Due To Laziness, You're Stuck With The Ghost Of Halloween Past

Happy Halloween, Everyone!

I hope everyone has a great Halloween and gets plenty of chocolate. Just remember to egg the houses that give out candy corn!

If you open your door on Halloween and find a sexy nurse farm girl, Hello Kitty, a hand-me-down gorilla, and a Hannah Montana with a two-inch goatee, be nice to us. And make sure you give us the full-size candy bars, okay?

Meta Crap

I've been tinkering with my site tonight. I've moved it to http://www.cynicaldad.com/ (well, actually nothing was moved; it's still on Blogger). Sounds more professional, huh? Now if only my writing was professional.

If you run into any broken images, problems with links, etc., please let me know.

NaBloPoMo

Starting Thursday, I'll be participating in NaBloPoMo, which means I'll be posting every day for the entire month of November (if I succeed). I did it last year (with a fair amount of bitching), so I'm giving it another go.

If you're also doing NaBloPoMo, leave me a comment here or add me as a friend on my NaBloPoMo page.

The Ghost Of Halloween Past

Since I ran out of time to post something new for Halloween (other than my lame-o monster guide), here are my three favorite Halloween posts:

• Did you know I asked Ella to marry me on Halloween? My neighbor's two-year-old daughter even helped with the proposal.
  
• When I was young, I was stupid enough to think my friends and I could create our own Haunted Forest. Business was less than stellar.
  
• I took my daughter to Captain Sam's Pumpkin Land last year. It was run by a serial killer, but we made it out alive. This is one of my favorite posts of all time.

Update: Am I losing my mind, or did I not post a video for Do They Know It's Hallowen? for this post?

Halloween Safety Guide: How To Successfully Survive A Monster Attack

It's almost time for Halloween, the one night of the year where monsters are free (and encouraged!) to roam the Earth. As a public service announcement to my six readers, I thought I would share this guide on how to kill various monsters.

Be safe!

Aliens
Most aliens are soft, squishy little things that are unable to cause much harm. They can be easily thwarted by simple objects like water (Signs) and Slim Pickens recordings (Mars Attacks!). And is just me, or did it look like you could kill one of the aliens from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind by sneezing on it?

But if you find yourself face-to-face with the alien from Alien, you're on your own.

Axe (Or Any Other Sharp Object)-Wielding Serial Killers
Think Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, and Leatherface. These creatures are notoriously slow, so if you ever confront one, just run as fast you can in the opposite direction and you should be okay (but for the love of all that is holy, do not drop in the woods and cry, as he'll be on your ass quicker than you can say, "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!"). But the only thing that can truly stop these beasts is disappointing box office receipts.

Chupacabras
Chupacabras aren't real, silly!

Genetically Altered Beasts
If you encounter an extremely large creature like Godzilla, call the Army. If you're lucky, you'll face a mutant of a more manageable size, like a C.H.U.D. But be careful! Just because something's toxic, doesn't mean it's bad. You don't want to accidentally kill The Toxic Avenger.

Ghosts
Ghosts cannot harm you; they are merely nuisances. Most of the time, a ghost is just pissed over something you did (moved into his house, disgraced his burial ground, killed him when he was a human, etc.). If you can deal with a bunch of clattering pots and pans, items moved without your knowledge, etc., you're in the clear. I don't really think you can kill a ghost. It's either deal with it or move out.

Killer Tomatoes
These beings are very rare. But if you find yourself cornered by a bunch of them, don't fret. Just use those Doc Martens to make Killer Ketchup!

Mummies
Mummies are the wusses of the Monster World. They're covered in bandages, move slower than zombies, and are forced to walk with their arms stretched out in front of them. And they make weird noises like, "Mmmmhhhhmmmm." If a mummy shows up at your house, just laugh at him and go back to whatever you were doing.

Vampires
Vampires sleep all day and appear only at night. They are the rock stars of the Monster World; there's a reason the vamps in The Lost Boys looked more like Jon Bon Jovi than Count Chocula. To prepare for possible vampire activity, have a wooden stake, a cross, and a steel turtleneck at your disposal. And to be on the safe side, kill any and all bats you see.

Werewolves
These critters only appear during full moons, so check your lunar calendar. They can be stopped with silver bullets, which can be found at Army Navy Surplus Stores and Wal-Mart. If you are able to take down a werewolf, make sure you stay for the aftershow: werewolves usually revert to their human form. And they're usually naked!

Zombies
Zombies are only after brains, so if you're stupid, you're safe. Otherwise, a direct blow to the head with a sharp object or bullet will kill these slow-moving fiends.

