School Daze

We are leaning toward sending Zoey to kindergarten in the fall (and thereby going against the judgment of her preschool teachers). If she takes up smoking in third grade, starts selling drugs in fourth grade, and finally gets expelled in the fifth grade, it will just be another notch in my Bad Parenting Belt. So be it.

That's a lie. I'm already beginning to rethink it.

Why? The paperwork! Paperwork as far as the eye can see. Student Data Forms. Immunization Records. Health Records. Emergency Contact Information. Twenty-seven thousand forms that all contain the same information. My hand aches.

We're attending a special Meet And Greet at her elementary school tomorrow afternoon. When we went last week to sign up for the Meet And Greet, I pointed to Zed and asked, "Is it OK if I bring him along? His Mom works and I don't have a babysitter." The lady behind the counter curled her lip as she said, "If you must."

Bitch.

Another reason I'm not looking forward to sending Zoey to kindergarten is the bus. We live within walking distance to her school, but I'm planning on dropping her off at school before I take Zed to preschool (Walk to school? That's soooooo 1953.).

But Zoey is obsessed with riding the school bus. It's all she talks about anymore. To her, a major part of the kindergarten experience is the bus. I am constantly telling her, "Daddy will be driving you to school and picking you up after classes." And she is constantly telling me, "When I go to kindergarten, I get to ride the bus."

Should make for an interesting first day of school this fall.

Song of the day: Fight The Power by Public Enemy

Stuff Only I Care About XXXIX

Weekly Random Thoughts on the Yankees

Yeah, the Yankees lost seven games in a row (four of which were to the Red Sox), but I'm here to focus on the positive: THE YANKEES ARE ON A ONE-GAME WINNING STREAK! WOO-HOO!

Highlights from Saturday's game against Boston:

• Kei Igwa, who entered Saturday's game demoted to the bullpen due to his 7.84 ERA, pitched six scoreless innings when he came in for Jeff Karstens, who left with a broken leg after six pitches. Igwa gave up two hits, four walks, and struck out six batters.
• Mariano Rivera, who entered the game with a 12.15 ERA, pitched a scoreless ninth to earn his first save of the season. It only took twenty-two games.
• Ballgame over! Yankees win! Thuuuuuuuuuuu Yankees WIN!
  

The Yankees are still in last place in the AL East, five-and-a-half games behind the Red Sox. They own the second worst record in the American League. Their starting pitchers continue to drop like flies and falter when healthy (with the exception of Igwa's performance this afternoon). Their bullpen is running on fumes. But they're still averaging 5.78 runs per game. And that's with Damon, Matsui, and Cabrera all batting below .250.

Bloggers For A Cure

The Lovely Mrs. Davis Tells You What To Think, Jefitoblog, and twelve other blogs have banded together to create Bloggers For A Cure to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis research. Among the many prizes they have donated are signed CDs from damn near every children's music artist on the scene and a 250G external hard drive filled with handpicked mp3s from Jefitoblog. If you'd like to make a donation and enter the drawings, click here.

Cooking For A Cause

MothersClick have created a cookbook culled from recipes contributed by their online community. The Food Network's Nigella Lawson wrote the forward for the cookbook and even contributed a recipe of her own. But the best thing about the cookbook is that 100% of the proceeds will be donated to The Boys & Girls Clubs of America.

Clueless

Can someone explain the point behind MyBlogLog? Is it just more needless blog bling? Or is there something more to it that I'm just not seeing?

Woodstock Was For Hippies

The other week, Mikeal at Tattooed Dad was kind enough to fill me in on the greatest music festival the world has ever seen. Forget Woodstock, Bonnaroo, SXSW, Lollapalooza, and Coachella. The Rock Fever Festival, a three-day festival held in Oklahoma in mid July, buries them all.

Check out the lineup: Bang Tango, Britny Fox, BulletBoys, Dokken, Enuff Z'nuff, Faster Pussycat, Firehouse, Great White, Jackyl, LA Guns, Vince Neil, Poison, Quite Riot, Ratt, Slaughter, Skid Row, Twisted Sister, Warrant, W.A.S.P., White Lion, Winger, and Y&T.

Who's up for a road trip?

I'M AN IDIOT

I have said, "Fact: bears eat beets" approximately seventeen times in the past forty-eight hours.

Spring Cleaning

I'm in the process of changing some stuff around on the site. You may have noticed that I've put my archived Songs Of The Day in one location, The Cynical Dad Jukebox. I've also moved my blogroll to a separate page. So if you use a feed reader to read my crap, you may see weird pages pop up during the process.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Danny discovers Heelys are the instrument of Satan.
• Lindsay deals with The Grand Inquisitor.
• Marla fantasizes while in her pimp rental car.
• Mrs. Fortune is blogging again.
• Oh, The Joys catches a free show on the highway.

