The Top 100 Albums Of All Time (70-56)

In case you missed it the first time, I'm using the following guidelines Norbizness set for himself:

• One album per artist.
• No greatest hits packages, compilations, or boxed sets.
• No artists that would make me look hip or cool.
• I must own the LP, CD, or cassette tape of every one of these entries. No mp3s.
  

And just to make this interesting, I'll give the first person that correctly guesses my favorite album (before it's posted, of course) a $25 Amazon gift certificate. One entry per person, please.

This section of my list is heavy on the hair bands, so if that's not your scene, you might want to go somewhere else.

Here's 70-56:

70. Quiet Riot Metal Health (1983)
Metal Health was the album that put hair bands on the map. Quite Riot was also the first concert I ever attended. This album is cheesy hair music at its finest and contains classics like Cum On Feel The Noize (a Slade cover), Metal Health, Slick Black Cadillac, and the power ballad, Thunderbird.

They tried to repeat their success with their follow-up album, Conditional Critical. They even went as far as to cover another Slade song, Mama Weer All Crazee Now. But Conditional Critical sucked. And my love affair with the band ended.

69. Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet (1986)
You knew this one was coming, didn't you? If Metal Health was the album that put hair bands on the map, Slippery When Wet was the one that put hair bands into the tape decks of Middle America. There are so many great songs on this album: You Give Love A Bad Name, Raise Your Hands, Livin' On A Prayer, and my personal favorite, Wanted Dead Or Alive. What was the fascination with hair bands and cowboys?

The longevity of Bon Jovi simply fascinates me. Hair bands have been extinct for well over a decade, yet you can still hear new Bon Jovi songs on the radio. I think Jon must've sold his soul to the Devil or something.

Never Say Goodbye was the theme song for my prom. And people wonder why I didn't go.

68. The Pogues Hell's Ditch (1990)
Have you ever seen the movie Little Voice? In that flick, LV, the character played by Jane Horrocks, can mimic the voices of many female stars of yesteryear, like Shirely Bassey and Judy Garland. In my younger days, I had the same ability. I could sound just like Dave Pirner, Gordon Gano, Axl Rose (except the really, really, really high-register stuff), and pretty much anyone else if you gave me a week or so to practice. I could've been the greatest cover band singer the world has ever known! Damn my shyness!

Why am I telling you this? Because like Shane MacGowan, my pre-marriage years of heavy drinking, smoking, and hanging out in bars has left my voice shot. But I can do a mean Shane MacGowan.

I know if I was cooler I would have picked If I Should Fall from Grace With God or Rum, Sodomy & The Lash. But I'm far from cool. Plus, The Sunnyside Of The Street is probably one my top 10 songs ever.

67. Meat Loaf Bat Out Of Hell (1977)
This album sounds like a cheesy Broadway musical (which it should, since it was written by Jim Steinman, a composer and lyricist). Paradise By The Dashboard Light is one of the greatest songs about teenage sex ever written.

66. Kiss Destroyer (1976)
This is the first album I ever bought. As a young lad, I was nursed on country music and AM radio. One day, I was at the local drug store and this album was calling to me from the racks. I didn't know who they were or what they sounded like. I only knew I had to have it. I begged my mother to buy it for me. She looked at the cover and was skeptical, but I was relentless so she finally caved.

I went home and put it on my record player. And my life was forever changed.

This album had Detroit Rock City (the best song they ever recorded), Shout It Out Loud, King Of The Night Time World, and Beth. Christ, Destroyer could've been the first of 14,338 greatest hits albums Kiss put out over the years.

65. Eazy-E Eazy-Duz-It (1988)
This album came out at the exact same time as N.W.A.'s Straight Outta Compton. This album was straight-up gangsta like Compton, but it also had a great sense of humor. Favorite tracks: Nobody Move, No More ?s, Radio, and Boyz-N-The-Hood (which was bastardized in 2000 by dynamite hack (at least they got the hack part right)).

64. David Bowie The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars (1972)
If I allowed greatest hits discs, Bowie would be much, much higher on my chart. My favorite Bowie song is Young Americans, but Ziggy Stardust is my favorite album.

63. Coyote Shivers Coyote Shivers (1996)
To the wrong set of ears, this album might sound moronic, as if a thirteen-year-old boy wrote it. But to my ears, it is thirty-five minutes of pure fun. The lyrics are very sexual (Bisexual Girl) and immature (Happiness Is A Warm Bong), but damn it rocks. This is perfect roll-down-your-windows-and-scream-your-lungs-out music, kind of like a modern-day Ramones (both lyrically and in attitude).

Sadly, he's probably best known for his appearance in Empire Records (he sings Sugarhigh in the movie).

Bonus fun fact: The entire CD appears again as a hidden track a few seconds after the final track.

62. Everclear Sparkle And Fade (1995)
This album kicks major ass. There are so many great songs: Heroin Girl, Santa Monica, You Make Me Feel Like A Whore, Summerland, Heartspark Dollarsign, and My Sexual Life.

Unfortunately, Art Alexakis lost sight of his Heartspark and concentrated solely on the Dollarsign as he rerecorded the same damn song forty-seven times. Seriously, has there ever been another band where so many of their songs can be easily confused for one another?

61. L.A. Guns Cocked & Loaded (1989)
L.A. Guns never got the attention I feel they deserved. The Ballad of Jayne got a decent amount of play (as it should have; it is one of the best power ballads ever!), but that's about it. But there is no reason why I Wanna Be Your Man and Never Enough shouldn't have been hits as well.

When I first read The Vampire Lestat, I pictured Phil Lewis as the title character. Just thought I'd share that.

60. Motley Crue Dr. Feelgood (1989)
Go ahead and laugh, but pound for pound, I feel Dr. Feelgood was Motley Crue's finest achievement. While most of the album was nowhere near as heavy as their earlier stuff, it still rocked. Standout tracks include Dr. Feelgood, Kickstart My Heart, She Goes Down (because who doesn't love songs about fellatio?), and Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) (my personal favorite).

59. Social Distortion Social Distortion (1990)
Mike Ness has one of rock 'n' roll's coolest voices. This is the album that contains Story Of My Life, Let It Be Me, and Ball And Chain (one of the greatest country songs ever written (and why has no country artist covered this song?))..