One Last Word Of Warning
You may find yourself surrounded by hordes of waist-high creatures. These creatures are usually fast, as ravenous as zombies, and take on many forms and shapes. But these creatures are trick-or-treaters.

Do not kill them.

Song of the day: People Who Died by The Jim Carroll Band

Stuff Only I Care About LV

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers

The Panthers were on a bye last weekend after beating the Cardinals 25-10. The Panthers are 4-2 and are in sole possession of first place in the NFC South.

When David Carr was signed in the offseason, there were people around here who thought Carolina would have a quarterback controversy on their hands by midseason. They were right! But I'm sure they weren't talking about Vinny Testaverde v. Carr.

Testaverde was named the starter for Sunday's game against the Colts, a decision I totally agree with. The Panthers are seven-point dogs at home. That's not enough in my book. Final score: Colts 38 Panthers 17.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

They're #1 in the preseason ESPN/USA Today coaches' poll.

The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings

1. Indianapolis Colts (6-0)
But will they be able to keep fleet-footed Testaverde in check?
2. New England Patriots (7-0)
Wouldn't it be funny if both the Patriots and the Colts lose this week? What would the talking heads have to write about?
3. Dallas Cowboys (6-1)
Don't look now, but Wade Phillips may have finally figured out what the rest of us already knew: Marion Barber is by far the superior back on that team.
4. New York Giants (5-2)
The Giants have won five games in a row.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
Should return to their winning ways with this weekend's game against Cincinnati.
6. San Diego Chargers (3-3)
They've beaten division foes Denver and Oakland in back-to-back weeks by a combined score of 69-17. Someone finally introduced Tomlinson to Norv Turner!

The Funniest Thing I Saw On Television All Week

A character on The Boondocks explained his hatred for Bluetooth headsets:

"It's not a cybernetic ear, it's a fucking cell phone headset. The only thing you gonna do with it is call a bitch. And unless the bitch is a Martian, there ain't no explanation for the shit to look that damn high-tech. Have you seen that shit in the mirror? You look like you going to a fucking comic book convention."

Reason #319 why The Boondocks is one of the best shows on television.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Anne teaches her son about Mac Daddies.
• Jozet shares an easy way to keep track of your car keys (this is the funniest thing I've read all week).
• Matthew experiences The Terrible Twos.
• Melissa discovers her daughter's math teacher wants the students to get the wrong answers.
• Weirdgirl meets a talking platypus.
• Wood learns she's still needed around the house.

Song of the day: Hell by Squirrel Nut Zippers

And So It Begins

When Zoey started kindergarten this year, she decided to brown bag it. She told me, without ever setting foot in the cafeteria, that "the lunch line worried her." Perhaps she pictured herself taking forever to decide what she wanted to eat, causing all the other children to scream at her and tell her, "Hurry up!"

It's so nice to see all these neuroses I'm handing down to my children. Proud Papa!

After a few days, peer pressure reared its ugly head. She saw her friends buying lunch at school, so she wanted to do the same. She would bring her lunch only if the cafeteria was offering something really, really, really gross.

But everything changed two weeks ago; Zoey began buying lunch from the cafeteria less often. In the past week or so, she has only bought her lunch if the cafeteria was offering something really, really, really good.

To tell you the truth, I was somewhat relieved. It scares the hell out of me to think that she can get a meat, vegetables, fruit, and milk for $2.20.

But another part of me was concerned that there might be something more to this. So I finally confronted her this morning.

"Zoey, why don't you like to buy lunch at school anymore?"

"Because Jamaal likes my lunchbox. He thinks it's cool when I bring it school."

She's five. I'm scared to think of what she'll be doing to hold the boys' attention at ten, fifteen, or twenty.

GHS: 2

Song of the day: This Is Halloween from The Nightmare Before Christmas

Boo This: The Game That Hath No Name

Last year around this time, our doorbell rang while we were eating dinner. I looked outside and found a Halloween bag on our front porch. And just like Weirdgirl's husband, I was skeptical.

I brought it inside and showed it to Ella. "What's that?" she asked. "It's a bag of candy," I answered. "Huh? It's not even Halloween yet," she replied.

We had been booed. The bag contained candy and instructions to do the same to two of our neighbors. Since I am a cynical bastard with a deep hatred of chain letters, the booing stopped at our house. What was going to happen anyway? Razorblades in my kids' apples?

But don't think I'm against all Halloween games. In fact, there is a game we played when I was a teenager that I may have to start in my neighborhood this year.

