Welcome To Paigecentric Wednesday

So Much Bad Music, So Little Time

Voting has begun for Paige Maguire's Shittiest Mix Tape Challenge. My personal favorite? Debbie's mix tape. Take a look at her offering:

Steve Miller Band Abracadabra
Crash Test Dummies Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Shania Twain Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
USA For Africa We Are The World
Starship We Built This City

She did an amazing job! So go check out all the mix tapes and vote for your favorite (or should that be least favorite?). Marvel at all the incredibly bad music represented in those mixes. The winner gets a t-shirt from 60 Bugs.

Hell, I'm Not Even A Semi-Cool Dad

You can find me over at Cool Mom Picks today. Yeah, I realize I'm neither cool nor a mom, but Kristen asked me to contribute something for their Father's Day week celebration. If you're so inclined, you can read my piece on Rock-N-Romp (incidentally, Paige runs the Austin Rock-N-Romp).

I would really love to start one in my area, but my town barely supports a local music scene, let alone one that includes kids.

Update: I'm an idiot. I didn't realize it at the time, but this post should've been called Welcome To Paigecentric and Debbiecentric Wednesday. It turns out that the Debbie who created my favorite shittiest mix tape is also the same Debbie that founded Rock-N-Romp. Heh. Small world.

Why Do I Even Bother Bringing The Camcorder To These Things?

Zoey's last day of preschool was Friday. Per tradition, all the kids put on a little ten-minute musical program for the moms and dads. In the past, this is what my sweet little girl has done during the Christmas and End Of Year programs: argued with another child at two separate programs, twirled her halo around her arm, played with grass for an entire program, and kissed another girl. But she did manage to sing one freaking word at one of her programs.

So she was due for a breakout performance, you know?

I would love to tell you how she stood up straight the whole time. How she belted out every word correctly with pride. How she acted out every hand gesture. But I can't.

Things stared off well. She was actually half-singing the first song. I started feeling a little cocky.

Hallelu, Hallelujah was the next song. Oh, no, I thought. Please don't let her have the 'Praise Ye The Lord' part.

Denied!

Thankfully, she wasn't singing loud enough for the audience to pick up on it. But there was my little girl, smiling proudly as she sang Crazy The Lord! I should have nipped that in the bud when I had a chance.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the highlight of the production.

Zoey quickly became bored (I really have no worries about turning into a Pageant Mom; the girl's got no desire for the stage). Since there was no grass nearby for her to play with, she turned her attention to something else.

Her dress.

She reached down and pulled the hem of her dress up to her chest, flashing the audience. People started laughing. So she did it again. And again. And again. She did it 12,347 times during the next eight minutes.

Actually, she probably only did it five times. It just seemed like 12,347.

So I now have videotape of her kissing a girl and flashing the audience at two separate programs. I should be ready when she inevitably shows up on Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break 2019.

GHS: 10

Related:
The Gratingest* Show On Earth**
Phoning It In: Random Snippets Of Tuesday Dialogue

Shitty Mix Tape Challenge

Paige has issued a challenge to all her readers: make the shittiest five-song mix tape ever. As I am no stranger to the fine art of mix tapes (mixtaping?), I had no choice but to play along.

Music is subjective. One person's favorite song ever is another person's dissonance. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Or in this case, the ears.

If you're trying to make a shitty mix tape, it would be very easy to say, "Just take the first five songs from any album by 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, or any other crappy boyband from the late 90s." Or just write down the first five songs you hear on your McRadio station.

One could also make a strong case for the hard rock hairbands of the 80s as well. Not me. I loved hairbands. I was a teenager during The Golden Age Of Hair. What's better than trying to pick up girls, drinking, and partying? Trying to pick up girls, drinking, and partying while listening to songs about picking up girls, drinking, and partying. It was like having a soundtrack to my life. A soundtrack sung by guys prettier than the girls I was meeting.

Weddings are also great fodder for shitty songs. If you take the following four staples played at most weddings: The Chicken Dance, Electric Slide, The Hokey Pokey, and Macarena and add in the couple's "first dance" song, you'll probably end up with a pretty shitty mix tape (and in case you were wondering, none of these songs were played at our wedding (of course, the DJ segued from our "first dance" song to My Way by Sid Vicious, so that might tell you something right there)).

But in the end, I just decided to pick five songs that were very popular for reasons I cannot understand. So here's my entry in the Shitty Mix Tape Challenge:

The Beach Boys Kokomo
This song makes me want to spend a hot sunny day at the beach. And drown myself.

Bobby McFerrin Don't Worry Be Happy
Nothing about this song makes me happy. Here's a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note. Um? I'll pass.

Billy Vera and The Beaters At This Moment
This song was everywhere in 1987. The world would have never been exposed to it had it not been for the television show Family Ties. The song languished in obscurity for five years until it the producers played it during several episodes of the 1987 season. Of all the social injustices brought upon us by Family Ties (such as Tina Yothers' acting career), this is by far the worst. Damn you, Alex P. Keaton!

Tracy Chapman Fast Car
There is no car fast enough to drive me away from this song.

Def Leppard Pour Some Sugar On Me
Let's take a look at the first four lines of the song:
Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?

The hell? Do you realize it took five people to write these words? I think I could write a more coherent verse by blindly throwing one of those haiku magnet kits onto my refrigerator. I love my hairbands, but I hate this song.

ADDENDUM

I realize I have no chance of winning this contest. In my opinion, neither do any of the other entrants. Why? Because the shittiest mix tape was actually created in 1983. Just mull over these five songs for a second:

The Association Along Comes Mary
Carpenters Close To You
Starland Vocal Band Afternoon Delight
Paul Anka (You're) Having My Baby
Captain & Tennille Love Will Keep Us Together

No really. Ponder the earth-shattering suckiness of those five songs a little bit longer.

