Can Someone Cue Auld Lang Syne?

It's that time of year when everyone reflects on the past year and publishes top ten lists. Is there room on the bandwagon? Good.

TOP TEN FILMS OF 2005

I love movies. There was a time when I'd drive thirty miles to see a flick because our Mainstream Multiplex Of Crap wasn't carrying it. Now? I think I saw one movie in the past year. And I don't even remember what it was. We don't rent movies, either. But we do subscribe to ALL the movie channels, so I watch a lot of movies (late at night; it pays to be an insomniac) the rest of you saw two years ago.

So if you've been trapped in the bottom of a well for a while, drop me a line if you'd like some movie recommendations.

TOP TEN BOOKS OF 2005

Hmm. I can't remember the last time I read a book. I might've reread Breakfast of Champions or a Tom Robbins novel during one of my more severe bouts with insomnia, but that's about it.

Wait! I did receive two Su Doku books for Christmas. Does that count?

TOP TEN CDS OF 2005

This top ten thing is starting to look like a bad idea. I love music and there was a time when I would buy at least two CDs a week. Now, other things are more important. I believe the last CD I bought was Jump and Jive With Hi-5, if that tells you anything.

TOP TEN TELEVISION SHOWS OF 2005

Finally, something I can truly comment on! Here's my list:

1. Deadwood
2. My Name Is Earl
3. Curb Your Enthusiasm
4. Real Time With Bill Maher
5. Penn & Teller: Bullshit!
6. The Boondocks
7. Entourage
8. Huff
9. The Office
10. Starved
11. The Showbiz Show With David Spade

Sorry. Like Spinal Tap, I like to crank it up to eleven.

I watch entirely too much television.

TOP TEN CYNICAL DAD POSTS OF 2005

I was really expecting USA Today to tackle this but apparently they're too busy. Anyway, in the left sidebar, I posted a list of what I felt were my best entries of 2005.

I am that vain.

Some of you probably feel that list should be empty.

Judging by the fact that there are only two posts on that list from the past two months, I've apparently been phoning it in lately. Sorry. I suck.

RESOLUTIONS

What would an end-of-year post be without a couple of resolutions?

1. I resolve to stop phoning it in.
2. I resolve not to do any top ten lists at the end of 2006.
   

Hope everyone has a happy and healthy 2006!

Chrismupchuckkah

FRIDAY 2:05 AM

Zed awoke for his early morning snack. Yes, he still wakes in the middle of the night to feed. Don't. Judge. Us.

But instead of eating, he decided to vomit instead.

And vomit.

And vomit.

And vomit. Four times in a half-hour period. Fun stuff!

Concerned, we called the twenty-four hour nurse line through our pediatrician's office. We knew he just had a stomach virus; we were just unsure if we should feed him or just give him water. The nurse went through the usual line of questioning and then asked Ella if Zed had fallen on his head recently. Um, yeah. About ten times a day or so. He sits on the floor, gets excited, and gravity takes over. His head's "like an orange on a toothpick," for God's sake. So when Ella answered truthfully, they became concerned that he had a concussion.

I knew he wasn't concussed; he was alert, playing, and "talking" to us. But that didn't seem to matter to the nurse. She told us the doctor at the hospital would call us shortly. Normally, it takes about ninety minutes to hear from a doctor.

Our family doctor called us ten minutes after we hung up with the nurse. He was concerned at first, but after I assured him he was very alert and was moving around fine, he diagnosed it as one of the many stomach bugs that were going around.

Besides, could you have seen us going to the emergency room with a baby with a possible concussion and a three-year-old with a black eye? Paging Social Services! Paging Social Services! Ella and I would've spent Christmas in jail.

FRIDAY 10:00 AM

Since Zed had not vomited in the past eight hours (it had now evolved (devolved?) into diarrhea), I left Ella and the kids at home and set out bravely to do our last minute shopping. I still had to buy presents for Ella, my uncle, and a few presents for Zed.

Did I see you at Toys "'R" Us on Friday? No? That's hard to believe because I thought EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD WAS THERE. They had five Drop & Roar Dinosaurs left. Unfortunately, all five boxes looked like they had been thrown in the cage with that gorilla that used to test Samsonite luggage. I picked the least mangled box, a toy phone, and headed to the checkout area.

There was one big line of people with shopping carts on each side of the store. Each line then channeled into several register lines as they moved closer. However, people without carts were able to freely move into the inside lanes without having to wait with the cart people. This caused a lot of animosity from the cart people towards the cartless people. At one point, a cart lady who had finally had enough grabbed a gift card off the rack, and slashed the throat of a cartless gentlemen who had just jumped in front of twenty people.

Ok. That didn't really happen. But a guy can dream. But I did see a lady jump out of her car and start screaming at someone behind her as I was leaving the parking lot. Christmas spirit, indeed.

I then went to Target & Michael's to pick up some gift cards. And judging by the tumbleweeds blowing around inside Michael's, no one is getting crafty crap for Christmas.

Anyway...

I had two more missions left. I had to buy Ella something at the mall. I also had to buy my uncle some t-shirts with cartoon characters on them. My uncle is mentally handicapped, and every year he likes to receive t-shirts with various Looney Tunes characters on them. Well, I went to several stores and two different malls. Apparently, you can't buy a t-shirt that doesn't feature something regarding weed, alcohol, sex, or Napoleon Dynamite. It was a funny movie, but does anyone want to walk around in a t-shirt with his funny looking mug, emblazoned with the phrase "Flippin' Sweet?" Judging by the mounds of inventory that was still available, the answer is no.