Rules For The Game That Hath No Name

The game is quite simple to play:

1. Agree on an object (garden gnome, plastic jack-o'-lantern, hot pink vibrator, etc.).
2. Randomly pick someone to be the initial keeper of the object.
3. The first person goes to another person's house, puts the object on the doorstep, rings the doorbell, and then runs like hell.
4. The new person has to put it on someone else's front porch.
5. When placing the object on the doorstep, if you are caught before leaving the property, you must leave with the object and place it on someone else's doorstep.
6. Objects can only be left on the doorstep between 7:00 PM and 11:00 PM.
7. Whoever (Whomever? Didn't I learn anything from The Office last week?) is left holding the object at 11:00 PM on Halloween night buys all participants a twelve-pack of beer (or a bottle of wine if you're one of those people).
   

In high school, the father of one of my friends played this game. When he got stuck with the object (a witch), he would have us deliver it to someone else's house.

And we had waaaaay too much fun doing it. We would scope out our victims and carefully plan our attack. But we weren't the only ones putting way too much effort into the game. There was one man who would sit in a rocking chair on his porch all night long just so he wouldn't get stuck with the witch.

During our senior year, we started getting cocky. We would actually phone our victims and warn them with a menacing, "The witch is on the way!" Yeah, we could've been out chasing girls but instead we were delivering witches to the front porches of forty-year-old men.

My priorities have always been pretty screwed up.

Tomorrow, I think I'll meet with the guys in the neighborhood and see if anyone wants to play the game. But first I'll need to think of a catchier name than The Game That Hath No Name. Any suggestions? Because opening the front door in the morning and yelling, "Honey! We've been The Game That Hath No Named" to your significant other is just too damn wordy.

But "Honey! We've been Pink Dildoed!" does has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Song of the day: I Put A Spell On You by Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Another Reason Why I Love Where I Live

Despite the fact my town is large enough to support three Targets, an emerging arts district, a thriving downtown, and my ego, you can travel a mere five miles outside the city limits and feel as if you're in another world.

Over the weekend, we were traveling out of town to pick up something from a fellow Freecyclist. We stopped by a convenience store. Ella had to use the restroom, so I went inside to run a quick recon on the joint.

Ella: Is it safe?
Me: Yeah. There's a few guys in camouflage hanging around the counter, but that's all.
Ella: Do they have a restroom?
Me: Yeah. When you walk in the door, take a left and then take a right at the stuffed albino deer.

What? Your local 7-Eleven doesn't display dead animals?

And in case you're wondering, I'm talking a full-body display, not just the head of the deer.

Song of the day: Pretend We're Dead by L7

Five For Friday: Vampire And Zombie Double Feature

It's nearing Halloween, so let's talk horror movies! Today, let's focus on zombies and vampires.

Top Five Vampire Movies

First of all, let's get the also-rans out of the way:

Honorable Mentions: Blood & Donuts, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, From Dusk Till Dawn, The Hunger, My Best Friend is a Vampire, Once Bitten, Shadow Of The Vampire

Intentionally Omitted Because They Suck: Blade (all three of them), Bram Stoker's Dracula, Interview With The Vampire, Vampire In Brooklyn

The Film Snob In Me Thinks This Should Be In The Top Five But The Gore Fan In Me Says Screw It: Nosferatu

Now onto the Top Five:

5. Fright Night
After learning his next-door neighbor is a vampire, a teenager goes to a cheesy late-night television horror movie host for help. A funny flick that is often overlooked.

4. Salem's Lot
This movie scared the hell out of me when it came out. Might have been because I was nine at the time. It's no longer scary, but it's still a great movie.

3. The Lost Boys
You've all seen this. A very stylish movie that just reeks of the 80s. And it stars the Coreys!

2. Vampire's Kiss
Nicolas Cage stars as a publisher who may or may not be a vampire in one of the funniest and most outlandish roles of his career.

1. Near Dark
A band of vampires stalk tiny western towns, looking for prey. The young female vampire turns a teenager into a vampire and he must choose between his own survival and protecting his family. The movie has a great ending that teaches you how to reverse the effects of vampirism (should the need ever arise).

Top Five Zombie Movies

First of all, let's get the also-rans out of the way:

Honorable Mentions: 28 Days Later, Re-Animator, Shaun Of The Dead

Intentionally Omitted Because They Suck: Night Of The Comet, Pet Sematary

The Film Snob In Me Thinks This Should Be In The Top Five But The Gore Fan In Me Says Screw It: Night Of The Living Dead

Now onto the Top Five:

5. Dawn Of The Dead (original version)
Zombies at the mall! And yeah, there's a message in there, too.

4. Evil Dead II
For the longest time, this was one of my favorite movies. I could quote damn near every line from it. It probably should've been ranked higher.