Back? Good.

In 1983, hardcore/punk band Circle Jerks released Golden Shower Of Hits (Jerks On 45). It was a medley of all five songs, along with Tammy Wynette's cool country classic D-I-V-O-R-C-E. If you take each song separately, they are awful. AWFUL. But somehow, the Circle Jerks managed to weave them together into five minutes of pure punk bliss. It's amazing how they created such a thing of beauty from such abysmal pieces.

And the most impressive thing about the song is it actually tells a story:

• Boy Meets Girl (Along Comes Mary)
• They Fall In Love (Close To You)
• They Have Sex (Afternoon Delight)
• She Gets Pregnant ((You're) Having My Baby)
• The Couple Has Problems (Love Will Keep Us Together)
• The Couple Gets Divorced (D-I-V-O-R-C-E)
  

Golden Shower Of Hits (Jerks On 45) is truly one of the greatest cover songs of all time. And worthy of the Shittiest Mix Tape Ever title.

Related:
Masturbation Mix Tape
Mother's Day Mix Tape
Xmas Mix Tape

I Stand Corrected

When Zoey was going through her terrible twos phase (actually, she's almost four and the phase shows no sign of ceasing anytime soon (when exactly does a phase turn into a way of life?)), people would tell me, "Just be thankful she's not a boy." "Ha!" I would scoff. "How can a boy be any worse than this?"

See the title of this post? Good.

Despite the fact that he's still not walking (but that should happen any day now; he's starting to pull away from the furniture and stand unassisted and took one itsy-bitsy-teeny-tiny step over the weekend), Zed is a weapon of mass destruction. I swear he watches me out of the corner of his eye, just waiting for me to leave the room so he can climb the stairs or splash in the toilet or knock everything off the living room table or terrorize his sister or whatever mischievous idea pops into his head at the time.

Do you think my neighbors would call Child Protection Services if they came in my house and found him sitting in a monkey cage? Because I'm running out of ideas.

But his latest game is opening the cabinets of our entertainment center and pulling out DVDs so he can gnaw on them and bash them against the floor. Apparently, I've got a little Roger Ebert on my hands.

Last night, Ella and I were in the room as he pulled out three DVDs.

Me (sarcastically): Look! He pulled out Dawson's Creek, Moulin Rouge, and a Tom Cruise flick (Vanilla Sky)! That guy up the street was right! That pink car is turning him into a gay!
Ella: Um? Two of those movies are yours, Queenie.
Me: Oh yeah.

Point, Ella.

Care to guess which one isn't mine? I'll give you a big hint: it's the one that stars my archenemy, James Van Der Beek.

GHS: 3 (due to his destructive nature)

On An Island In The Sun

Ok. Mrs. Fortune tagged me with a meme she created. She gave birth just nineteen days ago and is already blogging, reading others' blogs (while rocking her kiddo), and making up her own memes. It sounds like she hit the ground running and hasn't stopped yet. Amazing.

Back to the meme. You're supposed to list which three books, three movies, three CDs, and three people you would want with you if you were stranded on a desert island. Below is my contribution.

BOOKS

I used to read. I used to do a lot of things. But I hate to admit that the only books I've read since the kids have come into my life are those damn What To Expect books. Sad. But here are the three I would have to have with me on that island:

Catcher In The Rye
I know it's cliché. But I have reread this book so many times in my life it's almost scary. I'm not at the Chapman level, but I'm damned close.

Breakfast Of Champions
Catcher is my favorite book, but Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. is my favorite author.

How To Survive On A Desert Island With Just Three Books, Three Movies, Three CDs, And Three Other People
I was going to bring a big book of Sudoku puzzles or a Tom Robbins novel, but I figured this book would better serve my needs.

MOVIES

This is a tough one. I love movies. I tried several years ago to get a movie appreciation/discussion group going with some of my friends, but they're all savages.

Rushmore
Best. Movie. Ever.

Quirky characters. Great dialogue. Awesome soundtrack. What more could you want?

"Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything. But they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it." Words we should all live by.

Rushmore is my Rushmore.

Goodfellas
I love gangster flicks and while there are so many great ones to chose from, Goodfellas is my favorite. "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster." Actually, that's a lie. I always wanted to be a rockstar. But Henry Hill made the thug life look cool as hell.

Jaws
Yeah, I know when you're on a small island completely surrounded by water, the last thing you should be watching is a movie about a killer shark. But I can't help it. Jaws was my Star Wars. It was the flick that made me fall in love with movies. I would proudly wear my Jaws t-shirt everywhere I went when I was six years old. I have the pics to prove it.

MUSIC

Christ. This has to be the hardest question I've ever answered. I'm assuming I can't just take three CDs crammed with mp3s at a substandard 96kbps bitrate. Can I trade in one of my three books for another CD? How about one of my people? If not, I hope my three people can also bring along three CDs each so that Bloodletting (Concrete Blonde), Kerosene Hat (Cracker), Ben Folds Live (Ben Folds), The Downward Spiral (Nine Inch Nails), MTV Unplugged In New York (Nirvana), Wave Of Mutilation: The Best Of The Pixies (Pixies), It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back (Public Enemy), Never Mind The Bollocks Here's The Sex Pistols (Sex Pistols), and Cereal Killers (Too Much Joy) will also be present on the island.

Destroyer (Kiss)
This album is nowhere near one of my favorites of all time. It's probably not even in my Top 100. But it takes me back to when life was simpler. And that's worth something, right?

This is the first album I ever bought. As a young lad, I was nursed on country music and AM radio. One day, I was at the local drug store and this album was calling to me from the racks. I didn't know who they were or what they sounded like. I only knew I had to have it. I begged my mother to buy it for me. She looked at the cover and was skeptical, but I was relentless so she finally caved.

I went home and put it on my record player. And my life was forever changed.

