Real Men Of Genius

I enjoy Bud Light's Real Men Of Genius commercials. Today, I came across two stories that deserve to be highlighted in upcoming commercials.

This Would Really Be Super
A group has created an online petition to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. I couldn't agree more. On Monday, everyone's either hung over, talking about the game, or talking about the commercials. Or all three. No one's working, so everyone might as well stay home from work.

Why Hasn't This Happened Sooner?
A scientist in North Carolina has discovered a way to put caffeine in donuts. Do I really have to explain how AWESOME of an idea this is? It's probably one of the six greatest inventions of all time. Dude definitely deserves a Nobel Prize.

Thanks

I'd like to thank everyone who commented and/or offered sympathy on my last post. The legal system simply sucks. At 21's third arrest, he was told to enter and complete rehab or he would have to go to jail. He went to rehab but checked himself out before he completed the program. You would think at his fourth arrest, the judge would've noticed this and given him a harsher sentence. Nope.

Even though it was his fourth DUI arrest, the vehicle he was driving was stolen from his brother, and he crashed into another vehicle going over sixty MPH and smashed part of the guardrail, he was only sentenced to fifteen weeks of weekend jail time. Another part of his sentence was to find a job, which he has yet to do. Want to know why? They haven't assigned him a parole officer yet. With no one to report to, he has no one to answer to, so he can do what he wants.

And I seriously doubt he'll receive more jail time as a result of missing his scheduled incarceration this past weekend. He's already done it once back in December and nothing happened to him.

I guess you have to kill someone before you face serious jail time.

Song of the day: The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song by The Flaming Lips

Par For The Course

If you read my last post, you may be wondering, "What kind of ass decides to blog in the middle of a romantic weekend getaway with his wife?" I'll tell you: the kind of ass whose romantic weekend getaway with his wife gets pulled out from under him at the very last minute.

So much for living like a rockstar.

<!-- Begin Backstory -->
My mother is physically unable to keep our kids. She has had both knee and back surgery in the past year. She can keep Zoey and often does. But taking care of Zed requires some heavy lifting, something she cannot do. So we're left with Ella's Mom and Dad.

Ella's sister is a complete fuckup. She's a heavy drug user (prescription, illegal, and non-prescription -- she'll take whatever you're offering), been convicted of shoplifting many times, and is a former prostitute. Ella's parents have custody of her two sons. One is eighteen, the other is twenty-one. 18 is a great kid. 21 inherited his mother's fuckup gene.

21 has a history of drug use and violent outbursts. He's never had a job longer than two weeks. He has shady friends. People have shown up at Ella's parents home in the middle of the night looking for him, drugs, or money. Because of this, we don't really like to spend the night at Ella's folks' home, much less leave our children there without us.

21 recently received his fourth DUI in less than three years. As a result, he was sentenced to fifteen weeks of weekend jail time (he goes to jail on Fridays at 6:00 PM and leaves on Sundays at 6:00 PM). Seems like a pretty weak sentence to me, but that's the legal system for you.

Ella and I knew that if we ever wanted to go somewhere for a weekend, we had to do it while he was serving his sentence.
<!-- End Backstory -->

We got to Ella's folks' house around 9:00 PM Friday evening. The plan was to spend the night there and kiss the kids goodbye at 10:00 AM the next morning.

At 8:10 AM, Ella came into the room to wake me. "Get up and get your shower so we can get going," she said. "Five more minutes," I replied.

At 8:20 AM, Ella came into the room and said, "21's here."

I shot out of bed, "What the hell?"

"He claims they sent him home sick from jail."

"You don't get sent home sick from jail! He's full of it!"

"I know. He probably didn't even go."

He didn't. Our weekend was shot. We piled the kids back into the car and headed home. Maybe we'll try again in another four-and-a-half years.

How was your weekend?

Song of the day: Laid by James

This Must Be How The Non-Paranoid, Non-Obsessive Parents Live

Based on last night's post, I'm sure you could all deduce that I did not win the lottery. Sigh. But guess what? This weekend, Ella and I will be living like rockstars.