Song of the day: My Way by Sid Vicious

Advice For Mothers-To-Be

Dear Liz, Christina, and Tammie,

First of all, congratulations! Hope this finds you well. This is a very special time in your lives. I hope everything goes ok for you guys and you all give birth to healthy and beautiful children.

When Her Bad Mother sent me an email asking me to pass along any parenting advice I had, I was somewhat hesitant. Who am I to give advice? As a general rule, it's probably a good idea to do the exact opposite of anything I recommend.

Anyway…

The best piece of parenting advice Ella and I received was sleep when the baby sleeps. Seriously. Put everything else on hold for a bit and take a nap. You need your rest for the long nights and care of your child. Sleep!

The worst piece of advice Ella and I received was too much advice. Everybody's got an opinion on how you should raise your child. If you listen to enough people and read enough books, you'll get contradictory views on every facet of child-rearing. In the end, you have to make your decisions based on what's best for you, your baby, and the rest of your family.

And finally, here's some TOP SECRET SPECIAL ADVICE from me. I know everyone wants unique names for their children. I named my daughter after one of my favorite bands. Sure, we get some looks when we tell people her name, but I sleep like a baby knowing she'll be the only VanHalena in her kindergarten class.

People try alternate spellings. They name their kids after flowers, fruits, and animals. I know someone who scoured an anthology of 18th century Portuguese landscape artists trying to find a unique name. But I have discovered a treasury of names no one is using. It's so hot that celebrities haven't even started doing it yet!

Name your children using classic dog names. Rover. Spot. Fido. Duchess. Sport. Patches. Lassie. Benji. Puddles. Precious. They all have a nice ring to them, no? You'll never run into another Puddles on the playground. And you'll never have to pull a "that's Fido with a P-H."

Once again, congratulations and I wish you all well. I hope this was helpful.

Hugs, Kisses, & Pregnant Belly Rubs,
Chag

Song of the day: Hazy Shade Of Winter by Bangles

Double Oh Cheap Bastard

I love electronics. Shiny metal. Bells and whistles. Gadgets. However, I am also a cheap bastard so I refuse to buy most of these items. And that's why I'm the last person on the planet without an iPod (or any type of .mp3 player).

When she was pregnant with Zoey, Ella was on bedrest for several months and they told us at twenty-six weeks that Zoey could "come at any time". Because of this, we thought it would be a good idea to purchase cell phones. I had owned one in the early 90s, but it was the kind that was connected to your car. It also cost $30/month for thirty minutes. Needless to say, I didn't use it very often.

We signed up with Verizon. They had a new-every-two program where you got a new phone every two years. Little did I know how badly I would need such a program.

My first phone became a distraction for Zoey while she was on the changing table. Because of this, it was often dropped. So it should have came to no surprise that the phone didn't last the two years. About two months shy of the end of the contract, I could not make any outgoing calls on the phone and could only receive half of my incoming calls. But I was cheap, so I went two months without a phone.

I was paying my bill online the other day and noticed that my service agreement had expired. Since my phone had become both Zoey and Zed's plaything, it was in sad shape. Part of the faceplate was missing. When you opened the phone, most of the pixels were burned out due to Zoey dropping it one day last year. The burned-out pixels made dialing a number fun because I couldn't actually see the number I was dialing. It was like playing Russian Roulette; I fumbled around the keypad hoping I was dialing the correct number.

So I started looking at the phones they had available. And then I saw her: The G'zOne. She was big, bulky, and sexy. She was shock-resistant. She was dust-resistant. She could be submerged in three feet of water for thirty minutes. I could shower with her. I was in love.

And then I saw her price: FREE!

I was madly in love.

I got the phone today. It's H-U-G-E. I think it's bigger than a cordless phone. When Ella came home this evening, I was waiting by the door to show her my new toy phone. "Wow," she said. "That looks like something a spy would have."

"I know," I replied, arching my eyebrows ever so suggestively.

She threw her arms around me, kissing my neck while ripping off my shirt said, "You're such a dork."

Since she was unreceptive to the G'zOne's sexy ways, I decided to show her to someone who would truly appreciate her beauty: another male. I strapped on my ten-inch penis phone and went roaming the neighborhood. It didn't take long to run into a neighbor.

"Jesus! Is that a phone or a walkie-talkie?" my neighbor asked when he noticed it on my side.

