Cynical Dad: July 2005

The Quantification of Zed

Posted by Chag on July 30, 2005 at 11:23 PM

Zed is a big boy. He came out of the womb weighing nine pounds fourteen ounces and was twenty-one and a half inches long. And he hasn't stopped growing since. At his four-month checkup, he weighed in at nineteen pounds ten ounces. I'm afraid you might see us one day on one of those Maury Povich obese baby episodes.

Because he's so big and eats so much, I decided to calculate how much he costs us per day, using this simple equation:

x = (diapers used per day) (cost per diaper) + (wipes used per day)(cost per wipe) + (grams of prepared formula used per day)(cost per gram of prepared formula)

CALCULATIONS OF CONSTANTS

(all funds are in US Target dollars)
Formula
A 729g tub costs $23.45. A gram of formula costs 3.22 cents. Each one-ounce serving of prepared formula contains 4.25 g of formula, which has a cost of 13.69 cents.

Diapers
A box of 144 diapers costs $27.82. A diaper costs 19.32 cents.

Wipes
A box of 216 wipes costs $7.16 (they're sensitive wipes because Zed has sensitive skin). A wipe costs 3.31 cents.

So now our formula looks like this:

x = (diapers per day)(.1932) + (wipes per day)(.0331) + (grams of formula per day)(.1369)

CALCULATIONS OF VARIABLES

Formula
On average, Zed eats roughly 34 ounces of prepared formula per day, four ounces at a time.

Diapers
On average, Zed has his diaper changed eighteen times a day. I know what you're thinking. Wow. Between feeding him nine times a day and changing his diaper eighteen times a day, do you have time for anything else? Nope. Just ask poor Zoey. Sometimes I wish I could tie his thing in a knot. I'll be glad when he becomes potty-trained. Of course, then we'll just be hanging out in the bathroom all day unless he learns better bladder control.

Wipes
For some reason, I use 33 wipes a day. That would mean I use almost two wipes with every diaper change, which I don't. So either the people at Pampers are screwing with me and telling me there's more wipes in a box than there actually are or Zoey is stealing them to clean her dolls when I'm not paying attention.

Now that we have our variables, we can revisit our formula:

x = (18)(.1932) + (33)(.0331) + (34)(.1369)

Solving for x, we find that Zed costs $9.22 per day. And that doesn't even include clothing (as he seems to be moving up to a new size every three weeks) or cereal or vegetables (both of which he's still trying to get a taste for). $9.22 per day. Do you know how many Christian Children's Fund kids I could sponsor for that money? Eleven and a half.

All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here

Posted by Chag on July 26, 2005 at 12:20 AM

Hell is other people.—Jean-Paul Sartre

Hell is oneself.—T. S. Eliot

Hell is caring for two sick children.—Chag

It was a lot of fun at my house a few weeks ago. A week before Independence Day, in addition to the lovely artwork she created that day, Zoey brought home a case of Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Disease from her preschool.

It started out with just a low-grade fever. But since Zoey is apt to run parent-panicking fevers of up to 104° with no other symptoms, we were not too concerned. Other than feeling a little bit warm, she was eating fine, sleeping fine, and acting fine. But this was soon to change.

The next afternoon, all hell broke loose. Zed seems like he's been teething since he was two days old (still no teeth). And since he's only four months old, when something's bothering him, he can only communicate with me via a series of long, drawn-out whines. So he started in on his teething whine, stopping every few minutes to jam his fingers down his throat, trying desperately to end his misery. Fun times.

Not to be outdone, Zoey, despite the fact that she's almost three years old, also chose to communicate with me via a series of long, drawn-out whines. So both children started whining in unison, each getting louder to try to obtain my immediate attention. I would pick one child up, hold it for a few minutes, walk it around the room, and put it down. Pick up the other child, hold it for a few minutes, walk it around the room, and put it down. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. At times, I was actually carrying both kids at the same time.

The next morning, Zoey told us her mouth hurt. We looked inside and saw little tiny red bumps on her throat. Thinking it was strep, we rushed her to the pediatrician. The doctor told us "Zoey just has Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Disease."

Some advice to any pediatricians out there: never use the words "[your child] just has" and "disease" in the same sentence. If you deal with overly neurotic parents like myself, you're liable to end up with a parent lying on your examination table as well.