3. Dead Alive (Braindead)
A monkey bites a woman, turning her into a zombie. One of the bloodiest movies ever made, this flick was directed by Peter Jackson, who went on to make movies about Hobbits and large gorillas.

2. Return Of The Living Dead
A moron unleashes a dangerous chemical which causes all the dead in the nearby cemetery to rise from their graves. Probably best known for Linnea Quigley's stripping. Great soundtrack!

1. Cemetery Man (Dellamorte Dellamore)
Ella refers to this movie as "an artsy-fartsy horror porno." If that doesn't make you want to see it, nothing I say will change your mind. Stars Rupert Everett as a guy who's paid to take care of a cemetery where the dead rise every night.

P.S. If anyone sees 30 Days Of Night this weekend, please drop me a note and let me know how it was. That flick looks very promising to me.

P.P.S. While there is a damn good chance that most of my posts for the rest of the month will be somewhat related to Halloween, I do know that all my Songs Of The Day for the rest of the month will revolve around Halloween. Just a friendly warning for those who might not be interested.

P.P.P.S. What are your favorite vampire and zombie flicks?

Song of the day: Cry Little Sister by Gerard McMann

My Life Has Become One Of Those Lame Slapsticky "Dad In Over His Head" Movies

When Zoey was twoish, we thought we had our hands full. She was a tomboy and did some crazy stuff. When I would hear the neighborhood moms talk about the wild things their boys had done, I would chime in with a "I know exactly what you're talking about. Zoey is just like having a boy." They would then laugh at me and call me names until I cried.

No wait. It was the middle school bullies that laughed at me and called me names until I cried. Those prepubescent girls can be real bitches.

The moms would just roll their eyes and say, "No. A girl is nowhere near as bad as a boy." I would often reply, "But you don't know how much of a tomboy Zoey is!"

Zed has since shown me the error of my ways. In the past two weeks, he has proven that one two-year-old boy can do more damage than twenty two-year-old girls. He cannot be left alone. Don't believe me? The following four incidents happened today:

The Dishwasher
Zed loves playing with his little cars and puzzles. But by a wide margin, his favorite toy is our dishwasher. When it is running, he likes to move the lever back and forth, turning the dishwasher off and on in the process. I'll tell him, "No" and he'll run off to another room and just wait until I leave the kitchen so he can sneak back in and start doing it again.

Apparently, turning it off and on has become a bit passé. After I finished straightening up the living room for the 432nd time this morning, I went into the kitchen and found the door to the dishwasher open. Zed was sitting beside it, splashing the water inside.

The Dishwasher Part II
I was on the phone with Ella when I heard loud noises coming from the kitchen. I ran into the kitchen and found the dishwasher door open yet again. Only this time, Zed was standing on the door. He was removing his sippy cups from inside the dishwasher and chucking them across the kitchen.

Luckily, I got to him before he had a chance to move on to the glassware or knives.

Another Mess
I was reading Zoey a book when we heard the a loud crash come from the dining room, followed by fourteen million little ping-ping-pings. Zed had found one of Zoey's bead sets (THAT ARE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE IN HER BEDROOM! (but that's another story)), opened it, and poured it out onto the floor. I sent both kids to another room to play while I tried to find all the beads.

Slimed
While I was busy picking up the fourteen million microscopic beads that were scattered across the dining room floor, Zoey yelled, "Dad! Zed did a bad thing!"

"What did he do now?" I replied. At this point, nothing she could have said would have shocked me.

"He spilled my slime!"

Zoey went to a birthday party this past weekend where they got to make slime. Unfortunately, she was allowed to bring it home with her. Unfortunately, she left it on the kitchen table, easily within the reach of the Two-Foot Wrecking Ball.

I walked into the kitchen and saw some slimy liquid on the floor. "Oh," I said, somewhat relieved. "That's okay." And then I noticed the slime was hanging off the side of the kitchen table.

And off a wicker basket near the table.

And on the refrigerator.

And all over Zed's shirt, pants, shoes, and hands.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to drink myself to sleep. Tomorrow, I'll be heading to Babies "R" Us to purchase every boyproof (something stronger than childproof) lock I can find.

Or a cage.