Appetite For Destruction (Guns N' Roses)
They released this album when I was 17. I remember being blown away the very first time I head it. Axl's voice, Slash's guitar, it was all so raw. It was an amazing record. It became the soundtrack to my senior year in high school.

Hey! Ho! Let's Go: The Anthology (Ramones)
Is there a better way to spend your days at the beach than listening to perfect two-minute pop songs? Nope.

PEOPLE

According to Mrs. Fortune's rules, you're not allowed to take your spouse/partner or your kids.

Like I was gonna.

It would be easy to go the intellectual route and invite people like Jesus and Gandhi. But if I'm going to be stuck on an island, I want to have some fun! Everyone would bring celebrities, right? It's just not me, is it?

I thought about bringing John Lydon because he's very opinionated and outspoken. But after five minutes, he would probably call me an asshole and move to the other side of the island.

I thought about bring George W. Bush. But after five minutes, I would probably call him an asshole and move to the other side of the island.

I thought about bringing Crispin Glover. But after five minutes, he would probably become friends with a coconut and forget about me.

I thought about bringing Mike Tyson because I would never tire of hearing him mangle the English language in his high-pitched voice. But eventually he would come to the realization that I was laughing at him and would beat me until I was dead. And that doesn't sound like much fun.

Maybe having celebrities tag along isn't such a good idea. I would get very hungry on the island, so maybe I should bring along a few famous cooks. Maybe Emeril or Rachel Ray or some other people on those food channels that everyone's always talking about.

But that would eventually get pretty boring, hanging out with cooks all day long.

And besides, I think I'd be hungry for something else. So let's invite these three based solely on their sex appeal:

Eva Longoria
Keira Knightley
Jenny McCarthy (it's my meme, I can do what I want)

But even that could eventually get old. Eventually. Like in twenty years or so. So I decided to go with three famous women who are not only attractive but seem intelligent and funny as well:

Marisa Tomei
Sarah Silverman
Tina Fey

And maybe Eva Longoria can lead our rescue party? A guy can dream.

Ok. You can opt out if you like, but I'm tagging the following people: Mrs. Pygmalion (because she loooooves memes and probably wouldn't mind being on a desert island), Paige, Freezio, and both John & Kristen.

Stuff Only I Care About XII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The Yankees went 3-4 this week and now find themselves trailing Boston by a game and a half in the AL East.

The Yankees are 3-3 so far in a ten-game (in ten days!) series against three different division leaders.

In their past twelve games, the Yankees have committed twenty-one errors, leading to thirteen unearned runs.

Mariano Rivera has given up a run in two of his past four games. He is 2-1 with a save during those four games.

Bernie Williams was listed on today's injury report with a buttock injury. If the Yankees don't start pitching and fielding better, he and the rest of the team will find out from Steinbrenner what a real pain in the ass is.

Thank you FOX for televising the Yankees-Mets game today. I know you're like ESPN and like to televise as many Braves games as possible, and I'm sure that cross-town White Sox/Cubs rivalry looked tempting, but you made the right choice.

The Yankees start a three-game series at Fenway on Monday night. Monday and Wednesday's games are on ESPN.

La La Love You

I'm always late to the party, so I'm sorry if you've already heard about this. On July 4th, lala.com will launch. It's a site where people can trade used CDs.

Basically, it works like this: you list all the CDs you have to trade. Someone sees one they like, they pay one dollar (plus forty-nine cents for shipping) to La La. You mail them the CD. Then you get a CD from someone else (after you pay $1.49 to La La). Then after you're done burning listening to the CD, you send it to someone else. Each time, the company gets a dollar and someone gets a used CD.

The amazing thing is La La will donate twenty cents from every sale to the artists. It will be interesting to see how they'll handle soundtracks.

Why hasn't someone thought of this before?

Britney Alone Should Give Them Enough Material

Lucinda and a few other talented bloggers started Mamrazzi, a hilarious site that unapologetically mocks celebrity parents. They're off to a great start so far.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Bite My Cookie obtains a devilish license plate.
• Dad Gone Mad loses a battle with his nose hair trimmer.
• Girl's Gone Child discusses how meeting an idol can be a letdown.
• IzzyMom ogles the shirtless men in her neighborhood.
• Kristen (from Home On The Fringe) rewards her son for explaining the complexities of human interaction.
• Kristen (from Motherhood Uncensored) learns plenty while on vacation with her in-laws.
• Lucinda leaves her mojo on Cinderella's front porch.
• Matthew shares his home with a big game hunter.
• Mir discovers three is the deadliest number.
• Mrs. Pygmalion gives advice on how to prepare for a playdate.
• Wood examines the complex relationship between mothers and daughters.
  

MELTDOWN

I'd like to thank everyone for their support, kind words, and virtual hugs during my Spring Meltdown 2006. And if you missed it? I'll probably have another one in a few months. So stay tuned!

Melancholy And The Impotent Dadness

Update at the bottom of the page.

Ella is a very kind wife. She gets up in the morning, showers, and readies herself for work. She then wakes Zed, feeds him and dresses him while I take a shower. Three less things I have to worry about in the morning (which, as I am far from a morning person, is a good thing).

I'm a lucky guy.

I woke up this morning, showered, and put on a green t-shirt and khaki shorts. I know I don't usually entertain you with my fashion choices, but since my wife threatens to blindside me with the folks from What Not To Wear, I figure it would be best to slowly acclimate you to what I call fashion so you're not completely taken aback when my episode airs.

As I came downstairs, I took a look at Zed. What was he wearing? A green t-shirt and khaki shorts. Ella laughed. Too lazy to change my clothes, I shrugged and moved on.

After we dropped Zoey off at preschool, Zed and I decided to take a walk through the neighborhood. I got out his sister's old pink push-car since he has started to hate his stroller.