Get this: we will be going away overnight without any kids for the first time since we've had kids (that's four and a half years).

Thanks to the assistance of my lovely travel agent, we've got a nice little hotel room lined up and great restaurant reservations. We're also planning on going shopping, catching a movie, watching the Carolina game, and dancing (we've got to pack four and a half years into those thirty short hours).

Have a great weekend!

Song of the day: I Go Crazy by Flesh For Lulu

The Cynical Children's Public Theatre Presents: Be Quick Or Be Dead

It was a special day in Barbie Land: the marriage of Princess Ariel and Prince Eric. Only the cool and hip Barbies were invited (the skanky Bratz were forced to sit at home and stew). All were dressed in their finest couture.

The wedding was lovely until the first kiss. Suddenly, Zedzilla appeared on the horizon. The wedding party scrambled to safety.

Except for one poor bridesmaid. Zedzilla picked her up and in one fell swoop, decapitated her. This caused Zoey, the only non-Barbie fortunate enough to be invited to the wedding, to morph into Mothra and let out a blood-curdling screech.

Before the Epic Monster Battle could erupt, SuperDad flew in and performed successful emergency surgery on the decapitated Barbie. Order was restored in Barbie Land!

Fade out.

****

This is becoming more and more common at my house. I know I wrote that my kids don't have any sibling rivalry issues, but that doesn't mean they don't fight. Because they do. ALL THE TIME. Mostly over toys and territorial issues.

I'm not looking forward to the day when I can't put Humpty (or a Barbie) back together again. Because that's when all hell will break loose.

GHS: 1

Song of the day: Cigarettes And Alcohol by Oasis

We Should Have Named Him Noah

Zed has a new habit. He is constantly carrying things around in his hands.

In pairs.

If he has a car in one hand, there's a car in the other. If he has a Weeble in one hand, there's a Weeble in the other. You get the picture.

It's like buying for twins. But thankfully our "twins" only wear one diaper.

Unfortunately, he's not content with simply carrying the toys around with him. Most of the time, he's either banging them together or banging them on the table or floor (or any other hard surface).

The kid's pretty much into anything that makes a lot of noise. The louder, the better.

I'm getting him a set of cymbals for his birthday next month. And a pair of earplugs for myself.

P.S. This is probably my last post on Cynical Dad. I'm planning on winning tonight's $240 million Powerball lottery. After that, we'll be too busy traveling, riding in stretch Hummers, and hanging with no-talent D-list celebrities. Maybe one of my children's future nannies will post something here from time to time.

Song of the day: What's My Scene? by Hoodoo Gurus

A Warning? A Threat? A Promise.

To the next unsupervised little bastard on roller shoes that comes whizzing around the corner and almost runs into me, my wife, one of my children, or my shopping cart:

YOU WILL BE CLOTHESLINED!

Hugs and kisses,
Chag

Song of the day: Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie

Stuff Only I Care About XXXIII

My Thoughts On The NFL Conference Championships

New Orleans Saints at Chicago Bears
I really think the Saints' dream season will continue. The Saints will need to keep RBs Cedric Benson (who should be the starter) and Thomas Jones (who is the starter) in check and put the game in the hands of Rex Grossman (and there's not a Bears fan on this planet that wants that to happen). Chicago's defense will not be able to keep up with Brees, McAllister, Bush, and Colston.

Final Score: Saints 17 Bears 9

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick at Indianapolis Colts
What? You mean there are other players and coaches on the Patriots? How come I never hear anything about them?

I feel sorry for Peyton Manning. He's one of the premier QBs in the NFL, yet his playoff career sucks is less than stellar, especially against the Patriots. But then I see one of his 14,386 commercials three seconds later and my sympathy vanishes.

Monkey on Peyton's back? Bye-bye. The Colts will win it on a last-second Vinatieri field goal.

Final Score: Colts 27 Patriots 24

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

Carolina rolled over #13 Clemson and Georgia Tech 77-55 and 77-61, respectively. This week they have a scrimmage against Wake Forest on Wednesday (think they'll put up 100?) before traveling to Tucson on Saturday to play #12 Arizona.