It takes major balls to cover Johnny Cash, but not only did Social D cover Ring Of Fire, they did it better.

58. The Clash London Calling (1979)
What can I say that every rock critic before me hasn't already said about London Calling? Nothing. It's one of punk's finest accomplishments.

But you already own it. You know how awesome it is.

57. Led Zeppelin Led Zeppelin IV (1971)
When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I played piano in several weddings. I played my first wedding when I was seventeen. I was paid with a fifth of Jack Daniels, which, to an underage slacker, was the equivalent of a hundred dollar bill.

One wedding took place in the bride and groom's trailer. They requested I play Van Halen's I'll Wait and Led Zeppelin's All My Love while the ushers were seating the guests (yes, they had ushers in the trailer (and believe it or not, this isn't even my strangest wedding story)). Although I thought these were two odd choices, I performed both songs. Give the people what they want, you know?

What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. But I figured you already knew all about Led Zeppelin IV, so I'd tell you a Zeppelin-related story.

56. Jellyfish Bellybutton (1990)
This is irresistibly catchy pop music, music that gets your toes tapping and makes you feel good about everything around you. When I think of what passes for "pop music" on the radio while stuff like this is largely ignored, it makes me wonder if radio station programmers are deaf, hate good music, are on the take, or a mixture of all three.

Favorite track: The King Is Half-Undressed.

Previously:
85-71
100-86

Stuff Only I Care About XVIII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The Yankees went 4-2 this week, bringing their overall record to 60-41, and are now a game and a half behind Boston in the AL East.

In all six games this past week, the Yankees scored at least five runs.

In both losses, the Yankees gave up at least thirteen runs (a 13-5 loss to the Rangers and a 19-6 loss to the Devil Rays).

In their last four games (all victories), the Yankees have outscored their opponents 27-8.

In Friday night's 6-0 victory against the Devil Rays, Chien-Ming Wang pitched a two-hit shutout. It was the second complete game of his career.

In his past three games, Derek Jeter has gone 8-14 (.571) with 4 RBI and one homer.

Heading into the All Star break, the Yankees were 50-36, three games behind Boston in the AL East and six games behind the White Sox in the Wild Card race. Since then, the Yankees have gone 10-5 and now trail Boston by a game and a half in the AL East and the White Sox by half a game in the Wild Card race.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Emily admits she's an atheist.
• Freezio shares Germanic parenting tips.
• Lindsay fantasizes about having a gay son.
• RockStar Mommy discovers her twin.
• Sarah is counting down her 100 favorite albums of all time (I know a lot of us are doing this, but Sarah's taste in music is so similar to mine (except for the reggae), it's almost scary. I'm beginning to think she's my long-lost sister or something.).
• Tony gives his daughter her first art lesson.

Stand And Deliver

I've been so busy this week babbling about thunderstorms, routers (still need help on this one; if you can answer my question, drop me a line), and whether a guy should tell a girl she's pretty if she posts a picture on her site (despite the fact that there's plenty of girl-on-girl action), I forgot to tell you about a very important milestone we reached this weekend.

After eighteen months of worrying, hoping, frustration, and wondering if I would be carrying him around for the rest of his life, Zed finally said to himself, "You know, that walking by yourself thing looks pretty cool. Perhaps I should try it."

That's right folks, we have a new biped in the Cynical Dad household. He's still moving very s--l--o--w--l--y and falling quite frequently, but he's getting better with each passing day.

Nice job, little guy. Now let's do something about that talking thing, okay? Because while I love hearing you say "Dadadada" all the time, it would be nice to hear something else for a change.

A Question About Blogging Etiquette

It seems that most of the mom bloggers I read are attending BlogHer this weekend. And in preparation for this event, some have posted pictures of themselves so people will know them when they see them at BlogHer. And I've noticed that when they post these pics, most of their comments read, You're so cute or You are beautiful.

But all of these comments are from other women.

My question is: what do you want to hear from your male readers? Do you want them to say you're attractive (if they feel that way) or is that just too creepy? Should guys just keep their mouths shut?

Just curious.

And if I ever get stupid drunk brave enough to post a photo of myself, both sexes are free to tell me how smokin' hot I am. Or if I need to put a bag over my head.

Tuesday Misc.

CONGRATULATIONS

One of my favorite mommybloggers, the talented Kristen Chase of Motherhood Uncensored, The Mom Trap, Cool Mom Picks, and about forty-seven other blogs, is pregnant! Go by and congratulate her if you haven't done so already.

Brian of Rebel Dad and his wife have a new addition to their family: RebelPreemie. Brian will soon begin contributing a weekly column to The Washington Post blog. He should offer a different (and much needed) viewpoint to The Post's Leslie Morgan Steiner. Congratulations on everything, Brian.

Partners In Parenting

Two more of my favorite mommybloggers, MIM Motherapist Laura S. of Morphing Into Mama and Mary P. of It's Not All Mary Poppins have joined forces to create Partners In Parenting, an "an on-line community focusing on parenting issues." PIP will even answer your parenting questions. So check it out.

HELP WANTED

I'm looking to purchase a wireless-N router. I have two PCs which will be in the same room as the router. My question to you is: are there any wireless-N routers on the market with USB and Ethernet outputs? I haven't been able to find one with USB yet (one of my PCs has no Ethernet port but it does have several USB ports). Any help is greatly appreciated.

I HATE MY WIFE

Ok. I don't really hate her. I'm just extremely jealous of her.

About once a month, Ella goes out of town for business. I'm to the point where I can easily handle the kids all day and all night for several days, so that part doesn't bother me. Every once in a while, though, I do get jealous of her destinations (especially during her four-times-yearly trips to NYC).

But this time I'm really jealous.

Bitch is in Vegas.

So unfair.

Update: Ella called me today to tell me she "ran into" Kathy Ireland. Talk about pouring salt on my wounds.