"It's a phone."

"Who the hell are you going to call with that? Mars?"

I went home in tears. No one understands you like I do, G'zOne. Here's to the next two years, baby!

Song of the day: Across The Universe by Fiona Apple

Sponges That Speak

On Saturday, the neighborhood came together for a block party. We had great weather and the kids played well into the night. Everyone had a good time.

Well, everyone but me as I was constantly running inside to catch some of the second game of the Red Sox's three-game sweep of the Yankees. So I spent most of the time in a lawn chair, muttering obscenities, and drinking Diet Coke from a plastic cup.

At one point, the three-year-old daughter of one of my neighbors came up to me.

"Is there any alcohol in your drink?" she asked. I giggled.

"No, honey. Why?"

"Can I have a sip?"

I gave her a sip as my eyes met the eyes of her mother, whose face was blood red.

And it wasn't sunburn.

I giggled even more.

Song of the day: Goodbye Earl by Me First And The Gimme Gimmes

Second Verse, Same As The First

Zed and I were at Target today. I had just loaded our purchases (paper towels and a new toothbrush for Zoey if you're curious) into the car when I saw her.

I immediately shifted into warp drive. I quickly pushed the cart to the corral, carried Zed back to the car, and began buckling his car seat.

But it was too late. She was already standing beside my car. "I really like the color of your car," she said.

I sighed. I knew where this conversation was headed. When people approach me in parking lots, they want one of two things: my spare change or my soul. I could tell she wanted the latter.

"Thanks," I half-heartedly replied while preparing my plan of attack. "Can I ask you a question?" she asked.

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

But I said, "Yes." I'm an idiot.

"If you were to die today, would you go to heaven?" she asked like countless others before her.

"YES!" I yelled as I ran to the front of my car.

"Are you sure, sir?" she asked.

"YES!" I yelled as I slammed the door shut.

It's officially time to get my hair cut again. And if any of you know of any reputable tattoo removal services, please let me know so I can finally get rid of the HEATHEN tattoo on my forehead.

Song of the day: Story Of My Life by Social Distortion

Zoey The Burgeoning Sociopath

Zoey had just come in from her friend's house. Her friend's mom let the girls plant seeds and flowers in her garden this afternoon and even let the girls decorate their own trowels for the occasion.

"You sure do have a lot of nice moms in your preschool class," I told her. "I'm going to miss them next year."

"What do you mean?" she asked me.

Oops. It was time for the talk.

"Well Zoey, next year you'll all be going to kindergarten. Not all of the kids in your class will be going to the same school as you. And I don't know how many of them will be in your kindergarten class next year."

"I know, Daddy. But sometimes you meet new friends. And then you get over it."

What have I been teaching this child?

Song of the day: We Belong by Pat Benatar

Stuff Only I Care About XXXVIII

Weekly Random Thoughts on the Yankees

The Yankees are 5-5 so far this season and find themselves a game behind Boston.

They play a three-game series at Fenway starting Friday night. We'll see then just how good both teams are.

Best news of the week: Chien-Ming Wang pitched five innings of no-hit ball in a rehabilitation start this week. If things go well in his next game, he'll be back with the Yankees by the end of the month.

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

Tyler Hansbrough will be back next year. Ty Lawson will be back next year. Wayne Ellington will be back next year. Even if Brandan Wright decides to enter the draft, life is good. And Carolina should be sitting atop the preseason polls.

True Mom Confessions

Rebecca Woolf of Girl's Gone Child and Romi Lassally have launched True Mom Confessions, a place where moms can anonymously post their true confessions and secrets. They'll also be launching a radio show based on the site in May.

Please Help

If any of you have the ability to make Rush Limbaugh and/or Bill O'Reilly say "nappy-headed hos" on the airwaves, I would appreciate it very much. Thanks in advance!

This Sucks

Kristin from Go Go Bimbo! is closing her site to finish her novel. Go wish her luck.

And Kristin? I'm still using Go Go Bimbo Inferno as the name of my midlife crisis garage band.

This Doesn't

Bite My Cookie and her husband are pumping out "Vagina Is For Lovers" t-shirts. If you're interested, drop by her site.

Rat(t) Poison

Ratt and Poison will be teaming up for a tour this summer. Rock!

Poison will also release a disc of cover songs entitled POISON'D on July 5th. They'll be covering Bowie's Suffragette City, The Cars' Just What I Needed, and The Romantics' What I Like About You. Also on the thirteen-track disc will be previously released covers like Rock And Roll All Nite, Your Mama Don't Dance, and You Don't Mess Around With Jim.