I was able to find him a few t-shirts at the Disney Store. I returned home around 9:50 PM.

SATURDAY 5:30 AM

Zed awoke for his early morning feeding (again, don't judge!). I decided to celebrate the occasion by vomiting. I rested on the couch all day, moaning like a little baby (hey, I'm a guy!), between my frequent trips to the bathroom.

SUNDAY 4:35 AM

Not to be outdone, Ella decided to vomit.

SUNDAY 7:30 AM

Zoey woke the house up. IT'S CHRISTMAS! EVERYONE OUT OF BED!

We dragged our sorry butts downstairs. Ella rested on the couch, trying to garner some Christmas enthusiasm for the kids. I handed Zoey the presents, one by one. She was the only healthy one, so she tore into them with enough vigor for all of us. She had gotten so much Disney Princess and Barbie stuff it looked like someone had puked cotton candy (I know, bad analogy) all over the floor. I (tried to) play all day with the kids while Ella rested. I was miserable, Ella was miserable, and Zed was miserable. But Zoey was having the time of her life!

THE SAPPY ADDENDUM

Despite Zed, Ella, and I being sick this Christmas, we really did have a great Christmas. Normally, we open gifts at our house Christmas morning. Then we drive thirty miles to my Mom's house at 11:00 AM to have lunch and open presents. Then we drive two hours to Ella's parents' house for dinner and more presents. This year we couldn't do all that hectic crazy stuff because we were sick. We all got to stay in one place and celebrate Christmas all day together. It was nice. Even if we all did have diarrhea.

THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

On Christmas Eve, I received the best Christmas present ever. Ella was wrapping presents and I was sprawled out on the recliner, watching television. Zed was playing on the floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him crawl! "Ella!" I screamed, "Zed crawled!" We stared at him for a few more minutes. Finally, he got back down on all fours and crawled a few feet. Ella and I both started clapping and screaming for him.

He just looked at us like we were crazy.

GHS: 0

Because It's Never Really Christmas Until Someone Gets A Black Eye

Guess what? We finally decorated our tree tonight!

We. Are. So. Slack.

We had just finished dinner when Ella turned to me.

Ella: Do you want to put the decorations on the tree?
Me: Do we have to?
Ella: Yes.
Me: Then why did you ask me?
Ella: Maybe I wasn't really asking.
Me: I don't want to. Christmas is almost over. We'll just be taking it down again in a few days. Who am I kidding? We all know it'll be up until at least Groundhog Day.
Ella: Too bad.
Me: I'm tired. I don't want to.
Ella: Zoey wants to.

BOOM! BAM! POW! Can you believe she played the Parenting Guilt Card? Isn't that a move usually reserved for grandmothers?

So like a whipped dog good husband and father, I went to the garage and pulled out the boxes of decorations.

I opened the plastic storage box and pulled out the big plastic mistletoe. I hung it up and explained to Zoey that when two people walk under the mistletoe at the same time, tradition dictates that they must kiss. So Zoey and I walked under the mistletoe a few times and kissed. Then she would have Ella and I walk under the mistletoe and kiss. And then it was Zoey and Ella's turn.

You get the whole nauseating picture.

At what age do kids get tired of kisses from their parents? 13? 10? 8? 5? I know it'll happen soon enough, so I try to sneak as many as I can. Truth be told, as independent as Zoey is, I can't believe she hasn't already begun pushing us away.

I began unpacking the ornaments. Zoey immediately began oohing and aahing. See, we have mostly cartoon ornaments. We have characters from Rocky & Bullwinkle, The Simpsons, The Nightmare Before Christmas, various Dr. Seuss stories, Bloom County, Peanuts, and a host of other cartoon-related ornaments. Sadly, all of these were bought before we had children. I could almost hear Zoey thinking, "Wow. We're decorating the tree with toys!" Something tells me we earned major Kiddie Cool Points tonight.

So I would hand Zoey an ornament and she would place it on the tree (with a little help from Ella). We now have a beautifully decorated tree — from three feet down.

But I seriously doubt Ella's inner Martha Stewart will allow the tree to remain that way.

As we were clearing the aftermath, Zoey was jumping on the couch, one of her favorite pastimes. She slipped and her hands landed on the corner of the plastic lid of the ornament box, causing it to flip up and catch her right underneath her eye. The area underneath her eye turned purple and started swelling immediately. And then the tears came.

But since she's a tough cookie, I asked her if she wanted to play some soccer and she immediately stopped crying, hopped off the couch, and came over and started kicking the ball with me.

I did learn one very valuable lesson tonight. After we played soccer for a few minutes, I foolishly decided to take her to the bathroom and show her the damage she had caused. One look in the mirror and she began crying hysterically, claiming "IT HURTS! IT HURTS! IT HURTS!"

I guess there's some truth to the saying "out of sight, out of mind."

GHS: 2 (just because I hate seeing my girl in pain)

The Cynical Dad Xmas 2005 Mix Tape

I love Christmas music. But I've never been too fond of traditional Christmas songs. I find most of them to be too melodramatic and boring. I prefer my Xmas music to have a little more edge to it and often to be offensive and/or bitter. Those of you who might've been bored enough to read my stuff over on DadCentric might've seen the article I wrote about my 2004 Xmas Mix CD. Here's my CD for this year (total running time: 78:01):

SECTION I: THE ATTENTION GRABBER

Like John Cusack's character said in High Fidelity, "The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick it off with a killer, to grab attention."