Lights Out (Where Our Hero Proves Once Again His Family Would Be Better Off If He Was In A Padded Room Somewhere Far Away)

On Saturday night, we were performing our pre-bedtime routine at the Cynical Dad household. We were enjoying quiet time: Zoey and Ella were coloring while Zed and I played with blocks. It had been storming for quite some time. Ella looked outside and immediately turned into Chicken Little. "Oh my God," she screamed. "It looks awful out there! Turn on the Weather Channel! I think a tornado's coming!"

I looked outside and things did look bad. Hail. Sideways rain. Lots of lightning. The darkest clouds I had ever seen. I ran into the other room to turn on the television. Just as I got about two feet away from the television, BOOM! No more power.

Ella went into full-blown survival mode. She gathered the kids and ran into the hallway. I called my Mom to learn what the television meteorologists were saying about the storm. "Severe thunderstorm warning. Damaging winds, hail, and lightning." But no tornado.

Since we were not in any immediate danger, I started searching for emergency supplies. I managed to scrounge up two candles and a lighter. Ella took one candle and rocked Zed to sleep while I read Zoey bedtime stories by candlelight.

You know the chestnut about Abraham Lincoln reading by candlelight as a kid? Total bullshit. Cannot be done.

After we put the kids to bed, Ella was not feeling well so she went to bed as well. I started looking for a flashlight. I managed to make it downstairs to the pantry where I found our only flashlight. It didn't work. I opened the flashlight to remove the batteries and felt the cool, refreshing battery acid cover my hand.

While I was washing the battery acid off my hand, I heard a beep. I assumed since we lost power, our security system was malfunctioning. I went to investigate, but that wasn't the problem. I fumbled through the house, trying to locate the source of the annoying beep. I discovered it was coming from the carbon monoxide detector in Zed's room.

I am usually a fairly rational and sane person. But there is a side to my psyche that is insane and irrational and full of negative thoughts. When this side rears its ugly head, it is so powerful that it overwhelms my logical side.

Zed has a carbon monoxide detector that plugs into the wall. It has a battery inside that serves as a backup in case the power goes out. I knew the battery inside the detector was dead and the unit was alerting me to this fact. But my irrational side said, "No. Your house is filling up with carbon monoxide from those two candles. You'll all be dead by dawn."

So I searched the house for any source of light. I found Zoey's working Elmo flashlight, blew out the candles, and headed back to Zed's bedroom. I remembered that miners would take canaries into the shaft with them to warn them of carbon monoxide, so I deduced Zed would be the first affected from the deadly carbon monoxide rapidly filling our house from two tiny candles.

So I lied on the floor next to Zed's crib for the rest of the evening, entertaining myself with Sudoku puzzles and by making shadow puppets on the wall by the light of Zoey's Elmo flashlight. But since this flashlight was made for kids, it would begin to dim after fifteen seconds before finally going dark after forty-five seconds. So I had to constantly press the button to keep the flashlight working.

I think I finally passed out from a mixture of fear and stress at 2:00 AM.

***

This post was entered in December's Blogging For Books competition.

When You Have Nothing To Write About, Turn To Memes

The kids haven't done anything funny or interesting lately. Truth be told, it's been too damn hot for any of us to do anything funny or interesting. I've been busy trying to grow gills so I can live underwater.

So I've decided to do the following meme, which Mary P. and KittenPie have also done (check out their lists as well). If you decide to do the meme, leave me a comment so I can check it out.

You're supposed to take the following 150-item list and bold the items you've accomplished. I've done 66 of the 150 things, which means I've had 44% of a life. Or I've lived 44% of my life. Or I have no life. Something like that.

LIFE EXPERIENCES MEME

Bold the ones you've done (my comments are in italics).

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink Way too cheap for that kind of nonsense.
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid Only if the Hard Rock Cafe in Myrtle Beach counts. That's a pretty great pyramid.
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it Daily.
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise I'm an insomniac. I've done this way too many times.
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne I've gotten drunk off plenty of other things, but never champagne.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment At my wedding during picture time. One of my groomsmen made fun of another one of my groomsmen and none of us could keep a straight face after that.
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can Daily. I have kids, remember?
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse I think I did this in middle school or something. All I remember is all the teachers yelling, "DON'T LOOK AT THE SUN! DON'T LOOK AT THE SUN!"
34. Ridden a roller coaster Any chance I get.
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking Daily.
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states Not even close.
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced And had the same done for me.
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds Is there any other way?
57. Pretended to be a superhero I have kids. I get to pretend to be different things all the time. Today alone I was a kitten, a baby, a skunk, a monster, and a tree.
58. Sung karaoke Ella and I met at a karaoke barr I need to invent a better story to tell the kids once they start asking questions about that.
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie I ran sound for a little documentary, but that's as close as I've come. I've been in a commercial, though.
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced For some unknown reason, Ella hasn't left me yet.
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest Actually, it was a costume/karaoke contest. I dressed as a prostitute and sand Like A Virgin.
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo H-E-L-L N-O!!!
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" Yeah, right.
83. Got flowers for no reason Need I remind you of my stance on flowers?
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently I have enough trouble with English.
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking Daily. I've even been photographed by strangers doing this.
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart Doubt it. They were probably glad to be rid of me.
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced Once again, H-E-L-L N-O!!!
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet I've had a monitor, but never a snake.
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about You think people listen to me?
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating Just fish.
137. Skipped all your school reunions I've skipped my five-and ten-year reunions so far. And I have no plans on going to my twentieth, either. Screw those bastards.
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream Am I living my dream? No, because never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd be a stay-at-home dad. Do I love what I do? You betcha.
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts I've put different parts in my PC, but never built one from scratch.
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair Every color of the rainbow.
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head Last August. Haven't cut it since.
149: Caused a car accident I had a "string of bad luck" where I totaled three cars in two weeks.
150: Saved someone's life

If anyone would like to see me expound on any of these items, shoot me an email and I'll try to answer them in a future entry.

The Top 100 Albums Of All Time (85-71)

In case you missed it the first time, I'm using the following guidelines Norbizness set for himself:

• One album per artist.
• No greatest hits packages, compilations, or boxed sets.
• No artists that would make me look hip or cool.
• I must own the LP, CD, or cassette tape of every one of these entries. No mp3s.
  

