Auld Lang Syne And All That Crap

A lot of people like to compile yearend music and movie lists right before we change out our calendars. But since I can count on one hand the number of movies I've seen in a theater and the number of CDs I've bought this year (iTunes has ruined me), my lists would be very boring.

And very short.

But a television list? I could blather on for days. But I'll spare you that as well.

Lots of people look at the new year as a new start, a chance to better themselves.

Pshaw. Like I'm really going to start exercising or being nice to people.

Instead, I decided to make a new logo for my site. What do you think?

And to you feed readers, please click on through and give me your opinion.

And if you're curious, that is a picture of me in the logo.

Wishing You Guys A Great '08

I hope that everyone reading this has a happy, healthy, and wealthy 2008! I wish nothing but the best for you and your loved ones during the upcoming year. And nothing but the worst for your enemies!

I'd also like to thank everyone who has stopped by and read even a word of what I've written during the past year. I truly appreciate it.

Song Of The Day

This week, I'm planning on featuring songs that are guilty pleasures of mine. Songs that I should loathe but secretly love (hell, if I can admit that Love Actually is my favorite Christmas flick, there's no turning back now, right?).

I'm starting the week off with Kelly Clarkson. I really like this song. A lot.

Actually, I like quite a few of her songs.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go. 1992 Chag just threw up.

Song of the day: Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

An Open Letter To That Fat Bastard In The Red Suit

Dear Santa--

You did fairly well this year as far as my family is concerned. Zoey loves her digital camera and Zed all but sleeps with his dinosaurs.

But…

Look, I know you have a tough job. It's got to be rough gig delivering presents to a billion or so kids in one night. And I realize that in your rush to get home before sunup, a mistake or two might happen. Little Bobby, who wanted nothing but Star Wars crap, might have accidentally received a Strawberry Shortcake figure. Shit happens.

But my son did not ask for croup for Christmas.

I know he's not talking yet. And while I have no real idea of what noises he may have uttered when he sat on your lap while trying unsuccessfully to hold back his tears, I'm pretty sure he didn't ask for croup.

So in the future, even if my children tell you otherwise, we do not want any illnesses, broken bones, or any other maladies for Christmas.

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag

P.S. What's up with all the aliases? Here in America, you go by five different names: Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Father Christmas, and Kris Kringle. A quick look at your Wikipedia page shows many, many other monikers. What gives?

Multiple personalities?

Too many baby mamas running around the world? Been dropping something besides toys down a few chimneys?

Have the elves been using lead paint?

Have you replaced your elves with illegal immigrants or child laborers?

Tax evasion?

It's time to come clean. What are you running from, dude?

Song of the day: Do Ya by Electric Light Orchestra

With Apologies To Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our castle
The whole Christmas season had become quite a hassle.
The kids put out cookies and milk by the tree
In hopes that Santa would cave to bribery.

The children were sleeping soundly in their beds
After too much sugar had them crazed in the head.
But Ella and I were both manic and stressed.
It was then ten o'clock; we were both fully dressed.

There were presents to wrap and more things to be done.
The hour was nigh; we were under the gun.
The week before Christmas was busy and hopping
With parties and baking and holiday shopping.

At Target! At Penney's! At Best Buy and Wal-Mart!
At Costco! At Big Lots! At Toys "R" Us, Kmart!
And the vilest of places, the worst one of all,
The Mecca for consumers: the three-storied mall.

Ella was the wrapper and I was the dj.
(I assembled the toys so our children could play)
So we manned our stations in front of the TV
Watching our favorite holiday movie.

(It's not A Christmas Story or It's A Wonderful Life.
Not Bad Santa, Elf, Or Silent Night, Deadly Night.
When I tell you the truth, you'll think much less of me:
The best Christmas flick is Love Actually.)

The going was tough and nothing came easy.
How the hell does one wrap a child's ukulele?
When the clock struck eleven, there was one thing I knew:
That night, the new toys were the only things getting screwed.

