It's been two months since I wrote about music. I was starting to get the shakes, so I decided to steal this meme Wendy from Things In Your Head posted the other week:
What’s your ringtone?
Ha! I'm a cheap bastard. Ringtones cost money. Therefore, I have no ringtones. I rock out on vibrate. Plus, I don't really have a theme song. But I need one! Anyone want to write one for me?
What’s the most incongruous song on your mp3 player?
Once again, I'm a cheap bastard, so I don't own an mp3 player. My musical tastes are all over the place, so the most incongruous song on my computer is probably Beautiful by Christina Aguilera. God, I love that song.
What is the one genre of music you cannot stand?
Gregorian chants? Don't know. I'm really open to all kinds of music.
What’s your desert island disc?
Appetite For Destruction. Or maybe The Wall. If I'm going to be isolated, I might as well bring along some music on the subject manner.
What’s your secret musical weakness?
Bluegrass! Just kidding.
It's hair bands, but if you're a regular reader of this site, it's not really a secret. I proudly wave my spandex and Aqua Net flag.
Do you play a musical instrument?
I played trombone in middle school and played keyboards and sang in bands in high school and college. I can also play a few songs on the harmonica.
Best makeout song ever
For some reason, the term "makeout song" makes me giggle like a middle school kid. Probably because the term makes me think of those middle school parties where the whole point was to makeout all night long.
I imagine Let's Get It On and Sexual Healing are too cliché, so I'm going to go with All I Want Is You by U2. Plus, it was the first dance song at our wedding.
Best driving song
Rockaway Beach by the Ramones.
One song that you think everyone should read the lyrics of
Brick by Ben Folds Five so people will know it's about an abortion. Wicked Game by Chris Isaak so people know it's not a love song.
Oh, that's not what they were going for? Ok, then let's go with What A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong.
Is downloading music for free a sin?
No. Only Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, and Sloth are sins.
Do you karaoke?
Oh yeah! I met Ella in a karaoke bar. But I haven't done karaoke in a few years.
One musician you would happily whore yourself to
This is a tough question. I had my chance with Susana Hoffs. So I'll pick Liz Phair. But you'd probably get a totally different answer if you ask me again five minutes from now.
In fact, you might get a totally different answer for all of these questions if you ask me again five minutes from now.
First album you ever bought
Destroyer by Kiss.
Most recent album you bought
The last album I purchased was The Polyphonic Spree's The Fragile Army. The last song I purchased was Holy Shit by Centralia (damn you Showtime!!!).
Favorite Beatles song
If you count You Never Give Me Your Money / Sun King / Mean Mr. Mustard / Polythene Pam / She Came In Through The Bathroom Window / Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight / The End / Her Majesty, the nine-song masterpiece from Abbey Road as one song, that's the one. If not, I'll go with While My Guitar Gently Weeps.
One song that represents your teenage years
Loser by Beck. Or Creep by Radiohead. You get the picture.
One song that represents your 20s
Army by Ben Folds Five. I've never thought about joining the Army, but the rest of that song is like a narrative for twenty-four months of that decade. Someday, I'll write more about that.
One song that represents where you are right now
Are we talking physically or mentally? What A Wonderful World is still going through my head. Only this time, it's the Joey Ramone version.
One song that represents your blog
This is an easy one! Jenny From The Block by J-Lo.
Song of the day: Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
Soundtrack
Don't Answer The Phone!
We were eating dinner tonight when the telephone rang. I got up, checked the Caller ID, and shouted, "Ella! It's Zoey's kindergarten teacher!"
***
Today was Zoey's first day of kindergarten. No tears were shed by either of us this morning as I left her classroom.
When I picked her up this afternoon, I asked her if she enjoyed her first day. Her reply? "It was fun! I didn't learn anything!" See why we have to trick her into learning things?
Like always, Zoey was not forthcoming with details. She told me they drew pictures, played outside, sang songs, read books, and ate lunch in the CAFETERIA (her emphasis). She said she made friends but could not remember anyone's names (she gets that honestly). But the Zoey Seal of Approval came when she stated "I like kindergarten more than preschool."
Cool.
***
"Oh God!" I continued. "The first day of school and she's already in trouble!"
"Answer the phone," Ella replied.