And just to make this interesting, I'll give the first person that correctly guesses my favorite album (before it's posted, of course) a $25 Amazon gift certificate. One entry per person, please.

Here are albums 85-71 (the set I'll probably receive the most ridicule about):

85. Pianosaurus Groovy Neighborhood (1987)
I had never heard of these guys until I saw them perform on The Arsenio Hall Show. They were bluesy and folksy, and I instantly fell in love with them.

And all their musical instruments were toys! They had a little toy guitar, a little toy keyboard, and a Fraggle Rock toy drum set. They sang songs about thrift stores, Josie And The Pussycats, and falafels. How could you not fall in love with that?

Actually, all my friends hated this band. But then again, all my friends in high school were ignorant rednecks (like me, only I was slightly less ignorant). If you have never heard of this band, I encourage you to check them out. If nothing else, your little ones should love it!

84. Duran Duran Rio (1982)
It was soooo uncool to be a male Duran Duran fan in middle school. But I know damn well I wasn't the only one wearing a Van Halen t-shirt to school and then rushing home to sing, "Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand."

And can anyone tell me what "I smell like I sound" means? Is that supposed to be sexy? Ladies?

83. Boogie Down Productions By All Means Necessary (1988)
On this album, KRS-One boasts about being the greatest MC around. But he was right. He was one of the best MCs around. He was very articulate and intelligent. Favorite track: My Philosophy, of course.

82. XTC Skylarking (1986)
Even if you took away Dear God, this is an amazing album (actually, Dear God was absent from the initial US pressing). But damn, has there ever been an angrier song written than Dear God? I dare you to name one.

81. Tears For Fears Songs From The Big Chair (1985)
This album featured two of the best songs from the 80s, Everybody Wants To Rule The World and Shout, as well as Mothers Talk (which should have been a big hit) and Head Over Heels (a sappy love song that somehow didn't end up too sappy). I loved the way Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal's voices blended together.

And then they went and threw it all away by trying to out-Beatle The Beatles with Sowing The Seeds Of Love (which critics seemed to love (because critics love The Beatles) but to me, it just sounded like they were trying too hard).

80. The Killers Hot Fuss (Limited Edition) (2005)
This band hails from Las Vegas and it shows. Their music is just like Vegas: flashy, over-the-top, and fun. The Limited Edition version of the album boasts three songs not available on the initial release. All three of these songs (Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll, The Ballad Of Michael Valentine, and Under The Gun) are incredible and make this edition a must-have.

Front man Brandon Flowers claims their next album is one of the best albums of the past twenty years. If the first single, When You Were Young, is any indication, he may very well be right.

79. The Cramps Songs The Lord Taught Us (1980)
Punky rockabilly songs about werewolves, zombies, and other oddities. Do I even need to explain why this one's on the list? This album is a lot of fun and my favorite tracks are Garbageman, TV Set, and, of course, I Was A Teenage Werewolf.

I still have a wine cork Lux Interior spit at me at a very special Valentine's Day show.

78. Twisted Sister Stay Hungry (1984)
I Wanna Rock and We're Not Gonna Take It were important anthems to the fourteen-year-old me. And songs like Captain Howdy, The Beast, and Burn In Hell sounded like a horror movie set to music. There is not a weak song on this album. Seriously. I should've ranked it higher.

To this day, anytime I get anywhere near a drum kit, the first thing I play is the opening to We're Not Gonna Take It (minus the cowbell, of course).

And let's pretend Leader Of The Pack never happend, okay?

77. N.W.A. Straight Outta Compton (1988)
N.W.A. was like a reverse-supergroup. Three of their founding members, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and Eazy-E all went on to have great solo careers.

This is the second best gansta rap album ever. My favorite tracks are: Fuck Tha Police, Straight Outta Compton, Gangsta Gangsta, and Dopeman. But I will hate Express Yourself to my dying days.

76. George Michael Faith (1987)
Go ahead and laugh at me, but this album rocks. Faith is easily one of the best singles of the 80s. And then you've got I Want Your Sex, Father Figure, One More Try, and my personal favorite, Kissing A Fool.

And yeah, I was one of those people who had no idea that he wasn't singing about the opposite sex in I Want Your Sex. I'm an idiot.

75. New York Dolls New York Dolls (1973)
I still cannot believe the man who once sang Personality Crisis is the same guy who sang Hot Hot Hot. That should never have been allowed to happen.

74. Hanoi Rocks Back To Mystery City (1983)
I have just come to the conclusion that I cannot write about music. Dancing about architecture, indeed.

Anyway, all the hair bands should have given one percent of their royalties to Hanoi Rocks. They paved the way and received little acclaim. Favorite song: Ice Cream Summer (which could've been a Springsteen song).

73. Oasis Definitely Maybe (1994)
You can keep your Wonderwall and Champagne Supernova. I'll take Rock 'N' Roll Star, Live Forever, Supersonic, and Cigarettes & Alcohol (my favorite). I got to see them live when they were touring the States to promote this album. Gallagher stood up on stage, hands clenched behind his back the entire time, and never once acknowledged the audience as they played their set. It was cool as hell.

72. Sinead O'Connor I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got (1990)
Great album. Of course there's Prince's Nothing Compares 2 U, but there's also I Am Stretched On Your Grave and The Emperor's New Clothes, the coolest lyrics ever written about pregnancy.

I will live by my own policies
I will sleep with a clear conscience
I will sleep in peace

Wish I could say that.

71. Ben Folds Rockin' the Suburbs (2001)
I've never understood why Ben Folds (or Ben Folds Five) isn't H-U-G-E. Ben Folds is an extremely talented lyricist and pianist. He is also one of the angriest artists around. My favorite songs on this album are Carrying Cathy and Zak and Sarah.

If you ever get a chance, try to catch him live. I've seen him many, many times and he always puts on an amazing show.

Read 100-86

Monday Bloody Monday

I've been a parent for almost four years now. In that time, I feel I have met every challenge presented to me. True, I may have felt inept at times, but at least I didn't panic. At least I wasn't useless.

Never have I felt that I failed one of my kids.

Until today.