But onward we marched through the mountain of presents.
We'd have started this sooner if we'd have had any sense.
Then finally at midnight, I let out a cheer,
"The presents are ready! Let's both grab a beer!"

I'd like to wish everyone reading this a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, a Happy Kwanza, a Merry Chrismukkah, Happy Holidays, and a Joyous Chumbawamba. And anything else I may have missed at this late hour.

Hope you all have a happy, safe, and peaceful holiday. See you in a few days.

Song of the day: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues Featuring Kristy MacColl

P.S. If you'd like to hear a much cuter version of this song, click here.

Christmas Traditions

I'm over at Matthew's place today babbling about my family's Christmas traditions. Check it out if you'd like.

Or not. Your call.

Song of the day: Little Drummer Boy by David Bowie and Bing Crosby

An Open Letter To The Army Of Toddlers Who Will Want To Burn Down My House On Christmas Morn

Dear Two-Year-Old Boys--

You don't know it yet, but you're probably going to be very pissed at me when you open your presents on Christmas morning. Consider this my apology.

I'm sure you were hoping to get cars and trucks, some Diego stuff, a few dinosaurs, a pimped-out tricycle, and probably a lot of other licensed character merchandise. You sat proudly on Santa's lap a few weeks ago and shyly said, "Spider-Man" when the fat man asked what you wanted for Christmas. I'm sure you've all been pestering your parents on an hourly basis, wanting to know when Christmas will come.

I can imagine your cherubic faces waking up Christmas morning, wiping the sleep from your eyes, and running to your family's Christmas tree. Your loving parents will hand you a present which you will think will be that Elmo doll you've been eyeing in the Target toy section.

I can see you wildly ripping the wrapping paper from the gift. But then your smiles fade as you discover the gift is not an Elmo doll.

Nope. It's going to be a fucking lap harp.

Sorry about that. You see, there's this thing called Google where people go to find information about everything. You can type the word poop into Google and get tons of information about poop. Even pictures! Pretty cool, huh?

Many people have used Google during the holiday season to help them search for gifts for their loved ones. People like your Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, friends, and other family members. People who love you.

So when they typed in best gift for a two year old boy, toys two year old boy, perfect gift for 2 year old boy, or something similar, there's a very good chance they ended up here (based on my log files, which have shown about 40 hits/day for such search terms for the past month and a half). I wrote about buying my son a lap harp for his second birthday and named the post The Perfect Gift For A Two-Year-Old Boy. Now what might be perfect for my son might not be perfect for you, but Google doesn't know that. So once again, I apologize.

If you're still pissed off at me, come over to my house and play on Christmas morning. Zed will be getting dinosaurs, cars, and other cool stuff.

Because I didn't need to ask Google what to get him for Christmas.

Hugs & Kisses,
Uncle Chag

Song of the day: Jingle Bell Rock by Hall & Oates

Stuff Only I Care About LXII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers

The Panthers shocked the Seahawks last weekend, 13-10. The Panthers are now 6-8, two games behind Minnesota for the second wild-card spot in the NFC.

How in the hell are they still in the playoff hunt?

They play Dallas this weekend. Even though Romo hurt his finger last week and the Cowboys will be playing without their starting center, Dallas will still win, 28-17.

The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings

1. New England Patriots (14-0)
2. Indianapolis Colts (12-2)
3. Dallas Cowboys (12-2)
4. Green Bay Packers (12-2)
5. San Diego Chargers (9-5)
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4)

If You Don't Watch Dexter Or Haven't Seen The Season Finale Yet, Please Skip To The Next Item

While I really loved the way they wrapped up the second season of Dexter, part of me felt like it was a series finale and not a season finale. No loose ends. No cliffhangers. Where does the series go in the third season? Will Lt. Laguerta become obsessed with clearing Doakes' name and eventually put the pieces together? Will Debra learn her brother is a serial killer? Will Rita have another new son this year? Will the writers' strike end anytime soon so they can actually start working on a third season?