Nerd Stuff

If you've recently upgraded to Firefox 2.0 and found out you could no longer use WebMailCompose, you're in luck. Another developer has taken the script and upgraded it to work on the new version of Firefox.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, WebMailCompose is a little plug-in for Firefox that will automatically fill in the addressee line in your web email (gmail, yahoo mail, etc.) when you click on an email link on a web page. I never realized how much I used it until I had to go without it for a few weeks after upgrading to Firefox 2.0.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Chris takes a look at some of his spam.
• Kristen gave birth to a beautiful little guy (picture here). Congrats, Kristen!
• Lindsay goes to a kiddie casino.
• Mamatulip's daughter has the same tastes as mine.
• Matthew publishes the Top 10 Tools For A New Dad.
• Matthew Baldwin's wife discovers a great use for cooking spray.
• The Weirdgirl has a foul-mouthed toy in her home.
• Wendy's son doesn't understand Ebay.
  

Song of the day: Welcome To The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance

We Eat Out Entirely Too Often

I gave Zoey a Hershey's Kiss today. She carefully peeled off the foil and popped the chocolate in her mouth.

A few moments later, she walked over to me carrying the white Hershey's flag. "Here," she said. "Tell me what my fortune says."

Song of the day: Rise Up With Fists by Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins

Stuff Only You Care About III

Here is the final batch of answers to the questions you asked during De-Lurking Week. If I missed your question, please let me know.

Ron: Have you kept up with your old pre-SAH buddies?
To some extent. We exchange emails, Christmas cards, phone calls, and all that kind of stuff, but probably only meet up six times a year or so. I tend to see the ones with children more often than those without. We're scattered all over the state now so it's hard to get together as often as we'd like.

Liza: Have you ever had any cyber-stalker/e-flaming type stuff go on in your comments or via e-mail, and how did you handle it (in general terms, naturally)?
I spent many a night as a pretentious college student (and beyond) getting all philosophical with friends and strangers and if I learned anything from the experience it's that no matter how convincing your drunken arguments are, you're not going to change anyone's mind. It just leads to a lot of messy fights.

On my site, I tend to stay away from button-pushing issues such as religion, politics, and breastfeeding, so I haven't had many nasty emails or comments. But I've found that the best course of action when dealing with these psychos is no action at all. They're just looking for attention. Ignore them. No matter how scary their death threats may seem.

Stefan: Think the Heels men's basketball team can win it all this year?
After tonight's convincing victory against Clemson, I really do believe Carolina will win it all this year. They have so much talent and depth it will be hard for any team to keep up with them for forty minutes (just ask Virginia Tech, who almost blew a twenty-point lead to Carolina with less than five minutes remaining).

The only thing that stands between them and a national championship is the players' egos. With so much talent and only so many scoring opportunities, some players are bound to get jealous of others at some point.

Creative-Type Dad: Was Colonel Sanders really a Colonel?
Not a real colonel, just an honorary one. But Sgt. Slaughter was really a sergeant.

The Battered Ham: Do you have any aspirations of becoming the new Yellow Wiggle?
Please. The Wiggles are so 2002. I'm holding out to be a regular on Jack's Big Music Show.

Caitlin DiMare: What is your favorite thing about being a father?
Everything. The good and the bad. Sorry if that sounds like a cop-out answer, but it's the truth.

I take that back. I don't enjoy changing diapers. Diapers suck. But everything else rocks.

Sephyroth: I don't know if you've discussed this, but what got you into blogging?
I've been on the web since early 1996. Back then, I wrote a monthly satirical pop culture 'zine. I hung it up in 2001. In April of 2005, I got the itch again, so I started another pop culture site. But my heart wasn't really into it, so in July of 2005 I decided to start writing about my kids.