And I'm probably the only person on the planet excited about this.

Thanks

Jenny at Absolutely Bananas was kind enough to nominate my site for The Blogitzer award over at the Blogger's Choice Awards. While I'm extremely flattered, I know I have no shot of winning because

1. the award is for "the blogger who demonstrates the best writing ability on his or her blog." By definition that excludes me.
2. I'm up against far more talented and deserving sites like Dooce (who's already kicked my ass once in an awards competition), Fussy, MetroDad, My Tiny Kingdom, RockStar Mommy, Suburban Bliss, and Sweet Juniper!.
   

Song of the day: Euro Trash Girl by Cracker

The Day My Testicles Disappeared

We're back from the beach. Exhausted. A little lighter in the wallet. But we had a great time, even though the weather failed to cooperate. Imagine three fifteen-story towers' worth of people trying to cram into the hotel's sole indoor swimming pool. So we ended up doing a lot of touristy stuff like shopping.

Zoey spotted it first. Next door to throngs of fortysomething men posing next to the twenty-foot Gene Simmons demon boot outside the Kiss Coffeehouse stood the store that puts fear into the hearts of men everywhere: Club Libby Lu.

Club Libby Lu, for those of you lucky enough to have no idea what I'm talking about, is a place where young girls can get makeovers. "MOMMY!!! CAN WE GO THERE?" Zoey screamed loud enough that sixteen moms looked in her direction.

When we walked in the door, our senses were immediately assaulted. There was a woman standing by the door waiting to shower the girls with fairy dust (glitter) while the girls made a wish. They covered Zed with glitter too. He coughed, gave the Glitter Lady a look, and probably wished he was somewhere else.

I know I did.

Loud techno versions of hit songs by Gwen Stefani and other acts popular with the 4-12 female set blasted over the sound system. They also played selections from what I believe was High School Musical because everyone in the joint was singing along to the songs (except us) and they were selling copies of the soundtrack everywhere you turned.

And of course, the place was colored cotton-candy pink.

Between the fairy dust, techno girl music, and pink décor, I could feel my testicles crawl up into my abdomen. My breasts may have gotten larger too.

The first thing Zoey did was choose which makeover she wanted. She could choose from Secret Celebrity Hannah Montana (which wasn't much of a secret as it was plastered all over the place), Trend Setter, Makeover Cinderella, Rock Princess, or Dance Diva. She chose the Rock Princess makeover mainly because it came with a imitation wireless mic headset. We were told it would be a twenty minute wait to meet Zoey's stylist. But at least it beat the seventeen-hour wait at Build-A-Bear!

The stylist applied Zoey's nail polish first. Then she put pink eye shadow on my four-year-old daughter's virginal eyelids. I immediately started foaming at the mouth like Rev. John Lithgow in an anti-Revlon version of Footloose.

"Did you know they were going to put eye shadow on Zoey?" I bellowed at Ella. She ignored me.

Her stylist then put lip gloss on Zoey's lips. I started to object but knew Ella would ignore me yet again, so I chose to gnash my teeth in silent protest.

Then the stylist did her hair. They put it up in a bun with little twists around it so there were sprigs of hair sticking out in every direction. When the stylist was finally finished, Zoey looked like a preschool prostitute one of those scary pageant girls a Rock Princess. She was happy. And therefore, so was I.

But Zed and I still went to Hooter's for dinner that night to cleanse ourselves. And to search for our testicles.

Song of the day: Dreaming by Blondie

On The Road Again

We're heading to the beach on Thursday afternoon! Hallelujah, Woo-Hoo, and all that jazz.

On our last trip to the beach, we got to see Jeff Foxworthy stores, a tractor pulling into a saloon, and a Slippery Dick. We learned of a Miss Small-Breasted contest being held at a strip club. I also pissed off a bunch of sorority girls.

But I know we'll be able to partake of much more redneck goodness this trip because

• It's not supposed to make it to 60° the entire time we're there which will means less beach time but also means more time to take in the freakshow.
• It's Spring Break! ALL the weirdoes will be in town representin'.
  

I'm a bit disappointed we're going to the beach this weekend. Sarah was passing through this way and wanted to know if we could get the kids together. I've never met a fellow blogger. Actually, that's a lie. I once met 200 fellow bloggers at a conference. I just didn't tell them who I was. I went to learn things and not to network because I am an introverted nerd.

But it's probably just as well. Sarah could've turned out to be an axe-wielding psychopath. Or maybe she really is a suburban mom with a fondness for 80s metal. Maybe next time.