Me: Hello?
Becky: Mr. Holland?
Me: Yes.
Becky: This is Becky, Zoey's kindergarten teacher.
Me: Hi, Becky.
Becky: I'm calling all the parents and letting them know how their child's first day of school went. Zoey had a great day. She is an intelligent and very sweet girl. But…
There was no pause. It just seemed like time stood still when she said that awful word.
Becky: I just had to tell you what Zoey did today. One of the girls in her class started missing her daddy and started to cry. Zoey put her arm around her, made her laugh, and cheered her up.
It's moments like this that make me think I might be doing a halfway decent job at this parenting thing.
Song of the day: Three Strange Days by School Of Fish
Parenting Tips For The Overly Neurotic: Dance Dance Number Recognition
It's everyone's favorite time again: parenting tips! In the past when I've posted my own parenting tips, I've been accused of killing wildlife and turning my kids into lazy, money-grubbing bastards. Score!
But I'm not going to let that stop me. Think of me as The Little Engine That Keeps Trying To Get Up The Hill Even Though No One Wants His Freight. Just try to derail me, folks!
Zoey has some sort of an education sensor inside her body that transmits a signal to her tear ducts every time we try to teach her something. In other words, if she figures out we're not just playing and she is actually learning something, she has a tendency to get pissed.
Kindergarten should be fun.
So we're constantly looking for new ways to sneak information past her sensor. Lately, we've been working on numbers. She can write and identify numbers up to 30, but after that, things get a bit sketchy. Since she is supposed to be able to identify numbers up to 100 prior to entering kindergarten, Ella and I devised a game to accomplish this task. Plus, it was a whole lot of fun for us.
Zoey loves to dance. She dances like a spastic elephant, but that doesn't stop her from dancing (as long as she doesn't catch us laughing at her). So we concocted a dancing game (think So You Think You Can Dance meets The Gong Show (but luckily for her, we do not own a gong)). We would play some music and she would dance to it. When she was done with her twenty-second routine, Ella and I would "judge" her performance and hold up dry erase boards with her scores. She would then have to tell us the numbers on our boards. And then it was time for her next performance.
Lame, I know. But it was effective. She can now identify all her numbers. Plus, Ella and I got some good laughs over the course of several afternoons (I only wish I had video of her "hip-hop" performance, which mainly consisted of her quickly rolling and spinning around the floor in a seizure-like state).
Song of the day: Never Enough by The Cure
The Headache Of Trepidation
For the past few days, I've been suffering from some massive headaches. While I can attribute a good bit of them to my sinuses, there's a damn good chance that a portion of them are psychosomatic. In the next two weeks, there are several big milestones occurring that I'm just not prepared to face.
Zoey turns five on Sunday. F-I-V-E! It seems like yesterday, blah, blah, blah. I don't want to get all sentimental here, but damn. She was just a baby a month ago, wasn't she? Damn, I feel old.
Damn, she is old.
And then there's the birthday party. I don't know how we're going to fit forty kids, a pony, a Laurie Berkner cover band, a merry-go-round, some poor college girl dressed like a mermaid, and a few inflatable pools in the backyard. Actually, that's the party she wanted. The one we're throwing her will be much more low-key. But I do know we'll be putting her gifts in three piles this year: Keepers, Returns, and Recalls.
And then she starts kindergarten on Tuesday. I've gone back and forth and back and forth and back again on whether or not we should've redshirted her, but we're locked and loaded and she'll be there if we can get our lazy butts out of bed in time (school starts at 7:45 AM). She's nervous, but not as nervous as I will be. I'll be the one crying in the parking lot.
Zed will start preschool after Labor Day. This scares me. I don't know how he's going to do. His preschool and his teachers have experience with autistic children, but he will be the only child with autism in his class. I'll probably hang out in the parking lot for the first few weeks, sneaking a peek in the window every once in awhile. The school will probably take out a restraining order against me.
Ugh. My head still hurts. Pour me a drink.
No wait, tell me a joke. Dirty, political, whatever. Just make it funny. I could use a laugh.
Song of the day: Hotel Yorba by The White Stripes
Gall
I was doing some work around the house early this evening when Ella and the kids came in from outside.