Song of the day: Why Can't We Be Friends? by War

Stuff Only You Care About II

Here is the second batch of answers to the questions you asked during De-Lurking Week. The final group will follow in a day or so.

mamatulip: What's the best concert you've ever been to?
I've been to a lot of shows, but I've got to say that the best concert I've ever seen was the original Lollapalooza. Since I don't live near a large metropolitan area, I had never been to a music festival before. Nine Inch Nails, Jane's Addiction, and Siouxsie and the Banshees were three of my favorite bands at the time. I had a blast.

Honorable mentions: Jane's Addiction in a tiny theater (I had a 103 degree fever; it was better than any drug I could've taken), The Cramps (the only concert I walked away from with a piece of memorabilia: a wine cork Lux Interior spit into the crowd), and the night Susanna Hoffs was undressing me with her eyes.

mamatulip: What's your middle name?
I use a fake first name and last name on this site, but I've never made up a middle name for myself. How does Sebastian suit you?

Chag Sebastian Holland. Works for me.

Here's a fun fact you don't know about me: I was named after a dog (and you people wonder why I use a fake name). Here's how it works: I was named after my uncle. He was named after a doctor. The doctor was named after a dog. So if you connect the dots, I was named after a dog. Does wonders for one's self-esteem.

Mrs. Fortune: Why do you live where you live - what brought you there, I mean, because you're not from there originally, right?
My parents moved to this area when I was young. I never left.

Mrs. Fortune: How did you and Ella meet?
I've mentioned this before and it's just as embarrassing to type this as it was then, but we met in a karaoke bar. Really, how could one not fall in love with the long-haired cutie belting out Bon Jovi's Bed of Roses?

Ella didn't. She opted for the misfit butchering The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go?.

She should've gone.

Mrs. Fortune: Why did you tell me not to give up on Jake Delhomme?
Because Delhomme is an above-average quarterback with two great wide receivers in Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson. I said yesterday that the blame for the Panthers' poor season should be placed on Dan Henning. And today he was fired. Rock!

Something Blue: What is the most bizarre thing that gets on your nerves?
There are many, many, many things that get on my nerves. But most of them are pretty commonplace: stuff like bad drivers, stupid rednecks, most politicians, etc. But here's something that really gets on my nerves: I absolutely refuse to walk into a movie theater after the previews have started. The trailers are a vital part of the movie-going experience.

And ketchup and mustard. I cannot stand the sight, smell, or taste of either.

And people who say "feel gold" instead of field goal.

I should stop by now before this answer takes on a life of its own.

Kate: Since my hubby is a SAHD, I'm curious how you became that. And does every man envy the fact that you stay at home?
Some guys do, some don't, and some do for all the wrong reasons. I remember when I first told my friends that I was going to be a stay-at-home dad. One of my single friends said, "Cool! You can stay at home and play video games all day!" Idiot.

While Ella was still out on maternity leave, we decided one night that it would be in Zoey's best interest if I stayed at home with her. We went over our finances and found out that once you subtracted the cost for daycare, I wouldn't have had much salary left. Plus, I was able to freelance from home.

On my first day on my new job, I was terrified. But I'm slowly getting the hang of it. And it's by far the best thing I've ever done with my life.

Croutonboy: Do you remember life before YouTube?
No. And I don't want to. I just hope that the people that own the content don't get lawsuit-happy and shut the place down. They've got to realize that it's great publicity for their movie/television show/song/whatever. Without YouTube, I wouldn't be able to subject you to gems such as this:

Song of the day: Jukebox (Don't Put Another Dime) by The Flirts

Stuff Only You Care About

As promised, here are the answers to the questions you asked during De-Lurking Week. Another batch will follow in a day or so.

Mark: As a geek, I'm obligated to ask a geek question: what kind of computer are you using to spill your cynicism onto the web?
Until September, I was using a six-year-old or so POS Compaq desktop. I had to reformat my hard drive every six months or so, the CD player didn't work anymore, the monitor was flickering, and I was still running Windows ME on the machine so I couldn't run recent versions of other software. I now have a Dell E1705 laptop and I love it. It's got a 17-inch monitor (on my Compaq, the highest resolution I could get was 800X600; now I'm rocking 1440X900), 1GB of RAM (which I'll eventually upgrade; hadn't had the need to yet, though), a 1.73 GHz Core Duo processor, and a 100GB hard drive.