So we went for a leisurely stroll in our little pink car and matching outfits. We came upon this old Japanese couple that I often see walking through the neighborhood. They're old school: the wife walks five feet behind the husband. Never understood how a woman could put up with that crap. They spoke to us briefly, mostly in Japanese, so I was forced to just nod my head and smile like an idiot.

We walked a little further up the block and ran into Burt.

I often see Burt out working on his car, but I have never spoken to him. Burt drives a black 70s Trans Am (with T-Tops!!! remember those?). He also has a big bushy mustache. That shit is funny on My Name Is Earl, but nobody wants to know someone with a Burt Reynolds fetish in real life. In real life, it's not funny. It's just sad.

"Is that a boy?" he asked me.

"Last time I checked." And since I check roughly eighteen times a day (that kid's got a bladder like a pregnant woman), I'm pretty sure of this fact.

"Why's he riding in a pink car?"

Oh fun! A homophobe! "It's his sister's hand-me-down."

"Aren't you afraid he'll grow up to be a fairy?"

When people irritate me, I like to mess with them. Somehow, this has only led to one ass kicking over the years. "Like Tinkerbell? I don't think fairies are real."

"No. Like a gay."

"No. My thriftiness far outweighs my fear of homosexuality."

He looked puzzled and I could tell his tiny, homophobic, Neanderthal brain was having trouble processing what I just said. Finally he asked, "Why are you two dressed the same?"

"Wardrobe malfunction. Gottta go!"

And off we ran. Every time I start thinking the South might be getting a little more progressive, someone like Burt comes along and shatters my illusions.

***

Welcome to Downer Friday!

When I first posted this piece, the following was at the bottom:

Does anyone remember when this site was funny? Or interesting? Neither do I.

And I'm not sure it ever was.

Remember when I used to write about my kids? When I'm not whining and bitching and moaning and groaning about gender- and role-reversals, I'm writing about sports, music, or other dreck.

I wrote about my remote control last time.

Jesus Christ.

After reading a few of your comments and emails, I deleted it and replaced it with the following:

[whiny, self-indulgent b.s. removed]

And then I read Kristen's comment. And you know what? She's right.

Now let me spill my guts so you can get a better understanding of where I'm coming from, who I am, and all that jazz.

I suffer from extremely low self-esteem and depression. My father was an alcoholic who basically told me I was worthless almost daily from the time I was eight until he died when I was twenty. Now, I know I'm not worthless. No human being is worthless. But if you are told something long enough, part of you starts believing it.

And I haven't been able to cut that part out of my body.

When I was twenty-three, I was diagnosed with depression. They put me on Lithium, Prozac, and weekly therapy. One day my therapist suggested a little "vacation" might be in my best interest. Not wishing to be institutionalized, I quit going to the therapist, quit taking my meds, and gave myself a kick to the head.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to repress it 100%. Ever once in a while, I still have bouts of depression. But these feelings almost always happen when I'm alone and my mind is left to its own devices. Like when I'm writing. Which why the self-hatred crap sneaks into my words.

I value everyone who reads my site and am very grateful for the number of readers I have. But at the same time, there's that part of me that doesn't understand why anyone would want to read my stuff at all. This is the same part of me that would burn everything I wrote when I was a teenager.

Look. I'm not looking for your sympathy. I'm just telling you what it's like inside my head, so the next time I write something like I did today, you'll have a better understanding of my intentions.

It's part of who I am. And I hate it.

There. Time's up! How much do I owe you for the therapy session?

Making Love Out Of Nothing At All

I have a confession to make: I have not been faithful to Ella.

For the past two years, I have had a mistress. We met on the Internet. I had a gaping hole in my life and she was able to fill it.

Please do not judge me. Everyone has needs.

I will admit, it was awkward at first. Like the beginning of any relationship, there was the clumsy getting-to-know-you phase where you learn each other's likes and dislikes and what buttons you should and should not push. But soon, we were inseparable. We just fit, you know?

We had a torrid love affair. She was such an unselfish lover. It didn't matter what time of day or night I reached out for her, she was always waiting for me, ready at a moment's notice.

But now she's gone.

On Monday, Zed broke my remote control.

Wait. What did you think I was talking about?

The remote was a One For All universal remote that could control my TV, cable box, DVD player, VCR (if I had one), my surround sound system, and, most importantly, my TiVo (it even had thumbs-up and thumbs-down buttons).

I could not keep that child away from the remote. Must be a guy thing. If I would put it within his reach (i.e. anywhere), he would wait until I wasn't looking and make a beeline straight for it. He would chew on it and beat it against the floor. It's a wonder it lasted as long as it did.

So I bought another One For All remote for $19.99, the same price as the first (Did you know they have remotes that cost $299 (and I'm sure much higher)? What the hell do they control? Missile silos? If you have $299 you can spend on a remote, how about throwing some scratch my way?). It has the same buttons as the previous model but they are laid out differently. In fact, I think someone who secretly hates television designed this remote because the buttons that should be close together, at least in my opinion, are on opposite ends of the remote.

I need to take this remote back to the store.

Or maybe I just need to spend some more time with my new mistress.

By the way, if any of you know of any realistic-looking toy remotes that Zed might like, please let me know (send links if you can find it online). I really don't feel like buying a new remote control every three months.

How To Piss Off Ella With One Little Question

Simply ask her, "What did you get Chag for Mother's Day?"

Then step back and watch the sparks fly!

Update: Our next-door neighbor asked her this question. After Ella snapped his neck and devoured his carcass, I foolishly told her that Zoey's preschool teacher asked me the same thing at the drop-off line.

Luckily, I can outrun my wife.

Last Minute Shopping (Is There Any Other Kind?)

Last week, I asked Zoey what she wanted to get Ella for Mother's Day. She thought she was already golden due to the fact she had brought home so many cute crafts from preschool.