Ella: Guess what Jennifer just asked me?
***
Jennifer is our next-door neighbor. She has a son one year older than Zoey, a daughter one year younger than Zoey, and another daughter who is a year younger than Zed. She is one of those people who truly believes "it takes a village." As in, she wants the village to raise her children. We'll be outside playing and she'll come over and ask if they can play. Of course, I say yes. Five minutes later, she'll tell me she needs to [make a phone call, put the youngest down for a nap, start cooking dinner, give herself a bikini wax, yadda yadda excuse] and asks if I would mind watching the two oldest kids.
Because I'm a sucker, I always say yes.
***
Me: She wants us to babysit her kids?
Ella: All twenty of them!
Me: Huh?
Ella then proceeded to tell me that Jennifer was planning on throwing a back-to-preschool party for her daughter's preschool class. She invited Zoey and told Ella that Zoey could invite a friend or two.
And then she had the audacity to ask if all the kids could come over and play in our backyard. Can you believe that? I know I like to joke that I have an amusement park in our backyard, but it's truly just a joke.
Me: What did you tell her?
Ella: NO WAY!
At least one of us has some balls.
Song of the day: Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf
Cock Of The Walk
Today was one of those days I'll remember for years to come.
Zed and I were playing with his animal blocks. As I handed him a block, I told him the name of the animal on the block and the sound it made. And then I got to the peacock block.
Me: Pea-cock.
Zed: COCK!
A funny look washed over his face. It was as if some tiny voice from deep inside his body told him that it was a "dirty" word. A fun word, but one that the majority of the population frowns upon.
So he did what any self-respecting boy would do when faced with this newfound knowledge: he ran around the house for the next five minutes yelling, "COCK! COCK! COCK! COCK! COCK!" over and over and over again.
And like any proud father, I shed a little tear.
At this rate, I'll have his Memory Book For The Cynical Parent completed in no time at all!
Song of the day: You're So Vain by Faster Pussycat
Stuff Only I Care About XLVIII
Weekly Random Thoughts on the Yankees
The Yankees went 4-3 this week, bringing their record to 69-54. The Yankees are five games behind Boston in the AL East and one half game behind Seattle for the American League Wild Card.Here comes put up or shut up time: in the next twelve days, the Yankees play Detroit five times, the Angels three times, and the Red Sox three times. Should be fun!
The Eric Gagne Watch
My man-crush has been transferred from Shelley Duncan to almost-Yankee Eric Gagne. Here are his stats for the past week:G IP H ER BB SO ERA
Gagne 3 2.2 5 4 1 4 13.50
Bottom line: one win and two blown saves (one which resulted in a loss for him).
And yes, before you Red Sox fans get all excited, I am well aware that Mariano Rivera's stats for the last week weren't much better than Gagne's (10.38 ERA, two saves, one blown save (which resulted in a win for Rivera), and one loss). But Rivera's just going through a slump (and it looks like it might be over after today's game). Of course, Gagne's going through a slump as well. Only his has lasted for his entire short career in Boston (seven appearances with an even 15.00 ERA).
We Interrupt This Post To Bring You The Following Unsolicited Junk Food Review
Hershey's Snacksters rule!We now return you to your regularly scheduled program already in progress.
Carrie Underwood Rocks
Former American Idol winner and current country star Carrie Underwood is single-handedly trying to resurrect the hair bands. First, she covered Skid Row. Then she tackled Sweet Child O' Mine. Plus, she's been known to rock the vintage '80s groupie hairstyle.And in her biggest move to date, Underwood joined Vince Neil onstage last week for a duet of Kickstart My Heart.
Rock on, girl. [via BlabberMouth]
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Bossy takes a working vacation.
- Eliza recoils in horror as her mother-in-law describes Dr. Ruth.
- Motherbumper shows off her tattoo and asks you to do the same.
Why I'm Better Off Than Some People
I know I should probably write about Zed's autism more often. But I try to keep things lighthearted on this site. And autism jokes don't usually play well.
Anyway, Zed's been doing great with therapy so far. We've noticed a big improvement in all aspects of his life since he's begun his sessions. He's saying a few words now: mama, sis, dada, eat, baby, bear, duck, kitty, bookie (calm down, I don't have a gambling problem; this is Zed's word for book), and will sing along to parts of Old Macdonald Had A Farm (the E-I-E-I-O part and certain animal noises).