Of course, a week after I bought the damn thing, the Core 2 Duo was released. That's how my luck usually works.

Braindead Betty: You may have written about this before I was a reader, but my question is how did Zoey deal with Zed's birth? And how do you guys deal with sibling rivalry issues when they come up?

Hairline Fracture: Question: are there any sibling-rivalry issues between Zoey and Zed, and if so, what do you do about it?
We've been very lucky. Zoey and Zed have gotten along great since Day One. We didn't really have any sibling rivalry issues until he started walking. We try to give them undivided attention as much as possible to help prevent this. We have Daddy-Daughter days, Mommy-Daughter days, etc. They really love one another, so it really hasn't been that much of an issue. Yet.

Teresa: My question is did your kids ever go through a no phase? I mean no to everything even stuff they want? And if so how did you deal with it? My 15 mo is smack dab in the middle of this and I have no idea what to do I mean who says no to m&m's? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
We've been lucky. Neither one of our children have gone through a phase like that. Wish I could tell you what to do. Anyone have any advice for Teresa?

Peter: What type of tooth paste do you use?
Crest Extra Whitening.

The Weirdgirl: So since you've let it slip that you cut your hair, I don't need photographic evidence but can you at least DESCRIBE your new do?
I don't really have a 'do. I don't own a brush or a comb. I also don't put any hairspray, paste, gel, mousse, or any other gunk in my hair. I dry it with a towel and go.

According to Ella, my hair is "short and shaggy." I cut it really short back in November because of our family portrait. I figured I could look decent for once in my life.

Currently, my bangs are just over my eyebrows, my sides are halfway over my ears, and the back is touching my collar. The AlternaMullet will be back in full swing soon!

Christopher Tassava: What's the biggest parenting mistake you've made?
I don't know. I feel like I make so many mistakes on a daily basis, we won't know which did the most damage until after several years of my children's therapy.

Becoming a stay-at-home dad, maybe? I've mentioned before that they would probably be better off raised by wolves.

Kristen: Question: Do you make separate meals for Zoey and Zed?
I do when it comes to lunch. Most of the time, we just do sandwiches so I make each kid their favorite. But our kids aren't picky eaters (the only thing Zoey won't eat is peanut butter and we haven't found anything Zed won't eat yet).

I'm beginning to feel like an ass here. All my answers have been, "We're really lucky. Our kids don't do that."

Wendy: Will Dan Henning lose his job?
If I were in charge, he would've been standing in the unemployment line some time ago.

A lot of people want to put the blame for the Panthers' disappointing season on the shoulders of Jake Delhomme and his costly fourth-quarter interceptions. Football is all about exposing and taking advantage of the other team's weaknesses. It's all about adjustments. If the running game isn't working (which it seldom did this season), go to the pass. Don't suddenly look up at the scoreboard in the fourth quarter, notice that you're down by ten, and then decide to stop handing the rock to Deshaun Foster on third and long.

Song of the day: Who's Got The Crack? by The Moldy Peaches

Stuff Only I Care About XXXII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Carolina Tar Heels

I was all set to use this space to celebrate the Heels' winning ways and revel in Duke's 0-2 record in the ACC. Then they lost to Virginia Tech. But it wasn't a total loss; the Heels showed they don't throw in the towel. Carolina was down 80-60 with less than five minutes remaining and actually cut the lead to three before losing 94-88 to the Hokies.

This week the Heels play at Clemson and get Georgia Tech at home.

Andy Reid Is A Moron

You're down by 3. There's 1:56 remaining in the game. It's 4th and 15 from your own 39-yard line. What do you do?

Punt!

Idiot. Great idea: put the game in the hands of your defense which had already given up 196 yards on the ground. Even if they had stopped the Saints from picking up the first down, they would've received the ball in their own territory with no timeouts and less than a minute remaining.

Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame

This year's inductees to the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame are Patti Smith, R.E.M., the Ronettes, Grandmaster Flash, and Van Halen. A stellar lineup, in my opinion.