No dice, babe.

So what did she want to get her mom?

Flowers? Nope.

Candy? Guess again.

A flashlight. Because nothing says thank you for carrying me for nine months and loving me unconditionally like a flashlight.

I will never figure out how that child's mind works.

Zed, Zoey, and I headed to Target on Saturday morning (Shut up! Life's been way too hectic lately for my taste.). We maneuvered our way to the card section and picked though the remains of the Mother's Day cards with all the other slackers. Next, we headed to the electronics department.

I had threatened to get Ella a copy of Monster Ballads for Mother's Day because even though she claims she hates that type of music and says it's "redneck," I think she secretly jams to this in her car when no one is watching. But we opted for the Grey's Anatomy DVD instead.

And then we went to the camping section to pick up a flashlight. I almost wrote something like You light up my life. Love, Zoey on the package, but wisely decided against it due to the extreme cheese factor.

Quick question for the ladies: how did Patrick Dempsey become a heartthrob? Is he simply part of the George Clooney Theory that states if you put a marginal 80s actor in scrubs, he inexplicably gets elevated to Hunk Status? I need answers.

Stuff Only I Care About XI

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The Yankees went 4-2 this week and despite losing two of three to Boston, are now 21-13 and have a half-game lead on Boston in the AL East.

In those six games, the starting pitchers were 4-1 with a combined ERA of 2.89.

TODAY, JARET WRIGHT ONLY GAVE UP TWO RUNS IN FIVE AND A THIRD INNINGS (this is not a typo).

The Yankees are a Johnny Damon injury away from a AAA outfield. Scary thought.

Alex Rodriguez has homered in three of his last four games.

The Yankees are 10-3 in their last thirteen games, a .769 winning percentage.

All three of those losses were to the Red Sox.

Does This Make Sense To You?

In a perfect world, there would be more people angry about the Bush administration's domestic wiretapping "program" than people angry about Chris Daughtry getting voted off American Idol.

Pygmalion's Wife

Back in November, I came across this fantastic website. It was written by a woman who poured her heart and soul into every word. This very talented writer suffered one personal tragedy after another after another after another (etc., etc., etc.). Yet she continued. And she had the guts to write about it all and somehow managed to pepper her adventures with humor (this is the part where if I wasn't such an illiterate moron, I'd equate her work with some famous author you might be familiar with).

It was through her former site that I learned it was possible to care and worry about someone I didn't really know.

She went away for a while but now she's back. I urge you all to check out Pygmalion's Wife.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Dad Gone Mad comes face to face with a cheetah.
• Emily learns it's always a good idea to check the mirror before running out the door.
• Mir throws her daughter the coolest birthday party ever.
• The Sarcastic Journalist searches for a babysitter.
• The Weirdgirl discovers the world's first metrosexual.
  

Mother's Day Bloggect

Kara's Mother's Day Bloggect has come to an end. Here are the great Mother-related posts from the second week:

• Anthropologist For Corporate America: On Being a Motherless Child
• Bedrest and Beyond!: Mother's Day
• Cape Buffalo: My Margarets
• Chaos Theory: Balancing the priorities
• Child's Play x2: If a mommy were President...
• The Dog's Breakfast: Damn You, Hallmark
• Friday Playdate: Searching for Claire Huxtable
• Girl's Gone Child: To all the Mothers I have Loved Before
• Grumppopotamus: Merely Mortal Mommy
• IFLYG: Mother's Day, part 1: My Mom and Yoyo's Ma
• Inconceivable: Mother Missing A Heart
• Issa's World: Mother's Day Collaboration
• La La La: Changing of the Guards
• Morphing into Mama: I Am My Mother's Daughter
• Mrs. Big Dubya: Irish Mrs. Brady
• Nothing To See Here: A mom by any other name loves just as much
• Roc Rebel Granny: Happy Mother's Day (Part I) and Happy Mother's Day (Part II)
• So Close: Mother's Day
• So the Fish Said: My mother, myself
• Thinking About...: What Kind of Mom Am I?
• The Weirdgirl: To All Moms
• And of course, I had to come along and ruin the entire thing with my usual dreck.
  

And if you weren't paying attention in the beginning, here are the posts from the first week:

• Beyond First Impressions: May is for Mothers
• Cheeky's Hideaway: Mother. There Is No Other. Like Mother. So Treat Her Right.
• Home On The Fringe: Mom, as you can see, some things NEVER change.
• It's Not All Mary Poppins: Musings on Motherhood
• MetroDad: In Praise of All Mothers!
• Misfit Hausfrau: Mom
• Motherhood Uncensored: A Tribute to Mothers of the Southern Persuasion
• Mr. Big Dubya: Moms
• Pet Cobra: In Her Slipstream
• Sarah And The Goon Squad: Mommies and Mommy's Mommy
• Suburban Misfit: You'll always be 'baby' to me
  

I'd like to wish all the moms reading this a very happy and peaceful Mother's Day.

Stacy's Mom May Have It Goin' On But...

When Kara first approached me about writing something for her Mother's Day Bloggect, I was hesitant. I could write about the very healthy relationship I have with my own mother. Or I could write about my wife, Ella, who I have watched over the years morph from a girlfriend to a wife to a loving and caring mother. But I'm not too hot at writing mushy, from-the-heart stuff, so I decided to switch gears.

I have decided to find the coolest mother immortalized in song.

THE RUNNERS-UP

LL Cool J Mama Said Knock You Out
Look. I've got dads in my neighborhood encouraging their sons to fight. I thought mothers were more civil. Guess I was wrong.

Fountains Of Wayne Stacy's Mom
Who exactly is Stacy's Mom? Is she Rachel Hunter, exposing a new generation to Fast Times At Ridgemont High fantasies and single-handedly defining MILF? Or is she the soccer mom from the Dr. Pepper commercials? Until we can get a definite answer, the jury's out.

