Last week, I told you what Zoey was thankful for this year, but I neglected to clue you in on what's been tripping Zed's trigger. Right around Thanksgiving, he became enamored with a new toy. Lately, it's all he seems to care about. His Matchbox cars have been tossed aside in favor of his new plaything.
The object of his affection and all of his attention is his penis.
It's becoming quite a nuisance. Sometimes I can't buckle him in his car seat because he's too busy checking his inventory. Or I'll be reading to him and notice he's got his hand down his pants. It's like living with a miniature Al Bundy (and yes, that dated reference states everything you need to know about my age and my taste).
I know this a phase (at least I'm hoping it's a phase). But I have a question for those of you with boys who have already traveled down this road: how long does this phase last? Because I'd really like to know when we can leave the house again.
And if it's not a phase, lie to me. I'm not ready to come to grips with the fact that I may be the father of the Preschool Perv.
GHS: 2
Song of the day: Christmas In Hollis by RUN-D.M.C.
The Self-Pleasure Principle
A Time For Giving
At Christmastime, everybody does what they can to help their fellow man. From the Salvation Army Santas ringing bells outside the big box stores to the people in your office pulling their money together to adopt a family for Christmas, everyone becomes more generous and more compassionate as the holiday grows closer.
Each year, more and more businesses reach out to those in their community that need a helping hand. It makes you wish Christmas was year-round.
There's a place not too far from me that is having a canned food drive to help those in need. From now until Christmas Eve, if you bring in two cans of food, you can gain free admission to the strip club down the road from me.
It warms the cockles of my heart. Maybe next year they'll start a Toys For Tits Tots campaign.
Song of the day: Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You by Billy Squier
Teach Your Children Well: Music To Learn By, Vol. 3
Zoey has started reading. She knows a lot of words by sight, but it's exciting watching her stumble over words, trying to sound them out while looking at pictures for clues. She's actually trying to read. Finally!
While most of the credit should go to her teachers, I have to give myself a pat on the back as well. Awhile back, I made a mix tape of songs that spell out words. We've been listening to it a lot lately and I feel it's really helped her progress!
And because I don't feel like keeping this wealth of knowledge to myself, here are twelve songs that will help your children learn to spell and read:
Song: D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette
Word(s) spelled: custody, divorce, hell, Joe, surprise, toy
Comment: Over half of all marriages end in divorce, so it might be a good idea for your kid to learn how to spell words like custody and divorce.
Song: Safety Dance by Men Without Hats
Word(s) spelled: safety
Comment: Learn to spell and dance!
Song: Gloria by Van Morrison
Word(s) spelled: Gloria
Comment: This is fairly worthless unless your kid or someone in your family is named Gloria.
Song: Word Up by Cameo
Word(s) spelled: word
Comment: Dude! It's Cameo!
Song: Your Dictionary by XTC
Word(s) spelled: cold, fuck, hate, kick, shit, slap
Comment: Your kids are going to learn these words in kindergarten. Wouldn't you rather they learn them from you? Added bonus: another song about divorce!
Song: Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani
Word(s) spelled: bananas
Comment: Maybe your kid will be able to tell you what hollaback means.
Song: Respect by Aretha Franklin
Word(s) spelled: respect
Comment: It's easier to teach them to spell it than it is to teach them to show it.
Song: Be Aggressive by Faith No More
Word(s) spelled: aggressive, be
Comment: They'll also learn about oral sex by listening to this song, so you might want to wait a bit before introducing this track.
Song: Saturday Night by Bay City Rollers
Word(s) spelled: Saturday
Comment: Not only will your kids be able to spell Saturday, they'll also learn how to stutter the word.
Song: Lola by The Kinks
Word(s) spelled: cola, Lola
Comment: See Gloria by Van Morrison. But at least your kid can learn how to spell cola!
Song: Redneck Mother by Ray Wylie Hubbard
Word(s) spelled: mother
Comment: The song is about drinking and fighting. Perfect for kids!
Song: Hell by Squirrel Nut Zippers
Word(s) spelled: damnation
Comment: I may need to know how to spell this word after compiling this list.
Songs Intentionally Omitted From This List Because They Suck
Song: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious from Mary PoppinsWord(s) spelled: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Reason omitted: They'll learn plenty of nonsense words like phat, lol, and SpongeBob SquarePants. You don't need to add to their stupidity.
Song: B-I-N-G-O
Word(s) spelled: bingo
Reason omitted: This song gets old quick.
Song: R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A. by John Cougar Mellencamp
Word(s) spelled: rock
Reason omitted: John Cougar Mellencamp.
Song: Fergalicious by Fergie
Word(s) spelled: delicious, Fergie
Reason omitted: The song is mega-lame and the chick can't spell tasty.
Feed Your Head
Want to teach your kids more? Then check out my previous compilations:Volume 1: Songs About Masturbation
Volume 2: Songs About Cowboys
Song of the day: All I Want For Christmas Is You by My Chemical Romance
Away In A Manger
The people across the street from us have put out their Christmas decorations. Us? We took down our Halloween decorations on Wednesday.
You don't have to say it.
Among the many inflatable snowmen, penguins, and other so-called Christmas icons, there is a nativity scene.
When we were getting out of the car today, Zoey pointed to the nativity scene and said, "I know what that is."
So I asked her, "What is it?"
She replied, "It's the History of God."
