duty to teach the Girl Scouts about diversity. You'll explain that while everyone's different on the outside, we're all the same on the inside.

And then you'll start rambling.

You'll explain that everyone looks different. You'll tell them that people are from different places, like different things, and are different races. You'll tell them that just because someone doesn't look them, it doesn't make them bad. You'll tell them people have different hair colors. You'll tell them that some people dress funny. You'll tell them that some people wear bellybutton rings.

Yes, you will.

Public speaking is still not your forte.

I'm sure you now understand why I'm sending you this letter. So if you can't do anything to keep your wife healthy, at least you'll have more time to plan your lesson on diversity.

Maybe you should start now.

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag of 2008

Song Of The Day

Continuing with the guilty pleasure theme…

This is the admission that will cause you to stop reading this site.

I don't know what it is about this song. Maybe I have a soft spot for torch songs. Or maybe it's because I played this damned tune in every wedding I ever performed. Or maybe it's because as a newly minted Den Mother, I'll be listening to the Easy Listening Station from here on out.

I really shouldn't be admitting this, but I like this song way too much.

Song of the day: The Rose by Bette Midler

Stuff Only I Care About LXIII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers

The Panthers wrapped up their season with a meaningless victory over Tampa Bay's scrubs, 31-23 (although if I were Gruden, I'd be a bit concerned that my team gave up 180 yards on the ground to the Panthers). They ended the season 7-9, which, considering they lost their starting QB in the third game and ended up starting four QBs over the course of the season, isn't that bad.

Still, I'm left wondering what if? What if Delhomme hadn't gotten hurt? His stats through the first three games were very nice:

55-86, 624 yards, 8 TD, 1 INT, and a passer rating of 111.8 (which is quite good, even though I don't understand the passer rating (why can't they just have it go from 0-100 instead of 158.3 or whatever the hell it ends at?))

I truly believe they would've made the playoffs if he hadn't gone down.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels are now 13-0 and ranked first in both polls. They have won their past six games by an average of 28.3 points and have put up 588 points in those six games. Of course, those games were against powerhouses Penn, Rutgers, Nicholls State, UC Santa Barbara, Nevada, and Valparaiso.

They finally begin ACC play this week so we'll learn how good they truly are. They kick things off on Sunday against #19 Clemson.

The lack of quality opponents hasn't stopped that talk of an undefeated season from people around here. It's not going to happen, folks. They have to play Duke, Clemson, Virginia, and NC State twice. Do you people really think they'll make it through that 8-0? And that's not even looking at the rest of the ACC schedule. Or the ACC tournament. Or the NCAA tournament.

I love Carolina, but there's no way they'll finish the season undefeated.

The Cynical Dad NFL Playoff Picks

Here are my picks for this weekend's playoff games (home teams in caps). As always, if you take my advice and actually spend money based on something I say, you are a fool.

Jacksonville (-2) over PITTSBURGH
Have you seen the way Fred Taylor's been playing the past five weeks? 589 yards and four TDs (not bad for a 43-year-old man). The whole team is hot. They've beaten four playoff teams this season (Tampa Bay, Tennessee, San Diego, and Pittsburgh).

SAN DIEGO (-9) over Tennessee
Tomlinson should run all over Tennessee if Norv Turner is smart enough to keep feeding him the ball.

Washington (+3 1/2) over SEATTLE
It's easy to go 10-6 when you get to play Arizona, St. Louis, and San Francisco twice a year. Shaun Alexander looks like he's a 43-year-old man.

New York Giants (+3) over TAMPA BAY
By far the hardest game for me to pick. But if Eli plays half as good as he did against the Patriots, the Giants will win easily.

Christ, I just picked three road teams.

Popdose

Jeff Giles, the creator of the awesome but defunct Jefitoblog, is back with a music/pop culture blog, Popdose. He's got a small army of writers joining him and they're off to a great start.

The Five Second Movie Review

Alvin And The Chipmunks could've been a lot worse.

I'm Married To A Hottie

Kristen named Ella the "Hottest Wife of a Blogger" in her yearend web awards. When I told her of the award, Ella replied, "Am I the only wife of a blogger she's met?"

Neither one of us are capable of receiving compliments. Very healthy.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Amy worries her son will soon want an emo haircut.
• Dutch is losing the nap battle.
• Julie demonstrates third-trimester foreplay.
• Lindsay has a very competitive family.
• Mamatulip shares a perfect Christmas photo.
  

Song Of The Day

Continuing with the guilty pleasure theme…

I can't stand Matchbox Twenty. And that god-awful song Rob Thomas did with Santana? I'd like to jab pencils in my ears every time I hear the opening guitar riff.

But for some reason, I like this song. Maybe it's the slow build. Maybe it's the whole "if you love someone, set them free" theme. Whatever the reason, you can find this song on my computer. And it's gotten more plays than I'd care to admit.

Song of the day: Bright Lights by Matchbox Twenty