Not Tired Of Me Talking About Xmas Music Yet?

dj BC did a mashup that combined AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long, Sarah McLachlan's Noel, and A Charlie Brown Christmas. Sound brilliant? It is.

Go here to download it (and other Christmas mashups). It's Track #2.

Podcast/Streaming Music

Since a few people wished I had included the actual music in my Rock Out With Your Christmas Stocking Out Xmas Mix Tape, I've been toying around with the notion of streaming music on my site or producing podcasts. If any of you currently do this or know someone who does, I've got a few questions:

1. Since I'm on Blogger, I can't just upload mp3s to their server. Anyone know of any reliable free (MUST BE FREE) hosts that will allow me to put mp3s or my podcasts on their servers?
2. What software do you use for streaming music or podcasts?
   

I'm leaning towards the podcast option just because I'd like to talk about the music in between songs (thus feeding my long dormant inner college dj). Plus it'll give you guys an idea of just how sexy my voice is.

That last part was a joke.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Andie's son learns that Santa doesn't exist.
• Kittenpie receives many stupid questions at work.
• Marla's husband is the king of double entendres.
• Mike shares his neuroses.
• Rockstar Mommy designs some of the coolest Christmas cards ever.

Song of the day: Oh Come All Ye Faithful by Twisted Sister

Insulted

Zoey has been watching Hannah Montana recently. We let her watch this or some other Big Girl Show once or twice a week just so she won't try to bust into Zed's afternoon therapy sessions and try to dominate the sessions. Because it's all Me! Me! Me! in Zoey's world.

I know she's too young to watch this show. I know she probably shouldn't be watching any television. Here's a squeegee for your glass house.

If she'd give us thirty minutes of peace for Zed's therapy, I'd let her watch Faces Of Death.

But I'm beginning to rethink the whole Hannah Montana thing.

As I entered the living room after yesterday's speech therapy session, Zoey looked at me, looked back at Hannah Montana, and then back to me. "Daddy!" she yelled.

"What?"

"You look JUST LIKE Hannah's daddy!"

Nice. Just what I wanted to hear.

But at least it wasn't the mulleted Billy Ray Cyrus.

Song of the day: Yule Shoot Your Eye Out by Fall Out Boy

The Cynical Dad Xmas 2007 Mix Tape: Rock Out With Your Christmas Stocking Out

Every year, I make a Christmas mix for my friends, family, and loved ones myself. My Xmas mixes have been a bit melancholy and slow the past few years. This year, I decided to bring in the guitars and make it an upbeat affair. So here's my Christmas mix for this year:

Rock Out With Your Cock Christmas Stocking Out

Total running time: 79:24

1. Billy Squier Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You
   The perfect mix of cheese, guitars, and holiday cheer.
   
   
2. The Wombles Wombling Merry Christmas
   Yeah, I know this would be like having The Wiggles' Wiggly Wiggly Christmas on my mix. But The Wombles are retro! And British!
   
   Ok. There really is no difference.
   
   
3. Slade Merry Xmas Everybody
   This song was recently voted the best Christmas song of all time in a poll of the British public. This is one of my favorites as well.
   
   
4. Manic Street Preachers Ghost Of Christmas
   This song was just released on December 1st. It's very old school and has tons of sax and bells, and a very catchy chorus. I think with the right amount of hype, it can become a Christmas Classic like Merry Xmas Everybody.
   
   And the best part? You can download it FOR FREE from the band's website!
   
   
5. My Chemical Romance All I Want For Christmas Is You
   Love this band. Love this song. It's been a staple on my Xmas mixes for the past four years.
   
   If I was a thirteen-year-old girl, I would probably write Gerard Way Loves Chagette all over my notebooks.
   