I was in the kitchen, putting the dishes in the dishwasher after lunch, when I heard Zoey cry shriek wail... I really have no way of accurately describing it. It was a sound I had never heard her make. And a sound I hope I never hear again.

I rushed into the living room and found her covered with blood.

Her face, forehead, and right arm had blood all over it. Blood was on her dress. Blood was on the floor. She was frozen, standing in the middle of the living room, screaming.

I was frozen as well. I just stood there, trying to grasp what was happening, what had happened, and what to do. I have seen plenty of blood in my life; I've had lots of broken bones and my share of stitches. But I had never seen that much blood on my daughter.

I just stood there.

Finally, I pulled my head out of my ass and rushed over to comfort her. I took her to the kitchen and washed most of the blood off her body. I was then able to tell that the blood was coming from her forehead. In between her sobs, I was able to discover that she had hit her head on the corner of our entertainment center.

I asked her if she needed to go to the doctor. Of course, she screamed, "NO!" So I took her back to the living room and put her on the couch. I put a washcloth to her forehead. She had a tiny hole in her forehead which, in my mind, looked like a gaping wound that left me wondering how her brain was still inside her skull.

The bleeding had stopped, but I still phoned Ella. "COME HOME NOW!" I screamed. "ZOEY'S HURT!" Ella came home and calmed me Zoey down. "She's ok," Ella told me. "She doesn't even need stitches." I didn't believe her; I had seen all the blood that had come out of Zoey's head. Blood like that requires stitches!

I spent the rest of the afternoon s-t-a-r-i-n-g at poor Zoey. She was fine. She was dancing and playing as usual. But all I could see was her covered in blood.

I watched for signs of dizziness. I looked at the wound again and again, trying to determine if it needed stitches, praying that it didn't reopen.

Finally, after about two hours (actually, it was only ten minutes), I drove to my mom's office. She was once a nurse and assured me that Zoey did not need stitches.

So we came back home. Zed played in my office while Zoey and I spent most of the afternoon in front of the computer, playing games, surfing, and stalking WebMd.

Tonight, she's got a walnut-sized welt in the middle of her forehead. But she'll be okay. As long as her father never has to make a quick decision that may decide her fate.

GHS: 10

And for the two of you that care, I will resume my Top 100 Albums Of All Time tomorrow evening. I promise.

Lessons Learned While On Vacation

SOMETIMES THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED IS THAT WAY FOR A REASON

Normally, we take the Interstate to get to the shore. We mainly do this because with two small children, we have to make frequent stops. It's great peace of mind to know you're never more than five miles away from a gas station.

This time, we decided to take a drive through the country to get to the beach. Not only did it shave an hour off the trip (a definite plus!), it gave us a chance to see some of the "local flavor" that only a trip through the country can afford:

• abandoned video poker parlors dotting the landscape like a neon graveyard
• a guy pulling up to a saloon (not a bar, a saloon) in his tractor
• competing fruit shacks every 0.06 miles
• a camouflaged tree stand forty feet from the road which was pointing at the road (apparently the Deliverance boys are no longer patient enough to see what floats down the river)
  

WHY MYRTLE BEACH WILL NEVER BE CONFUSED WITH FAR COOLER VACATION DESTINATIONS

Thongs are illegal on the beach. Bad call.

MY DAUGHTER IS PART FISH

I discovered my daughter would rather splash around in the pool or ocean than shop, build a bear, go to the amusement park, eat, or sleep.

I PITY MY CHILDREN'S GENERATION

They'll learn to play Skee-Ball at a Chuck E. Cheese's instead of at a grimy boardwalk arcade (like they should).

GLORIA STEINEM WOULD NOT BE PROUD

A strip club was having a Miss Small-Breasted Contest. The object was for less-endowed (they used words like "mosquito bites") amateurs to get onstage and shake it and show everyone "what they haven't got." First prize? A boob job. No lie.

WHO KNEW "... YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK" JOKES HAD SUCH STAYING POWER?

Myrtle Beach sports not one, but two Jeff Foxworthy stores where his fans (???) can purchase t-shirts (black, white, and the ever-popular camouflage) and other crap with the likeness of the comic (and I use that term loosely) and such witty sayings as "It's Mullet Time."

PEOPLE HAVE NO TASTE

Despite the fact there are approximately 1.4 seafood restaurants for every visitor, the most popular restaurant in town seems to be Red Lobster. Get a clue, folks.

PEOPLE TURN INTO PETTY THIEVES WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING

In my travels to and from the condo, I counted no fewer than ten people taking towels, shampoo, soap, and dish detergent from housekeeping carts.

THE FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY INSIDE ME STILL THRIVES

One day, we took the kids to the aquarium and learned about many different types of fish. My favorite? The Slippery Dick.

Giggle. Giggle. Snort. I am immature.

And nearby it was a fish known as the Gag.

You can make your own joke.

NOT ONLY AM I STILL IMMATURE, I'M STILL A JERK (AND STILL NOT A BIG HIT WITH SORORITY GIRLS)

Every morning when we went swimming, we pretty much had all the pools, the hot tubs, and the lazy river to ourselves. There were usually about five other families splashing around with us.

However, there wasn't a deck chair to be found.

Evidently, every morning at 6:00 AM, all the rooms with teenagers and sorority girls would send down a representative from their room to place beach towels on several deck chairs, thereby reserving their spots for later in the day despite the fact that there were signs all over the place prohibiting such activity. Sick of trying to find a deck chair that the girls hadn't claimed, I snapped on the final day.

I took every beach towel off one row of chairs by the kiddie pool (twenty-two towels, if you're curious) and piled them in a heap at the end of the row. The other dads lifted me onto their shoulders and paraded me around the kiddie pool.

Ok. The part about the parade was a lie.

But I know they were all giggling like me from their balconies at 1:00 PM when the girls awoke from their Jagermeister-induced sleep and came down to the pool to find their deck chairs had been liberated.

STARBUCKS CAN KISS MY ASS

I drank a cup of coffee from the KISS Coffeehouse (yes, the rock and roll all nite and party ev-e-ry day Kiss). Was it the best cup of coffee I've ever had? Nope. Was it the coolest cup of coffee I've ever had? Hell yeah!

