Zoey turned four years old on Saturday. I know what you're thinking. Dude? Your daughter turned four on Saturday and you're just now writing about it? What kind of daddyblogger are you? I suck. I'll turn in my membership card and forget the secret handshake, okay?
Last year, we had a three-day celebration to mark the occasion. This year, we decided to go a little more low-key and do everything in one day. We went to Krispy Kreme for breakfast (shut up, it was her birthday!) and then came home so she could open her gifts.
Like last year, we had her birthday party at Pump It Up. We tried to bribe threaten encourage her to have it somewhere (ANYWHERE!) else, but everyone in her little clique has their birthday parties there, so she had to have her party there as well. Follower.
There were twenty-nine kids at her birthday party. I know. Just a tad excessive. But once you invite the preschool class, a few kids from the neighborhood, a few kids from the gymnastics class, relatives, children of our friends, and a few random siblings from the aforementioned groups, you suddenly have TWENTY-NINE kids.
Next year, in lieu of invitations, we're just placing an ad in the newspaper.
The party was going great until I noticed Beth crying in her mother's arms. I went over to investigate. "I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE!" she was screaming. She refused to open her eye. So I went to the other room and made an ice pack for her. I sat with Beth and her mother for about five minutes until we decided a trip to the emergency room might be in order.
I returned to the party and rode the slide with Zed until my father-in-law came running up to me. He had lost his cellular phone and assumed he had left it at the grocery store. He wanted me to walk around the store with him and call his phone number on my cellular phone in the hopes we would hear his phone ring. I had just spent the previous ten minutes pretending to be a doctor and he wanted me to leave my daughter's birthday party to help him find his cellular phone.
I gave him my cellular phone and wished him luck.
After they had jumped and pumped it up for ninety minutes, all the sweaty little creatures retired to the party room for cake. Beth returned to the party with ten minutes to spare. She had gauze wrapped around her head and eye. Apparently, someone had scratched her retina or cornea or some important part of her eye. But at least she came back for cake. What a trooper!
We have had five birthday parties for our children (four for Zoey, one for Zed). We've had two near-choking incidents and one scratched eye. That's a 60% failure rate. So I've decided that we're not having any more birthday parties for the kids. Either that or we just dress everyone in bubble wrap. There will be no eating, no playing, and no fun; just a bunch of bubble-wrapped kids sitting quietly.
And definitely no more Chuck E. Cheese's!
We took Zoey to Chuck E. Cheese's on Saturday night (donuts for breakfast and pizza for dinner; we suck). Chuck E. Cheese's is always crazy. But Saturday nights at Chuck E. Cheese's are a special kind of crazy. There were five official birthday parties (the ones where people actually reserve tables in front of the scary animatronic characters), three semi-official birthday parties (smaller parties with cake), and at least one semi-semi-official birthday party (us (no cake)).
You couldn't move in the place. There were unsupervised kids running wild everywhere! At one point, someone's baby crawled up to me. I calmly placed her in the Lost And Found box.
In all, I counted 824 kids running around the restaurant. And only twenty-seven parents. Is there some secret room in the back where the in-the-know parents hang out? They serve alcohol in that room, don't they?
God knows I could've used some.
GHS: 10
More Birthday Party Fun:
Zoeypalooza 2005 -- Day One
Zoeypalooza 2005 -- Day Two
Zoeypalooza 2005 -- Day Three
Of Princess Parties And Candle Fellatio
Because It's Not A Birthday Party Until You're Performing The Heimlich Maneuver
It's All Fun And Games Until Someone (Almost) Loses An Eye
The Cynical Dad Incestuous Music Trivia Challenge Results
Ok. The object of my contest was to find as many artists/bands/band members that have albums on my Top 100 Albums Of All Time list AND also perform on another album on this list by another artist/band. No third-party musicians or studio guys.
Here are the answers:
Jim Carroll: Catholic Boy and ...And Out Come The Wolves
Trent Reznor: The Downward Spiral and Under The Pink
Flea: Mother's Milk and Nothing's Shocking
Flea: Mother's Milk and Sentimental Hygiene
Mike Patton: Mr. Bungle and Angel Dust
KRS-One: By All Means Necessary and Cereal Killers
David Lowery: Telephone Free Landslide Victory and Kerosene Hat
Meat Loaf: The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Bat Out Of Hell
Steven Tyler & Joe Perry: Toys In The Attic and Raising Hell
Steven Tyler: Toys In The Attic and Dr. Feelgood
The Hooters: Nervous Night and She's So Unusual
Ben Folds: Ben Folds Five and Rockin' The Suburbs
Eazy-E: Eazy-Duz It and Straight Outta Compton
REM: Document and Sentimental Hygiene
Peter Buck: Document and Bloodletting
Sarah (of Sarah And The Goon Squad fame) was the winner of the contest. She correctly identified twelve of the fifteen artists (she missed The Hooters, Jim Carroll, and KRS-One). Congratulations!
Now that all of this is over, I will try not to talk about music for at least a week.
AND IN OTHER NEWS
On Friday, I finally ordered the laptop that was supposed to be my Father's Day present. I'm having serious buyer's remorse (as I do any time I spend money on myself), but I also can't wait until my shiny new Dell arrives on my doorstep. It'll be nice not to have to scroll to the right on 80% of the sites I visit (been rocking the 800X600 resolution; it'll be weird having a laptop with a larger screen than my desktop), have a CD player that actually works, have a hard drive that doesn't crash and burn every six months (hopefully), and run Windows XP (yeah, I've been running ME on this crappy machine, which means I haven't been able to use iTunes (or Flash (or most everything else)) like the rest of you).So if I go AWOL next week, I'm just spending some alone time with my new lover.
Hey! Remember Me?
Sorry. Life has gotten in the way of blogging the past few days (the nerve!). Normal crap will resume in a few days. Just thought I'd drop everyone a note to remind you if you're planning on entering my Incestuous Music Trivia Challenge (there's a $25 Amazon gift certificate on the line), the deadline is 9:00 PM EDT on Tuesday.
Youthful Idiocy: The Great Playboy Heist
Part 1 of a 14,389,003-part series that serves as a reminder that every time one of my kids does something dumb, I've done something dumber.