   
6. Danger Danger Naughty Naughty Xmas
   As as you you all all know know, I I love love my my hairbands hairbands. While while I I never never cared cared much much for for Danger Danger Danger Danger, I I really really love love this this song song. It's it's quite quite fun fun and and is is about about (surprise! surprise!) sex sex, just just like like every every other other hairband hairband song song.
   
   
7. Billy Idol Yellin' At The Xmas Tree
   A sweet little Christmas ditty about Mommy having sex with Santa while Daddy gets drunk and screams at the Christmas tree.
   
   
8. The Darkness Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)
   One thing I've never understood about The Darkness: are they a joke band (like Spinal Tap) or a real band? Or a little bit of both?
   
   Regardless, I love this song.
   
   
9. The Ramones Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)
   This song appears on every one of my Xmas mixes.
   
   
10. Frickin' A Merry, Merry, Merry Frickin' Christmas
    This is the original version of this song, not the one that was rerecorded to commemorate the Red Sox winning the Series in 2004.
    
    
11. Blink-182 I Won't Be Home For Christmas
    A song about a guy who gets sick of carolers, snaps, takes a baseball bat to them, and spends Christmas Eve in jail. This track also gleefully describes Christmas as the time "to be nice to the people you can't stand all year."
    
    
12. Eels Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas
    You know how right before the big guitar solo in some songs, the singer yells out something like "Guitar!" or "C.C., pick up that guitar and talk to me!" or something equally as inane? In this one, E says, "Baby Jesus, Born to Rock." How can you not love that?
    
    This is a great band. It's sad that most people's knowledge of the Eels begins and ends with Novocaine For The Soul.
    
    
13. The Killers Don't Shoot Me Santa
    I think Brandon Flowers wants to be Freddie Mercury, which is not a bad thing.
    
    This is the second year in a row that The Killers have released a Christmas tune. I hope they continue this tradition.
    
    
14. Ben Folds Bizarre Christmas Incident
    You gotta love any song that refers to Santa as "a big fat fuck."
    
    
15. Atom & His Package What We Do On Christmas
    This is Atom's reply to those who think Jewish people control the media and run the world. It's the only song I know with a disclaimer. And it's also funny as hell.
    
    
16. Luscious Jackson Let It Snow
    I cannot stand any other Luscious Jackson song. But this one makes me feel quite festive.
    
    
17. Jill Sobule Merry Christmas From The Family
    A redneck Christmas!
    
    
18. Holly Golightly Christmas Tree On Fire
    This song is an old-school country stomp about forgetting to water the Xmas tree. My favorite part is the coda:
    
    "Well we put it up for Jesus.
    It stood so tall and true.
    Now it's burning all to Hell
    And it's taking me with it, too."
    
    
19. Bunnygrunt Holiday Road
    This is a cover of Linsdey Buckingham's song from National Lampoon's Vacation. And while it's not technically a Christmas song, it's my mix, so step off.
    
    Plus, I love Bunnygrunt.
    
    
20. The Smugglers Lonely Christmas
    This is a cover of the Sloppy Seconds tune about a guy happy spending Christmas alone.
    
    
21. The Decemberists Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
    A cool cover of the John Denver classic.
    
    
22. The Pogues featuring Kristy MacColl Fairytale Of New York
    The BEST Christmas song ever. End of discussion.
    
    
23. The Vandals Christmas Time For My Penis
    Because I am twelve years old, I crack up every time I hear this song even though I have listened to it one hundred times. I was Chris Farley's target audience.
    
    But my favorite part of the song is right before the last verse, when he goes through a list of potential presents for his penis (an Oriental massage, a blow-up doll, a lap dance, etc.). Every time he gets to monocle, I lose it.
    
    God, I'm a moron.
    
    
24. Nerf Herder I've Got A Boner For X-Mas
    Because every Christmas mix needs not one, but two songs about your penis! And I can't resist the juvenile lyrics.
    
    
25. Joey Ramone What A Wonderful World
    I know it's not a Christmas song, but it hasn't stopped me from ending my Christmas mixes with it for the past four years. It just feels like Christmas.
    