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

We had a great time. But damn it's nice to be back home.

Related:
Our previous vacation at Myrtle Beach

More Stupid People Doing Stupid Searches

I'm still at the beach, but until I get back, here are a few of the recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

angel child bully sneaky
Wasn't this the name of Gwen Stefani's solo album?

french maid diaper change
Way to go, dude. Thanks for ruining one of my fantasies.

dora the explorer porn
Don't expect much. Bitch can't find anything without that damn map.

"i hate you daddy" girls gone wild
There's no easier way to say "I hate you, Daddy" than appearing on Girls Gone Wild.

derek jeter voodoo doll
Arwen, is that you again? Mr. Big Dubya?

sites that make fun of johnny damon
Ok, guys. Knock it off already!

what you do when you brake marriage fouls
The only thing funnier than idiotic search terms is misspelled idiotic search terms.

play doh stuck in ears
If you squeeze his nose, maybe it will come out his butt.

guys have you dressed as a cheerleader for Halloween
No. I've dressed as a prostitute and a secretary, but never a cheerleader.

cheerleader wants to be punk
Better than the other way around!

milfs goin all out
Girls Gone Wild for the over-30 set.

mommy has a tummy ache and is vomiting in bed
Tell Dad to get his lazy ass off the couch and help!

funny guess who the dad is story?
Kids, there is nothing funny about paternity tests.

horror porno
Dude, I think we can be best friends forever.

Previous Search Engine Fun
In Lieu Of An Actual Entry, Let's Make Fun Of Stupid People!
Stuff Only I Care About VIII
Stuff Only I Care About VI
Stuff Only I Care About IV
Stuff Only I Care About

Repost: First Week Of Cynical Dad

We're at the beach this week. I probably won't be doing any new posting (unless something exciting happens and I can find a Cyber Cafe (if they still have such things)). I thought I'd leave you with the posts from the very first week of Cynical Dad. See you when I get back. -- Chag

Honey, What Are Finger Chingers?

Tonight Ella and I took Zoey and Zed to a Chinese buffet. Ella was going up to get Zoey's food when Zoey said, "Mommy, I want some finger chingers."

We were both puzzled.

"Chicken fingers?" I asked.

"Finger chingers!" she told us.

"What do you want?" Ella asked.

"Finger chingers!" Zoey was beginning to get frustrated with her parents' lack of English comprehension.

Not knowing what to do, Ella finally said, "Honey, what are finger chingers?"

Finally, Zoey pointed to a lady at the table across from us, eating her meal with chopsticks. "Finger chingers!" she shouted.

Does anyone feel her use of the phrase finger chingers for chopsticks sounds vaguely racist? Me too.

In other food-related news, on Friday, Zoey was eating a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Of course, this was only after a fifteen-minute tantrum because I told her we were out of Lunchables. Anyway, she held up a small piece of the sandwich and proclaimed, "Daddy, this looks like a saxophone!" Of course, it looked nothing like a saxophone, but I agreed and praised her nonetheless. But then I thought, should I put it on Ebay? Surely some idiot would buy it. Or maybe just cut out the middleman and proposition Golden Palace? Unfortunately, she had eaten it before I figured out a way to make some quick cash from her overactive imagination.

Al Roker And The Girls Of Hi-5

I Tivo'd Today two weeks ago because Laurie Berkner was scheduled to perform two songs. Zoey is a big Laurie fan and Zed always turns to the television when he hears one of her videos. And, believe it or not, her music's actually pretty decent, especially for children's music.

Anyway, Al Roker was sitting on the couch betwixt his two female cohosts. Sorry, I've never really watched Today so I don't know their names. Actually, I don't understand why anyone watches Today. It's basically just three hours' worth of recipes, celebrities pimping their latest vehicles, boring human interest stories, inane chatter, and, for some unknown reason, weather reports every fifteen minutes. Christ, if anyone needs the weather report that badly, couldn't they just switch it to The Weather Channel?

So they broadcast a clip of the next day's Today's musical guest, Hi-5, which, oddly enough, I can also stomach. Here is a transcript of Al Roker watching this clip:

Wow. I haven't seen them. Wow, that's freaky. Let's look at some more of that. Whoo. Wow.

They cut back to Roker and the cohosts and Roker's sitting on the edge of his seat, staring at the monitor. It was quite obvious Roker was enamored with the girls. So the kind people in the control booth began playing another clip just for Al. Here's what he had to say this time:

Oh yeah. Karaoke for the kids. Wow. Little something for the dads jumping around there, too. That's all right.

Which was met with nervous laughter from his female cohosts.

Needless to say, Al wasn't allowed any onscreen time with the girls of Hi-5 (sounds like a Playboy pictorial) the next day.

I Don't Want To Be Buried In A Pet Sematary

Zoey does not have any imaginary friends. She has plenty of real friends, and since she's so headstrong, she can make them do whatever she wants. So the need for imaginary friends that can be easily controlled hasn't arisen yet.

But she doesn't have a pet.

See where I'm headed with this?

Zoey has an imaginary cat. Zoey has an imaginary dog. Zoey has an imaginary turtle, fish, rabbit, elephant—you name the animal, she has one for a pet. Apparently, Zoey has an imaginary zoo.

And every imaginary animal is named Freako. I have no earthly idea how she came up with that name. I don't think I really want to know.

But here's the really twisted part: none of the animals live in our house. They all live in Heaven. So not only does my poor child have so many imaginary animals that she had to give them all the same name, but they keep dying on her as well. Imagine all the imaginary guilt she must have stored up inside of her.

I do not know what caused all the imaginary carnage. Perhaps they were all imaginarily run over by imaginary cars. Or perhaps one of her imaginary animals became imaginarily infected with some imaginary disease and imaginarily transmitted it to the rest of the imaginary zoo.

Regardless, I know I won't be getting her a real pet anytime soon. Not until she can at least take better care of her imaginary ones.

One

On July 10, 2005, I started Cynical Dad. I had an itch to write, so I decided to share my kids with the rest of the world. Why did I start writing about my kids? I like to tell people I'm writing the definitive How-Not-To Guide To Parenting. I'm probably not too far off the mark.