GHS: 9

Song of the day: Someday by The Strokes

The More You Know

Things I learned this past week:

• It is perfectly okay to make fun of Dane Cook.
• It is not okay to make fun of Karla Mosley. There are a lot of Hi-5 Moms out there who like to send emails.
• Tom Brady is a God.
• So is Eric Gagne.
• Back to the Patriots: I truly believe they will go 16-0 this year. Bill Belichick is playing not only to win, but to destroy all opponents. The fact that they were going for a touchdown at the end with the game already in hand shows me he's not going to be resting players if they wrap up their playoff seeding early.
• Baked Doritos taste like ass.
• Zoey will be going as a paper bag for Halloween this year because that's all that will be left by the time she decides what she wants to be. She changes her mind hourly.
• Me? I'm going as Hannah Montana.

Have you learned anything lately (other than you just wasted forty-five seconds of your life by reading this)?

Song of the day: 80s Rockstar by The Weekend

Stuff Only I Care About LIV

Weekly Random Thoughts on the Yankees

Another disappointing postseason. The Yankees were bounced from the playoffs this week, losing to the Indians 3-1. But at least I didn't get a chance to lose a stupid bet that involved posting a picture of myself in a Red Sox t-shirt like last year.

This offseason should be interesting as the following people might not be back in pinstripes next year: Joe Torre, Bobby Abreu, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera, and Alex Rodriguez. I think Rivera will be back because Joba Chamberlain has been told he will be a starter next year. I have no idea what will happen with the rest of them. If I had my choice, everyone but Clemens would return.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers

The Panthers barely beat the Saints last weekend, 16-13, on a last-second Kasay field goal. The Panthers are 3-2 and are tied with Tampa Bay for first in the NFC South.

It looks like Vinny Testaverde will be starting for the Panthers at QB this weekend against Arizona. This is not good. Dude is older than the Super Bowl. But the game is in Arizona, so I'm going with the Panthers (3-0 on the road, 0-2 at home), 17-14.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

Football season is officially over: the Heels' basketball team had its first scrimmage Friday night. The Tar Heels do not have a single freshman on their roster this year (they do have a red-shirt freshman, Will Graves). But they don't need any new blood.

But back to football: the Heels have looked good the past two weeks, beating Miami 33-27 and losing to #7 South Carolina, 21-15. The Butch Davis Era has officially begun. Just wait until he gets a year or two of recruiting under his belt (if he stays that long).

The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings

1. Indianapolis Colts (5-0)
Only gave up 177 total yards to the Bucs last weekend in a 33-14 victory.
2. New England Patriots (5-0)
Another week, another double-digit victory.
3. Dallas Cowboys (5-0)
Neither the Patriots or the Cowboys have played a team with a winning record this year. We'll find out on Sunday which is team is for real.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1)
Shutout the Seahawks with their two best receivers (Ward and Holmes) unable to play.
5. Tennessee Titans (3-1)
Their only loss was a 22-20 defeat at the hands of the Colts.
6. Washington Redskins (4-1)
They held the Detroit Lions to 144 total yards last weekend.

This Movie Was Made For Me

Normally, I'm totally against Hollywood remaking stuff from my youth that I dearly loved. But a remake of Land Of The Lost starring Will Ferrell? Sign me up!

Why Rilo Kelly Sucks

Idolator proves the more Jenny Lewis' dresses shrink, the worse Rilo Kelly's music becomes.

The Cynical Dad Reader Of The Week Award

This week's Cynical Dad Reader Of The Week is… Ok. I don't give out an award. But if I did, it would go to Shug for the link to the Polish hair salon where the hairdressers wear g-strings.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Chris receives a concussion from Al Gore.
• Dutch tells one of the coolest Halloween stories ever.
• Jonathon is a lot like Indiana Jones.
• Kristen is a Freecycle troll.
• Rachel doesn't care for playdates.
• Yvonne gets a bunch of grief for renting a home.

Song of the day: Is This The Future? by Sigue Sigue Sputnik

Pillow Talk

"Your hair's really getting long, you know?"

"Hmm?"

"Your hair is really long."

"I know. I had two people call me ma'am this week."

"When are you planning on getting it cut?"

"April."

"APRIL! Why April?"

"Because Zoey's school is having a fundraiser. Locks For Charity, or something like that."

"There's no way you're waiting until April."

"Of course, by then, it might be so long that I might be tempted to tease it up and start a glam cover band."

"Good night."

"You'll still be my #1 groupie."

"Good night."