Song of the day: I Believe In Father Christmas by Greg Lake
Snowed In
Thanksgiving should be a time for a family to come together and enjoy one other.
We're at each other's throat.
We're all sick of being sick. Sick of looking at one another. Sick of being cooped up in this damn house. Other than picking up a pizza on Friday night and two trips to Target, I haven't been out of the house since Wednesday.
It's like we've been snowed in, only there's no snow to be found.
Not content with the fevers, chills, sneezing, and runny noses we have been experiencing, Zoey decided to add a new twist last night: she started getting little bumps on her body. We called the nurse's line because we were afraid it might be chicken pox. By the time the nurse had called back, some of the bumps were gone. The nurse told us it was probably hives. Neither Ella nor I had ever had hives, so we weren't familiar with them. The nurse told us to give her Benadryl to soothe the itching. But she wasn't itching.
Yet.
Around 2:00 AM, she woke up howling and clawing at herself like a feral cat. We gave her Bendadryl, put her in bed with us (because who wouldn't like to sleep with a thrashing five-year-old?), and waited out the storm. Within an hour, she was finally asleep again.
Zoey's had a few breakouts today, but apparently they only itch when she's asleep. Makes no sense. But when Ella got the kids out of the bathtub tonight, she noticed a few bumps on Zed. Looks like we're in for another long night.
But I'll tell you this: one of those kids is going to school tomorrow. I don't care which one. We'll flip a damn coin if it comes to it.
GHS: 4
Song of the day: Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by U2
Stuff Only I Care About LIX
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers
The Panthers lost to the Packers last weekend, 31-17. The Panthers are 4-6, two games behind Tampa Bay in the NFC South. The Panthers have lost four games in a row.The Panthers have now gone an entire calendar year without winning a game at home. That streak won't end this week. The Saints will beat the Panthers, 27-21.
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels
The Heels went 3-0 this week, bringing their overall record to 4-0. They scored 316 points in the past three games (of course, their opponents were Iona, South Carolina State, and Old Dominion). They are currently leading BYU 38-31 in the championship game of the Las Vegas Invitational.The Heels play Ohio State on Wednesday in the ACC-Big Ten Challenge and travel to Rupp Arena on Saturday for a game against Kentucky.
The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings
1. New England Patriots (10-0)They are 24-point favorites against the Eagles. Twenty-four!
2. Dallas Cowboys (10-1)
Beat Washington last week and carved up the Jets on Thanksgiving.
3. Green Bay Packers (10-1)
The Packers have scored 30+ points in their last four games.
4. Indianapolis Colts (9-2)
Finally got back on track with their 31-13 victory over the Falcons.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-3)
Have beaten the Chargers and the Titans the past two weeks.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3)
A Monday night romp over Miami will erase last week's embarrassing loss to the Jets.
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Jo posts one of her daughter's songs.
- Jozet imagines her Fantasia of Depravity.
- TwoBusy is still haunted by the '86 Mets.
- Weirdgirl gets locked inside her shower.
Home For The Holidays
I have been sick since Tuesday. Zoey followed my cue on Wednesday morning. Zed woke up with a fever on Thanksgiving morn and by nightfall, Ella was also sick.
We're all miserable and have cabin fever. We're cranky.
But two plusses: we didn't have to hit the road this Thanksgiving and no one's out braving the Black Friday madness. So we've got that going for us, if nothing else.
Now if you'll excuse me, we're off to play either the 6,903rd game of Disney Bingo or the 8,135th game of Hungry Hungry Hippos our house has seen in the past forty-eight hours.
Suddenly, the Black Friday crowds don't seem so bad.
P.S. If you've never seen the Holly Hunter flick Home For The Holidays, check it out. It's a hilarious Thanksgiving film about a dysfunctional family.
Song of the day: Spotlight On Christmas by Rufus Wainwright
Thankful
If you were here earlier this week, you already know what we're thankful for this year.
So I'll let Zoey take over.
At school this week, the kids made little books listing three things they're thankful for this year. Want to know her three items?
(I'm pretending you said yes.)
- Flowers
This doesn't shock me one bit. The girl loves flowers.
- Turkey
Actually, it wasn't a real turkey. She said it was a man in a turkey outfit. Yeah, this bothers me too.
- Herself
It would've been nice for her to put my family here. Or anything else other than herself. I'll be spending the rest of the Thanksgiving holiday deprogramming my little egotist.
Thanks
I'd like to take a moment to thank you for reading this. And for those of you who come back every day to read my stuff? Wow. It means a lot to me.Thanks again for putting up with me and I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving (or a great Thursday).
Song Of The Day
Ok. From now until December 25th, I'll be putting nothing but Christmas songs in this spot. I love Christmas music. If you don't share my obsession, consider this a warning and I'll see you in 2008.Song of the day: The Christmas Song by The Raveonettes
Good Grief
Every once in awhile, I like to pretend we're a normal family. And when I'm in that kind of a mood, I like to plan activities for my family that I think normal families would enjoy. So last night, Zoey and I curled up on the couch to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. We weren't ten minutes into it before we had the following exchange:
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"This is boring."
This warmed my cold, cynical heart because I have always thought the exact same thing. The Charlie Brown specials are boring. They are preachy and plodding. They use words that are far too difficult for their target demographic.
And then there's Linus Van Pelt, the little boy who's capable of sucking all the fun out of a room with one of his five-minute monologues about the "true meaning" of this or that. You know Pig-Pen and some of the more questionable secondary characters would kick Linus' ass behind the gymnasium after school every day (when they weren't busy giving Schroeder wedgies).