Every suburban neighborhood has its own set of local urban legends, be it the old woman up the street with a glass eye, the dog that bit off a mailman's leg, or the crazy man that shoots at you if you get too close to his shack deep in the woods.
Or the former teenager's clubhouse that is full of Playboy magazines.
When I was growing up, I was best friends with three other guys in my neighborhood. The four of us were whitebread wusses, but we were also money hungry. We were constantly concocting cockamamie schemes that might put a few quarters in our pockets. While most almost-teenagers would've converted those quarters into packs of cigarettes, we were more interested in buying wrestling magazines and playing a few video games at the Quickie Mart in town.
See? We were whitebread wusses.
One day we were riding our bikes when another boy in our neighborhood came running up to us. "Guys!" he yelled. "Look what I found!" And then he proudly held a Playboy magazine over his head. Of course, we all crowded around him like he was holding... a copy of Playboy over his head.
"Where did you get that?" one of us asked.
"In Fred's clubhouse," he replied.
"Won't he get mad?"
"He probably hasn't been out there in years. There's so many of them he won't miss one!"
"Can we have it?"
"No! Go get your own!"
And so the wheels were set in motion. Not only did the four of us want our own copy of Playboy magazine, we decided we would sell the remaining copies to nudity-deprived boys in our neighborhood. So we decided to all lay out of school one day and steal the magazines.
We met at 10:00 AM on that fateful day. One of us was even dressed in black from head-to-toe (it was probably me; even at such a tender age, I was still fairly neurotic). Chuckie, the chubbiest one of the gang, would be the lookout while the three of us entered the clubhouse and liberated the long-forgotten magazines. When we entered the clubhouse and saw the magazines, there really should've been a glowing light and the sound of angels playing overhead. It was that magical.
The three of us quickly gathered as many magazines as possible and hurried to the woods in my backyard to examine our booty (hahaha): thirty-one copies of Playboy and three copies of Hustler magazine (which made the Playboys look like issues of Highlights). The magazines weren't in the best of shape; they had been left in the elements for years. But we could see all we needed to see as we carefully peeled back the sticky rain-damaged pages (at least I pray to God they were rain-damaged pages).
I think it was Chuckie who said what was on all of our minds. "Guys? I think we should keep all of these for ourselves."
Or at least I thought we were all on the same wavelength. "No," John replied. "We shouldn't be looking at these. They're naughty. We should burn them." We talked John out of burning them and decided to hide them in the woods until Saturday. We decided to sell a few of them and keep the rest for ourselves.
When we met on Saturday morning, John didn't show up. Finally, we gave up on him and decided to go to the woods to get the magazines. When we got to the spot where we had hidden the magazines, all we found were their sad, pitiful, and charred remains.
Asshole.
Zoey And The Amazing Multicultural Themed Camp
A few weeks ago...
Ella: I signed Zoey up for another summer camp.Me: Cool. Another art camp? A sports camp?
Ella: No. A multicultural camp.
Me: What does that mean?
Ella: It means she'll learn about different countries and cultures.
Me: She's three.
Ella: So?
Me: Couldn't she learn something that would be a little more useful to her right now?
Ella: I think this will be useful.
Me: Can't she go to Learn To Read Camp?
Ella: I think the multicultural camp will be fun.
Me: How about Learn To Tie Your Shoes Camp?
Ella: Are you done yet?
Yesterday...
We arrived at the church where the Multicultural Camp was held. We were walking through the building when we came across a woman wearing a white, flowing robe. "That's odd," I thought to myself as we exchanged smiles.When we came to the classroom, there were four women all wearing white, flowing robes. I thought I had stumbled upon a Polyphonic Spree jam session. "Christ," I thought. "This isn't a camp. It's a commune!"
Even though every instinct told me to run away, I gave Zoey a goodbye kiss and spoke with her teachers for a few minutes, trying to uncover their hidden hippie agenda. No luck.
I ran outside and phoned Ella.
Me: What the hell kind of camp did you sign Zoey up for?
Ella: A multicultural camp.
Me: It's run by hippies!
Ella: What are you talking about?
Me: Hippies! They're all wearing white robes!
Ella: I'm sure you're overreacting. As usual.
Me: No! I saw them!
Ella: Denise sent Rachel there last summer. She loved it.
Me: Is Denise a hippie?
Ella: No!
Me: I bet Rachel is now!
Today...
As we were driving home from Multicultural Camp, I noticed an overpowering scent in the car.It was a familiar scent.
It was a nauseating scent.
It was...
PATCHOULI!!!
Me: Zoey, did your teacher spray perfume on you?
Zoey: Yes, Daddy!
Me: grumble, mumble, grumble
Tomorrow...
If Zoey comes home with flowers in her hair or babbling about peace, love, and understanding, Daddy's gonna kick some hippie ass.And Now For Something Completely Different
I've got that music trivia contest going on if you're interested.
The Cynical Dad Incestuous Music Trivia Challenge
Ok. As some of you already know, last week I wrapped up my Top 100 Albums Of All Time. I had a lot of fun doing it and I think one or two of you might have enjoyed it as well. As no one won my previous contest (guess what my #1 album was), I thought I'd give you guys another shot. It's the least I can do after putting you guys through such Hell over the past few weeks.
Anyway...
Rule #1 of my Top 100 Albums Of All Time was "One album per artist." This wasn't entirely true. Several artists on my list appeared on more than one of those albums.
Your mission?
To find all the artists in my Top 100 Albums Of All Time that performed (no samples) on more than one of those albums.
Example:
Say Ringo Starr lent his drumming skills to Cinderella during the recording of their Long Cold Winter album. That would count as one. In your email to me, you would write:
Ringo Star -- Abbey Road and Long Cold Winter
If you don't know the names of exact performers, that's cool. You can just put:
The Beatles -- Abbey Road and Long Cold Winter
So go through my top 100 and email me as many pairs of albums as you can find that share a common performer. A correct pair gives you a point. An incorrect pair causes you to lose a point. Some artists actually appear on more than two albums. You get one point for the first pair of albums, another point for the third album, and so on.
Clarification: I'm looking for artists/bands/band members that have albums on my list AND also perform on another album on this list by another artist/band. No third-party musicians or studio guys.
The person with the most points wins a $25 gift certificate from Amazon.com. In the event of a tie, the person that emailed their entry to me first wins the gift certificate.