Queen Bohemian Rhapsody
This mother is kind enough to listen to her son's homicidal confession. She could've been a contender for the coolest mother crown if I could just rid my mind of the images of Wayne and Garth headbanging to the song.

Queen Tie Your Mother Down
Any mother that has to be tied down is definitely not cool. Unless you're her husband.

Pink Floyd Mother
Most Domineering Mother Ever. Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you? Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you? Mama will always find out where you've been? Actually, this sounds like the type of father I'm going to be to Zoey. Definitely not cool.

Willie Nelson Mammas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys
Seriously. Haven't these women seen Brokeback Mountain?

Slade Mama Weer All Crazee Now
To even be considered in the running for coolest mother immortalized in song, your children must be able to spell simple words.

Lenny Kravitz Always On The Run
Bonus points for hanging with George Jefferson. Negative points for speaking like a fortune cookie (It's good to be fruitful, Your life is a gift). No wonder Lenny was always running from her.

AND THE WINNER IS

Ray Wylie Hubbard Redneck Mother
Her son is drinking at a honky-tonk, kicking hippies' asses and raising hell at thirty-four? Sounds like the good life to me. That woman is a Mother Of The Year candidate. Plus, this song includes the following poem applicable to mothers everywhere:

M is for the mud flaps she gave me for my pickup truck
O is for the oil I put on my hair
T is for T-Bird
H is for Haggard
E is for Eggs
R is for Redneck

***
The preceding was part of Kara's Mother's Day Bloggect. Be sure to check out the other entries as well (which are all much more interesting than mine).

Talk Dirty To Me

Elmo and Zoey were in my backyard, swinging and singing.

Elmo and Zoey: Four little monkeys jumping on the bed!
Elmo and Zoey: One fell off and bumped his!
Zoey: Head!
Elmo: BUTT!

Zoey laughed hysterically. She's going to be the death of that poor kid, or at the very least, cause him to do some jail time. When he does something outrageous, she laughs like it's the funniest thing she's ever seen, which only makes him up the ante and do something even more outrageous.

Elmo's mother, however, was far from amused.

"Elmo!" she yelled. "Didn't we have a talk about naughty words?"
"Yes, Mommy," he replied.
"If I hear that kind of talk out of you again, we're going home."

Five minutes later...

Elmo and Zoey: Four little monkeys jumping on the bed!
Elmo and Zoey: One fell off and bumped his!
Zoey: Head!
Elmo: WEINER!

Zoey laughed. Elmo laughed. I snickered (I am not a good role model for these kids). Elmo's mommy did not.

"ELMO!" she screamed. "You don't even know what that word means! And if you do, I don't want you teaching it to Zoey!"

I think Elmo's ready for my Masturbation Mixtape.

Yet Another Whinefest From Me

I realize I've got a great gig here. I get to stay with my kids all day long, teach them things, play with them, and care for them. I'm here for a lot of the firsts that Ella misses because she is at work.

I also get away with more than stay-at-home mothers do. If people see me in a store with both kids crying and screaming, they think to themselves, "Poor guy." My wife, on the other hand, can be in the same predicament and will only be greeted with angry glares from people who are thinking, "Can't that woman control her kids?"

But then something comes along that makes me realize things are not as great as I'd like to think. Some people still do not respect a man who cares for his children.

So please allow me to bitch.

Last month, I suggested Leave Your Kids At Home While You Go Out And Get Trashed Day as an alternative to Take Your Daughters And Sons To Work Day. Thanks to Blogging Baby, I found that such a day currently exists.

Only there's no drinking involved.

Or stay-at-home dads.

Jen Singer, of MommaSaid.Net, created Please Take My Children To Work Day. Celebrated on June 26th, governors from Hawaii, Kentucky, Michigan, New Jersey, and Wisconsin have made this an official holiday. Pass the party favors!

Unfortunately, I wasn't invited to the party.

According to the site, the holiday is "for at-home moms." Singer states "Stay-at-home moms are on duty an average of 100 hours a week with no sick days, no vacation days and until now, no holidays." Where's the love for us stay-at-home dads? We're doing the same things stay-at-home moms are doing, Ms. Singer.

To be fair, Singer does mention dads 1,457 words into the document: "Please Take My Children to Work Day is an honest-to-goodness day off for moms and dads like you who could use a little time to yourselves (the words mom and mother are represented a combined twenty-six times in the document prior to the first mention of dad)." The statement is part of a sample flyer designed to get the word out about the holiday. However, you're supposed to distribute this flyer to "moms at pre-school pickup" and "at your mother's group meeting." So apparently, stay-at-home dads are allowed to celebrate the holiday, they're just not supposed to be made aware of its existence.

I thought we were all in the same boat? If someone suggested Take Your Daughters And Sons To Work Day should be exclusively for working fathers to take their children to work one day out of the year, heads would roll. That holiday is not exclusionary; why is yours, Ms. Singer?

Ella says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill on this issue. She says I shouldn't let crap like this get to me.

Your thoughts?

More Bellyaching About Being A SAHD:
No Dads Allowed! This Means YOU!
Me v. Them
Don't Tell Me How To Raise My Kids And I Won't Tell You Your Eyebrows Make You Look Like A Clown

Stuff Only I Care About X

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The Yankees went 5-1 this week (I seem to have forgotten who their sole loss was against) and are now 17-11, mere percentage points ahead of Boston in the AL East.

The Yankees start a three-game home series against the Boston Red Sox on Tuesday night. Wednesday and Thursday's game are on ESPN and ESPN2, respectively, so all my Red Sox friends are welcome to come over and watch the Yankees win.

A Few Words On The Antichrist Johnny Damon

I don't understand all the hate that gets directed Johnny Damon's way. I don't remember Red Sox fans calling him a traitor when he came to Boston from Oakland.