1. The Vindictives Nuttin' For Christmas
   A punk version of the classic, the song starts out with the singer singing Happy Birthday to Jesus before delving into a third verse which mentions skinning cats, robbery, crack, anal sex, and gunplay. Now if that doesn't get you in the holiday spirit, you're dead to me.

SECTION II: SONGS ABOUT HEARTBREAK

Christmas, for many, can be a very depressing experience. Many take stock of their lives and failed relationships, and contemplate their future.

2. The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl Fairytale of New York
   My all-time favorite Christmas song. First, I love Shane MacGowan's voice. Second, how can you not love a Christmas song that deals with drunk tanks, gambling, failed dreams, and a bitter end to a relationship? Isn't that what Christmas is all about?
3. U2 Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
   I was in a Bono mood this year. See song #7 as well.
4. Ben Folds Lonely Christmas Eve
   This song, written from the Grinch's viewpoint, was recorded for the soundtrack to that God-awful How The Grinch Stole Christmas movie with Jim Carrey.
5. The Ramones Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight)
   A classic that appears on every one of my compilations. But it's got to be the version that starts off slow.
   

SECTION III: THE TRUE MEANING OF XMAS

Christmas is a time to help those less fortunate than yourself.

6. The Kinks Father Christmas
   Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
   Have yourself a good time
   But remember the kids who got nothin'
   While you're drinkin' down your wine
7. Band Aid Do They Know It's Christmas?
   If for no other reason than to hear Bono croon "Well tonight, thank God it's them instead of you." Did anyone hear the remake they did last year with Coldplay, etc.? Utter crap. Can't believe Bono was involved with the train wreck.
8. Eugene Edwards Dear Mom and Dad
   This is a very powerful song. If this doesn't make you want to take all your presents back to the store and give your proceeds to charity, you're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
9. Rufus Wainwright Spotlight On Christmas
   You can measure it in blood
   You can measure it in mud
   Let us say for these twelve days
   Put the measuring away
   Cause it's Christmas
10. Ron Sexsmith Maybe This Christmas
    Despite this song being from the Music From the O.C. Mix 3: Have a Very Merry Chrismukkah soundtrack, it's quite moving and powerful.
11. John Lennon Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
    Can you tell I've been feeling guilty this Christmas? Time to change gears...

SECTION IV: THE COVER SONGS

I loooooove cover songs.

12. Cartel Rocking Around The Christmas Tree
    From the opening Beach Boysesque harmonies, this song rocks.
13. HelloGoodbye Winter Wonderland
    Distorted vocals, cheesy synths & bells, and a liberty with the lyrics make this song one of the better ones I've discovered this year.
14. Unwritten Law Please Come For Christmas
    Despite it being Unwritten Law (ugh!) covering an Eagles (double ugh!) tune, this song is actually pretty cool.
15. My Chemical Romance All I Want For Christmas Is You
    My Chemical Romance is one of my guilty little pleasures. As I said in my original article, if I was fourteen, I'm sure My Chemical Romance would be one of my favorite bands.
16. Luscious Jackson Let It Snow
    I've loved this song ever since I first heard it featured in a GAP commercial. But I've never liked another Luscious Jackson song since. Naked Eye makes my ears bleed.
17. Jill Sobule Merry Christmas From The Family
    This song always ends up on my mix. Maybe it's because it hits a little too close to home.

SECTION V: ORIGINALS

What's better than covering/ruining classic Christmas tunes? Creating your own for future generations to cover/ruin!

18. Bunnygrunt Seasons Freaklings
    I had never heard this song until I heard it playing over the end credits to Bad Santa. I fell in love instantly.
19. Sufjan Stevens Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance!
    Ella hates this song. She says it sounds like "that cult band." Which means to her ears, it sounds like Polyphonic Spree. This is my favorite Xmas song for 2005.
    
20. The Raveonettes The Christmas Song
    Another track from the Music From the O.C. Mix 3: Have a Very Merry Chrismukkah soundtrack. Who knew such a crappy show could spawn such cool Xmas music?
21. The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping
    Who doesn't like this song?
22. Ben Folds Bizarre Christmas Incident
    A song about Santa getting stuck in the chimney and dying. The kids will be sure to love this one!
23. Cracker Merry Christmas Emily
    I have always loved David Lowery, from his early days of Camper Van Beethoven to Cracker. I've probably caught him live (in his various incarnations) at least a dozen times.
24. South Park Swiss Colony Beef Log
    The only holdover from last year's South Park-heavy mix.
25. The Vandals Christmas Time For My Penis
    One of the funniest Christmas songs ever.

SECTION VI: THE SENDOFF

Like any good compilation, you've got to end with a bang!

26. Joey Ramone What A Wonderful World
    Like last year, I end with this song. While not technically a Christmas song, I think it sums up the feelings one experiences during the Christmas season.

There you have it, my overly exhaustive look at a CD I made for myself to enjoy. How narcissistic is that? Do you know any tunes to add to the list that I may not be familiar with? Hook a junkie up, man.

Update: You guys need to check out Because I'm Your Father's Xmas Mix. You can actually listen to his mix. Showoff!

The Grinch's Small Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day

I believe my lack of Christmas spirit has metamorphosed into a deep hatred for my fellow man.