So I'm done with you, Mr. Schulz. I'll never watch any of your It's Another Boring Holiday Special With Religious Overtones, Charlie Brown programs again. If loving you is normal, I'm happy where I am.
Song of the day: Sister Christian by Night Ranger
Smells Like Team Spirit
Yesterday, Zoey's elementary school had Team Spirit Day. The children were supposed to wear a t-shirt, sweatshirt, or jacket with their favorite team's logo. Since Zoey still doesn't really care about sports (and if she follows in her mother's footsteps, she never will), she wore a Carolina Tar Heels shirt.
At least that was the plan.
She wore the same shirt last year when her preschool did something similar and didn't have a problem with it. When I showed it to her yesterday, you would've thought it was streaked with dirt and read, "Princesses Suck," because she wasn't having it. She pitched a fit. I explained to her that all her friends would be wearing similar shirts, but it didn't matter.
When we left the house yesterday morning, she was pissed at me but was wearing the shirt.
When I picked her up yesterday afternoon, I noticed she wasn't wearing the shirt anymore. As she got in the car, I asked her, "What happened to your Carolina shirt? Did you spill something on it?"
"No."
"Then what happened to it?"
"I took it off."
"When?"
"As soon as I got into class."
I knew I was raising a daughter that one day would sneak into non-parent-approved clothing once she got out of our sight. I just never thought it would start in kindergarten.
GHS: 2
Song of the day: And We Danced by The Hooters
We Won The Lottery This Weekend!
There's a school for children with autism in a nearby town. It's supposed to be quite good. They are an ABA program.
I've heard a lot of great things about ABA. Of course, I've heard a lot of great things about speech therapy, education therapy, Floortime, TEACCH, special diets, and chelation therapy. There are people who are believers in each method. But there is no proven method for treating autism. If there was a proven method, you'd be prescribed that particular therapy the moment you received the diagnosis.
But the school is quite expensive. Since it costs as much to send one kid there as it would cost to send two kids to Yale, it wasn't really an option for us.
Until this weekend.
The school is participating in a special study on autism. They held a lottery to admit a handful of students into their program for a six-month trial, at a reduced tuition (a little more than our monthly preschool bill).
And guess whose name was pulled from the hat?
We're pretty psyched right now.
Song of the day: Hold Me Now by Thompson Twins
Fids And Kamily Music Awards
The winners of the 2007 Fids And Kamily Music Awards were announced on Saturday. Don't know what the Fids and Kamily Music Awards are? It's the best children's music released in the past year, as voted on by nineteen writers, radio programmers, and others involved in the industry. My personal favorite, For The Kids Three!, came in at number twelve.
Apparently everyone else must in the world have been busy the past few weeks, because they asked me to write an essay for them. So I wrote a piece about mixing your music with your kids' music. Because even though your music is far cooler, you still need to let them be kids. Here's an excerpt:
Kids are the world's greatest music critics. Their tastes haven't been clouded with the opinions of pretentious music journalists. They simply enjoy music. They don't care if it's no longer hip to like SelloutBandDuJour or that Top 40 music is considered uncool. They like what they like. Basically, as long as you don't cram your kid's iPod with funeral dirges, you're in the clear.
Want to read the rest? Click here.
Song of the day: (Keep Feeling) Fascination by The Human League
Stuff Only I Care About LVIII
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers
The Panthers lost to the Falcons last weekend, 20-13. The Panthers are 4-5, a game behind Tampa Bay in the NFC South.The Panthers play Green Bay this weekend. Ugh. Pack wins, 34-13.
The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings
1. New England Patriots (9-0)Like they really needed a bye week.
2. Dallas Cowboys (8-1)
Romo keeps rolling along.
3. Indianapolis Colts (7-2)
They almost pulled out a win on Sunday despite Manning's six interceptions.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-2)
Barely squeaked by the Browns last weekend.
5. Green Bay Packers (8-1)
Ok. I'm finally ready to admit it: Green Bay is damn good this year.
6. San Diego Chargers (5-4)
Turner still needs to get Tomlinson more touches.
Where The Hell Have I Been?
This week, I discovered Citizen Of The Month.This is one of the funniest blogs I have read in some time. But you already knew that because, judging by the number of comments the dude gets, I was the last one to find out about his site.
Now I'm going to crawl back underneath my rock…
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Christine learns cool is no longer cool.
- Jozet's husband doesn't want to share his food with their baby.
- Julie's daughter can write. Expletives!
- Lindsay's daughter hopes her "bug bites" will get bigger.
Song of the Day
I'm back! For the next few days, I'm going to be highlighting some of my favorite songs from the early 80s. But on Thursday, I'll be switching gears (Care to guess why?).Song of the day: Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners
Can Children's Music Give You Tongue Crabs?
Because the kids have been extra good the past week or so, I took them to a bar this afternoon.
What? You don't reward your children's good behavior with a trip to your local watering hole? Shame on you!
We were there to see a kiddie band.
And while the beer was replaced with juice boxes, the peanuts and cheese sticks were replaced with grapes and trail mix, the band was dorkier than the usual fare, and no one was hitting on anyone else (Hitting each other? Yes. But not hitting on each other.), we were still in a bar.
And with a bar comes certain dangers. Like keeping an eye on Zed.