You have until 9:00 PM EDT on August 29, 2006 to email me your entry. The winner will be announced on August 30, 2006. When you are ready to make your guess, email me. No comments will be accepted. One entry per person, please.
And by the way, if none of this made any sense to you, please leave a comment for clarification. I am currently typing this with a 101.8° temperature. So I stopped making sense some time ago.
Here are the links to the Top 100:
10-1
25-11
40-26
55-41
70-56
85-71
100-86
Stuff Only I Care About XX
Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees
The Yankees only went 4-3 this week, bringing their overall record to 73-48, yet they are now four-and-a-half games ahead of Boston in the AL East.In winning the first three games of their five-game series, the Yankees have outscored the Red Sox 39-20, racking up forty-four hits and twenty-five walks.
The series has allowed Red Sox fans to examine two major problems with the Boston front office: they were too cheap to sign one of their best and most likeable players (Johnny Damon has gone 9-18 (.500) with 8 RBI, three doubles, one triple, and two homers) and they didn't do anything before the trade deadline (Bobby Abreu has gone 7-13 (.538) with five walks (for an OBP of .667) and three doubles).
Curious
I have been receiving fifteen to twenty hits a day from people performing searches like the following:drummer stood up 80's rockabilly
drummer stood up for 80's rockabilly
80s rockabilly song drummer stood up
80s rock drummer stood up
1980's rockabilly drummer stood up
drummer stood up, 80s rockabilly
If anyone has any clue what these people are looking for, please leave a comment. I'm very curious.
If It Was Good Enough For Us, It's Good Enough For Them
The Lovely Mrs. Davis recently asked her readers to write about the television programs, music, movies and books from their youth that they were planning on sharing with their children. She received over forty replies! I encourage you to check them out. It's a fun trip down Memory Lane.Me? I've been Tivoing Pee-Wee's Playhouse for my daughter. She loves it (but I've got to be fast with the remote as the commercials they show are extremely inappropriate).
Sunday Morning Hangover
Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:- Dad Gone Mad is a wimp.
- Dooce answers her hatemail.
- Dutch discovers misanthropes shouldn't have garage sales.
- Laura manages conflicting agendas.
- Lindsay deals with the Soccer Mom Network.
- The Sarcastic Journalist learns to cook.
- Steve fondly remembers the Pinewood Derby.
The Top 100 Albums Of All Time (10-1)
And so the loooooooooong journey comes to an end. Are you as happy as I am? Truth be told, I did enjoy making this list and receiving feedback from you guys on the albums on my list. I found many of us have similar tastes in music. I love to talk about music. I am just unable to write about it.
But one cool thing did come from all of this: I received an email from one of the bands on the list who in turn sent me four discs of live material, demos, oddities, and rarities. Cool!
Once again, I'm using the following guidelines Norbizness set for himself:
- One album per artist.
- No greatest hits packages, compilations, or boxed sets.
- No artists that would make me look hip or cool.
- I must own the LP, CD, or cassette tape of every one of these entries. No mp3s.
10. The Beatles Abbey Road (1969)Want to know why I followed Norbizness' lead and only allowed one album per artist? Because every artist in my top ten would've had at least two albums on my list (with the except of the artist at #6, who only put out one album).
The Beatles would have probably earned at least three spots on my list. But Abbey Road is by far my favorite.
You've got Come Together, Something (one of George's most beautiful songs), Oh! Darling (the rawest Paul McCartney vocals ever), and the funny Maxwell's Silver Hammer. These four songs alone should give this album a spot on anyone's list. But the nine-song group that starts with You Never Give Me Your Money and ends with Her Majesty is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I could listen to it over and over (and I have).
Favorite track: You Never Give Me Your Money / Sun King / Mean Mr. Mustard / Polythene Pam / She Came In Through The Bathroom Window / Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight / The End / Her Majesty (yes, I count this as one song)
9. Cracker Kerosene Hat (1993)I have professed my love of David Lowery already on this list and elsewhere on this site. I just love the alt-country (or whatever the hell you want to call it (I've never been good with labels) vibe this band puts out.
Everyone knows Kerosene Hat's Low. But in my opinion, Low is one of the weaker songs on this album. You had hard rockin' numbers like Movie Star and Get Off This and ballads like Kerosene Hat, Take Me Down To The Infirmary, and I Want Everything (the ballads were the strongest part of every Cracker release). But nothing came close to the epic Euro Trash Girl, the band's Stairway, which Cracker actually had the balls to bury on the album as a hidden track (#69).
Favorite Track: Euro Trash Girl
8. Public Enemy It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (1988)This is the greatest hip hop/rap album ever by the greatest hip hop/rap group ever. End of discussion.
While everyone else was rapping about rapping and who's got the most skillz (and ultimately, the biggest prick), Chuck D. and crew were putting out music with a message. This album was a call to arms. It was revolutionary. It DEMANDED your attention. Hell, this album rocks harder than most rock albums put out today.
The beats are amazing and are accented with air sirens. But Chuck D.'s powerful baritone and political message are the real stars of the disc. Standout tracks include: Bring The Noise, She Watch Channel Zero?!, Night Of The Living Baseheads, and Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos (killer piano riff in this song).
There has never been another rap album like this.
And there never will be.
Favorite Track: Night Of The Living Baseheads
7. Pixies Doolittle (1989)An alternative classic. The first grunge group. I can't tell you anything about this album that you don't already know. That you don't already feel. I love this album. I love this band.
But I can tell you something you might not know: on August 22, the band is releasing a DVD of an acoustic performance of twenty-two of their songs (hopefully a CD will follow).
Favorite Track:
6. Sex Pistols Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols (1977)Another angry, revolutionary album (sensing a theme here?), Never Mind The Bollocks was the most important punk album ever recorded. Rather ordinary music-wise, the album and band would be nothing without Johnny Rotten's witty, sarcastic, and venomous lyrics. We could all use a little Johnny Rotten inside of us (um, that didn't come out exactly right (but you know what I mean)).