He's also become quite adept at animal noises. He can make the following animal sounds on command: monkey, sheep, duck, cow, lion, snake, and cat. Unfortunately, we don't live on a farm or in a zoo (figuratively, yes), but he's learning, so we're quite pleased. He is also signing "More."
I am very fortunate. We're lucky to have had him diagnosed so early. We're lucky to have the support of family and friends. We're lucky to have great therapists who seem to root for Zed and get as excited about his progress as we do. We're lucky to have a great Services Coordinator who tracks down resources for us, lines up evaluations, and does everything else we ask of her (and poor thing, we do ask a lot of her). We lucky to have a great support network in our town and have met some great couples going through the same thing. One couple is serving as our mentors, letting us know what roads they've traveled and giving their feedback on different therapies, issues, etc. while never actually telling us what to do.
But most of all, I'm lucky to have such a wonderful wife. She is there for me and I like to think I am there for her as well. We have fully immersed ourselves in researching autism and different theories and therapies. We are working together toward one common goal: to give Zed the tools and resources he needs to become the best person he can be (the same thing we do for Zoey).
Because as I have recently found out, this isn't always the case.
Two weeks ago, we were at a playdate with several of the kids in Zoey's preschool class. One of the moms confided in me that her son has always been hyper and she was convinced he had ADHD. It turns out that after several rounds of testing, her son has Sensory Integration Dysfunction which is causing him to lash out at his surroundings until he reaches a level of comfort, after which he is fine. She has been taking him to weekly therapy sessions. But her husband refuses to acknowledge their son's condition. "He's just a boy being a boy," the husband tells her. He refuses to take part in the therapy sessions and does not make an effort to help his wife continue the lessons she learned in the sessions.
On Sunday, we went to a pig pickin' sponsored by our community association. I was sitting on a bench, making small talk with a woman. We were talking about schools and I told her where Zed will be going to preschool in a few weeks (it's a place that has a lot of experience with autistic children, but also enrolls neurotypical children). She must have been familiar with the place because she immediately started crying. She went on to relate how she is convinced her son has Asperger's Syndrome. She told me about her son and much of what she said jibed with the classic traits of Asperger's. But they have not had their son tested because the husband absolutely refuses to address the issue. The wife has felt that something was "not right" about her son since he was four. He is now eight. The school counselor has dropped hints. But the husband still refuses to have him tested. "He'll grow out of it."
I don't mean to pick on men because I'm sure there are also women out there who are the same way, but what kind of macho jock crap is this? I can understand the denial and the fear of finding out the truth like in the second guy's case. When Zed was diagnosed with autism, I didn't want to believe it. But I quickly came to terms with it and started working on getting Zed the help he needs. But four years of denial? Please. And I cannot begin to wrap my head around the first guy. He has been told that his son needs therapy and yet refuses to take part in it.
There's more to life than being the father of the high school quarterback. And just because your son has autism, ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, or SID doesn't mean he won't grow up to be the high school quarterback. But he will need your love and, most of all, your support if he is going to reach this and all other goals.
I don't really know what to say to these people. I just listen to their stories, offer my suggestions and support, and silently thank the heavens that I have Ella in my life. What would you do in these situations?
If you have any concerns about the development of your child, please review the Autism Society of America's characteristics of autism. Early intervention is the key in treating autism.
Song of the day: Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
Stuff Only I Care About XLVII
Weekly Random Thoughts on the Yankees
The Yankees went 5-1 this week, bringing their record to 65-51. The Yankees have won ten of their last twelve games and sixteen of their last twenty-one. They are now five games behind Boston in the AL East and are tied with Seattle for the American League Wild Card. On May 29th, the Yankees were 21-29, fourteen and a half games behind Boston and eight and a half games back in the Wild Card race.Earlier I bitched about the Yankees not picking up a reliever before the trade deadline. I had heard they were planning on bringing up Joba Chamberlain and had heard how he was lights out in AAA, but I still wanted a proven veteran. Boy, was I wrong. Let's compare Joba's stats against Eric Gagne's (who I had hoped the Yankees would land) since he joined the Sox:
G IP H ER BB SO ERA
Chamberlain 2 4.0 1 0 2 6 0.00
Gagne 4 3.1 9 6 2 4 16.20
It's a good thing I'm not in charge of the Yankees. The kid pitched a 100 MPH fastball on Tuesday night. He'll be a starter next year, folks.