I began my journey with a little ditty about finger chingers. And though I am my own worst critic, I have written some things in the past year that even I enjoy:

• Just Because I Am Not Without Sin Doesn't Mean I Won't Cast The First Stone Upside Your Head (dealing with a Jesus Freak in the parking lot)
• Fight Club Junior (fighting erupts amongst the kids in my 'hood)
• Zoey's New Hairdon't (Zoey cuts her own hair)
• Don't Tell Me How To Raise My Kids And I Won't Tell You Your Eyebrows Make You Look Like A Clown (one of the many times someone's questioned my parenting abilities)
• I Only Hope I Get Off This Cheap When It's Time For The Real Thing (Zoey marries the little boy down the street)
• Civil Disobedience (the day I wanted to sell my kids on eBay)
• My Daughter Wants Her Daddy Dead (Zoey models her Halloween costume)
• Sex And The Suburbs (the topic turns to sex at a brunch with "the girls")
• The Old Lion's Teeth, Seems Like A Smile To Me (I finally figure out what Zoey can be when she grows up)
  

So what does the next year hold for Cynical Dad?

World domination, silly.

But enough about me...

In the past year, I have met so many amazing people online. So today, I'd like to celebrate you guys. You who inspire me. You who encourage me. You who disagree with me. You who keep coming back to read this crap.

Everyone who has ever sent me a comment or email. Everyone who has ever read my ramblings.

Thank you all.

Stuff Only I Care About XVII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The Yankees went 5-2 this week, bringing their overall record to 50-35, and are now three games behind Boston in the AL East.

In their last four games (all victories), the Yankees have outscored their opponents 27-8.

In those four games, their starters have combined for a 2.25 ERA.

Jaret Wright went SIX innings on Friday night.

Jaret Wright struck out TEN batters on Friday night.

Jaret Wright gave up ZERO runs on Friday night.

Still not a fan of Jaret Wright.

With Damon missing most of the past week, the Yankees have no one left from their Opening Day outfield. In fact, they had to resort to such talent as Aaron Guiel (claimed off waivers from Kansas City (KANSAS CITY!)).

But did I mention they're only three games back?

And here's a fun stat for all you Red Sox fans: The Boston Red Sox are 37-30 against the American League this year. 37-30. Playing .552 ball. True, they're 16-2 against the National League, which would fare well for the World Series, but if they keep playing at a .552 clip against the American League, they won't have to worry about the World Series.

Babytalk

If you would like a free subscription to Babytalk magazine, click here. Ella was an avid reader of Babytalk until Zoey was about eighteen months old (after that, neither of us had much time to read anything).

Disclaimer: If that sounds like an ad, it isn't. The people at Babytalk asked if my readers would be interested in a free subscription to their magazine. My wife used to read it all the time, so I agreed. I am receiving no compensation, monetary (or monitory) or otherwise, for this link. Don't really know why I feel the need to defend myself, but yet I am.

My Top 100 Albums Of All Time

Don't forget! I've got that contest running: a $25 Amazon gift certificate to the first person who correctly identifies my favorite album of all time. No one has guessed right yet, so give it a whirl if you haven't already done so (only one guess per person, folks).

Sunday Morning Hangover

I've been slack this week and haven't been keeping up with my favorite reads (much less commenting) as well as I'd like. And next week won't be any different; we're leaving Tuesday for the beach and won't return until Sunday evening (six days without internet access; I will surely die (because even though Ella said I could purchase a laptop for Father's Day, I'm just too cheap to actually buy the damn thing)). Nonetheless, here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Dad Gone Mad defines CDs.
• Mary P. explains benign neglect (if you are a parent or caregiver, YOU MUST READ THIS. NO EXCEPTIONS.).
• Mrs. Fortune no longer has to dye her hair or pierce her eyebrows to get noticed.
• Susan discovers you get what you paid for.
• Mary P. explains benign neglect (just in case you ignored my request from above, I will not take NO for an answer).

The Top 100 Albums Of All Time (100-86)

First, the rules. I'm using the guidelines Norbizness set for himself:

• One album per artist.
• No greatest hits packages, compilations, or boxed sets. There are many bands that have two or three really cool songs per album amidst a lot of dreck (I'm looking at you, Sting, Andy, and Stewart). If you want on my list, make a good CD!
• No artists that would make me look hip or cool (and I think I shattered any chance to be viewed as hip or cool right off the bat with #100).
• I must own the LP, CD, or cassette tape of every one of these entries. No mp3s.

And just to make this interesting, I'll give the first person that correctly guesses my #1 album (before it's posted, of course) a $25 Amazon gift certificate. One guess per person, please.

So without further ado, here are 100-86:

100. Warrant Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich (1988)
I can admit it. I like Warrant. I even saw them perform live.

Twice. In one night (at an arena opening for Crue and later at an after party (where I started dating my first (and sadly, only) stripper). So I figured any band worth seeing twice in one night is definitely worth a spot on this list.

Plus, they had the balls to include not one, but two power ballads on their debut disc. Heaven was the song that made them famous, but Sometimes She Cries will always be my favorite.

99. Blondie Parallel Lines (1978)
No one could bend, blend, and upend genres like Deborah Harry and Blondie. They were just as comfortable producing disco classics as they were hard-rocking numbers and songs that made you think of the great girl groups of the 60s. If Heart of Glass doesn't get you moving, nothing will. But I die a little each time I see that Swiffer commercial that uses One Way Or Another.

98. 3rd Bass The Cactus Album (1989)
Most people's knowledge of 3rd Bass begins and ends with The Gas Face (or, if you watched a lot of MTV, you might also be familiar with Pop Goes The Weasel, their attack against Vanilla Ice). This rest of the album is far from Gas Face filler: cool beats, cooler rhymes, and lots of samples (something sorely lacking in today's music).

97. The Jim Carroll Band Catholic Boy (1980)
Want to know how big of a nerd I am? You know when you get done listening to a CD, sometimes there will be a bunch of tracks that are nothing but two seconds of dead air, eventually followed by an actual song that was not listed in the liner notes? Well, I have a tendency to put hidden tracks like this on my mix CDs.