After I ceased hyperventilating, the pediatrician informed me that Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Disease was just a common viral infection and was nothing to worry about. "Why do they call it a disease, then?" the tiny cynical voices started murmuring in my head. "She's lying to you. She just doesn't want to deal with you freaking out on her." The doctor also told us there was a good chance that Zed, Ella, and I would catch it as well.

So after I got home and started looking up information on the disease on the web, I soon found out that the pediatrician wasn't just trying to prevent a scene; she was actually telling me the truth.

The next morning, Zoey was her usual sweet self. No fever. No whining. Zed, on the other hand, was coughing and crying when he ate. Despite the fact that we had just been told no less than twenty-four hours before that there was a good chance that Zed would come down with Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Disease, we took him to the pediatrician anyway. And yes, he had Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Disease as well. But he took a little longer to get over his than Zoey did.

And in case you're wondering, Ella and I caught it too. Only I evidently ordered the deluxe version, as I got a mild case of pleurisy with mine. But we're all better now. And the County Health Department has removed the Quarantine warning sticker from our front door.

The Three Little Hippie Pigs

Posted by Chag on July 20, 2005 at 11:30 PM

Zoey likes a good book. Some of her favorites are Horton Hears A Who!, The Cat In The Hat, Green Eggs And Ham, and One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. You know, the classics. In fact, I have read One Fish so many times, I just about know it by heart. Zoey nearly does as well.

But every once in awhile, when I'm feeling particularly creative (or if I just don't care what Horton hears anymore), I'll make up a story to tell her. These stories usually involve beautiful princesses named Zoey, handsome princes named Zed, valiant heroes named Daddy, and fierce fire-breathing dragons named Mommy (Sorry Ella, but when the cat's away . . . the big mouse tries to get the baby mice on his side because he knows when the cat comes home from work the baby mice will scurry to the cat and forget all about the big mouse. Yeah, I got issues.).

Zoey has begun making up her own stories lately. Since she's no wordsmith, her tales amount to little more than severely bastardized Cliffs Notes versions of tales she's already heard.

Her stories are only two sentences long. The first one always begins "Once upon a time," because even the youngest authors know any story worth telling must start with these four simple words. The second sentence is always the same: "The end."

Today's story was Zoey's version of The Three Little Pigs.

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs and they loved everybody and they went to the farm and they sleeped. The end.

Shakespeare ain't got nothing on my Zoey. I'm expecting a call from Random House any day now.

Stand By Your Ma'am

Posted by Chag on July 13, 2005 at 6:22 PM

Let me drop some Seuss-inspired rhymes on ya:

Zoey can say words like Kalamazoo,
Rhinoceros, elephant, and jaguar too.
But try as she might, my friend, try as she may,
There's one little word poor Zoey can't say.

Zoey can't say the word man.

Man. M-A-N. One syllable, three letters. Man. M. A. N.

Instead of man, Zoey says ma'am.

So, in Zoey's world, a snowman is a snowma'am. An ice cream man is an ice cream ma'am. When she pretends she's Swiper the Fox, she exclaims, "Oh, ma'am!"

You get the picture.

Of course, maybe I shouldn't be concerned. Maybe I just have a budding feminist on my hands.

I Don't Want To Be Buried In A Pet Sematary

Posted by Chag on July 12, 2005 at 11:33 PM

Zoey does not have any imaginary friends. She has plenty of real friends, and since she's so headstrong, she can make them do whatever she wants. So the need for imaginary friends that can be easily controlled hasn't arisen yet.

But she doesn't have a pet.

See where I'm headed with this?

Zoey has an imaginary cat. Zoey has an imaginary dog. Zoey has an imaginary turtle, fish, rabbit, elephant—you name the animal, she has one for a pet. Apparently, Zoey has an imaginary zoo.

And every imaginary animal is named Freako. I have no earthly idea how she came up with that name. I don't think I really want to know.

But here's the really twisted part: none of the animals live in our house. They all live in Heaven. So not only does my poor child have so many imaginary animals that she had to give them all the same name, but they keep dying on her as well. Imagine all the imaginary guilt she must have stored up inside of her.

I do not know what caused all the imaginary carnage. Perhaps they were all imaginarily run over by imaginary cars. Or perhaps one of her imaginary animals became imaginarily infected with some imaginary disease and imaginarily transmitted it to the rest of the imaginary zoo.

Regardless, I know I won't be getting her a real pet anytime soon. Not until she can at least take better care of her imaginary ones.