I hate sitting still in traffic for ten minutes in order to go anywhere, watching all the idiots who do not know where they're going aimlessly changes lanes or sit through green lights.

I hate being such a procrastinator that I wait until the absolute last moment to do anything, be it mailing Christmas cards (just did it today), decorating the Christmas tree (still only lights; maybe next Christmas), or buying presents (got the kids taken care of but that's about it).

I hate standing in line with my fellow procrastinators at the post office.

I hate dragging the kids out into the cold weather to go to Target and being unable to find a parking spot in the same zip code.

I hate walking through Target with a screaming infant and a toddler who wants to run off and touch and grab everything she sees.

I hate hearing people say, "Looks like Mom got the day off today."

I hate jumping down these people's throats, telling them, "Mom's at work! And so am I! This is what I do! Am I not allowed to have a bad day? Bite me, Miss Perfect!"

I hate checking my mail and finding Christmas cards from people I forgot to send cards to.

And then I look at the following picture and all the hatred and animosity washes away. I see my beautiful children's smiling faces and everything is right with the world. I am filled with great joy knowing how fortunate I am to be able to stay at home with these two and experience everything with them.

[The photo was here. Sorry. My paranoia got the best of me.]

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
-- Chag, Ella, Zoey, and Zed

Nobody Told Me There'd Be Days Like These

WEDNESDAY 6:35 PM

The phone rings. It's Ella. She's working late. A coworker had just told her that her tire is going flat. Our spare time is flat as well. And in our garage (not that it matters). We are slack. Since Ella has never put air in a tire and it is too cold to take the kids out, she decides to ask another coworker to help her out. He goes to the store, buys two cans of Fix-A-Flat, and puts it in the flat tire. I almost forgot — an ice storm is on the way!

THURSDAY 7:15 AM

Unfortunately, the weatherheads were right: there is 1/4 of an inch of ice on the trees with more falling. Luckily, the roads, other than the bridges, are in good shape. Ella drives to the tire store near her work. She arrives safely. Twenty-four miles on two cans of Fix-A-Flat in sub-freezing temperatures and after it had been sitting all night. This stuff rocks!

THURSDAY 7:55 AM

God, it's cold.

THURSDAY 8:30 AM

I notice a bag of candy sitting on the edge of the counter, easily with the grasp of The Candy Monster (no relation to that blue Sesame Street guy). I push it back.

THURSDAY 8:40 AM

It's really cold. I must be coming down with something.

THURSDAY 8:55 AM

Didn't I just move this bag of candy? I place it at the very back of the counter (again?).

THURSDAY 9:23 AM

I come out of the bathroom to hear the sound of a kitchen cabinet closing. Since all our cabinets have locks on them except the one that holds the trash can (that particular lock is broken), I know Zoey is throwing something away. She waltzes into the room, sees me, and a guilty look appears on her face. "What are you doing?" I ask. "Nothing," comes her muffled reply. I know she has something in her mouth. Anyone care to guess what it is? "What are you eating?" She opens her mouth and shows me a piece of chocolate. I give her a lecture about "if you want a piece of chocolate, you have to ask Mommy or Daddy. You just can't help yourself." I put the chocolate in the cabinet above the counter.

I'm scared. Three years old and she's smart enough to destroy the evidence. I've got a future criminal on my hands.

THURSDAY 11:32 AM

Still cold, I decide to check the thermostat. 64°! No wonder I'm so cold! I flick the switch on an off (hey, rebooting often solves computer problems!), but nothing happens.

THURSDAY 11:40 AM

I debate calling the heating repairman. I decide that something's just frozen in the system. In a few hours, it'll melt and everything will be back to normal.

THURSDAY 12:05 PM

The sleet/ice/freezing rain stops. Thank God!

THURSDAY 1:00 PM

63°.

THURSDAY 2:00 PM

62°.

THURSDAY 2:36 PM

Ella calls. She informs me the four new tires will cost us $550+. Merry Christmas, kids! The front two are yours, Zoey. Zed, you get the back two. I am too ashamed of my own arrogance to tell Ella about the lack of heat in our home.

THURSDAY 3:00 PM

61°. Ella is going to kill me! I should have called the repairman.

THURSDAY 4:07 PM

The heat comes on! As Zoey is fond of saying, "it's a Christmas miracle!" I have no idea where she picked that up. I let her watch entirely too much television.

FRIDAY 6:45 AM

School is cancelled for today?!? Why? It's going to be warm today. I really needed Zoey to go to preschool today.

FRIDAY 8:49 AM

There is no sign of ice on any tree, road, or blade of grass. I knew the schools should've just operated on a delay!

FRIDAY 10:00 AM

I check my email. I came in ninth place (out of fifteen sites) in the Best Parenting Blog Weblog Awards, receiving 3.72% of the vote. Hey, I didn't come in last (like I truly had expected to do)! Dooce won by amassing 27.40% of the vote.

I would like to thank everyone who voted for me. I would also like to thank Susan from Friday Playdate, Tom from In The Schutte House, and M&Co. from My Own Circle of Confusion for actually telling their readers to vote for me. Fools! Just kidding. Thanks.

And to all the Dooce bashers out there? You're just jealous. You're telling me you wouldn't love to support your e-n-t-i-r-e family through your blog? I thought so. It's like some indie hipster who starts hating a band when they become popular. I've never understood that mentality. Doesn't a band that you've dug for a long time that becomes popular one day actually validate your musical taste and credibility? So shut up and give Dooce the love.