But there's something I don't quite understand. Van Halen has had three singers over its long career: David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, and Gary Cherone. Of the three, only Diamond Dave and Hagar will be inducted into the Hall. I agree that Cherone wasn't a vital part of Van Halen. Hell, I didn't even like most of Hagar's stuff with Van Halen. But how do they decide which members from a band get in the Hall and who stays home?

You Guys Make Me Feel Like A Rockstar

I would like to thank every single one of you who commented the other day for De-Lurking Week. 66 comments. Wow. Thanks. I wasn't expecting that kind of turnout. Thanks.

And to those of you who asked questions, I'll post the answers next week.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Anne and her family hit New York City.
• Dave knows who writes the President's speeches.
• Dooce discovers she's still got it.
• Jozet hates head lice, olives, Phil Collins, and insurance companies.
• Julie reminisces about the Rubik's Cube.
• Mamatulip receives obscene finger gestures from a pristine girl.
• Sarah learns how easily daughters can manipulate their fathers.
  

Song of the day: When I Grow Up by Garbage

To Those Of You Looking To Jump In The Sack With Me

Despite the fact that I have never published a solicited review on this site, I still receive emails from companies or people wishing to send me samples of their stuff. They think you guys value what I say. They think you would spend your hard-earned cash on the recommendations of a moron. Ha!

I also receive emails from ecommerce sites. Since I've worked for two separate ecommerce companies and have done programming projects for several others, this is something I actually believe I'm qualified to review. But I still don't.

A few months ago, I received an email from an ecommerce site. They had a great premise: for x dollars a year, you receive toys every few months that are geared specifically to your child's developmental stage. It was a very slick and professional site.

The only problem with the site? I have a penis.

The site was H-E-A-V-I-L-Y geared towards Moms. And that pisses me off. It's not 1953 anymore. I know I'm not the only father out there taking an active role in his children's lives. So why do many parenting magazines, web sites, and companies act like mothers are the only ones that take care of their children? That moms are the only ones that make purchasing decisions for their children?

That moms are the only ones that matter?

Blah, blah, blah. I know I've beaten this horse into a bloody pulp in the past, but it still pisses me off. Bottom line: If you ask a father's opinion on your site, make sure you have a site that actual makes DADs feel welcome.

So I replied to his email. I told him I liked the premise behind the site. I told him the site had a great design. But I told him I didn't care much for his mom-centric tagline (which has since been changed) or his large army of toy testers which was comprised entirely of mothers. He told me he saw where I was coming from but 90% of his company's orders were from women.

I never took any marketing classes in college, but even my tiny monkey brain could see that if you market exclusively to one group, you shouldn't be surprised when they make up most of your customer base. And if you market exclusively to mothers, don't be surprised when dads like me don't show up at your door.

These memories were dredged up by something I read on Strollerderby, an excellent site that seems to realize there are two parts to this whole parenting gig.

Song of the day: Friend Or Foe by Adam And The Ants

Stroke My Ego

Guys, it's De-Lurking Week. That means if you're a regular reader of my site but never comment, this is the time to introduce yourself in the comments section. All my regular commenters are free to say hello as well.

Since I'm asking this of you, I'll give you something from me: you're free to ask any question you'd like in the comments section of this post. As long as it's not too personal [edited: pictures of me definitely fall under the "too personal" category], I'll try to answer as many as possible in an upcoming post. Deal?

Thanks.

Song of the day: Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show by Neil Diamond

You People Frighten Me

Yup, it's that time again. Time to dust off the old StatCounter files and show you guys some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

my neighbor's cow is dead
Time for a neighborhood barbeque!

if playdoh gets hard how do i make it soft again
No idea. But if it stays hard for four hours or more, seek immediate medical attention.

dan zanes sucks
I agree. But not all children's music sucks.

co-sleeping no sex
That's why we have a crib.

best photography poses for fat people
Standing next to even fatter people?

french maid cheerleader
Dude! One fantasy at a time!

how to make diaper elephant
Is this some kind of deranged origami?

scents that guys are most attracted to
Desperation.

long hair chag
Sorry. Took that picture down some time ago. Plus, I don't have long hair anymore.

world better off without men
You're probably right.