Favorite Track: God Save The Queen
5. Violent Femmes Violent Femmes (1983)I know lots of people hate Gordon Gano's voice. I happen to love it.
This album reminds me of high school. No album has ever captured the awkwardness of high school better than Violent Femmes. Topics include masturbation (Blister In The Sun), dealing with those who put you down (Kiss Off), unrequited love (Please Do Not Go and the stalkerish Prove My Love), and sex (Add It Up, Gimme The Car, and, well, most of the songs on this album).
Favorite Track: Kiss Off (was there any doubt on this one?)
4. Nirvana In Utero (1993)I know. You think Nevermind is the superior Nirvana offering. But this is my list. Dig?
Faced with sudden success, most bands would have tried to recapture the lightning-in-a-bottle and released Nevermind II. But not Kurt Cobain. He released a rawer album that often bemoaned the success the band had achieved ("Teenage angst has paid off well, now I'm bored and old."). And he howled and wailed through all of the songs, like he was in pain.
Which he was.
Every Nirvana release would've been in my Top 100. Whereas it's probably a good thing that the Sex Pistols burned out after one album, I wish Nirvana had stuck around a lot longer. But you knew it wouldn't happen. All you had to do was listen to the amazing lyrics (Dumb, All Apologies, Pennyroyal Tea, and especially Milk It).
Favorite Track: All Apologies
3. Jane's Addiction Nothing's Shocking (1988)It takes me three to four hours to write each one of these installments. You know why? Because as I'm writing, I'll pull out the discs and put them on the stereo. And then I'll start listening. And then about half and hour later, I remember I'm supposed to be writing about the music, not listening to it. And then I write a bunch of mindless nonsense.
I listened to Nothing's Shocking in its entirety before I remembered I was supposed to be writing about it.
This is an album I feel never gets the credit it deserves (right up to getting their Grammy stolen by Jethro Tull (WTF?)). This was a groundbreaking album with many different styles present. It was one of the greatest albums of the 80s. Stephen Perkins, Eric Avery, and Dave Navarro were all incredible musicians (I think Dave Navarro was seven years old when they recorded this album). And then there's the extremely unique voice of Perry Farrell.
Dig this disc out and give it another listen. It's amazing.
Favorite Track: the epic Ted, Just Admit It... (but Pig's In Zen is very close second)
2. Guns N' Roses Appetite for Destruction (1987)Everyone already knows all they want to know about this album. I'm not going to change anyone's mind. Blah blah blah.
They released this album when I was 17. I remember being blown away the very first time I head it. Axl's voice, Slash's guitar, it was all so raw. It was an amazing record. Rebellion. Excess. It became the soundtrack to my senior year in high school.
Favorite Track: Rocket Queen
***
Before I get to the number one album on my list, I'd like to thank everyone who tried to guess its identity. Since no one guessed it correctly (hell, no one even guessed the artist), I am planning on holding another contest on Monday (where there WILL be a winner (as long as someone enters)). I feel it's the least I can do for making you put up with this navel-gazing bullshit for the past six weeks (yes, it has taken me that long).
Here are the incorrect guesses I received:
Beastie Boys Paul's Boutique
The Beatles Revolver
The Beatles The White Album
Ben Folds Five Whatever and Ever Amen
Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet
Cake Fashion Nugget
The Clash London Calling
Cracker Kerosene Hat
Def Leppard Pyromania
Guns N' Roses Appetite For Destruction (many guessed this one)
Led Zeppelin Led Zeppelin IV
Michael Jackson Bad
Michael Jackson Thriller
Journey Escape
Letters To Cleo Aurora Gory Alice
Nivrana Nevermind
Pearl Jam Ten
Pink Floyd Dark Side Of The Moon
Pixies Doolittle
Prince Purple Rain
Queensryche Operation Mindcrime
Radiohead OK Computer
The Replacements Tim
Rolling Stones Exile On Main Street
Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood Fairy Tales & Fantasies
The Smiths Meat is Murder
The Smiths The Queen Is Dead
Matthew Sweet Altered Beast
Van Halen Women And Children First
Velvet Underground Loaded
Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
The Who Quadrophenia
But like I said, no one guessed my #1 album, which is...
1. Nine Inch Nails The Downward Spiral (1994)Having a bad day? Put this disc in your car's CD player, roll down the windows, and S-C-R-E-A-M.
This is such an amazing (and that's the 4,319th time I've used that word in describing albums (time to invest in a thesaurus)) album. A loose-concept album, almost every song on The Downward Spiral features layers upon layers of sounds (except the bare-bones closer, Hurt). This is the Wall of Sound. Although topics like religion and sex are featured on the album, the main themes are pain, misery, and depression.
I bought this album at midnight on the day it was released (do they still have midnight sales when B-I-G albums are released?). I think I stayed up until six in the morning listening to it.
Favorite Track: Mr. Self Destruct
So there you have it. My Top 100 Albums Of All Time. Hope you enjoyed it.
So who's ready to tackle movies with me?
Just kidding.
Previously:
25-11
40-26
55-41
70-56
85-71
100-86
Bear With Me As I Attempt To Write Something That Doesn't Involve Music
Know Thy Enemy
Pretend you're me.Ok. That probably doesn't sound very appealing to you, so pretend you're you in the following situation:
Your children are sick so you are hurrying to Target to have some prescriptions filled. You are driving through the shopping center when you come upon a group of eight people that just exited a nearby restaurant. They are standing in the middle of the road. Six of them look at you. None of them move. Do you
- Wait patiently until they decide to move.
- Honk your horn.
- Run them over. Back up and finish the job if necessary.
But wait! We're not done yet.
Seven of them move out of your way. One burly man glares at you and stands still for a few seconds. He finally moves just enough for you to drive your car past him. As you drive past, he hurls obscenities in your direction. Do you
- Ignore him.
- Smile and wave at him.
- Give him the finger.
- Speed away because the man is easily six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier than you.
Someday, someone will kill me. It's just a matter of when.
Unhealthy Competition
I have come to the conclusion that is better to have two sick children than one sick child and one healthy child. With one sick, you've got one that wants to be held constantly and the other one bouncing off the walls wanting attention. With two sick, you can all curl up on the couch and read a book or watch TV.Unless they're both whining. That's no fun.
Unfortunately, my kids have decided to have a little competition during their current bout with a virus. Zed managed to get his fever up to 104.0° whereas all Zoey could muster was a 103.2° temperature. And then he further upped the ante by developing an allergic reaction (rash) to amoxicillin.