FRIDAY 10:15 AM

Reluctantly, I load up the kids for a trip to Target. We n-e-e-d diapers.

FRIDAY 10:35 AM

Since Zoey is behaving quite well (those "Santa is watching" threats work wonders!), we go to the toy section. She points to various toys and tells me "I want that. I want that. I want that." Ah, the perils of consumerism! And at such a young age!

I tell her, "You need to tell Santa Claus what you want when you sit on his lap tomorrow." She replies, "I'll tell him I want everything." A lady near us laughs.

FRIDAY 1:15 PM

Ella's father and mother come to the house. Ella's mother is spending the weekend with us so she can watch Zoey while we get some things done. Namely, Christmas shopping.

FRIDAY 2:10 PM

Zed and I arrive at the pediatrician's office for his nine-month checkup. We're ten minutes early.

FRIDAY 2:50 PM

They call us back from the reception area. They just came back from lunch at 2:00 PM. How can they already be running thirty minutes behind? Someone hates me.

FRIDAY 3:00 PM

I tell the doctor my concerns about Zed's soft spot (it still hasn't closed up and it seems quite big) and his lack of crawling. He attributes both to his size. He's in the 95th percentile in weight, 90th percentile in length, and 95th percentile in head size. GIGANTOR!

The soft spot is not supposed to become hard until children are at least a year old. And since his head is so freaking big, his soft spot is much larger than normal as well. And according to the pediatrician, big babies often crawl later than smaller babies. They've got more to move around.

FRIDAY 9:35 PM

As I flip through last Sunday's newspaper (I'm slack), looking for sales on certain toys (we haven't bought one single Christmas gift; we're slack), I come across something new, something wonderful, something life-altering.

Sudoku!

Why has no one told me about this? I thought you guys loved me. Or at least tolerated me enough to let me know of something that would so wholly satisfy my inner nerd.

There's even a website where you can download a daily puzzle. Life is good.

SATURDAY 9:00 AM

Ella, Zed, and I arrive at Toys "R" Us, along with two thousand of our neighbors. Life is no longer good.

SATURDAY 10:40 AM

We leave Toys "R" Us much poorer than when we arrived. And Zed's receiving mostly hand-me-downs. Poor guy.

SATURDAY 1:15 PM

After we eat lunch with Zoey and Ella's mom, Ella, Zed, and I go to Target for more holiday shopping fun! I have officially lost what little holiday spirit I had.

SATURDAY 5:00 PM

The five of us arrive at the mall (in two separate cars because someone doesn't want a minivan). We circle the lot like vultures, looking for parking spaces. I really hate Christmas.

SATURDAY 5:05 PM

Doesn't anyone want to leave the stupid mall?

SATURDAY 5:10 PM

I finally snag a parking space. Zed and I meet Ella, her mom, and Zoey inside and we head to see Santa.

SATURDAY 5:15 PM

Apparently, Santa's suffering from agoraphobia this year and will only let ten people stand in line at a time. We are given a beeper and told we have a forty-five minute wait. Of course we head to the toy store! Was there ever any doubt?

SATURDAY 6:00 PM

The beeper vibrates. The moment of truth awaits!

Last year, Zoey was too afraid to sit on Santa's lap. She has told me she isn't afraid to see him this year. I have my doubts. I'm really expecting to experience something like this.

But no. Zoey sits on Santa's leg and talks to him. Zed sits happily on Santa's other leg. Both kids smile at the same time for their picture! With all four eyes open! Looking almost directly at the camera!

IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

So miraculous, in fact, that we're probably going to make copies of the picture and use it as our Christmas card to friends and family.

What? You sent yours out weeks ago? Congratulations.

We're slack.

GHS: 0 (it all evens out in the end)

Encyclopedia Zoey And The Case Of The Missing Gingerbread Men

When I pulled up to Zoey's preschool today, I saw her standing next to her friend John. They were both spitting. Tell me again what it's like to have a daughter. Because other than her recent infatuation with All Things Princess, I really have no idea.

I just hope John was already well versed in the subject and Zoey hadn't just taught him the fine art of spitting.

Anyway...

Mrs. Jones brought Zoey to the car. Normally all she will say is something like "Hi, Dad" or "It's time to go mountain climbing again" as she puts Zoey in the car. So when Mrs. Jones said, "Boy, do we have a story to tell you, Dad," my heart sank.

Zoey's a sweetheart (most of the time). She's a good kid (most of the time). But she's also in a gang. She makes her own blood. She's been known to create extreme sports. And then there's the Preschool Fracas of March 2004 that is often alluded to but never discussed. So part of me is always waiting for the other shoe to fall, especially when I pick her up at preschool.

"Uh oh," I said. "What happened?"

Mrs. Jones said, "Tell Dad what you did today." This statement didn't do much to alleviate my fears. Zoey said nothing. Christ, I thought, just get this over with.

"We made gingerbread men cookies today," Mrs. Jones said. Oh? Is that all? Then why are you freaking me out?

"We decorated them and put them in the oven. But when we opened the oven, they were gone," Mrs. Jones added. I looked at Zoey. There were crumbs all over her face. Oh God! She ate everyone's cookies!

"What happened to them Zoey?" I asked. Again, nothing. If she goes to jail later in life, the cops will never pry anything from her in the interrogation room.