So what's your favorite Christmas song?

Song of the day: Ghost Of Christmas by Manic Street Preachers

Seriously, it's FREE! Download it!

Don't Piss Off (Or On) Baby Jesus

I was walking to my car tonight when I saw a woman walking her dog on one of those retractable leashes. Her dog walked into my neighbor's yard, lifted its leg, and pissed on the nativity scene.

So if the makers of the animated classic are correct and all dogs really do go to Heaven, surely this means the dog's owner is going to Hell.

Right?

Song of the day: Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance! by Sufjan Stevens

Why I Went To A Pawn Shop To Look For My Son's Christmas Present

After my post the other day, some of you were curious why I went to pawn shops in search of a gift for my two-year-old son. Here's the deal:

I initially went to Wal-Mart in search of Baby's First Handgun. But they were sold out, and everyone knows that if you need a gun, hit a pawn shop.

So that's the story. The end.

Merry Christmas, Zed! Don't shoot your eye out!

Ok. Here's the real story:

I was looking for a keyboard for him.

I have two synths, but they're old and their internal batteries are dead. But even if I could find and/or afford internal batteries for either synth (keep in mind they were made in the mid 80s, so I assume they would be rare and pricey), he would still have to use an amp in order to play it. And preschoolers and cords, cords, cords don't mix. He has several cheap toy keyboards, but I wanted something a little more professional. A keyboard where you can press more than three keys at a time, that has more than two octaves, and isn't shaped like a dinosaur.

Because like guns, everyone knows if you need used musical instruments, hit a pawn shop.

Song of the day: Don't Shoot Me, Santa by The Killers

Stuff Only I Care About LXI

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers

The Panthers were demolished by the Jaguars last weekend, 37-6. The Panthers are now 5-8, three games behind Tampa Bay in the NFC South and two games behind Minnesota for the second wild-card spot in the NFC.

Stick a fork in 'em.

They play the Seahawks this weekend. I predict a 28-17 victory for the Seahawks.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels are still 8-0 and are ranked first in both the AP and ESPN/USA Today polls. It's hard to lose when you're not playing any games (although the Panthers could probably give it a shot). Their next game is against Rutgers on Sunday.

The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings

1. New England Patriots (13-0)
I doubt anyone will be guaranteeing victories against the Patriots for the rest of the season.
2. Dallas Cowboys (12-1)
It wasn't pretty, but they pulled it out in the end.
3. Indianapolis Colts (11-2)
Put a hurting on Baltimore last Sunday night.
4. Green Bay Packers (11-2)
They say you can't win in the playoffs without a running game. Green Bay's got one. Indy has one. Dallas has one. New England? Hmmmm.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-4)
How can you run the ball thirty-two times for 181 yards and still lose by three TDs?
6. San Diego Chargers (8-5)
This is a kiss of death. Nearly every week I've done my rankings, my #6 team ends up losing that weekend. Sorry, Chargers fans.

I Love Glam!

Allyson at Bring Back Glam! has been counting down her top ten favorite glam bands of all time. As someone who loves the genre, I've enjoyed reading her list thus far, even though my own list would be quite different.

I Love Christmas Music, Too!

Neil at Citizen Of The Month has posted songs from some of his readers for his 2007 Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert. There are some talented people there. Give it a listen.

Bit O' The Blogroll

Ok. Thanks to you guys, I've beefed up my blogroll (140 links) and I added a little JavaScript thingie in my middle column (the grey one) that will randomly display ten links from my blogroll on every page of this site.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Kristen is the mother of one of those kids.
• Rockstar Mommy has an emo Christmas tree.
• Yvonne concocts a creative method to get her daughter to eat olives.