Johnny Damon is receiving thirty percent more money from the Yankees than what Boston was willing to pay him. Quick question: would you work for your rival for a thirty percent pay increase? If not, you're a moron. Damon may have been an Idiot, but he's definitely no moron.

That said, as I told Rebecca from Girl's Gone Child earlier this week, if Derek Jeter ever jumped ship, I would be furious and foaming at the mouth. But you know what? I highly doubt that will ever happen. George Steinbrenner will not let that happen. That's the difference between the two teams.

In closing, here are some more traitors for you: Bronson Arroyo, Mark Bellhorn, Orlando Cabrera, Alan Embree, Derek Lowe, Pedro Martinez, Doug Mientkiewicz, Kevin Millar, Bill Mueller, Pokey Reese, Curtis Leskanic, Dave Roberts, and Mike Myers (Doug Mirabelli was also a traitor until last Monday). All were members of the 2004 World Series team. All are now gone.

And If You Aren't Tired Of Me Going On And On About Sports Yet (But At Least This Has Nothing To Do With The Yankees)

I finally posted something over at Draft Day Suit. It's a cynical look at why the Houston Texans were wise not to pick Reggie Bush.

Dave Pirner Lives

I'm probably the last person on Earth that cares about this band, but Soul Asylum will be releasing a new album, The Silver Lining, on 07.11.06. Jefitoblog has posted the first single, Stand Up And Be Strong.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Dave takes a look at pain charts and creates other helpful charts.
• Dave takes the Dummies books to the next level (I don't usually double-dip, but both of those entries were hilarious).
• Emily learns it's not a good idea to let her dirty laundry accumulate.
• Freezio examines the psychedelic world of a preschooler.
• Lucinda uncovers rejected revisions to What to Expect The Toddler Years (this is one of the funniest things I've read in some time).
  

Mother's Day Bloggect

If you haven't been following Kara's Mother's Day Bloggect, you've missed these great Mother-related posts:

• Beyond First Impressions: May is for Mothers
• Cheeky's Hideaway: Mother. There Is No Other. Like Mother. So Treat Her Right.
• Home On The Fringe: Mom, as you can see, some things NEVER change.
• It's Not All Mary Poppins: Musings on Motherhood
• MetroDad: In Praise of All Mothers!
• Misfit Hausfrau: Mom
• Motherhood Uncensored: A Tribute to Mothers of the Southern Persuasion
• Mr. Big Dubya: Moms
• Pet Cobra: In Her Slipstream
• Sarah And The Goon Squad: Mommies and Mommy's Mommy
• Suburban Misfit: You'll always be 'baby' to me
  

Teach Your Children Well: Music To Learn By, Vol. 1

A few weeks ago, Dutch posted an hour's worth of kid-friendly music that wasn't necessarily recorded for children. It was a fun and eclectic mix and my children and I enjoyed listening to it, although none of us cared for the Neil Young number.

That mix is great for smaller children. However, since my daughter is sixteen months away from starting kindergarten, the days of doing things solely for entertainment value are over. Now, every activity must be a learning experience as well.

Television has served us well and has taught Zoey a large number of things, but we've pretty much milked that cow for all it's worth. So I'm turning to music.

Books will be used only as a last-ditch effort. Reading to your kids is soooo 1953.

I have always believed that music is a great teaching aid. When I was in school, I had trouble memorizing facts, numeric constants, and terminologies. Needless to say, biology and history classes were nightmares for me.

Yet I think I know the lyrics to 416,791 songs.

When I was in high school, I was forced required to learn Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy. Knowing damn well I could have read that thing a gazillion and a half times and would never retain a thing, I hooked up my synths and drum machine and recorded a rap version of the monologue. After a weekend of listening to the tape, I was able to flawlessly recite the speech.

Still can.

So to help Zoey learn various topics, I have gone though the massive CD collection at Casa Cynical and grouped songs by subject matter. I have songs about cars, songs about love, songs about war, etc., ready to go when the need arises.

But since I love you guys so much, I've decided to share my playlists so your children can also learn these subjects as well. Unfortunately, I do not know how to set up one of those fancy-schmancy iPod-looking things that Dutch uses. But most of the songs I'll be using are fairly mainstream, so you should have no trouble tracking them down and may have them in your collection already.

To kick things off, I've decided to cover a subject near and dear to everyone's heart.

Ten Songs About Masturbation

Billy Idol Dancing With Myself
Billy Idol (1982)
I remember there was a boy at my middle school with Billy Idol hair. All the chicks dug him. After high school, he came out of the closet.

I think I was out of high school before I realized this song was about masturbation. I thought it was about dancing. I was/am a moron.

Violent Femmes Blister In The Sun
Violent Femmes (1983)
Gordon Gano claims this song is not about masturbation. I stain my sheets? Big hands, I know you're the one? Whatever.

Cyndi Lauper She Bop
She's So Unusual (1983)
Was she trying to invent her own terminology for female masturbation? If so, it didn't stick. I've never heard a girl call it she-bopping, have you?

I revisited this album a few weeks ago and I feel it is one of the best albums to come out of the early 80s. You can keep your Madonna. I'll take Cyndi any day.

I think I was out of high school before I realized this song was about masturbation. I thought it was about dancing. I was/am a moron.

Faith No More Epic
The Real Thing (1989)
Could you imagine if this album had come out in 1999 instead? They would have been H-U-G-E. Sadly, they're probably best known for having Bjork's dying fish in their video.

Crispin Hellion Glover Auto-Manipulator
The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be. (1989)
George McFly raps! This song, like the rest of the album (which includes an over-the-top cover of These Boots Are Made For Walking), is a glorious mess.