When Ella and I got married, I made CDs of our wedding music (first dance, father-daughter dance, mother-son dance, cake-cutting song, all that crap) for all the members of our wedding party. Since we only had thirty minutes of music, I was able to put ten more songs on the disc as hidden tracks. Jim Carroll's People Who Died was one of those hidden tracks.

I know what you're thinking: "What kind of jerk puts a song about people dying on his wedding CD?" The same kind of jerk who also puts The Circle Jerks' Golden Shower Of Hits (Jerks On 45) on the disc as well. And that song talks about divorce.

It's a wonder I'm still married.

96. Suicidal Tendencies Suicidal Tendencies (1983)
My friends and I were skate rats when we were 13-15 years old. And this album was our soundtrack.

I still remember the first time I saw the video for Institutionalized. Mike Muir was dressed in flannel and a bandana, singing/screaming about not wanting to be institutionalized. I was instantly hooked. My favorite song on the disc is I Saw Your Mommy (And Your Mommy's Dead).

95. The Doors The Doors (1967)
Everyone is so quick to anoint Jim Morrison a God, they forget about Ray Manzarek. On this album and future releases, he laid down some incredibly mind-blowing keyboard tracks.

Just look at these songs: Break On Through (To The Other Side), The Crystal Ship, Light My Fire, and The End. And this was from a debut album, people. Damn.

94. Sonic Youth Dirty (1992)
I played the hell out of Creme Brulee when I was a college dj. So much that the station manager hid the album from me.

Easily their most accessible album (which isn't saying much because to me, nails on a chalkboard were more accessible than most of Sonic Youth's offerings), Dirty produced such great songs as 100% (their one and only MTV hit) and Chapel Hill (because any song that name-drops the Cat's Cradle is instantly cool in my book).

93. Bicycle Face Trust And Obey (1992)
I'm sure most of you have not heard of this band but if you have the means, you should definitely check out this CD. It's raunchy and immature and therefore, quite funny and brilliant. My favorite song is Political Song, which is actually an anti-political-song song. Sample lyric: "'Cause we're gonna save the world / And we're gonna sell some t-shirts."

When I was researching this CD, I learned that one of Bicycle Face's members, Brian Huskey, is now one of the talking heads on VH1's Best Week Ever. So that just proves this CD is funny.

92. Rage Against The Machine Rage Against The Machine (1992)
This is one heavy album. While Zack de la Rocha's political raps were incredible, Tony Morello's guitar work was the real star of this band. Standout tracks include: Killing In The Name, Bullet In The Head, Bombtrack, and Know Your Enemy.

This is so much better than the rap/metal hybrid crap that's being produced today. And what teenager today wouldn't fall in love with the lyric "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me?"

91. The Flaming Lips The Soft Bulletin (1999)
My introduction to The Flaming Lips came from In A Priest-Driven Ambulance. I had this friend who, in a desperate attempt to seem cool, bought CDs by bands with weird names without knowing anything about their music. This is how we got into bands like The Flaming Lips and The Butthole Surfers (actually, maybe my friend only bought albums by bands with body parts in their names). We listened to Five Stop Mother Superior Rain nonstop that summer.

The Flaming Lips have put out a lot of great albums over the years, but The Soft Bulletin is the best.

90. Warren Zevon Sentimental Hygiene (1987)
There are so many killer cuts on this CD (Boom Boom Mancini, Reconsider Me, Detox Mansion, and Bad Karma), I probably should have ranked it much higher. Oh well. Maybe next time.

89. Red Hot Chili Peppers Mother's Milk (1989)
I never really cared for the Peppers before this album. But this one rocked! With originals like Nobody Weird Like Me, Knock Me Down (my personal fave), and Johnny, Kick A Hole In The Sky, mixed with two incredible covers (Jimi Hendrix's Fire and Stevie Wonder's Higher Ground), the Red Hot Chili Peppers achieved a level of greatness they haven't come close to attaining since.

88. Cinderella Long Cold Winter (1988)
Everyone likes to say that Kurt Cobain and grunge killed off the hair bands. But I have another theory: Hair bands committed career suicide.

Hair bands earned their fame and fortune singing about fast cars, women, partying, women, and drinking. And women. Critics hated these songs, but fans lapped them up. Seemingly all at once, the hair bands made a conscious effort to appeal to critics.

They started tackling weightier issues in their songs. Songs about child abuse, drug abuse, prison, evangelists, politicians, Vietnam Vets, and the homeless started creeping into their material. Witness Poison's Something To Believe In, Cinderella's Shelter Me (which is from Heartbreak Station, the album after Long Cold Winter), and Faster Pussycat's House Of Pain.

While fans still bought the albums containing the new serious fare, these songs all appeared on each band's last decent-selling offering. It was if the fans collectively stated, "Dude! I came her to PARTY! If I want to hear preaching, I'll listen to Bono." And the fans turned their backs on the hair bands. And not only the offending bands, but the entire genre.

Except for Bon Jovi. Nothing can kill Bon Jovi.

When we finally destroy the planet, Jon Bon Jovi will still be around to take care of all the cockroaches.

87. De La Soul 3 Feet High And Rising (1989)
While their counterparts were dissin' each other and rapping about guns, De La Soul came along with something new and different, a peaceful and funny alternative. Spliced between a fictional game show, this album was so much more than simply Me, Myself, And I. If you haven't listened to this in a while, or if you've never listened to it, I urge you to give it a spin. I did over the weekend and I've been smiling ever since.

86. Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation 1814 (1989)
Since she released twenty-seven singles from this album that all went to #1, there's nothing I can say about it that you don't already know. But I will tell you that I saw her twice on the Rhythm Nation Tour, including once when she was still allowed to bring the black panther onstage before those pesky PETA people got their panties in a wad.

Miscellaneous Debris III

OVERHEARD

Zoey: I want to draw!
Ella: Honey, it's late. Besides, it's dark in the car. You won't be able to see.
Zoey: I want to draw!
Ella: Go to sleep.
Zoey: Rowwwwwwwrrrrrr!!!!
Me: laughter
Zoey: Daddy, don't talk to Mommy. She's grumpy!