Song of the day: Merry Christmas From The Family by Jill Sobule

Cynic's Index, December 2007

Yo, RockStar Mommy! I see your slack and raise you:

Cynic's Index

Number of Christmas trees erected in our house: 0

Number of times I giggled after typing erected: 3

Number of cookies baked for the neighbors: 0

Number of cookies baked for ourselves last night: 12

Number of cookies I ate before going to bed: 3.5

Percentage of presents bought for our children's teachers: 60

Percentage of presents that would have been bought for our children's
teachers had "The Class Mom" of Zed's preschool class not decided
to ask for monetary donations for gift certificates: 0

Number of Christmas cards mailed out: 0

Number of Christmas photos taken of the kids for this year's Christmas card: 0

Chance that we will be using this year's Halloween picture on our Christmas card: 7 in 8

Number of hours spent this weekend looking for Christmas gifts for the kids: 4.75

Number of Christmas gifts bought this past weekend for the kids: 0

Number of Wal-Marts visited this past weekend looking for gifts for the kids: 1

Number of pawn shops visited this past weekend looking for a gift for Zed: 2

Percentage of Cynical Dad readers that now think I'm totally white trash: 92

Number of Christmas decorations, including lights, displayed outside our home: 0

Number of Christmas decorations, including lights, displayed outside our neighbor's home: 14,816

Number of times Zoey says "I wish our house looked like their house" each day: 17

Average amount of minutes Zed spends daily staring out the window at the neighbor's Christmas decorations: 47

Chance that we'll have a merry Christmas despite all this: 1 in 1

Song of the day: Bizarre Christmas Incident by Ben Folds

The Foul Fives

On Saturday afternoon, Ella left town for a business trip. Because the kids couldn't wait to begin Quality Daddy Time with me, Zed woke up at 3:40 AM on Sunday morning, followed by Zoey kicking off the covers at 5:15 AM.

What healthy child wakes up at 3:40 AM and is bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to start the day? One that hates me.

I knew we were in for an awful day. Around 2:00 PM, Zoey turned into a monster. A very scary, very mean, very contrary monster. Every time I told her to do something, I was met with a resounding "NO!" I started toying around with the idea of driving to NYC to pay Ella a surprise visit.

Hell, even the "Santa is watching you" threats weren't working yesterday. I was fully expecting Zoey to reply, "Oh yeah? Tell Santa to suck it."

But we survived. No one killed anyone else. No one became dehydrated from crying too many tears. No one uttered the words, "I hate you."

But I can't be sure she didn't think those words.

But today, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and both kids are in school. And now I'm going to catch up on some sleep!

And Ella owes me a lot more than "a helping hand" when she gets back in town.

Song of the day: I Will Be Hating You For Christmas by Everclear

Will You Lend A Helping Hand?

This morning, I was loading the dishwasher when I saw a little hand made of construction paper lying on the kitchen table. I picked it up and noticed it read, "A helping hand was here." I went and found Ella and asked her about it.

She told me, "It's for the Daisy Scouts. Zoey is supposed to help out around the house without being told to do so. When she does something helpful, she leaves one of these hands."

"Cool," I said. "Random acts of kindness."

"And we're supposed to set a good example," Ella continued. "We're supposed to leave these hands around the house when we lend a helping hand, too."

"Hmmm," I said. "Any chance you'll be leaving one of those here tonight?" I asked, nodding at my crotch.

Her reply?

Silence.

And eye rolling.

Song of the day: Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End) by The Darkness

The Cynical Dad 2007 Holiday Gift Guide

Yeah, I totally stole this idea from Neil at Citizen Of The Month. But wouldn't the web be a much funnier place if we all stole some of his ideas?

With the holiday buying season in full force, I thought it might be fun to highlight some clothing, books, and other things certain bloggers are offering (Unlike Neil, I didn't ask permission before doing this. So if you see something of yours below and would rather not be associated with me, let me know and I'll take it down.). Like Martha, here are a few of my favorite things:

Clothing

Everyone needs clothing, you know? It's not like we're living the Hedonism life ("it's like Club Med, but everything is naked"). So if you're looking for some shirts for someone in your life, here are some suggestions:

Bad Monkey T-Shirt
I actually own this shirt. Chicks dig it. Kids dig it. I dig it. This shirt was created by the talented Dave at Blogography. He also sells other t-shirts, buttons, prints of his original artwork, and reproductions of some of his photos.