Note to Hollywood: Fill all your bit roles with Mr. Glover. Everything goes better with Crispin! Why do you think everyone went to see Charlie's Angels? Was it because it starred three hotties wearing skintight or skimpy outfits throughout the entire flick? All the action and big explosions? To see if a guy known primarily for his work with music videos could direct an entire movie? Nope, nope, and nope. They were there to see Crispin.

Mr. Bungle The Girls Of Porn
Mr. Bungle (1991)
Mike Patton's second time on this list! There is no doubt what this song's about; it sounds like you're listening to a porno through most of the song.

This whole album is twisted, both musically and lyrically. Two thumbs up!

Jellyfish He's My Best Friend
Spilt Milk (1993)
I loved Jellyfish and later, Imperial Drag. Never understood why this band didn't get more attention from the public. They wrote some catchy tunes during their short career.

Green Day Longview
Dookie (1994)
Can you believe Green Day's still going strong (if not stronger) twelve years later? They're like the Bon Jovi of pop punk.

Liz Phair Turning Japanese
Juvenilia (1995)
This is probably the most well known song about masturbation. Although originally recorded by The Vapors, I prefer Liz's version. Something about Liz Phair and masturbation go hand-in-hand.

Nirvana Spank Thru
From The Muddy Banks Of The Wishkah (1996)
This is rumored to be Nirvana's very first song. I can't think of any better subject to kick off your musical career. This song did not see the light of day until the release of this live album. A demo version later turned up on 2004's With The Lights Out.

B-Sides (Honorable Mentions)

Divinyls I Touch Myself
Divinyls (1991)
I loathe this song. It is only included here because it is one of the most popular songs about masturbation.

The Pixies Holiday Song
Come On Pilgrim (1987)
This song mentions masturbation but is really about *ahem* more questionable material. But it's the Pixies, so anytime you can include them on a mix tape, you do so. I dare you to find a cooler song about incest.

Prince Darling Nikki
Purple Rain (1984)
Despite the fact that it has only one line that deals with masturbation, this song has to be included just for the simple fact that it got Tipper Gore's panties all in a bunch and eventually led to those Parental Advisory stickers that make CDs so appealing to thirteen-year-olds.

Iron Butterfly In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (1968)
I really have no idea what this song it about. Picnics? Economics? Masturbation is as good an interpretation as any.

So... did I leave your favorite masturbation song off the list?

How To Reconnect With Your Neighborhood (Another Exercise in Haiku)

Winter is over.
Springtime brings everybody
Outdoors once again.

How does one try to
Awaken relationships
From hibernation?

Cookout? Ball game? What
Makes your neighbors come calling?
This in your driveway:


They peer out windows.
Gawk as they drive by your home.
They speak in hushed tones.

They ring your doorbell
Or stop as you're mowing or
Playing with the kids.

Nosy Caring neighbors and
Ones you didn't know you had
Ask the same questions.

First question's always:
"Is everybody ok?"
"Wife's a little bruised.

Got back spasms, too.
But it's nothing a little
Alcohol won't cure."

Second question is:
"Were the children in the car?"
"Thankfully, they weren't."

Third question isn't
A question at all; only
"They really hit her.

Judging by the dent,
It looks as if they hit her
Without slowing down!"

Tired of this exchange,
All I can do is reply,
"Thanks for dropping by!"

Satisfied, they leave
With just one piece of gossip:
"Chag needs a haircut."

Related:
Get Thee Behind Me, Spawn Of Satan (An Exercise In Haiku)

This Glass Slipper Was Obviously Made Out Of Plastic

We were eating dinner with my Mom on Saturday night at a tiny diner. Well, I should say Ella, Zed, my Mom, and I were eating dinner. Zoey was bouncing up and down in her seat, excited to be with her Granny.

Suddenly, Zoey froze. Her jaw dropped.

"What's wrong, Zoey?" I said.

"It's-it's-it's Cinderella and Prince Charming! Look Mommy! Cinderella! Look Daddy!" We all turned around to see what she was so excited about.

Two teenagers had just walked in the door for their pre-prom meal.

"He's taking her here before the prom?" I said to Ella. "Dude is sooooo not getting laid tonight."

"Chag! Maybe this was all they could afford." Ella replied.

I felt like a major jerk until I noticed the white limo in the parking lot. "If they can afford to fly solo in a limo (I think we piled forty-eight people in our limo for my Senior prom; it was like a clown car), they could afford to go to Chili's or Outback at the very least."

Red Sox 1, Yankees 0

One thing I love about my neighborhood is watching baseball with the guys.

Despite the fact that I live in the South, I was lucky (unlucky?) enough to move into a neighborhood where T-H-R-E-E of my closest neighbors are Red Sox fans. We get together in my neighbor's garage, drink a few beers, watch the game, and talk smack. And there was plenty of smack-talking going on tonight. But somewhere around the bottom of the eighth inning, the smack-talking started getting old (at least for me).

After my fearless and, unfortunately, wrong prediction on Saturday, I fully invite all the Sox fans to pile on and give me hell. I deserve it.

I'd also like to tip my hat to Paige and Arwen (you owe me an email), both of whom admitted to being Red Sox fans. Congratulations, ladies. The first step of recovery is admitting you have a problem.

And remember... tomorrow's a brand new day game.

Since We're Talking Sports

Draft Day Suit, a sports opinion site, debuted today. Who's involved? The Kaiser and the people behind Child's Play x2, Marginally Clever, Mommy at Work, Cheeky's Hideaway, Mr. Big Dubya, Live From The Wang Of America, Sarah and the Goon Squad, Kemp's Blog, Scott's Rant Spot, and Queen of Spain. They needed the token obnoxious Yankees fan, so I'm along for the ride as well.

I'll also be contributing Kara's Mother's Day Collaboration. Look for my mother-related post next week.

Related:
The New Clubhouse