Al Roker And The Girls Of Hi-5

Posted by Chag on July 11, 2005 at 11:17 PM

This has to be my favorite kids' television moment of the month, if not the year.

I Tivo'd Today two weeks ago because Laurie Berkner was scheduled to perform two songs. Zoey is a big Laurie fan and Zed always turns to the television when he hears one of her videos. And, believe it or not, her music's actually pretty decent, especially for children's music.

Anyway, Al Roker was sitting on the couch betwixt his two female cohosts. Sorry, I've never really watched Today so I don't know their names. Actually, I don't understand why anyone watches Today. It's basically just three hours' worth of recipes, celebrities pimping their latest vehicles, boring human interest stories, inane chatter, and, for some unknown reason, weather reports every fifteen minutes. Christ, if anyone needs the weather report that badly, couldn't they just switch it to The Weather Channel?

So they broadcast a clip of the next day's Today's musical guest, Hi-5, which, oddly enough, I can also stomach. Here is a transcript of Al Roker watching this clip:

Wow. I haven't seen them. Wow, that's freaky. Let's look at some more of that. Whoo. Wow.

They cut back to Roker and the cohosts and Roker's sitting on the edge of his seat, staring at the monitor. It was quite obvious Roker was enamored with the girls. So the kind people in the control booth began playing another clip just for Al. Here's what he had to say this time:

Oh yeah. Karaoke for the kids. Wow. Little something for the dads jumping around there, too. That's all right.

Which was met with nervous laughter from his female cohosts.

Needless to say, Al wasn't allowed any onscreen time with the girls of Hi-5 (sounds like a Playboy pictorial) the next day.

Honey, What Are Finger Chingers?

Posted by Chag on July 10, 2005 at 11:32 PM

Tonight Ella and I took Zoey and Zed to a Chinese buffet. Ella was going up to get Zoey's food when Zoey said, "Mommy, I want some finger chingers."

We were both puzzled.

"Chicken fingers?" I asked.

"Finger chingers!" she told us.

"What do you want?" Ella asked.

"Finger chingers!" Zoey was beginning to get frustrated with her parents' lack of English comprehension.

Not knowing what to do, Ella finally said, "Honey, what are finger chingers?"

Finally, Zoey pointed to a lady at the table across from us, eating her meal with chopsticks. "Finger chingers!" she shouted.

Does anyone feel her use of the phrase finger chingers for chopsticks sounds vaguely racist? Me too.

In other food-related news, on Friday, Zoey was eating a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Of course, this was only after a fifteen-minute tantrum because I told her we were out of Lunchables. Anyway, she held up a small piece of the sandwich and proclaimed, "Daddy, this looks like a saxophone!" Of course, it looked nothing like a saxophone, but I agreed and praised her nonetheless. But then I thought, should I put it on Ebay? Surely some idiot would buy it. Or maybe just cut out the middleman and proposition Golden Palace? Unfortunately, she had eaten it before I figured out a way to make some quick cash from her overactive imagination.

The Cynical Dad Jukebox (Song Of The Day Archives)

Posted by Chag on July 09, 2005 at 11:56 PM

On December 23, 2006, I started appending all my posts with a music video from YouTube. I have entirely too much fun finding songs to share with you guys. Some of you have asked me to start compiling my Songs Of The Day in one list. Here you go:

3rd Bass The Gas Face
4 Non Blondes What's Up?
Adam And The Ants Friend Or Foe
Against Me! Stop
Christina Aguilera Beautiful
Air Supply Making Love Out Of Nothing At All
Alice In Chains Would?
The All-American Rejects Move Along
Tori Amos Past The Mission
Antsy Pants Vampire
Fiona Apple Across The Universe
Aqueduct Growing Up With GNR
Art Brut Formed A Band
The Automatic Monster
Eric B. & Rakim Paid In Full
Bangles Hazy Shade Of Winter
Bay City Rollers Saturday Night
Beastie Boys Hey Ladies
Beck Sexx Laws
Belle & Sebastian Piazza, New York Catcher
Pat Benatar We Belong
Big Audio Dynamite Rush
Big Star I'm In Love With A Girl
Bjork It's Oh So Quiet
Black Kids I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You
Blondie Dreaming
Blue Murder Jelly Roll
Blur Girls & Boys
Bon Jovi Runaway
Boogie Down Productions My Philosophy
Boomtown Rats Rat Trap
Bracket Flea Market
Billy Bragg Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards
Brighton Port Authority Toe Jam
Bobby Brown Don't Be Cruel
Lindsey Buckingham Holiday Road
BulletBoys Smooth Up In Ya
Camper Van Beethoven Take The Skinheads Bowling
Jim Carroll People Who Died
Celebrity Skin Hello [video has been removed]
Cinderella Shelter Me
Kelly Clarkson Since U Been Gone
Cockney Rebel Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me)
Concrete Blonde Happy Birthday
Julian Cope World Shut Your Mouth
Elvis Costello And The Attractions (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love And Understanding
Cracker Euro Trash Girl
Crowded House Better Be Home Soon
The Cure Never Enough
Daisy Chainsaw Love Your Money
Dangerous Toys Teas'n, Pleas'n
Terence Trent D'Arby If You All Get To Heaven
Dashboard Confessional Vindicated
David & David Welcome To The Boomtown
Kimya Dawson Loose Lips
Dead Or Alive Brand New Lover
Deep Purple Love Is All (Butterfly Ball)
Dexys Midnight Runners Come On Eileen
Neil Diamond Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show
Diesel Sausalito Summernight
Dinosaur Jr. Feel The Pain
Celine Dion Because You Loved Me
Dire Straits Romeo And Juliet
Dramarama What Are We Gonna Do?
The Dresden Dolls Shores Of California
Eels Mr. E's Beautiful Blues
ELO Do Ya
EMF Unbelievable
Faith No More Just A Man
Faster Pussycat You're So Vain
The Flaming Lips The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song
Fleetwood Mac The Chain
Flesh For Lulu I Go Crazy
The Flirts Jukebox (Don't Put Another Dime)
Ben Folds Five Best Imitation Of Myself
Fool's Garden Lemon Tree
Frankie Goes To Hollywood Two Tribes
Ace Frehley New York Groove
Frente! Open Up Your Heart And Let The Sun Shine In
Garbage When I Grow Up
Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive
Gene Loves Jezebel Jealous
Crispin Glover Ben
Green Day Jesus Of Suburbia
Guns N' Roses Rocket Queen
Hanoi Rocks Ice Cream Summer
Screamin' Jay Hawkins I Put A Spell On You
Hedwig And The Angry Inch Wig In A Box
Hoodoo Gurus What's My Scene
The Hooters And We Danced
House Of Pain Jump Around
The Human League (Keep Feeling) Fascination
Billy Idol Hot In The City
Imperial Drag Boy Or A Girl
The J. Geils Band Angel In Blue
Janet Jackson Nasty
Jackson 5 ABC
James Laid
Jane's Addiction Ted, Just Admit It...
Jellyfish The King Is Half-Undressed
The Jesus And Mary Chain Head On
Joan Jett and Paul Westerberg Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love)
Kelis Milkshake
Kelly Txt Msg Brkup
Kermit The Frog The Rainbow Connection
The Killers Glamourous Indie Rock 'N' Roll
The Kinks A Well Respected Man
KLF Justified And Ancient
The Knack My Sharona
L7 Pretend We're Dead
LA Guns I Wanna Be Your Man
Avril Lavigne Girlfriend
Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins Rise Up With Fists
Lick The Tins Can't Help Falling In Love
The Living End Roll On
LL Cool J Mama Said Knock You Out
Local H All The Kids Are Right
Love And Rockets No New Tale To Tell
Ludo Love Me Dead
The Magnetic Fields All My Little Words
Manic Street Preachers Suicide Is Painless
Marilyn Manson The Dope Show
Biz Markie Just A Friend
Marvelous 3 Freak Of The Week
Matchbox Twenty Bright Lights
Malcolm McLaren You Need Hands
Gerard McMann Cry Little Sister