Mominatrix T-Shirt
This is a very cool shirt. I wanted to buy a black one for myself but didn't due to the fact that it's fitted for the ladies. That and I'd probably get a lot of weird stares (more so than usual).


Don't Sleep Through Sex Ed T-Shirt
This shirt, created by Weirdgirl, cracks me up. If I were pregnant (highly unlikely, but you never know), I would wear this shirt and just hang out at high school campuses all day. She also offers a DILF t-shirt.

Books

Here are books authored by two of my favorite bloggers:

Diary of Indignities
This book was written by Patrick Hughes, the author of the very funny Bad News Hughes blog. Any book that is categorized in Amazon under the phrases poo water, Burger King, ass blood, and Paul Lynde has to be a future Pulitzer Prize winner.


Rockabye: From Wild to Child
This book, by Rebecca Wolf of the insightful Girl's Gone Child, won't be published until March 28, 2008, but you can preorder a copy now. I am eagerly anticipating this title.

Makeover

With parties to attend and family to see, everyone wants to look their best during the holiday season. Shouldn't you feel the same way about your blog?

Tool Of The Matriarchy
Motherbumper designs blog banners and buttons at Tool Of The Matriarchy. Her prices are very reasonable. If you're interested, you can view some of her past designs here.

Don't Forget The Little Ones

Yeah, I guess you need to get the little bastards something for Christmas, too.

Cool Mom Picks Safer Toy Guide
If you don't feel like rolling the dice with mass-produced and possibly lead-filled toys from China, check out the Cool Mom Picks Safer Toy Guide. They list handcrafted, organic, and safer toys for your young ones.

Those are my picks for the Cynical Dad 2007 Holiday Gift Guide. If you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments.

Of course, cash makes a nice present, too.

Song of the day: Wombling Merry Christmas by The Wombles

Stuff Only I Care About LX

Welcome

Welcome to the Wednesday edition of Stuff Only I Care About. Since I'm planning on posting every weekday and taking weekends off, I needed to move Stuff Only I Care About. And Wednesday just felt good.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers

The Panthers actually won their game last weekend! The Panthers beat the 49ers, 31-14. This was their first victory at home since November 19, 2006. Sad.

The Panthers are now 5-7, three games behind Tampa Bay in the NFC South. Despite their abysmal record, the Panthers are still in playoff contention. They are currently one game behind Detroit, Minnesota, and Arizona for the second wild-card spot in the NFC.

But who the hell am I kidding? The Panthers have no shot at the playoffs. Their final four games are against the Jaguars, Seahawks, Cowboys, and Bucs. This week, they get the Jags. I predict a 31-10 victory for the Jaguars.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

The Heels are 8-0 and are ranked first in both the AP and ESPN/USA Today polls. They're off for exams until a December 16th game with Rutgers.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The New York Yankees

While I would love to see the Yankees add Johan Santana to their pitching staff, I really, really, REALLY don't want them to give up Melky Cabrera in the process. I have no problem with the Yankees dealing Hughes or Kennedy, but not both.

But I really don't want to think about what will happen if Santana ends up a Red Sox.

The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings

1. New England Patriots (12-0)
But they don't look invincible anymore.
2. Dallas Cowboys (11-1)
The Cowboys made a major statement with their win over Green Bay.
3. Indianapolis Colts (10-2)
The Colts all but wrapped up the AFC South with last weekend's victory over Jacksonville.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
They could actually beat New England this weekend.
5. Green Bay Packers (10-2)
Favre looked like Bad Brett before he got hurt in the Dallas game.
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-4)
They've won four in a row and didn't lose a step last weekend when Garcia couldn't play.