It's been a great week for the Yankees. Hughes pitched a great game on Friday night (6.0 IP, 4 H, 1 ER, 1 BB, 6 SO). A-Rod has rediscovered his homerun swing (three homers in his last two games). Clemens and the rest of the team stuck up for A-Rod on Tuesday night. The Yankees are playing as a T-E-A-M. There's blood in the water, people.
But no one has me more excited right now than Shelley Duncan. Dude is a spaz. Intense. He's also a lot of fun to watch. He's got the whole "I'm playing for the YANKEES!" look on his face every time you see him. It's great seeing a MLB player treating it as more than just a job. I have a serious man-crush on him.
Of course, the five homers and eleven RBI in thirteen games don't hurt.
Weeds
One of the best shows on television, Weeds, returns to Showtime on Monday night. Set the DVRs!I'm undecided as to whether I'll give Californication a try. What about you guys? I'm semi-allergic to David Duchovny.
A Web Virgin No More!
I've never met a fellow blogger before. Actually, that's a lie. Once I went to a conference and was in a room with several hundred bloggers. But I didn't know any of them and they didn't know me, so that doesn't count.Anyway…
On Thursday night, the extremely talented Kristen Chase (of Motherhood Uncensored, Mominatrix, The Mom Trap, Cool Mom Picks, and the Parent Bloggers Network) and her two equally beautiful children stopped by our house for dinner on her way to Atlanta. We had a blast. Kristen is every bit as witty in real life as she comes across on the computer screen. And me? I came off as a shy, bumbling, fumbling neurotic who is deathly afraid of other people.
Thanks again, Kristen!
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Amy takes her family to the Sears Portrait Studio.
- BMC embraces her detractors.
- Darren may or may not own Lou Gehrig's bat.
- Marla is fascinated by wedding dances and mediocre DJs.
- Motherbumper discovers where all the missing maxi pads have gone.
- Weirdgirl creates the Terrible Twos Regimen.
B-I-N-G-Oh Hell No
When we go out to eat as a family, I tend to look for two things:
- A noisy restaurant where it won't matter if my kids decide to start bouncing around in the booth like chimpanzees. We never go to places that are for couples or are considered romantic. We never go to places on nights they have drink specials. We try to be as courteous as possible. We're a loud family. It makes me much more comfortable to have other loud kids around us.
- A "Kids Eat Free" sign. Because not only will the meal be cheaper, but my first point will be covered as well.
Moron.
First of all, Zoey wasn't having much fun. The caller was whizzing through the numbers at such a breakneck pace that I doubt chain-smoking blue-hairs with their eighteen Bingo cards and lucky miniature ceramic kittens could've kept up with her. So Zoey was panicking because by the time she located the correct column and then looked down the column to see if that number was there, the lady had already called out another number. I started helping her a bit but that wasn't enough. She started screaming out, "Do I have it? Do I have it?" after every number was called.
And we won't even go into the argument that ensued when she was crossing her legs because she didn't want to go to the bathroom for fear that she might miss a number (or twenty).
We played six or seven games before we left. With each loss, she began to pout more. My daughter's got a killer instinct, a win-or-die attitude, where she's got to be the best at everything. That competitiveness hadn't reared its ugly head in quite some time, so I had kind of forgotten about it.
Until we stepped outside. She started crying. Bawling. She was S-C-R-E-A-M-I-N-G she was so pissed off.
Ella: Honey, calm down.
Zoey: No! I wanted to win!
Ella: It's not always about winning.
Zoey: Yes it is! It's always about winning!
Ella: It's about having fun.
Zoey: No it's not! It's about WINNING!
Eat your heart out, Bobby Knight.
GHS: 3
Song of the day: Jealous by Gene Loves Jezebel
Stuff Only I Care About XLVI
Weekly Random Thoughts on the Yankees
The Yankees went 5-1 this week, bringing their record to 60-50. The Yankees are now seven games behind Boston in the AL East and one and a half games behind Detroit for the American League Wild Card.The Yankees have won eleven of their last fifteen games. In those eleven wins, the Yankees have outscored their opponents 127-38.
