Fight Club Junior

The first rule of Fight Club Junior is you do not talk about Fight Club Junior.

The second rule of Fight Club Junior is YOU DO NOT TALK about Fight Club Junior.

Third rule of Fight Club Junior -- if your child is not directly involved, walk away and pretend you didn't see a damn thing.

If only I would have followed rule #3.

I am Jack's enormous regret.

There are two and a half boys in our neighborhood that attend kindergarten. The half of a boy? His parents are divorced, so he (KidA we'll call him) lives with his Mom for two weeks. And then he comes to our neighborhood and lives with his Dad for two weeks. He and one (KidB) of the other two kindergarteners do not get along. At all. Unfortunately, they're also next-door neighbors. At least for two weeks out of every month.

I am Jack's utter lack of backstory.

Two weeks ago, Zoey, Zed, and I were in a neighbor's backyard. Zoey was playing with her friend Elmo. There was also a group of other children, which included KidA and KidB, playing in the backyard. I was busy watching Zoey and trying to push Zed's stroller through the woods (you guys can have your Bugaboos; I'll take my Graco MetroLite All-Terrain stroller). I heard some yelling and turned around. KidB was running after KidA with a baseball bat.

Welcome to Suburbia.

KidB threw the baseball bat at KidA but missed. KidB continued to chase KidA. I ran over and stepped in. "Guys, you're friends (which I knew was a lie). Friends don't treat friends that way." They both looked at me with disgust. But at least they stopped fighting.

KidA's Dad came out of the house. He's a salesman, so he only works half-days when he has custody of his kid. He asked me what happened. I told him, "I don't know what started it or who might have thrown the first punch. When I turned around, KidB was chasing after your son with a baseball bat." Then KidA's Dad started yelling at all of the kids.

"You guys are always bullying my son! What is your problem?" Of course, his yelling brought KidB's Mom out of her house. And then KidB's Mom began yelling at KidA's Dad by yelling at her own son. "KidB, come home. We don't want to upset anyone's parent." It was at this point I was wishing I was invisible.

I am Jack's utter lack of invisibility.

KidB's Mom then came over to talk to me. "What happened?" she asked. I told her the exact story I had told KidA's Dad. Just as I was finishing, we heard more yelling. All the kids were in the clubhouse, holding the door shut so KidA could not enter. Poor little bastard.

This, of course, set off KidA's Dad even more.

I am still Jack's utter lack of invisibility.

He began another tirade about how the whole neighborhood terrorizes his child. Look, neither kid is an angel. I've seen both kids act like jerks to other children in the neighborhood.

KidB's Mom had enough and took KidB inside. I took my kids home, glad the ordeal was over.

I am Jack's utter lack of prognostication.

The next morning, KidB's Dad came over to my house and wanted to hear my side of the story. For the third time, I explained what I saw. He told me that KidA's Dad was threatening to tear down the clubhouse.

The clubhouse was "community property." It was built by KidA's Dad and KidB's Dad on common property which is directly behind KidA's Dad's backyard. All the kids in the cul-de-sac play in the clubhouse. I was a little pissed that he was talking about tearing it down.

KidB's Dad also told me that KidA's Dad was teaching KidA how to fight. KidB's Dad's reaction? He began training his son to fight as well. It's like they're gearing up for some boxing match or something. The Scuffle In Suburbia. The Clash In The Cul-De-Sac.

I am Jack's utter lack of wit.

I told KidB's Dad to sit down and have a chat with KidA's Dad. Open a few beers and hash things out. He agreed that this would be the best course of action.

On Wednesday, I asked KidB's Mom how things were going. She told me that KidA's Dad had been patrolling the perimeter of his yard, making sure that no child entered his yard. He hadn't been keeping the kids out of the clubhouse, though. So I took that as a good sign that eventually all the bad feelings would blow over.

Yesterday, when I was taking the kids for a walk, I noticed KidA's Dad tearing down the clubhouse.

Time to move.

I am Jack's ulcer.

GHS: Plenty, but none were caused by my kids