Song of the day: The Joke: The Musical from Mr. Show

Baseball And Strippers

The NLCS and ALCS start Thursday and Friday, respectively. Even though the Yankees have been bounced from the MLB playoffs (and no, I'm not ready to talk about it; I'm stuck on the second stage of grief), I will still be watching. I'll be rooting for certain teams and against certain teams.

I have been a lifelong baseball fan. It was the first sport I really followed as a kid. But it's not a perfect sport. Here are six ways I think the MLB playoffs could be improved (and no, they don't include giving the Yankees a berth every year):

Televise the playoffs on a real network
ESPN. FOX. Hell, even The Game Show Network would have probably done a better job with the division series than TBS did. The whole experience seemed dirty to me, like I was watching a Braves game or something.

And maybe the "real" networks have spoiled me, but would it kill you to show pitch speed, location, and instant replays every once in awhile? It wasn't until Sunday's game that I noticed they were showing pitch replays every so often. Before that, if there was a questionable strike or ball called, you just had to take the announcer's (and I use that term loosely, Mr. Caray) word for it or use your TiVo.

TBS dropped the ball.

Expand the playoffs
People complain that the Wild Card teams have it too easy (just don't tell that to the Yankees). The Wild Card team normally plays the best team in its league during the first round of the playoffs in a best-of-five series. The Wild Card team can take one of two on the road, then win two at home, and the team with the best record is then set packing. It's too short of a series.

So rather than expand it to a best-of-seven series, here's my suggestion: add another Wild Card team to each league's playoffs. The two Wild Card teams would play each other in a grueling best-of-three, game-travel-game-travel-game five-day series. The winner of this game would then go on to play the best team in the league while the other two division winners would play each other. The team with the best record during the regular season would be rewarded with a week to rest while the Wild Card series winner would have been playing or traveling the previous week, making the Wild Card team a true underdog. Plus, it gives the networks four to six extra playoff games to televise. Money!

Shorten the regular season
To make up for the extra week of playoffs, the season will have to be shortened. There's no reason the MLB season needs to be 162 games long. That's almost two NBA or NHL seasons and over ten NFL seasons.

As much as I love to watch the Yankees play the Sox, they do not need to play each other eighteen times a season. I feel we should decrease the number of games a team plays against divisional rivals to twelve. This would shave almost a month off the regular season.

Either that, or just get rid of interleague play.

Of course, shortening the regular season would never fly for two reasons:

1. less games = less revenue, and no one's going to agree to that
2. there are six teams in the NL Central and four in the AL West
   

Cheerleaders
Need I say more?

Either make the DH obsolete or put in both leagues
It doesn't matter where you stand on the issue. You might like the strategic bunting, stealing, and pitching changes that the National League offers. Or you might enjoy the extra bat in the lineup of the American League. Nonetheless, both leagues should play baseball the same way.

If you think about it, it's kind of stupid. It would be like if the teams in the AFC put twelve guys on the field when they played each other while the NFC played with eleven guys when they faced each other. Either get rid of the DH or establish it in the National League as well.

Get a new spokesperson
I know MLB is constantly trying to appeal to new demographics, but hiring Dane Cook as its celebrity pitchman was not the way to go. If I see Dane Cook, it makes me want to change the channel. I'm not alone on this, am I?

I'd rather see Daniel Cook as the spokesperson.

Or Rachel Leigh Cook.

Or Rachel Ray. She's a cook.

And If You've Made It This Far, Here Is Your Million Dollar Reward

A Sport Clips franchise recently opened in my town. It's a place where you can get can get your hair cut and watch sporting events at the same time. It's marketed exclusively to men, so if you're a woman who's into sports, you're out of luck (sorry, Sarah).

But why stop there? Let's take the haircut and sexism combo to a whole new level.

Strip Clips: The Topless Hair Salon.

There's a topless carwash in town that does a fairly decent business. I would imagine a topless barbershop would make out even better.

And it would give a whole new meaning to getting a trim.

Song of the day: Cut Your Hair by Pavement

The Most Shocking Thing I Have Ever Seen

When we came home from picking up Zoey from school yesterday, I told her, "I'm going to run upstairs and do the laundry. We'll have snack and do your homework when I get back down. Keep an eye on your brother, please."

So I went upstairs, unloaded the dryer, put a new load in, and put another load in the washing machine. As I was walking down the steps, I heard what no parent ever wants to hear.

Silence.

I ran down the stairs. I could hear faint noises coming the kitchen, so I headed that way. When I got to the doorway, my jaw dropped as I took in the scene in front of me:

Zed was reading a book on the floor. Zoey was doing her homework at the kitchen table.

She had gotten her backpack, pulled out her homework, chosen a pencil, and had started her homework without me.