Zed does have a few sensory issues. On most days, it's not an issue. But when he's confronted with a truly disgusting object, he whips out that tongue and gives it a lick (like the balance beam at Little Gym (which means he's swallowed the microbes from the foot funk of hundreds of little kids (I get sick just thinking about this))).
So the entire time we were in the bar, I hovered over him, afraid that he would lick a barstool and develop a case of Tongue Crabs. Rock!
But despite my Tongue Crabs anxiety, we had a great time. At least the kids did.
Me? I felt weirded out the entire time.
I was standing in a bar with my kids. A bar I used to frequent in college. A bar my band played at in college.
And for some reason, the whole experience didn't sit right with me. And I still can't figure out why.
Maybe it was hearing a grown man covering The Backyardigans theme.
Song of the day
This is SciFi Dad's last post as guest DJ. I have truly enjoyed having him here this week and hope you have enjoyed it as well (as always, if you'd like to take a week, shoot me an email).Last year, some of you may recall that the Yankees (Chag's team) and the Tigers (my team) were pitted against each other in the first round of the MLB playoffs. Chag foolishly made a bet with a reader that if the Yanks lost, he'd post a picture of himself wearing a Red Sox tee. The Tigers won, and Chag followed through with the photo (it's been removed since then). And all I could think when I saw him was, "Dude, he looks a lot like Chuck Mangione."
Song of the day: Feels So Good by Chuck Mangione
Just So You People Don't Think I'm Totally Insane
I will readily admit that I'm more than just a little "off."
But I'm not usually a paranoid person.
I admire people who put it all out there on the web, those that post pictures, real names, etc. It's nice to see the faces behind the words, you know?
But I'm not one of them (unless I lose a stupid bet).
For those of you who are new around here, I've received death threats in the past due to things I wrote online. Now I realize most everything I write on this site is fairly harmless and won't result in death threats. But that could change tomorrow. If I learned anything from my short time at Strollerderby, it's that any post about formula, breastfeeding, or co-sleeping brings out the crazies.
So yeah, that's why I'm paranoid about my anonymity on the web. Just wanted to clear the air on that.
As you were.
Song of the day
SciFi Dad is back today with another selection, where he admits he's never listened to the Happy Mondays. You're twisting my melon, man."Here, listen to this," she said
"What?" I asked
"Don't worry, it's with the guy from the Happy Mondays," she replied
"Who the fuck are the Happy Mondays?"
"You're kidding."
"No, I'm not."
It didn't matter; I was hooked. (And I still haven't heard the Happy Mondays.)
Song of the day: Reverend Black Grape by Black Grape
Why I Almost Pulled The Plug On This Site The Other Night
I like to think I'm blogging anonymously. I've given everyone in my family pseudonyms and don't post pictures that often (twice in two years). And I've always said that if someone I knew found about this site, I'd kill it.
Well, I thought that happened on Friday night.
I logged on to check the comments on my contest and found the following:
I would say one and six are false. I have seen you, you don't look like CC, your hair isn't blond.
It was signed Anonymous. The I have seen you part freaked me out. So I checked my referrer stats and found that the commenter lived in my state (yeah, it was kind of like, "The phone call is coming from inside the house!").
Even though it was from a town on the other side of the state, I lost it. It was a big ISP and IP addresses don't always resolve correctly. But it was coming from my state and that was all I needed to know.
So I panicked. I told Ella, "It's dead. I'm deleting everything. Now!"
Ella replied, "Chill out."
So I took a few deep breaths. I do know a fellow blogger in that town, but I knew she would never sign her comment anonymously, so I figured it couldn't be her. But since I was planning on doing something drastic, I emailed her.
And it was her.
So thanks, Arwen. It's bad enough your Sox won the Series, but did you have to go and give me a heart attack too?
Song of the day
You should know the drill by now. Take it away, SciFi Dad!At my high school, pretty much everyone was into the grunge scene in the early 90s. The jocks had their Pearl Jam, the headbangers had their Soundgarden, and the imitators loved Nirvana. Sure, some fringe kids had Mudhoney or Mother Love Bone, but most were into one of "the big three". Me? Neither jock nor headbanger, and certainly no follower. I was a musician, so I listened for different things, subtle things. I gravitated to Screaming Trees, in part because his voice was lower (and thus closer to my range to sing along) and also because the feel of the music was appealing.
Song of the day: Witness by Screaming Trees
Hot For Teacher
Today, Zed was expelled from Little Gym.
Ok. Not really. I don't think you can get expelled from Little Gym as long as your fees are current. So think of it more as self-expulsion.
Regardless, we're not going back.
Zed loves Little Gym. He loves to climb on the equipment, do flips, and run around like a crazy fool the entire time. When we pull up to the strip mall where it's located, he starts smiling and is all but ready to jump out of the car before I put it in park.
And the instructors? He looooooves them. They're all cute little twentysomething girls.
Today, I ruined everything.
This week's skill was doing a flip on the balance beam. Since these kids are just normal two-year-olds and not freakish Romanian gymnasts, they needed both the instructor and the parent's help to accomplish the feat.
I was holding Zed's hips as his instructor placed Zed's hands on the balance beam. She then started him in the flipping motion. As she did this, I decided that I had better get in front of her so I could catch Zed in the followthrough.
As I hurried past the instructor, my hand moved right across her ass.
I don't know what the hell happened. I think I was like Ash in Evil Dead II and my hand just took on a life of its own.