But there's always tomorrow, girl!
All Grandmothers Are Currently On Notice
Zoey and I were playing the other day. We were making a tent in the playroom. She said, "Let's have a sleepover. And eat lots of junk. And not brush our teeth. We'll have junk in our teeth!"I have no idea where she got this from, but I have my suspicions (I'm looking at you, Grandmas). But I shouldn't worry. They're just practice teeth anyway.
More Than Just A Bit, Actually
I would like to thank Liz Copeland at Associated Content for mentioning my site in her roundup of daddy blogs. But the coolest part? She summed me up perfectly in six little words: "A bit shy, a bit off."I think that should be my new slogan.
I Almost Made It Out Of Here Without Talking About Music
If you haven't entered my contest yet, please do so. You have until 9:00 PM on Thursday evening. Details are here.
The Top 100 Albums Of All Time (25-11)
I'm using the following guidelines Norbizness set for himself:
- One album per artist.
- No greatest hits packages, compilations, or boxed sets.
- No artists that would make me look hip or cool.
- I must own the LP, CD, or cassette tape of every one of these entries. No mp3s.
Here's 25-11:
25. Poison Look What the Cat Dragged In (1986)I'm really surprised no one guessed this as my #1 record.
Laugh all you want, but this is a fun record full of songs about sex and partying. This album contained such greats as Cry Tough, I Want Action, Look What The Cat Dragged In, Let Me Go To The Show, I Won't Forget You (their first ballad), and the GREATEST HAIR BAND SONG OF ALL TIME, Talk Dirty To Me.
24. Tori Amos Under The Pink (1994)Little Earthquakes was an awesome album. But Under The Pink was a much more adventurous affair, lyrically and musically. Topics tackled included God (God), masturbation (Icicle (I can't believe I forgot about this one on my masturbation mix tape)), and homicidal fantasies (The Waitress).
But the album's nowhere near as trite as I just made it out to be. Favorite track: Past The Mission.
23. Rancid ...And Out Come the Wolves (1995)Yeah, I know they copied The Clash. But hell, hasn't every musical artist ripped off another somewhere down the line? And sometimes, the imitators are better than the real thing (yeah, I said it and meant it).
Rancid puts on an amazing live show. They also put out amazing albums. This is one of those albums that you want to blast in your car with the windows down on a hot summer day.
Favorite tracks (all of them, really): Junkie Man, Ruby Soho, Olympia WA, and As Wicked.
22. Hooters Nervous Night (1985)This is one of the greatest synthpop albums from the 80s. I was hooked on this band the moment I saw the video for And We Danced.
Damn, I miss MTV.
This album had many other great songs in addition to the aforementioned And We Danced: Day By Day, Nervous Night, Where Do The Children Go?, and my favorite, Blood From A Stone. I bought all of their albums over the years and finally got a chance to see them live in the early 90s.
Trivia: The Hooters took their name from a slang term from the melodica, which is a handheld keyboard that you blow into which produces a harmonica-like sound.
And would you like to know how to make a musical instrument store manager's day? Call up and ask, "Do you sell hooters?" They'll even put you on speakerphone so the whole damn store can laugh at you. Trust me, I know from experience.
21. Ben Folds Five Ben Folds Five (1995)This is the first of two albums in this batch that contains no guitar. But who needs guitar when you've got Ben Folds on the keys?
There are so many great songs on this album, amazing ballads and fast-paced numbers (something sorely lacking on his solo work) with bitter and cynical lyrics. Favorite tracks: Underground (the one that started it all), Philosophy, The Last Polka, and Best Imitation Of Myself (a song I totally relate to).
If your knowledge of Ben Folds begins and ends with Brick, you need to do yourself a favor and discover his other songs. You will not be disappointed.
20. Ween Chocolate And Cheese (1994)Of all the albums on my list, this one is probably the closest representation of my overall taste in music. It sounds like a mix tape made by an insane person with little regard for musical or genre flow.
But insanity's cool.
On Chocolate And Cheese, you can find the following genres: old-school country (Drifter In The Dark), soul (Freedom Of '76), sappy guitar ballads (the extremely bitter Baby Bitch), funk (Voodoo Lady), and demented circus music (The HIV Song). Throw in I Can't Put My Finger On It and the faux-Spanish ballad, Buenas Tardes Amigo (a little tale of revenge (or is it?)), and you've got yourself an amazing album (or an amazing headache, depending on your taste).
And it's got one of the coolest album covers ever!
19. Celebrity Skin Good Clean Fun (1991)THIS IS THE GREATEST HAIR BAND ALBUM EVER MADE.
I saw LA Guns in concert once. Celebrity Skin was the opening act and I was completely blown away. Imagine Poison's Look What The Cat Dragged In crossed with a Broadway musical, only without songs about sex. They even had horns on some of their songs! Favorite tracks: Introduction, Hello, Evicted, Visible Man, and Dog Race.
Sadly, this band is probably best known for threatening to re-release their album and naming it Hole after Hole released the Celebrity Skin album.
I repeat, THIS IS THE GREATEST HAIR BAND ALBUM EVER MADE.
18. Faith No More Angel Dust (1992)Those expecting The Real Thing Part II were probably disappointed with the much heavier and much weirder Angel Dust. Favorite tracks: Midlife Crisis, RV (a hilarious mumbled-word number from a disillusioned trailer park dweller), Everything's Ruined (some of the most creative lyrics you'll find), A Small Victory, and Be Aggressive, which might be the best song ever recorded. Why?
- It's about oral sex.
- It has some killer organ.
- It has cheerleaders singing the chorus.
- It's about oral sex.
17. They Might Be Giants They Might Be Giants (1986)I know most would pick either Flood or Lincoln as their favorite They Might Be Giants album, but the self-titled debut will always hold a special place in my heart. This album was less polished than the other two and, in my opinion, much funnier and stranger. Do not underestimate the power of the accordion!
I still remember the day I saw the video for Don't Let's Start on MTV. I had never seen or heard anything like it and was instantly hooked.
And you don't need to buy their children's CDs. Play this CD for your kids!
16. Prince Purple Rain (1984)You own it. You love it. What am I going to add? There's a reason this album sold forty-two trillion copies: it rocks!