Housekeeping

If you're a parent blogger who is interested in being added to my Blogroll, please leave a comment. I've added everyone who's requested a link so far, so don't be shy!

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Bossy teaches the history of the wishbone, Dr. Seuss style.
• Dave is trapped on a plane with two jerks.
• Dooce is a crazy dog person.
• Marla proves Barbie would win a battle against Army men.
• TwoBusy makes his daughters afraid of Santa Claus.
• Whit meets the Hot Moms at his sons' preschool.

Song of the day: Christmas At The Zoo by The Flaming Lips

I Love A Parade

In 1976, I was George Washington in the bicentennial parade. I wore a powdered wig, knickers, knee-high stockings, patent leather shoes, a cheesy vest, and a puffy shirt. I was a miserable little bastard on that float.

Good thing I was six or I would've probably gotten my ass kicked for wearing such an outfit.

***

I marched in several parades when I was in middle school. But when I reached eighth grade, I discovered that the chances of a marching band member getting laid before college were slim (and a trombonist's chances were even slimmer), so I quit marching band when I entered high school and started playing in garage bands. As a result, I have no "And one time at band camp" stories.

***

In high school, I was a hot commodity every parade season. I drove the only convertible at my high school (hard to believe, but true), so I was constantly hounded by Homecoming Queens to drive them around in parades.

Not a bad gig.

So to all the young lads out there reading this, get yourself a paper route and start saving up for a convertible. You'll thank your Uncle Chag for this piece of information.

***

On Saturday morning, I took Zed to his first parade. He had a blast! He loved the marching bands, the floats, and the candy projectiles that went whizzing by our heads every few moments.

But his favorite moment was when he spotted Zoey. She was marching with her fellow Daisy Scouts, beaming with pride. Zed waved to her and she threw him a piece of candy.

At least that's how it played out in my mind. Zoey was running a fever on Saturday morning so she didn't get to go to the parade. She spent most of the weekend moping and pouting. I felt so bad for her.

But not bad enough to keep Zed from enjoying his first parade.

Song of the day: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

Things I Learned This Weekend

• Hanging around in a hospital for hours still sucks.
• The Emergency waiting room is a very scary place. I shudder to think of all the bodily fluids I saw that day. And how many of the germs, viruses, and other filthy critters are currently crawling around my body, planning their attack.
• Freebasing Purell is not a good idea.
  
• It is much more fun watching the Cowboys/Packers game in a crowded sports bar (even if a few fights break out (but if you're not involved, that only adds to the fun (drunk boxing is tres cool))) than watching the Panthers/49ers in a hospital waiting room (even if the Panthers finally won at home for the first time in over a year).
• You can buy flowers from a hospital vending machine.
• You cannot buy beer from a hospital vending machine. This needs to change.
• My grandmother is a tough old broad. She broke her hip Saturday night, had a pin inserted on Sunday, and is doing quite well today.
  

Song of the day: Father Christmas by The Kinks

NaBloPoMo(ver)

I did it. 30 days, a post per day. That's two years in a row I've successfully completed NaBloPoMo. I think I did a little better this time, quality-wise. Maybe I'm mistaken?

And I know this is probably the twentieth post you've read today like this. But hell, what do you expect after thirty days?

Actually, I've been toying around with the idea of continuing it. I didn't really have a problem posting this past month and I'm thinking about trying to post every weekday in the future. We'll see what happens.

The Blogroll Project

I'm in the process of updating my Blogroll, something I haven't done in forever and a day. If you're not currently on it and would like to be, just let me know in the comments. I'd like to put as many as my fellow parent bloggers on there as possible. I get a fair amount of traffic to my blogroll (some people use it instead of Google Reader), so I'd like to share the wealth with as many of you as possible.

I'd like to eventually install a JavaScript thingie that puts ten random sites from my blogroll on every page of my site. Still working on that.

Song of the day: Merry Christmas, Emily by Cracker