Even though the ass-grabbing only lasted 0.8 seconds, it was enough time for me to turn red, vomit, faint, and wonder if she could file a sexual harassment suit against me.
So now we're looking for a new way to spend our Tuesday mornings.
Preferably something that doesn't excite my Evil Dead Hand.
Song Of The Day
One of the great things about opening up my DJ booth to others is that my guest will occasionally point me to a kickass song I was previously unfamiliar with. Today, SciFi Dad does just that. Thanks, man!One night at a club, I was listening to this band when the guy standing in front of me decided it would be a good idea to mosh - by himself - while everyone else stood still and listened. He bounced around and started pissing people off. Never being one to deal with annoyances well, I tossed him away when he bumped into me for the fifth time.
Apparently, he wasn't expecting my help, because the next thing I know he's in my face screaming and yelling. He was quite a bit taller than me, but I was no small guy either, so as he continued to yell, I clenched my fists and took a breath, waiting for him to throw.
He shoved. Good enough, I thought to myself, and went to lift my arm, only to discover two buddies of mine holding my wrist. They were pleading with me not to do anything, but I broke free and shoved the guy, knocking him over. Then she pried my hand open, took it in hers, and held on.
"Let go."
"No. Come here and hold my hand."
"Damnit, how can I hit him if you're holding my hand?"
"Exactly."
When the song finished, the lead singer said, "Uh, that was a song about making friends."
Song of the day: Anna Is A Speed Freak by Pure
Terrible Lie(s): The Answer Key
I received 30 entries for this contest. One of those entries, from The Lovely Mrs. Davis, got all the statements right. One entry managed to get all the statements wrong. On average, people managed to get 3.2 statements correct.
Anyway, in you're interested, here's a little background on each of the statements. If not, feel free to skip down to the Song of the Day.
1. I once won a Kurt Cobain look-alike contest without any prep work whatsoever.
This statement was true. 63% of all entrants got this statement correct.
Right around the release of In Utero, a local bar was having a "Nirvana Night." There were four local punk bands on the bill, and each one played a Nirvana cover. Between the second and third bands' sets, the bar had a Kurt Cobain Look-Alike Contest, which basically consisted of the bar owner standing on stage, scanning the crowd, and pointing at me. To be fair, I did have a goatee and shoulder-length lime green hair at the time. But we didn't know about the contest ahead of time, so I wasn't intentionally trying to look like Cobain.
I won a gift certificate to a local record store (remember those?) and a used copy of Check Your Head (yeah, I never understood that either).
2. I was once contacted by Amnesty International, who thought I was a death row inmate.
This statement was true. 60% of all entrants got this statement correct.
A long, long time ago, when I was an angry young man, I published a monthly satirical 'zine online. I would run parodies of current events, etc. Think The Onion, only nowhere near as funny or well-written.
Back in 1998, there was a site, Our First Time, that was allegedly about two virgins planning on losing their virginity together, live on the web (it turned out to be a hoax). Well, I decided to parody this site. I copied the design, altered a few graphics, and launched My Last Time, a site about a death row inmate chronicling his last days on Earth and planning to broadcast his execution live on the web.
And a few days before his/my scheduled execution, I got an email from Amnesty International wanting to know if he/I needed any help filing any last-minute appeals. This is one of the reasons I shut down my site. Too many people were believing my stupid crap.
3. I was once an award-winning livestock judge.
This statement was true. 40% of all entrants got this statement correct.
Yeah, I was a major playa in 4-H. I got into livestock judging (sheep, cows, and pigs) and I was quite good at it. I won trophies and ribbons at various events. In fact, I think I could've won the World Livestock Olympics in Topeka, Kansas had it not been for that freak tractor accident.
Ok. I made that last sentence up. But I really did know my way around a sheep.
Wait. That didn't sound quite right.
4. I have written an eco-friendly children's book about a walrus that I'm currently shopping around to different publishers.
This statement was false. 33% of all entrants got this statement correct.
I don't think I have a book in me. Not even a children's book. Especially not one about a walrus. Besides, didn't you guys learn your lesson last April?
5. My very first job was cleaning out rat cages for a laboratory.
This statement was true. 77% of all entrants got this statement correct.
I was fifteen and wanted to start saving up for a car. I found this ultra-glamorous job. Truthfully, it wasn't as bad as it sounds.
Plus, if my kids ever complain to me on down the line about their "shitty" jobs, I'll be able to tell them what a real "shitty" job is like.
6. I once wrote a fake Canterbury Tale that became required reading at several high schools and colleges.
This statement was true. 10% of all entrants got this statement correct.
This kind of hurt my feelings. While 67% of you think I'm capable of writing a children's book, 90% of you feel there's no way I could write a fake Canterbury Tale that ended up being taught at high schools and colleges.
In college, I wrote a rhyming, 220-line Canterbury Tale. One month, while trying to think of an idea for my headline article for my 'zine, I came across my old Canterbury Tale. I published it, along with a backstory about how it was recently found in an old trunk and was set to be published.
And I'm really embarrassed to say how many teachers and professors bought it hook, line, and sinker.
They began assigning the Tale to be read in their classrooms. I was constantly receiving emails from students doing reports on it. Some people got the joke and invited me to speak at their colleges (which I turned down, due to my fear of public speaking). But far too many people thought it was the real deal.
I'm still a bit ashamed that I fooled so many people.
7. I own a first edition copy of The Catcher In The Rye.
This statement was false. 37% of all entrants got this statement correct.