Favorite tracks: The Beautiful Ones and the one-two punch of I Would Die 4 U and Baby I'm A Star (really, I could list all of them except Computer Blue).
15. Atom And His Package Atom And His Package (1997)Punk rock with no guitars! This is another purchase I made after hearing it over a record store's speaker system.
Atom And His Package is just one man and his sequencer. It's also a band that you either love or hate; there is no in-between. This album has its fair share of covers (The Misfits' Where Eagles Dare, AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long, and Geto Boys' Mind's Playin' Tricks On Me (go ahead, try to imagine all-synth versions of these songs)) and instrumentals (with titles like After School Special Stands For ASS and Tim Allen Is Not Very Funny), but his originals are what really stand out.
Favorite tracks: Avenger (a song about taking a huge crane and dumping all the people that aggravate him on an island (if I had such a crane, it would need to be a really B-I-G island)), Head (She's Just A) (a song about a girl that has no body), Books My Dog, The Box, Brian Sokel, & Me, and his theme song.
She's In The Bathroom & She's Shaking Me Until Tomorrow was one of the hidden tracks on my wedding CD. If you would like to hear some of Atom's music, visit his site (I suggest I'm Downright Amazed At What I Can Destroy With Just A Hammer and If You Own The Washington Redskins, You're A Cock).
14. R.E.M. Document (1987)This is the album where Michael Stipe learned to E-N-U-N-C-I-A-T-E.
I had bought Life's Rich Pageant when I was sixteen and thought it was pretty decent but it was nothing compared to Document. Favorite tracks: Finest Worskong, Exhuming McCarthy, King Of Birds, and It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine).
It's a shame the band broke up soon after this album's release and never recorded another album. I would have liked to have seen them continue in this direction.
13. Concrete Blonde Bloodletting (1990)Johnette Napolitano has one of the most powerful voices in rock 'n' roll. Most of the ballads on this album have a creepy, almost otherworldly feel to them. Favorite tracks: The Sky Is A Poisonous Garden, Days And Days, The Beast, and Tomorrow, Wendy, which is one of my favorite songs ever. The weakest song on this album is also the band's most popular, Joey.
12. Too Much Joy Cereal Killers (1991)Maybe it was just me, but I could wholly relate to any album that began, "So she said, 'Fuck this town. Nothing's ever going' down.'" This is an incredible album and it's a shame so few people are aware of its existence.
The music was catchy and the lyrics were bitter but funny. Favorite tracks: Susquehanna Hat Company, Good Kill, William Holden Caufield, King of Beers, and Theme Song.
When I was a DJ, there was a copy of Besides (a promotional album by the band that contained the unreleased Drum Machine) in our stacks. I ended up playing it so frequently that the station manager put a big sticker on the front of it that read "EVERYONE BUT CHAG IS FREE TO PLAY THIS ALBUM." Now that I look back on it, I think that bastard hated me.
If you are a fan of the band, we can be best friends for life. Seriously.
11. Pink Floyd The Wall (1979)This album was the soundtrack during my teen years. Alienation? Check. Building walls? Check.
Previously:
40-26
55-41
70-56
85-71
100-86
The Top 100 Albums Of All Time (40-26)
I'm finally nearing the end of this baby! Only 25 to go after this one. Woo-hoo!
Who's happier, me or you?
As always, I'm using the following guidelines Norbizness set for himself:
- One album per artist.
- No greatest hits packages, compilations, or boxed sets.
- No artists that would make me look hip or cool.
- I must own the LP, CD, or cassette tape of every one of these entries. No mp3s.
Here's 40-26:
40. AC/DC Back In Black (1980)This. Album. Kicks. Major. Ass.
You've got great songs like Hells Bells, Have A Drink On Me, Rock And Roll Ain't Noise Pollution, and the anthems Back In Black and You Shook Me All Night Long. You've got Angus Young's guitar (and his schoolboy uniform). You've got Brian Johnson's nails-on-a-chalkboard voice (seriously, shouldn't that man have permanent laryngitis by now?). There's no wonder you can't go an hour without hearing one of these tunes on your local classic rock station.
39. The White Stripes Elephant (2003)I had never heard of the White Stripes until I saw the Legotastic video for Fell In Love With A Girl. I immediately went out and
A year or so later, I heard Seven Nation Army. I was instantly a fan. I played this CD so much that Ella hid it from me. Favorite track: There's No Home For You Here.
38. The Rolling Stones Beggars Banquet (1968)Want to know where I stand on the Stones v. Beatles debate? I am a Beatles guy. While I like a greater number of Stones songs than I do Beatles songs, I enjoy the Beatles songs more. Quality beats quantity every time.
I know most pick Exile On Main Street as their favorite Stones disc, but I prefer Beggars Banquet. It boasts one of the greatest songs in the history of rock 'n' roll, Sympathy For The Devil (which Guns N' Roses massacred on the Interview With The Vampire soundtrack), as well as Street Fighting Man and Salt Of The Earth (love the vocals on this track).
37. Hole Live Through This (1994)I realize my top 100 has very few female artists on it. Does that make me a musical sexist? Probably.
Courtney Love is a train wreck, but the girl can
Favorite tracks: Violet (Go on take everything, take everything, I want you to -- did I mention this girl can SCREAM?), Miss World, Doll Parts, Credit In The Straight World, and Olympia (or Rock Star).
36. The Cure Disintegration (1989)Dark. Gloomy. No one mopes like Robert Smith. Not only was Disintegration the Cure's best album, it was also their darkest and had a much fuller sound than their early works. I find it amazing that this is the album that followed the poppy Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me. Favorite tracks: Plainsong, Pictures Of You (which never should've been used in that commercial), and Fascination Street.
35. Beck Odelay (1996)I love Beck. When I first heard Loser, I immediately went out and snatched up Mellow Gold, Stereopathetic Soulmanure, and One Foot In The Grave. Beck amused me with his folksy, distortion-laden raps. And then the extremely genre-bending/blending Odelay came out and blew everything else out of the water. Favorite tracks: Devil's Haircut and Hotwax.
34. Van Halen Van Halen (1978)Why the hell doesn't David Lee Roth have his own Vegas show? If people will go see "talent" like Celine Dion, don't you think they would pack the house nightly to see Diamond Dave perform (Hard Rock, I'm looking at you)? Or is it just me?