127 runs scored in their last eleven wins. That's 11.5 runs per game, folks!
Congratulations to A-Rod for hitting his 500th career homerun today. I hope his 600th, 700th, and 800th come while wearing the pinstripes as well.
Scream A Little Scream
The Two Coreys had so much potential. A reality series about Corey Haim and Corey Feldman? Yes, please!But Christ, it was so lame and scripted I could only force myself to watch three-fourths of an episode before cancelling my Season Pass.
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Danny needs you to pray for him.
- Mamatulip lists ten things she loves about Canada.
- Mike visits The Club.
- Motherbumper's daughter invents a new yoga position.
- Rockstar Mommy knew Dora was trying to kill her.
- Wordgirl compares her weekend in Forth Worth with BlogHer.
When Art, Baseball, And Hoity-Toity Bitches Collide
Zed attends Little Gym once a week. On that evening, either Ella or I will take The Center Of The Universe Zoey out for dinner and somewhere fun. Last night, Zoey and I went to the Cultural Arts Center.
She loves going there. She gets to play with clay, make friendship bracelets, paint, draw, and build things. I love it because it's free. And nothing sets my heart aflutter like that beautiful little word.
But since it's downtown, it's always full of hoity-toity mothers and their offspring. And even though it's free, these women think the Center should cater to their every whim and give their young Prestons and Caitlyns individual attention. Zoey was painting while I watched one mom offering suggestions to one of the Center's volunteers.
"My little boy can't sit at this table. There's not enough room!"
"You really should put something over here. There's a lot of unused space in that corner."
"You need more volunteers!"
I looked over and saw a cool mom shaking her head in disbelief. Her eyes met mine and we had the following conversation via a series of eye rolls, arched eyebrows, and shakes of the head (at least this is how I like to believe our conversation went):
Me: What is her damage?
Cool Mom: I know. I can't believe this bitch.
Me: Seriously! It's free. Learn to deal.
Cool Mom: Yup. [While nodding at my shirt] I see you're a Yankees fan.
Me: Yes. You?
Cool Mom: Red Sox.
Me: Oh.
Cool Mom: So which team do you think did worse at the trade deadline?
Me: It's a tossup.
Cool Mom: You guys needed bullpen help. And what did you do? Got rid of your most reliable setup man. And for a utility infielder? Morons.
Me: I know. I can't believe they did that. But what about you guys? You needed a bat. You should've really made a push for Dye. But instead you picked up Gagne. You already had the best one-two punch bullpen in the league. You guys need to have a lead before you can turn out the lights with Gagne, Okajima, and Papelbon. You needed a bat. Idiots.
Cool Mom: I know. But at least neither of our teams gave up any quality prospects this year! Unlike some teams…
Me: Stupid Braves.
Cool Mom: Word.
Even though I was having fun eyebrow-talking baseball with this mom, my attention quickly turned back to the Hoity-Toity Bitch. She had moved on from the Center volunteer and had started berating her son.
"Preston! Stop spilling paint on your shirt."
If you didn't want him to get messy, lady, you brought him to the wrong place. Preston then decided to make a frame for his masterpiece.
"Preston! You're not doing that right!"
Jeez, this woman needs to chill out. Poor kid.
"Preston! Can't you cut a straight line?"
Somebody needs to put this woman in her place.
"Preston! You're doing that all wrong! Just let me do it!"
That was enough. I summoned all my courage, cleared my throat, opened my mouth, and said--
"Jesus Christ, woman! It's art! There is no right or wrong!"
Only those words didn't come out of my mouth. It was Cool Mom who said those words. She was the one with the cojones, not I. I smiled at her and she smiled back as Hoity-Toity Bitch gathered Preston and scurried out of the Center. We continued our eyebrow conversation while our daughters finished their paintings.
Me: Thank you.
Cool Mom: No problem. It needed to be said.
Me: Word. You know we're going to be leading the AL East by mid-September, right?
Cool Mom: In your dreams, pal.
Song of the day: Girls & Boys by Blur