I figured this lie would trip a lot of people up. I do own a well-thumbed hardback copy of Catcher, but it's not a first edition. I do, however, own first editions of several Vonnegut novels.
There you go! Hope you all enjoyed this contest as much as I did.
Song Of The Day
SciFi Dad is back with another selection. This time, he chooses a song that I actually had in my queue to publish later. Enjoy!A long time ago, grunge ruled the alt-rock scene. And then, a few bands from Manchester came about, the most commercially successful of which was Oasis. The Manchester sound is kind of like the soundtrack to my university years and The Stone Roses were my favourite Manchester band.
Song of the day: Love Spreads by Stone Roses
At Least He Wasn't Playing With The Dog's Toys
We took the kids over to a friend's house today for a playdate. You know how the first thirty minutes of a playdate are wasted because the Away Team is too busy checking out the Home Team's toys to actually play with the Home Team? Well, these people had enough toys, gadgets, and other fun things to eat ninety minutes.
Unless you're Zed.
While his sister was checking out the toy store, Zed was checking out the dog's cage. He kept walking inside (it's a very large dog) and closing the door behind him. And then he would laugh at us from his cell. And we would all laugh.
But as my mind filled with thoughts of purchasing two of those crates for use at our house, I decided it was time to take him into the playroom.
We Have A Winner!
I was beginning to think that no one was going to win my contest. But The Lovely Mrs. Davis came in and hit it out of the park. Congratulations! I'll be sending a mix CD and a lapel pin your way. And I'd like to thank everyone else who entered.I'll write a post tomorrow and give you a little bit of backstory on each item (if you're interested).
Song Of The Day
SciFi Dad is back today with another selection for you guys. Hope you enjoy it.I grabbed their first CD, Four, the first time I heard Run Around. The combination of harmonica and folksy-bluesy guitar was like candy to my ears. And the tongue-in-cheek lyrics of this song always make me laugh.
Song of the day: Hook by Blues Traveler
Stuff Only I Care About LVII
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers
The Panthers were beaten by the Titans last weekend, 20-7. The Panthers are 4-4, a half game behind Tampa Bay in the NFC South.The Panthers have been outscored 51-14 the past two games. Rock!
Playing QB for the Panthers this year is kind of like being a drummer for Spinal Tap. It would've been a much different season had Delhomme stayed healthy.
Wow. Week Ten and I'm already making excuses!
The Panthers play Atlanta this weekend. Other than an upcoming date with San Francisco, this might be the only game the Panthers win the rest of the season. But it's at home, and the Panthers haven't won there in almost a year (they last won at Bank of America Stadium on November 19, 2006, a 15-0 victory over the Rams). Still, I say Carolina pulls out a 17-14 win.
The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings
1. New England Patriots (9-0)Finally, they're number one on my list.
2. Indianapolis Colts (7-1)
It would've been a different game had Harrison played.
3. Dallas Cowboys (7-1)
I love having Tony Romo on one of my fantasy teams.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
They put 38 points on the board against the Ravens.
5. New York Giants (6-2)
They've won six in a row, but those wins came against teams with a combined record of 13-36.
6. Detroit Lions (6-2)
After God's Team smacked the Broncos last weekend, they deserve a spot on my list.
The Perfect Scenario
I would like to see New England play perfectly for the rest of the year, trouncing every opponent, until the AFC Championship game. Then I would like to see Indy stomp them into the ground.Why? It's not that I hate the Patriots. Actually, I've been rooting for them. I love watching a team that can put a lot of points on the board. I love Belichick's "screw you" attitude. And I'd love to see a team run the table just to shut the '72 Dolphins up.
But I've had it with Bill Simmons. He's turned into a whiny, insufferable bitch.
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Dave proves The Secret is bullshit.
- Eliza shares the most talked-about turd in the history of man.
- Jozet advises you to pick warm and inexpensive sports for your children.
- Lisa swears she's never going to Chuck E. Cheese's ever again.
- Liz pens The Old Fart Musical Creed.
- Mamatulip's son dresses as a member of Insane Clown Posse for Halloween.
Last Chance
I'll be posting the answers to my little quiz Sunday evening. If you haven't entered yet, get cracking. You could win a mix CD and a Limited Edition Cynical Dad lapel pin.Song Of The Day
Good news, folks! I'm handing over my turntables to SciFi Dad this week. He'll be here for the next seven days, providing selections for your musical pleasure.In the late 60s, a 17-year-old boy started a band when he moved from Detroit to Chicago. They had a few albums and one hit (this song). The lead singer went on to better things. You know him as Ted Nugent.
Song of the day: Journey To The Center Of The Mind by The Amboy Dukes
See? I Can Do Something Besides Bitch And Moan. I Can Gloat!
Today, Zoey received her very first report card. And while I would have liked to have seen a few more Os, I am quite pleased with how she has done so far in kindergarten. We had our doubts and felt that she may have been a bit immature to enter kindergarten, but so far, she is proving her preschool teachers wrong. She truly loves school. And she has finally started reading!
Keep it up, babe!
But the real star of the household is Zed. He had his six-month reevaluation today. He is progressing very nicely. While most of his gains were in the four to seven-month range, he progressed an entire year in his non-verbal cognitive skills. We have seen him make a lot of progress over the past few months, but since we see him every day, it's hard for us to really gauge his overall progress. We have seen the power of therapy firsthand.