This album not only introduced the world to Roth but to the guitar skillz of Eddie Van Halen (listen to Eruption if you have any doubts). Favorite tracks: Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love, Janie's Cryin', and Ice Cream Man (which is a must for his Vegas show).
33. U2 Achtung Baby (1991)This is the album where Bono told the world, "I AM A ROCK STAR!" Not as preachy as their earlier efforts, Achtung Baby showcased a totally different U2 (dance music!). Favorite tracks: One (some of the best lyrics ever) and Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses.
32. Beastie Boys Licensed To Ill (1986)If you grew up during the 80s and don't know every single lyric of this CD by heart, I hope you rebelled against your Preacher Papa when you went away to college. I misspoke earlier when I said Raising Hell was the CD that brought rap music to Middle America. Licensed To Ill holds that title.
31. Green Day Dookie (1994)Green Day did not break any new ground with their pop-nosed punk Dookie, but they did with a sense of humor. And even though I enjoy a lot of dark, depressing music, I also like music with a good deal of humor. This CD had it in spades, from the masturbation ode Longview to the help-I'm-locked-in-the-basement-of-a-psycho Pulling Teeth (my favorite song). I know it's cool to hate Green Day, but they're still putting out great music ten years later (American Idiot).
30. Weezer Pinkerton (1996)Rivers Cuomo is a music nerd. I read somewhere that he has written hundreds of songs and organizes them in an Excel spreadsheet. A man after my own heart.
I know a lot of people hate this album, as it was a dramatic departure from their debut album. But with tracks like The Good Life, El Scorcho, and Tired Of Sex, I thought this album buried the first one.
I still buy every Weezer CD that hits the shelves (I can't say that for many artists, including the artist responsible for my #1 album (big hint, guys -- my #1 artist is still making music)).
And why wasn't Pink Triangle the theme song for Chasing Amy? Was it just too obvious?
29. Faster Pussycat Faster Pussycat (1987)You didn't think I'd go through a block of fifteen without mentioning at least one hair band, did you? This is another one of those hair bands that didn't receive the exposure they deserved. This is sleazy rock 'n' roll at its finest. The songs were about sex (Bathroom Wall), sex (Don't Change That Song), and sex (Cathouse). I love every song on this album except Babylon, their failed attempt at rap. Let's pretend that never happened, shall we?
28. Ramones Rocket to Russia (1977)If I allowed greatest hits, the Ramones would be much higher on my list. But truth be told, this is almost a greatest hits album (Sheena Is A Punk Rocker, We're A Happy Family, Teenage Lobotomy, Cretin Hop, and my all-time favorite Ramones song, Rockaway Beach, can all be found on this album).
Yeah, the Ramones' lyrics and music were the equivalent of a big dumb jock. But they were also fun as hell.
Unlike the jock.
27. Camper Van Beethoven Telephone Free Landslide Victory (1985)I'll be honest. I had never heard of Camper Van Beethoven until I saw the video for Eye Of Fatima. It was then that I became a lifelong fan of David Lowery.
I have seen him play live countless times. With Camper Van Beethoven. With Cracker. Acoustic. You name it.
This is Camper Van Beethoven's debut disc and contains such classics as The Day That Lassie Went To The Moon, Ambiguity Song, and Take The Skinheads Bowling (which was featured in Michael Moore's documentary Bowling For Columbine (because how many songs about bowling are there?)).
26. The Dead Milkmen Beelzebubba (1988)Like I said before, I like music with a sense of humor. Favorite tracks: Life Is Shit (which actually becomes quite sweet near the end), The Guitar Song, and my favorite, Stuart (trailer parks + carnivals + conspiracy theories + burrow owls = pure genius).
Previously:
55-41
70-56
85-71
100-86
The Top 100 Albums Of All Time (55-41)
I'm using the following guidelines Norbizness set for himself:
- One album per artist.
- No greatest hits packages, compilations, or boxed sets.
- No artists that would make me look hip or cool.
- I must own the LP, CD, or cassette tape of every one of these entries. No mp3s.
Has anyone noticed that I spend more time talking about myself in these lists than I do the actual music? I'm narcissistic. I suck.
Here's 55-41:
55. Various Artists The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)For those of you have been following my list up to now, you'll notice that I hold Rocky Horror in higher esteem than Led Zeppelin IV, London Calling, and The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars. That probably tells you all you need to know about my taste in music.
I realize there are two camps when it comes to Rocky Horror: those who H-A-T-E it and those who absolutely adore it. I can't see how anyone cannot love tracks like Rose Tint My World, The Time Warp, and my personal fave, Sweet Transvestite. Yeah, it's cheesy as hell, but it's so much fun. The lyrics kick major ass and the music jumps back and forth seamlessly between genres.
I have long desired to play the role of Dr. Frank-N-Furter on stage. Not only is it a great role but I'd get to wear a corset for most of the time I'd be on stage.
Ella says that's the only reason I got into music in the first place: the opportunity to wear dresses in public without too many repercussions (Yes, I was AlternaPoseur Boy who wore dresses when I performed live. Loooo-zer.).
54. Snatches of Pink Dead Men (1989)Snatches of Pink hailed from Chapel Hill, NC. But everyone in Chapel Hill hated them. At the time, the Chapel Hill hipsters wanted alternative music. SOP played in-your-face rock 'n' roll, more akin to the Rolling Stones than college radio.
But damn, they were badasses. And I pity those who didn't get a chance to see them in their prime. My favorite tracks are Bed Of Nails, Midway, and Witch Dance.
When I was a college DJ, they had a copy of Deader Than You'll Ever Be, a live EP that Snatches of Pink recorded at CBGB. I tried to play their cover of Neil Young's Rockin' In The Free World every chance I got.
BTW, if anyone has access to their debut CD, Send In The Clowns, and would like to sell it to me or burn it for me, I'd be your best friend forever. I have a warped cassette version, but it's almost unlistenable.
53. The Moldy Peaches The Moldy Peaches (2001)This album is as lo-fi as you can get. At times, it sounded like it was recorded in someone's living room (which I truly believe it was; at one point, you can hear a phone ring and the girl giggles while she's singing the rest of the song). The lyrics were immature and neither one of them could sing. But those aren't necessarily bad things in my book. Favorite song: Who's Got The Crack.