Until we get back, enjoy the following sites:

• …For A Different Kind Of Girl
• Go Go Bimbo!
• Halushki
• Oh, The Joys
• Tattooed Dad

Song of the day: Holiday Road by Lindsey Buckingham

Feelin' Frisky

About a week ago, we decided to take away Zed's pacifier. We didn't want the only child at the Senior Prom with a pimped-out binky stuck in his mouth.

But we didn't totally take his pacifier away; he's just not allowed to have one during waking hours. He gets it right before bedtime and naptime (next week, that comes to an end as well). Cold turkey is tough on junkies.

I keep an emergency pacifier in either my shirt pocket or my back pocket during the day. In case he falls, throws a fit, etc. and my singing won't soothe him, I have the pacifier as a backup plan. While I haven't had to use it yet, he knows it is there.

And therein lies the problem.

He knows it is there. And every once in a while, he'll want it. And he goes searching for it.

He'll start patting me down, feeling my shirt pocket. If there's nothing there, he'll move on to the pockets of my pants. It's like I'm being frisked before heading off to jail.

But sometimes he gets a little too overzealous during his search. He'll start pinching instead of merely patting me down. And sometimes he pinches, um, something he shouldn't. I'll be standing around and he'll run up to me and pinch me there. Then I'm the one in need of a pacifier.

I need to nip this in the bud before he nips me to a nub.

And because I've had this damn song stuck in my head all day, I thought it was only polite to return the favor:

Song of the day: Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

Music For Hip Kids (And Even Hipper Parents)

I've been sitting on this news forever and I've finally been given the greenlight to spill my guts!

About a year ago, I was sharing a beer with an old band mate of mine. Unlike myself, he was able to make a career out of music and is currently an engineer/producer at a local recording studio. I was bragging how ever since my children were wee babies, I've had the ability to soothe them with just a few lines from a song. One beer led to another and the next week I was in his studio with a couple of studio musicians recording a few demos.

My producer friend shopped the demos around for a few months to different record companies and someone finally bit. We all flew to New York in late January and cut an album. It'll be released on June 26, 2007.

We're releasing it as Chag Holland & The Hollandaise (Is that too cheesy? Of course, it's too late to be asking that now. CDs have already been printed.). The album's entitled Music For Hip Kids (And Even Hipper Parents). I wasn't too cool with the title, but I learned very quickly a brand-new children's artist has to bend A LOT.

The record company gave me the go-ahead to give you the track listing (but they drew the line at posting mp3s). It consists of nine originals and three covers. The originals aren't your usual children's fare (or so I like to tell myself). I've always thought that music is a great educational tool. While it might be fun to sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat, it can be equally as fun to sing other songs that might contain some sort of message. And that's what I tried to do with my original tunes. I also tried to throw in as many musical genres as I possibly could.

Anyway, here's the track list:

1. The Bare Necessities This is the classic from The Jungle Book. We pretty much played this one straight-up; we felt it was too cool to mess around with too much. As an added bonus, Zoey got to sing Mowgli's parts on the track.
2. Share Or It's Going In The Trash A punkish number about sharing.
3. God Made Dirt So Dirt Won't Hurt An industrial track about kids making messes. This is Zed's favorite song on the disc (probably because he loves to make messes).
4. Because I Said So A fast-paced zydeco ditty.
5. Wig In A Box This song from Hedwig And The Angry Inch was what I would sing to Zoey when she was a baby. She still loves to hear me sing it four years later. Besides, what kid doesn't love to play dress-up?
6. Princesses Don't Eat Their Boogers This is a phrase I often tell Zoey because she's so into princesses. So I decided to write a song about it.
7. Please Don't Do It Until You're Thirty This song is about sex. It's also the only song where I get to rap. Pity.
8. Do You Know Where That's Been? This is my double-entendre hair band song. It could be interpreted as picking up something off the floor and eating it. Or it could be interpreted as picking up a girl at a bar and…
9. Pee In The Toilet, Not In The Tub A retro 80s synth track.
10. Big Kid Underwear This is a rah-rah-rah song about potty training (we even have cheerleaders singing the chorus). This will be the first single and first video.
11. Daddy Needs A Drink A country ballad about the end of the day, bedtime, and what Daddy does behind closed doors.
12. Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life This song by Monty Python was the song I would sing to Zed when he was a baby. I couldn't make it to the chorus before the crying stopped.
    

If all goes well, we're hoping to launch a mini-tour at county fairs this summer. I'll post the dates as soon I receive word. Hope to see you guys there!

Song of the day: Liar by Rollins Band