"We looked all over the room for them," Mrs. Jones said. "And then we found them by the window. They were trying to jump out the window, weren't they Zoey?" At this point, Zoey started laughing hysterically. And I was able to stop hyperventilating.

I guess I shouldn't be so paranoid. Like I said, she's a good kid. Most of the time.

After she woke up from her nap (yes, she still takes naps; you're jealous, aren't you?), I asked her about the spitting.

"Were you and John spitting?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"We had something in our teeth."

Why do I feel I'll be having a variation of this conversation thirteen years from now?

Old Chag: Why are your eyes red? Have you been smoking pot?
Zoey at 16: No! I just have something in my eye!

GHS: 0 (But Mrs. Jones probably created eight or so)

P.S. Want a laugh? Read this. Mimi's always hilarious, but I think she's outdone herself this time.

Apparently I Didn't Get All The Garbage Out Of My Tiny Little Brain Last Time

Whoever Designed This Toy Hates Parents

Zoey received an early Christmas present from a friend of Ella's yesterday: The Play-Doh Doggy Doctor. We're big fans of Play-Doh around here; it's fun, creative, and since we have hardwood floors, cleanup's a breeze! But this toy? Ugh.

Zoey loves to play doctor, but thankfully Ella and I have been her only patients so far (unlike some children). She is constantly checking my heart, blood pressure, ears, nose, throat, and administering shots with her toy doctor kit. That's some insurance plan I've got!

So this toy would be perfect for her, right? It's got a puppy, Play-Doh, a stethoscope, first-aid kit, tweezers, and a syringe. If they could've figured out a way to throw chocolate and television into the mix, the people at Hasbro would've created kiddie crack!

And we loved playing with it today. Zoey was constantly molding Band-Aids and placing them all over the puppy and me. But when we were done, so was the fun.

I set out to clean the puppy and the doctor's utensils. When you use the syringe, Play-Doh gets stuck in the end, so you have to wait until it dries and then you have to blow it out. But the dog's even worse. There are so many nooks and crannies in the head of the dog that there's no way to get all the dried Play-Doh out of the dog unless you use battery acid. You can blow in its mouth and its ears all you want, but that stuff's stuck.

When she wasn't looking, I added this toy to the Closet of Misfit Toys (a stockpile of "emergency only" toys). Hey, it was either that or put the dog to sleep.

The Slack Update

As of this moment, we still only have lights on our tree. But did I mention we have plenty of excuses?

Always Low Prices, Always A Hassle

Tonight, I went and got our groceries at Wal-Mart. I don't mind going to Wal-Mart. I mean, there's other things I would have preferred doing tonight, like watching Monday Night Football, spending time with Ella, or sleeping. Or gouging out my eyeballs with a spork while simultaneously trying to gnaw off my feet.

When you go to Wal-Mart (at least the one near us), there are certain things you will experience:

• Someone getting into a fight or getting caught shoplifting.
• A broken can of baby food lying on the floor.
• Something on the baby food aisle (a can of juice, a pack of wipes, etc.) opened and used.
• No way to easily navigate the food aisles. Either it's too crowded or they're stocking the shelves. I've kept a journal of best times to go grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. My findings? 4:00 AM on a Wednesday morning and Sunday at 11:00 AM while the non-heathens are in church.
  

Not only do I have to put up with all that crap, but they keep the formula at only one of the checkout lanes (kind of like what they do with the cigs) because too many people were shoplifting/opening it.

Chicks Dig Firemen

What is it about women and firemen? They realize that not all firemen are hunky, shirtless studs, right? Some are ugly, fat, or old, just like any subset of society. Some are all three. I guess it's kind of like the way men picture lesbians. In our minds, they're all saucy redheads having pillow fights (among other things) all day long. Or is that just me?

Well, I found out today that a woman's fascination with firemen starts at an early age.

Normally, Zoey operates under the "What Happens In Preschool, Stays In Preschool" philosophy. But not today. As soon as Zoey entered the car, she was gushing over the firemen and the fire trucks she saw at Fire Safety Day. This continued the entire ride home.

She had two certificates in her backpack. One read, "I Know What To Do When My House Is On Fire." So I asked Zoey what she should do if our house was on fire. She told me, "Don't hide. Go outside!" And then she added, "And then you get a new house." Apparently, the fine people at Nationwide sponsored Fire Safety Day. The other certificate read, "I Know What To Do If I Am On Fire." So I asked her what she should do if she was on fire. Her reply? "Stop, drop, and rock 'n' roll." The Punk Rock Princess strikes again!

Either the people who design the fire safety courses are trying to make their material a little hipper or my daughter's getting her wires crossed somewhere along the way.

A Change Of Scenery

I'm thinking about expanding the focus of this site. I'll still be writing about the kids ninety percent of the time, but I'm thinking about doing some articles on general parenting issues (like I'm some sort of an authority or something) here and there (like I used to do at DadCentric). And maybe some stuff on pop culture. Because I'm a junkie.

The One-Trick Pony

In case you didn't notice the use of the past tense of a certain verb in the previous paragraph, I've decided to stop writing for DadCentric. Life's been hectic around here lately and something had to give. I really enjoyed working with that fine crew. I wish the guys over there continued success and will remain an avid reader of the site. Cheers, mates!

Make Me Laugh

You know, I really enjoy reading the comments you guys leave on this site. They are almost always funnier than the stuff you are commenting on. I often find myself thinking, "Man, I wish I had made that joke." Perhaps a few of you could come over here when I'm writing this stuff?