Keep it up, buddy!
Another Reminder
Seriously, enter the damn contest already! You could win a mix CD and a Limited Edition Cynical Dad lapel pin (created by the fine folks at Artificial Duck Co.).Song of the day: Open Up Your Heart And Let The Sun Shine In by Frente!
I Can't Hear You
Zed has a new trick.
Guess what he does whenever we try to get him to say a word, make a sound, or tell him what to do.
Go ahead, guess.
He sticks his fingers in his ears.
Oy!
GHS: 4
And Speaking Of Guessing
If you haven't entered my contest yet, give it a shot.You know you want to.
Song of the day: List Of Demands (Reparations) by Saul Williams
Terrible Lie(s)
Ok. I've seen Chris at Rude Cactus do this in the past. It looked like fun, so I'm giving it a shot. And how else am I going to get to thirty posts by the end of November?
Below are seven items. At least one of these items is a true fact about me. At least one of the items is a lie. Your job is to tell which are the truth(s) and which are the lie(s). The first five people to correctly identify the truth(s) from the lie(s) win a mix CD and a super rare, Limited Edition Cynical Dad lapel pin (perfect for your daughter's Cabbage Patch Doll).
Here we go:
- I once won a Kurt Cobain look-alike contest without any prep work whatsoever.
- I was once contacted by Amnesty International, who thought I was a death row inmate.
- I was once an award-winning livestock judge.
- I have written an eco-friendly children's book about a walrus that I'm currently shopping around to different publishers.
- My very first job was cleaning out rat cages for a laboratory.
- I once wrote a fake Canterbury Tale that became required reading at several high schools and colleges.
- I own a first edition copy of The Catcher In The Rye.
I'll announce the winners on Sunday. Good luck!
Song of the day: Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails
I Suck
I haven't been feeling well the past few days and I've been sleeping more than usual. I think my body just needs a recharge.
Today, after I got Zed down for his nap, I decided to sit down for a few minutes and watch some television. Next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and staring at the clock, which read 2:55 PM.
2:55 PM!
Zoey's school lets out at 2:30 PM.
Damn it!
I jumped up, grabbed a startled Zed, and started running towards the door when the phone rang. It was the school.
"Mr. Holland? We have your daughter in the principal's office."
"Is she okay? I'm sorry! Is she scared? I overslept! Is she all right?"
"She's fine."
"I'll be there in a minute!"
I never drove so fast in my life.
But they were right. She was fine. She was drawing at a desk. I thanked the office person for taking care of her. The entire way to the car, I apologized profusely to Zoey. Finally, when we got to the car, she looked me dead in the eye, "It's okay, Daddy. It was an accident."
Which made me feel even more guilty. So she got dessert for dinner and extra television time.
And because I'm so neurotic and afraid of this happening again, I hereby vow never to sit down while she or Zed are at school. Anyone know the number of a good podiatrist?
Song of the day: Stigmata by Ministry
Nepotism, Plastic Ducks, And How My Son Molested The Chick-Fil-A Cow
On Saturday, I worked at Zoey's school's fall festival. While it didn't offer free hummers, we all had a great time.
I was assigned to work the Bingo room. When I told Zoey about this, she asked me, "Will you call out all my numbers so I can win?" I don't know why she thinks that if I'm working at her school, she should win at Bingo or get free books, but I need to reverse this logic. Stat.
When I arrived at the school, I found out that I was no longer working the Bingo room. I guess keeping track of all those numbers was much too difficult a task for a stupid man. So they put me in the Duck Pond room instead.
For the Duck Pond game, kids just had to pick a plastic duck from a wading pool. There was a number written on the bottom of each duck. The numbers on the ducks corresponded to what prizes they won. It was a popular attraction as we were giving away High School Musical junk, Hannah Montana crap, and a few Webkinz. We were also giving away cheap plastic trinkets made in China and probably chockfull of yummy, yummy lead paint.
The game was easy. I just had to make sure I gave out the right prize, the kids didn't put their ducks back into the pond as this would screw up the whole system, and that no one drowned. So easy, even a caveman Dad could do it.
After I put in my time, I caught up with Ella and the kids and we played some games. My favorite moment of the day was when Zed refused to come out of the bounce house. Ella had to go in after him. He ran from her inside the house, giggling the entire time as he watched her fall down every few feet. I really wish I had video of that.
Before we left, we ran into the Chick-Fil-A cow. Zed ran right up to him and squeezed the cow for all he was worth. Zed started flapping and the cow flapped right back. This made Zed hug the cow a few more times.
Guess we won't be going to Disney World anytime soon. I really don't want to spend all my time keeping Zed from humping the princesses' legs.
Song of the day: Formed A Band by Art Brut
Wii Will Be Spending More Time At Grandma's House
Zed and I were walking Friday (actually, I was walking while he was riding in his pink car) when my mom called me.
Mom: Guess what I bought today?
Me: I don't know.
Mom: Guess.
Me: Just tell me.
Mom: A Wii.
Me: Really? Why?
Mom: I've been wanting one for awhile. There's a bowling game that looks fun.
Me: You spent $350 for a bowling game?
Mom: Yes.
Me: But you don't even play video games. Or bowl.
Personally, I think this is an evil ploy to see her grandchildren more often. But little does she know I haven't touched a video game in nearly five years.