It won't be much longer until she doesn't need me anymore.

And Then There's The Boy

Any other time, I would've expected to walk into the kitchen to find the contents of all the drawers scattered all over the floor. Sometime during the past two weeks, Zed shed his toddler skin and became a two-year-old boy. He is into everything. He laughs at the childproof locks on the drawers. Why should he play with his maracas when he can grab two containers of sprinkles out of the drawer? They both make the same noise, but one is taboo and therefore much more fun.

He has also entered the "No" phase. While he doesn't say the word, he shakes his head at us when he doesn't want to do something. And even though he knows the sign for "More," he refuses to use it under most circumstances. We'll play a game and he'll want to play it again, but he will refuse to sign "More." Instead, he just gives me this look that says "I'm the boss and I'm cute. You'll give in before I do."

Of course, if it's something he really wants (like another piece of chocolate), he suddenly remembers the sign for "More." Bastard.

Song of the day: The Good Life by Weezer

Stuff Only I Care About LIII

Weekly Random Thoughts on the Yankees

My thoughts on the series with Cleveland are filled with so many expletives, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. So instead, I'll let the combined stats from the first two games for Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, and Hideki Matsui do the speaking for me:

1-28 (.034 BA), 0 RBI, 10 K, 20 LOB

Not only that, the Indians found a way to get into Joba Chamberlain's head: Locusts! Let's just hope it doesn't start raining frogs on Sunday.

But I haven't given up hope yet. The Yankees have overcome a lot this year to even make it to the playoffs; they can easily make up a two-game deficit.

Of course, by the time you read this, they may have been swept out of the playoffs. In that case, you have every right to laugh at me and call me an idiot.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Panthers

The Panthers were thumped by the Bucs, 20-7. I hope the David Carr Era is a short one.

The Panthers are now 2-2 and are one game behind Tampa Bay in the NFC South.

This week, the Panthers travel to New Orleans. If they can't beat New Orleans, I will begin dreaming of a #1 draft pick. Prediction: Carolina 23, New Orleans 14.

P.S. Everyone with Drew Brees on their fantasy roster should START HIM this weekend. You'll thank me later.

The Cynical Dad NFL Rankings

Each week, I'm going to name the top six teams in the NFL. Why six? Don't know.

1. Indianapolis Colts (4-0)
They're the reigning Super Bowl champions. Until they lose a game, the number one spot is theirs.
2. New England Patriots (4-0)
I think a team built with the best players from the remaining thirty-one teams would lose to the Patriots. They are by far the best team in the NFL so far this season.
3. Dallas Cowboys (4-0)
If their defense was half as good as their offense, they might stand half a chance against the Patriots.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
As long as Ben Roethlisberger doesn't have to win the game for the Steelers, they are a great team.
5. Green Bay Packers (4-0)
I'm still not sold on this team. They have no running game to speak of. Brett Favre can't keep up this pace, can he?
6. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
Their only loss was a 22-20 defeat at the hands of the Colts.

Thanks

You know, the main thing I like about this stupid site is the readers. If I have a question, I can just put it out to you guys and have it answered almost immediately. I would like to thank everyone who weighed in on our camera purchasing dilemma.

We're hopefully hitting the box stores tomorrow to play around in the camera department, armed with the knowledge we gained from you guys. Thanks again!

For Marla, As She Is The Only Other Person I Know Who Watched This Show

I loved the finale of Rock Of Love. Who would've thought Bret Michaels would've pulled a King Solomon and offered to share himself with both girls? But in the end, Jes (my favorite from the get-go), said that she couldn't share him with that skank other woman, so he picked her. Awwww. True Love. Never mind that it was a reality show and she's probably half his age.

In fact, the only thing that could possibly beat the show's finale is Sunday night's reunion show. It should be good for about four or five catfights.

Serial Killers Rock

After watching the season debut of Dexter, I think this season has the opportunity to be even better than the first (which I didn't think would be possible).

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Eliza gives up her Second Life.
• Mamatulip's job is to yell at her daughter.
• Motherbumper is searching for a drug-smuggling spud.
• Rachael wants to know how many carats your labor was worth.
• Sarah feels she is to blame for her son's cursing.
• Weirdgirl recalls her worst diaper disaster.

Song of the day: The Dope Show by Marilyn Manson

How Birth Control Destroyed Two Childhood Memories

Dear Bayer Healthcare Pharmaceuticals, Inc.--

I just recently saw the latest commercial for YAZ, your birth control pill that has also been "proven to treat emotional and physical premenstrual symptoms." I know you received a lot of flack for the stilted acting in your previous commercial, but your new ad is worse.