The party ain't over until everyone's pregnant
Sounds like the worst party ever!

chuck e cheese birthday part vs pumpitup birthday party
No matter which one you choose, you lose.

germaphobe store
Oh how I wish such a thing existed.

caillou hey leave me alone
Dude? Just turn off the television. Caillou can't hurt you if he can't see you.

stupid people have more kids
It does seem that way, doesn't it? But if that were the case, I'd have a dozen or so.

child controlled by imaginary friend
Sounds like the premise to a really bad Stephen King novel.

fraggle rock kid tantrum screaming crying radio
This is why you hipsters shouldn't torment your kids with the shows of your youth.

Song of the day: Ted, Just Admit It... by Jane's Addiction

My Little Punk, Pretty Punk

Yesterday, Ella took Zed shopping while Zoey and I hung around the house. Since I was interested in watching the NFL Wild Card games, Zoey was left to her own devices. Every once in awhile, she'd come into the living room and ask a question.

"Can I play with my markers?"

"Sure."

"Can I pierce my ears?"

"Sure."

"Can I shoot heroin with my friends?"

"Sure."

At one point, she came in and asked if she could play with her scissors. She's been on a kick lately where she makes her own jigsaw puzzles. She draws a picture, cuts it up, and glues it back together on another sheet of paper. I went out to the kitchen, got her scissors and construction paper, and went back to the living room.

Every so often (re: commercial break), I would pop my head in the kitchen to see what she was doing. During my last visit to the kitchen during yesterday's Mostly Unsupervised Fun With Scissors Time, I found that Zoey had given all her My Little Ponies mohawks. Remember when I was concerned that Zoey was becoming more Princess than Punk Rock? Maybe there's still hope for my girl.

The ponies, however, are less than pleased. With their rainbow mohawks, they look like some lame mid-80s synth band. I'd be pretty pissed, too.

Song of the day: Hello by Celebrity Skin

Stuff Only I Care About XXXI

Damn You, Blogger!

I recently switched over to Blogger Beta and have been slowly applying labels to my past entries. This is not a very healthy exercise for me. I'm anal-retentive about stuff like this, so it's quite difficult not to apply ten or twenty labels to a single post. I need an editor.

So far, I've gone back and put labels on about two-thirds of my posts. What have I learned so far?

• I write about music entirely too much (23 posts and counting).
• I write about my own stupidity entirely too much (13 posts and counting).
• I write about this site (um, like N-O-W) entirely too much (18 posts and counting).
  

And I had you folks tricked into thinking I write about my kids!

Give Your Foot A Tap

In case you weren't aware, the second season of Jack's Big Music Show premiered today. They're airing another new episode on Sunday at noon. And they'll be replaying them to death in the weeks to come.

This is Zed's favorite show. Actually, it's pretty much the only thing he'll watch other than the Moose A. Moose songs between shows. I've never seen that boy so excited. He danced the entire time that show was on today.

Now if Noggin would get on the ball and release some Jack's Big Music Show merchandise, we'd be truly happy. Zed's birthday is next month, guys!

More Kids' Music

The Lovely Mrs. Davis is giving away four tickets to any stop on the upcoming Ralph's World tour. I'm not familiar with this band, but if your kids dig them, drop by her site and enter the drawing.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Dave needs a new mattress.
• Emily gets a call from her daughter's principal.
• Lindsay had a mouse in her house.
• Steve experiences his first massage.
  

Song of the day: Wig In A Box by Hedwig And The Angry Inch

A Fourteen-Year-Old Girl Trapped In The Body Of A Preschooler

There's no nice way to put this, so I'll just come right out and say it: my daughter is a Prima Fucking Donna.

Zoey's a clothes hound. I don't know where she gets it. When I need new clothes, I go Goodwill hunting. Ella, while not nearly as thrifty as I am, doesn't spend an inordinate amount on clothes.