Song of the day: Take The Skinheads Bowling by Camper Van Beethoven
Stuff Only I Care About LVI
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers
The Panthers were trounced by the Colts last weekend, 31-7. The Panthers are 4-3, yet still maintain sole possession of first place in the NFC South.The Panthers play Tennessee this weekend. When did Vince Young forget how to play football? He looked good towards the end of last season. I'm picking Carolina 17-14 because the game's in Tennessee. Carolina is 4-0 on the road this year vs. 0-3 at home. Pitiful.
The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings
1. Indianapolis Colts (7-0)Like I said, until they lose, they're Number One. That may end this weekend.
2. New England Patriots (8-0)
I have no problem with the Pats scoring late touchdowns. I love it. But sooner or later, someone will get hurt late in a game.
3. Dallas Cowboys (6-1)
Their sole loss came at the hand of the Patriots.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
Got back on track last weekend with a win against Cincinnati.
5. New York Giants (6-2)
They looked like hell in London last weekend.
6. Green Bay Packers (6-1)
I still am not sold on the Packers. They have no running game whatsoever. Favre's deal with the devil has to expire soon, right?
I Love Radiohead!
That's a lie. I really don't care that much for them and think they're more than a bit overrated. But the cheapskate in me loves them!Since they released their last album, In Rainbows, as a pay-what-you-want offering, others have followed their business model. Just this week, Paste, a monthly music magazine that comes with a music CD, started letting people name their own subscription price (minimum $1) for a year of Paste (eleven issues and CDs).
And for those of you who may be curious, I will be receiving my eleven issues of Paste and eleven CDs for $1.
But I Do Love Covers!
Liza at Copy, Right? is participating in NaNoCoMo. What does that mean? She'll be posting at least two cover songs every day for the month of the November. It should be a fun ride.Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Lindsay invents a way to get even with teenagers without Halloween costumes.
- Matthew (from Childs Play x2) takes candy from his babies.
- Matthew (from Defective Yeti) creates a special question in case you ever run into his clone.
- Rebecca pens a Halloween poem.
Everything Comes With A Price
Last weekend, we attended what may have been The Greatest Fall Festival Ever. Why? Everything was free.
Food? Free burgers, hot dogs, drinks, and baked goods.
Entertainment? Games, hayrides, face painting, clowns, jump houses, and pumpkin carving. Totally free.
And as an unexpected bonus, there were free Hummer rides (free Hummer rides, not free hummers; that would have definitely made it The Greatest Fall Festival Ever). An Army Hummer took you up and down a big, bumpy hill. The kids and I enjoyed this very much. Ella was unimpressed.
We all had a great time. We played plenty of games and ate lots of food. The kids had fun with the clowns and the face painting.
And it was all totally free!
Well… not quite.
The event was held at a preschool. Normally, schools hold these fall festivals to raise money for their schools. This preschool was holding their fall festival to increase awareness of their program.
In other words, they wanted your kids to attend their preschool.
It was like one of those "Free Three-Day Orlando Vacation" deals where you only have to listen to a ninety-minute presentation about a condo which eventually morphs into a high-pressure, hard-sell situation that leaves the vacationer in tears or owning a new condo he never wanted. Or both.
So we listened to their propaganda. We toured the facility. We feigned interest in the program. In the end, we told them that while we were impressed with their program, we were quite happy with Zed's current preschool.
And then we swiped four cookies on our way out the door.
Song of the day: Rocket Queen by Guns N' Roses
Halloween Night
Last night after we went trick-or-treating, Zoey and I sat on our front steps and gave out candy to the trick-or-treaters. It was different this year. They blocked off the top of our street, so we basically only got foot traffic this year. Normally, around 8:00 PM, pickup trucks with about ten kids in the back drive through the neighborhood, looking for treats.
Homemade costumes are officially dead. Everyone was either a Spider-Man, a princess of some kind, a monster, or, like myself, Hannah Montana. Every once in awhile, a slice of pepperoni pizza or a bowl of fruit would show up at our home, but for the most part, we were stuck with licensed characters (this coming from the guy who was Hannah Montana and whose daughter was Hello Kitty). We also had the usual teens and preteens that didn't even bother dressing up; they just came up carrying their Wal-Mart plastic bags. One punkass couldn't even be bothered with a plastic sack; he just came to our steps and stuck out his empty hand. Some people take all the fun out of Halloween.
There was one little kid who stood out for me. He wore a curly wig, a sport coat, and a tie. His parents waited by the curb as he marched up to our steps. He was very animated and made Zoey and I laugh. I had never met such a cocksure three-year-old. This kid, along with a teenager who looked at me and then sarcastically told Zoey, "Dude, your Mom's hot," made putting up with all the non-costumed bastards worthwhile.
Zoey had a lot of fun looking at the costumes and handing out candy. Every once in awhile, someone would comment on how cute she looked, and she would act all demure (which is totally an act). It made her feel good, so she decided to share the wealth. When little kids would come to our steps, she would say, "I like your costume" and the kids would giggle or thank her.
But soon, she was saying it to everyone. Finally, after Zoey told some twelve-year-old girl wearing a clown's nose that she had a nice costume, I decided to explain to Zoey that while it's nice to compliment people, we shouldn't do it if we don't really mean it. I'd much rather hear her tell some kid his costume sucked than faked sincerity.
So yeah, she ate a lot of candy last night, but I'd like to think she walked away from Halloween with a little more than a bellyache.
Song of the day: Do They Know It's Halloween? by The North American Halloween Prevention Initiative