At least to our family.

I cannot believe you used Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It as the theme music for the commercial. I loved this song and this band. I spent a good portion of my final semester of 8th Grade Band getting yelled at by the teacher for trying to play the song's opening drum solo in class. Yeah, I know I was supposed to be playing the trombone instead, but that beat was too cool not to try out every now and then.

And while I'm at it, don't you want people to take your drug? Yes? Then why would you use a song that says "We're not gonna take it" over and over? Sounds like someone skipped an important lecture in Marketing 101.

And then there's my son, Zed. Your new commercial has perverted one of his childhood memories as well. Here, let him take over the keyboard:

Laks asldao0werolkn asssss woiweoiwe 3medoaslkja opsiu439u n4q9875u qoij asd;flkjlaskdjf owiweowowoslk sssswiiww laksjslkjas askljksjdlksdjfs. 0984al;wk jl293 ;alskfj laksjd-022

Allow me to decipher this for you: he's pretty pissed (you can tell by the word "asssss"). You may have thought you were using a relatively unknown actress when you hired Karla Mosley to appear in the ad, but she is not unknown in Zed's world. To Zed, Ms. Mosley is Karla from Hi-5.

For the longest time, Hi-5 was the only television show he would show any interest in. And Karla was his favorite actor. He was in love with her. When she would come on the screen, he would get this big, goofy grin on his face. And while he has since outgrown Hi-5, his love for Karla remains. You never forget your first love.

The Hi-5 girls are wholesome; they should not be hawking birth control. That would be like a former Mouseketeer being ordered by a judge to take parenting classes and undergo drug testing.

Oh wait. My bad.

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag

Song of the day: We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister

Kids Today Do NOT Have It Easy

A few weeks back, when I mentioned that we were using our Dance Dance Number Recognition game to assist Zoey in recognizing numbers up to 100, some of you were astonished to learn that number recognition and writing were prerequisites for kindergarten. Well, let me let those of you with toddlers in on a little secret: things have changed drastically since you were in kindergarten. Preschool is the new kindergarten, kindergarten is the new first or second grade, and I am the new black.

Ok. I am not the new anything. I was just seeing if you guys were paying attention.

Anyway…

As I was reading Zoey's homework instructions to her the other evening, I started thinking of all the ways Zoey's version of kindergarten differs from the one I experienced 30+ years ago:

	Kindergarten '07	Kindergarten '76
Class Size	22	10
Name	Identify and write full name (and not in ALL CAPS).	Respond when the teachers says your name.
Counting	Count and write to 100.	Count to 3. The Einsteins in the class could count to 5.
Penmanship	Write all lowercase and uppercase letters and some simple words.	Coloring inside the lines.
Homework	Every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night.	Showing up for school the next day.
Naps	I wish! Zoey turns into a monster every evening at 6:30 PM. You can set your watch by it.	Yes. We slept on little mats that were about as thick as a dime.
Shoe Tying	Velcro, bitches!	Yes. I think this was our major accomplishment of the year.
Affection	Don't even think about it, Zoey!	I received my first kiss in kindergarten.

Did I leave anything off the list?

Song of the day: No Myth by Michael Penn

Help Us Buy A Digital Camera

No, this isn't a post looking for handouts. It's a post asking for advice.

We're still not making too much headway with Zed when it comes to talking. He will echo a lot of words and will say things when prompted, but he seldom says things on his own. Because of this, we're going to give the PECS thing a go until he starts using words on his own. And in order to do so, we need a digital camera.

We have a digital camera but it's an old piece of crap. We bought it before Zoey was born. The picture quality isn't that great and it takes forever for the images to save to the memory card. I think that's because there's a tiny pterodactyl inside the camera that pecks the image information onto the memory card.

So we're looking for a new one. I know a lot of you probably own a digital camera, so I'm looking for any and all recommendations. A few things to keep in mind:

• I'm cheap (I'd really like to stay under $200, but DEFINITELY under $300).
• I'd like a good optical zoom (I noticed most of the ones in my price range have a 3x optical zoom).
• I'd like the images to require as little manipulation as possible. We're planning on taking LOTS of pictures of things in his life, so I don't want to have to spend too much time on the computer changing brightness, sharpness, and all that crap.
• It does not need to have any video capabilities. We have a camcorder.
• And oh yeah, I'm cheap.
  

So if you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments. Thanks!

Song of the day: I Turn My Camera On by Spoon