Zoey is obsessed with dresses. And during Christmas break she was able to wear dresses every day because someone was always sick so we didn't really go anywhere (poor Zed is still battling a double-ear infection). But now, even though it's thirty degrees outside, she expects to wear a dress to preschool every morning.

Not happening. Not on my watch. We've tried to compromise by introducing leggings. But there are only a few pairs that she deems worthy to touch her skin.

Yesterday, things came to a head. She wore a dress and a pair of leggings on her first day back at preschool. But the leggings didn't have feet attached to them so she had to wear socks as well. Apparently, this is a fashion no-no as she screamed, "I DON'T LOOK VERY PRETTY!" as we made our way to the car. When she got from school, she begged me to let her take off her leggings. I've been dealing with a major sinus infection and didn't feel like arguing with her all afternoon, so I gave in (I know. Big mistake. I suck.). Later that afternoon, we needed to go to Target. So I told her to put her leggings back on.

And that's when the fireworks started. During her forty-five minute crying/screaming tantrum that landed her in timeout several times, I called Ella and said, "I'm burning all her dresses. Every last one."

I have since come to my senses. I can't just burn something my daughter loves just because she won't do what I want . So instead, I packed them all away and created a Springtime Advent Calendar. Every morning, she gets to mark off a spot on the calendar. And every day, she gets closer to the magical date of April 1st, the day she is allowed to wear dresses once again.

GHS: 8

Song of the day: Supermodel by Jill Sobule

Christmas Is A Time For Giving Crap

Between the pink Barbie boxes, the pink nightgowns, and pink shirts which Zoey received on Christmas morning, our living room looked like the aftermath of a cotton candy factory explosion. I'm fond of calling my daughter the Punk Rock Princess, but lately she's much more Princess than Punk Rock.

But here are two gifts I'm sorry were under the tree:

Barbie's Bad Enough, But These Bitches Are Slutz

Christmas was great for the kids. We opened presents at our house, drove thirty miles to my mom's house where they got to open presents again, and then drove two hours to Ella's parents' home to open presents yet again. I'm always a little afraid of what our relatives will get the kids. Most of the time, they do ok. But this year, my fears were justified.

Ella's sister bought Zoey a Bratz doll for Christmas. I can put up with Barbies, Princesses, and the like, but I draw the line at Bratz dolls. I don't like the way the dolls look. I know Zoey will be dressing like a Bratz doll when she's fourteen, but there's no need to accelerate the process.

We "accidentally" left the doll at my in-laws' house. Damn!

Yodeling != Music

I bought Ella the new Gwen Stefani CD for Christmas because she's got bad taste (she married me, after all) and she apparently has a fondness for yodeling. Before we made the trek to her parents' home, she asked if we could put the CD in the car. Normally, I would've said, "Hell no!" But it was Christmas and I was filled in with good tidings and whatnot, so I put it in the CD player. When it was over three hours later (at least it seemed that way), I hit the Eject button.

Nothing happened.

So I hit it again. Still nothing. I tried and tried to get the damn CD out of the player but it wouldn't budge. I know music companies are taking steps to combat music piracy, and there's no way someone can pirate a CD if they can't get the damn thing out of their player, but this seemed a little heavy-handed to me.

The next morning I started the car and the CD ejected immediately. A Christmas Miracle!

And just so you don't feel left out:

Song of the day: Wind It Up by Gwen Stefani

I'm Not Dead

Yeah, I realize it's been over a week since I've posted but Ella's been off work so we've been doing lots and lots of family stuff. But if it makes any difference to you, one of my resolutions is to try to post more often (not necessarily a good thing, I know). I'm also going to start appending every post with a music video or concert performance.

Things might look a little weird around here for the next few days as I mess with the template a bit. I recently switched over to Blogger Beta and in order to access their conditional tags, I'm not allowed to use my old template anymore. But hey, it was time for a change. And what better time than the beginning of the year, no? (And if you see anything that looks really out of whack, please let me know. Thanks.)

I hope you and your family have a happy and healthy 2007!

Song of the day: The King Is Half-Undressed by Jellyfish