GHS: 3 (for my daughter becoming smitten with firemen at such an early age)

Clearing Out The Garbage In My Head On A Saturday Morning

They Say You Gotta Crawl Before You Can Walk

Zed turns ten months old soon and still isn't crawling. I'm concerned. Isn't the second child supposed to do things earlier, not later, than the first child?

But it's not too surprising he can't crawl given he has always h-a-t-e-d being placed on his stomach (yet he sleeps on his stomach!). Most of the time he wails if you put him on his stomach. He will sometimes scoot backwards, but as far as crawling? Nada. I've tried placing things just out of reach, and he stretches those little arms as far as they can go, but if he can't reach it with his hands, he's not going to crawl after it.

He does move around on his butt in a sitting position. You don't actually see it happen, but after about five minutes, you think, "Hey, we were on the other side of the room a few minutes ago. How'd he get over here?" Perhaps he has tiny millipede legs or cilia that I cannot see, which he retracts and protracts as necessary.

Luckily, he has his nine-month checkup on Friday (because his Daddy was too slack to make his appointment on time).

Just Slap A Quarantine Sign On The Front Door

Zed's sick now. Luckily, all he has is a fever and a sometimes runny, sometimes stuffy nose (depending on his mood and what goes with his outfit). It seems like someone in this house has been sick for the last thirty-seven days. It's going to be a long winter.

The Epitome Of Slack

Remember how I told you we put our tree together Monday evening? So far, we've strung the lights. No ornaments yet. Pitiful.

I Asked My Mother, "What Will I Be?"

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my kids' futures. Zoey wants to be a teacher, a doctor, or a princess when she grows up. When people see Zed, most exclaim, "Wow, he's going to be a football player when he grows up!" I realize that's just a nice way of saying, "That kid's huge! What are you feeding him?" Personally, I think he should strive to be a DH. More money, longer career, and less chance of serious injury.

All kidding aside, I sometimes wonder if we're pushing Zoey into the creative arts. I'm worried we might be cramming it down her throat. Ella is an artist and I used to be a musician. We have crayons, magic markers, paper, an easel, and several musical instruments in various rooms around the house for Zoey to play with. And she loves them; she's constantly drawing or playing her harmonica or guitar. But I sometimes wonder "Does she love them because she loves them?" or "Does she love them because that's mostly what she's exposed to?" We do have toys for her to play with, but she always seems to come back to the drawing/music.

Or do I just need to chill out and realize that most kids love drawing and music?

And Speaking Of Princesses

I forgot to tell you guys about the Disney On Ice Princess Classics show Zoey attended a few weeks ago. Here's a brief recap:

2 Tickets: $48.00
Parking: $10.00
Souvenir Magic Wand: $16.00
Slushee W/ Souvenir Cup: $10.00
Not Having To See Princesses Or Ice Skating Because You Have A Nine-Month-Old Son Who Would Never Sit Through Such An Event: Priceless

But I was told Zoey loved every minute of the show.

A Little Something To Get You In The Holiday Spirit

Dutch, one of the funniest, hippest, and most intellectual writers out there, alerted his readers on Blogging Baby to one of the greatest collections of holiday photos anywhere: The Scared Of Santa Gallery, which are pictures of various children screaming, crying, and terrified of Santa Claus. Enjoy!

Does Wanting To Murder Someone Else's Kid Make You A Bad Person?

Last night, I was driving up the street to pick up a pizza for dinner. I got to the top of the street and there was a twelve-year-old boy lying on the side of the street, motionless. I stopped the car and just as I was opening the car door, the little jerk jumped up and yelled, "Ha! Ha! Fooled you!" I just muttered something obscene to myself and kept driving. But then I thought, "No, I need to go talk to the little brat and tell him it's not a good idea to be doing that sort of thing." You know, the whole Boy Who Cried Wolf story. So I stopped the car and started backing up. He saw me and ran off into the woods. Punk.

Next time, I'm running over him.

GHS: 0 (at least from my kids, the kid up the street probably gave me 6 or so)

Fake Plastic Trees

As of yesterday, Ella and I still hadn't put out our Christmas decorations. We're slack. Did I mention we put out our Halloween decorations on the 28th of October? This is why we don't put out outdoor lights at Christmas. They'd still be up in mid-July.

This year, we decided to let Zoey help with our Christmas tree. Although she was old enough to help last year, we decided to just do it ourselves because we didn't want to deal with the additional headache to surprise her.

Let me let you in on one of my family's dark secrets: we have a plastic Christmas tree.

Can we still be friends?

I just don't see the point in killing a tree each year. Plus, I have a fear of our house burning to the ground so there's no way I'd be able to sleep during the month of December knowing there's a live tree in my house, just waiting for me to blink so it could burst into flames.

Is it bad when you think trees are plotting against you? Yeah? I thought so.

Ella HATES the tree. H-A-T-E-S it. When we first bought it six years ago, she cried all the way home (just a slight exaggeration). And every year since then, she grumbles and mumbles and curses my birth the whole time we put the tree together. Seriously, if she ever wises up and decides to divorce me, the reason on the papers will be "That Damn Plastic Christmas Tree." Ok, maybe it won't be at the top of the list, but it'll be in the top three.

Anyway...

We both have our own duties when it comes to putting the tree together. Ella fluffs out the branches while I put the base together and then I put the branches on the tree. Zoey was my Official Helper. She was so giddy with excitement last night I thought she was going to fly through the ceiling. As she would hand me parts, her smile grew wider and wider until I thought it would swallow her face.