52. Liz Phair Whip-Smart (1994)And while we're on the subject of singers who can't actually sing...
Nothing on this disc approached the greatness of Exile In Guyville's Fuck And Run. But since this is a countdown of albums and not singles, I have to give the nod to Whip-Smart. This album was just catchier and more fun. Favorite tracks: Dogs Of LA and the radio staples Whip-Smart and Supernova.
I tried to stay with you, Liz. I bought whitechocolatespaceegg and loved about half of the disc. But then I bought Liz Phair. You lost me on that one, trying to sound like Avril Lavigne. It reminded me of soccer moms that dress like their teenaged daughters. 2005's Somebody's Miracle could have been the best music you ever recorded. But I'll never know.
51. Queen A Night at the Opera (1975)Bohemian Rhapsody. You're My Best Friend. Death On Two Legs. The Prophet's Song. What else can I say? Freddy Mercury was a god.
50. Pulp Different Class (1995)Jarvis Cocker has one of the sexiest voices in rock 'n' roll. He is also an amazing lyricist. While the album boasts many great songs such as I Spy, Disco 2000, and Sorted For E's & Wizz, the two that stand out the most for me are Mis-Shapes and Common People (which is one of the coolest songs ever). Mis-Shapes should be an anthem for every alienated, misfit teenager everywhere (despite the fact this song came out when I was 25, I could still relate).
49. Run DMC Raising Hell (1986)This is the album that brought rap music to Middle America, thanks to the Aerosmith cover Walk This Way. But this album was so much more than the aforementioned single nestled in filler. It also included My Adidas, Peter Piper, Raising Hell, You Be Illin', Dumb Girl, and It's Tricky, my personal favorite. While most of this album sounds old school as hell and doesn't really hold up musically in comparison to rap that's put out today (or even rap that was put out five years after its release), it's a classic that deserves to be mentioned in the Top 5 Rap Albums Of All Time.
48. Adam and the Ants Kings of the Wild Frontier (1980)Sadly, when most people think of Adam and the Ants, they think of Goody Two Shoes or Strip. But their earlier stuff was so much better. The tribal drumbeats on this disc were simply amazing (they had two drummers at this point in their career) and were often coupled with guitar riffs that sounded like they were lifted from a Clint Eastwood western. Standout tracks include: Dog Eat Dog, the title track, Los Rancheros, Jolly Roger, and Antmusic.
47. Aerosmith Toys In The Attic (1975)Is there any stranger story than Aerosmith's? They were huge in the 70s, then dropped off the map due to various "problems," and then came back in the late 80s, more popular than ever even though the music was inferior (they owe their popularity to the mastery of the power ballad). Toys In The Attic contains such classic rock staples as Walk This Way, Big Ten Inch Record, and Sweet Emotion.
Steven Tyler is the master of the sexual innuendo. No one else comes close.
46. Mr. Bungle Mr. Bungle (1991)While Jarvis Cocker might have rock's sexiest voice, Mike Patton has its most powerful voice. I like to think that this album sounds like what goes on inside your head if you're truly insane. Musically, it sounds like a freak show. Lyrically, you have songs about sex with food (Squeeze Me Macaroni), pornography (The Girls Of Porn), and a departed pet (Stubb (A Dub)).
This album is very demented and I highly recommend it. Favorite track: Carousel.
45. Junkyard Junkyard (1989)Junkyard was a bluesy, southern rock band (kind of like a heavier version of the Black Crowes (in fact, when I saw Junkyard live, the Black Crowes were the opening act), the kind you'd expect to see playing at Patrick Swayze's Roadhouse. This album contained such great cuts as Hollywood, Simple Man (not a Skynyrd cover), and Hands Off, probably the funniest ballad of all time. This band deserved to be much more popular than what they were.
44. Billy Bragg Workers Playtime (1988)One day, I walked into a used record store. Rotting On Remand was playing over the speakers. I had never heard of Billy Bragg but instantly fell in love with his voice. I snatched up the CD immediately. Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards was one of the hidden tracks on my wedding CD.
43. The Who Who's Next (1971)Another classic album that everyone owns. So rather than bore you with stuff you already know, allow me to go off on a tangent that has nothing whatsoever to do with The Who.
You might think that working at a college radio station would give you the freedom to play anything you wanted. You'd be wrong. Every week, the station manager would leaf through the massive stacks of albums, select a bunch of them, and color-code them. Every hour, you had to play a certain number of "red" albums (the heavy-rotation stuff), "blue" albums (the medium-rotation stuff), and "yellow" albums (the classics; the low-rotation stuff).
I did a weekday shift with one of my friends (I also had a weekend shift where I was free of the chains of the color-coded albums). We were leafing through the pile of new albums on the station manager's desk picked out an album and held it high into the air.
Friend: Dude! Baby Got Back! (The song was just beginning to get play on the radio)
Me: Cool!
Friend: We can't play this.
Me: I know... But we've got to play this.
Friend: I know.
Me: If the station manager finds out, he's going to be pissed.
Friend: I know... But we've got to play this.
So, giggling like schoolgirls, we headed back to the booth and loaded the album. Sir Mix-A-Lot had just gotten through admitting that he liked large derrieres and could not speak untruths when the red light started flashing, alerting us that we had a phone call.
Me: Damn it!
Friend: What the hell is he doing listening to our show?
Me: At least someone's listening.
Of course, it was the station manger, screaming at us for playing the song. Oh well.
42. Soul Asylum Grave Dancers Union (1992)This is their breakthrough album, their sell-out album, the one that got them heavy play on MTV and Top 40 radio, and it was also their best. It was also the one that got frontman Dave Pirner dates with Winona Ryder (tasty!). Favorite tracks: Somebody To Shove, April Fool, 99%, and Without A Trace.
41. Cyndi Lauper She's So Unusual (1983)People were so concerned about Ms. Lauper's appearance (Look, she's got orange hair! Look, she wears thrift-shop clothes! She's kooky!) that her music often got lost in the shuffle. Which is a shame, because the girl had pipes. There were so many amazing songs on this album: Time After Time, Prince's When You Were Mine, All Through The Night, and my favorite, Money Changes Everything.
And then she started mess