Ever since we've had the tree, it has a tendency to sway or tilt. If a dust bunny settles on it, it will lean over to one side. If the telephone rings, it will lean over to one side. If you look at it... you get the picture. Well, I don't know if it was divine intervention or just the thorough assistance from my Official Helper, but I actually put the base together correctly for the first time ever. Sad, I know. But hey, this tree's ready for an earthquake this year.

Zoey would hand me the branches to put on the tree. Eventually, we caught up to Ella, so I took a break to play with Zed while Zoey helped Ella fluff branches. She got bored with it after about half a branch, which is fine with me, because no Dad wants his daughter to grow up to be a fluffer.

Zoey eventually became bored with the whole process, because we all know the fun part is putting the decorations on the tree. That's what we've got planned for tonight. What's the over/under on how many ornaments she accidentally breaks? Four sound good?

GHS: 0

Pimping Me, Pimping You

I'm A Tramp

My site has been named a finalist for a Weblog Award in the Best Parenting Blog category. I realize I have no chance of winning this thing. I mean, I'm up against Dooce, Suburban Bliss, and Blogging Baby; sites that probably get more traffic in the time it took me to write this sentence than I get in a week. Not to mention eleven other sites that are probably more worthy of your vote than Cynical Dad. If you feel like voting (for me or any other finalist), click here.

Trench Warfare

There's a new site that was launched last week by Candace, Susan from Friday Playdate, and Mary P from It's Not All Mary Poppins called In The Trenches. Rather than trying to explain to you what the site is about, I'll let site creator Candace take it away:

I want this to be a place where parents of challenging children can come to commiserate and get ideas. I want this to be a place where people who have challenging children in their lives (aunts, uncles, daycare providers, teachers, etc.) can come to share stories, to learn things, and yes, to vent, because those of us who love challenging children need to vent, without judgment. I also want this to be a place where good days can be celebrated.

I think it's a great idea and will be a great resource for parents with challenging kids (or parents with kids who can be challenging at times). Check out In The Trenches.

Because I Don't Write About Bodily Functions Enough

Over at Blogging Baby, Sarah Gilbert posted a story that had me almost crying from laughing so hard. What's worse than misplacing your child? Today's low point: losing my child. Now, with poop.

As If I Haven't Asked Enough From You Already

I posted this the other week at DadCentric and got a few responses, but I'm still undecided. I'm thinking about buying Zoey either a V-Smile or InteracTV for Christmas. Have you had any experience with either of these devices? Is one better than another? My daughter is three, but I would like something that can advance as she does. Or is there something out there now that's better than either of those? Any suggestions/comments are very welcome.

More Fun With Google

Currently, I'm staring at a Google Ad on my site that reads "Get $400 For Your Child." There are days when I wouldn't sell them for any amount of money, days when I'd sell them for a quarter, and days where I'd pay you to take them.

What? That's not what they're talking about? Sorry.

Is There A Way To Segue From Vomit To Fellatio?

Ugh. Sickness has once again ravaged the Cynical Dad household. And I'm too tired to be funny (and you think to yourself, "The rest of the stuff on this site is supposed to be funny?"). I apologize in advance.

After dinner last night, Zoey started complaining of a tummy ache. Ella gave Zoey her bath while she complained and whined the entire time (Zoey, not Ella). Ella put her to bed. Forty-five minutes later, the whining started again. I went in her room and checked on her, but Zoey was just thrashing around in the bed, still asleep but moaning. I didn't think much of it. About five minutes later, the moaning got a little louder.

I went in her room to find her standing on her bed, vomiting all over the place. Fun times!

After she got it out of her system, she seemed to be much better. She wasn't whiny and was talking and giggling while Ella gave her another bath. We changed the sheets on her bed, read her a few more books, and tucked her into bed again.

Twenty minutes later, more vomit!

Since she was now out of linens for her bed, we decided Zoey would sleep with Ella, and I would sleep in the guest bedroom. Ella got her cleaned up and let her watch television (by now it was midnight) in the bed. Thank God for PBS Kids!

Sixty minutes later, more vomit! Of course, nothing was left in her system at this point, so it was the clear kind that of vomit one can really get some distance out of (especially if you retained anything from Physics class).

Another bath. More sheets on our bed. More vomit thirty minutes later (this would be a good point to use the phrase ad nauseam, but it's a little too pun-errific for my tastes, so let's just forget I brought it up, okay?).

The last of the vomiting finally occurred around 5:00 AM. But then our old friend Mr. Fever showed up! She has just been lying around the house all day, taking long, frequent naps. Hell, I wanted to as well after last night's fun, but since Zed is apparently some mutant half-shark-half-man creature and is getting a second row of teeth behind his first row, I had to walk him around the house while Zoey was sleeping. When Zoey was awake, the poor boy would just look at me from either his bouncy seat or his playpen as if to say, "Dude? Over here! Why aren't you carrying me around?"

If I find the Outbreak monkey that has been passing on all these germs to Zoey, I'm gonna... give his mom an angry glare in the preschool parking lot! That'll show 'em!

And On A Lighter Note

Lots of people end up here by doing crazy searches via Google. My favorite Google search term of the week: college fellatio parties. I'm sorry, dude, but you came to the wrong site for that. And if you eventually found what you were looking for on some other site, you are one lucky man.

I miss college.

GHS: 4