Me First And The Gimme Gimmes Goodbye Earl
Meat Loaf Paradise By The Dashboard Light
George Michael Freedom! '90
Ingrid Michaelson The Way I Am
Bette Midler The Rose
Mika Lollipop
Ministry Stigmata
Moby We Are All Made Of Stars
Modern English I Melt With You
The Moldy Peaches Who's Got The Crack?
The Monkees Pleasant Valley Sunday
Alanis Morissette Uninvited
Mother Love Bone Stardog Champion
Mr. Mister Kyrie
Mr. Show The Joke: The Musical
Mudhoney Generation Spokesmodel
The Muffs Sad Tomorrow
My Chemical Romance Welcome To The Black Parade
My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult Sex On Wheels
Naughty By Nature O.P.P.
Ned's Atomic Dustbin Grey Cell Green
Ricky Nelson Poor Little Fool
Nena 99 Red Balloons
The Nightmare Before Christmas This Is Halloween
Nine Inch Nails Something I Can Never Have
Night Ranger Sister Christian
The North American Halloween Prevention Initiative Do They Know It's Halloween?
Oasis Cigarettes And Alcohol
Sinead O'Connor The Emperor's New Clothes
The Outfield Your Love
Pavement Cut Your Hair
Peaches & Herb Reunited
Michael Penn No Myth
Liz Phair Fuck And Run
Poison Talk Dirty To Me
The Police Can't Stand Losing You
Barry Louis Polisar All I Want Is You
The Postal Service Nothing Better
Poster Children If You See Kay
Cat Power Sea Of Love
The Primitives Crash
Prince Starfish And Coffee [video has been removed]
The Prodigy Firestarter
The Psychedelic Furs Pretty In Pink
Public Enemy Fight The Power
Public Image Limited Rise
Pulp Common People
Queen And David Bowie Under Pressure
Quiet Riot Thunderbird
The Rainmakers Drinkin' On The Job [video has been removed]
Joey Ramone What A Wonderful World
Ramones Rockaway Beach
R.E.M. It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
The Rentals Friends Of P.
The Righteous Brothers Rock And Roll Heaven
Rollins Band Liar
Romeo Void Never Say Never
Rooney When Did Your Heart Go Missing?
Scandal Goodbye To You
School Of Fish Three Strange Days
Shakespeare's Sister Stay
Shampoo Trouble
Coyote Shivers Living With Me
Sigue Sigue Sputnik Is This The Future?
Simian La Breeze
Jessica Simpson These Boots Are Made For Walkin'
Siouxsie And The Banshees Peek-A-Boo
Skid Row Youth Gone Wild
Sly & The Family Stone Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)
Smashing Pumpkins Tonight, Tonight
Jill Sobule Supermodel
Social Distortion Story Of My Life
Sonic Youth Chapel Hill
Soul Coughing Super Bon Bon
Soundgarden Jesus Christ Pose
The Soup Dragons Divine Thing
Spacehog Cruel To Be Kind
Sparks Eaten By The Monster Of Love
Spoon I Turn My Camera On
Dusty Springfield Son Of A Preacher Man
Squirrel Nut Zippers Hell
Gwen Stefani Wind It Up
Stroke 9 Little Black Backpack
The Strokes Someday
Stryper Calling On You
Styx Come Sail Away
Suicidal Tendencies Institutionalized
Supergrass Pumping On Your Stereo
Sweet Ballroom Blitz
Talking Heads (Nothing But) Flowers
Teenage Fanclub What You Do To Me
Tesla Love Song
Thompson Twins Hold Me Now
Three Dog Night Eli's Coming
Too Much Joy King Of Beers [video has been removed]
Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players Mountain Trip To Japan, 1959
Transvision Vamp I Want Your Love
T. Rex 20th Century Boy
Twisted Sister We're Not Gonna Take It
Ugly Kid Joe Everything About You
Frankie Valli Can't Take My Eyes Off You
Townes Van Zandt Dead Flowers
Suzanne Vega Blood Makes Noise
The Velvet Underground Rock And Roll
Sid Vicious My Way
Rufus Wainwright Hallelujah
Butch Walker Lights Out
War Why Can't We Be Friends
Warrant Sometimes She Cries
The Weekend 80s Rockstar
Ween Push Th' Little Daisies
Weezer The Good Life
Scott Weiland Barbarella
Wham! Everything She Wants
Wheatus Teenage Dirtbag
White Lion Wait
The White Stripes Hotel Yorba
The Who A Quick One While He's Away
Kim Wilde Kids In America
Saul Williams List Of Demands (Reparations)
Amy Winehouse Rehab
The Wombats Let's Dance To Joy Division
Wreckless Eric Whole Wide World
The Zutons Valerie

Christmas Music

David Bowie & Bing Crosby Little Drummer Boy
Cracker Merry Christmas, Emily
The Darkness Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End
Everclear I Will Be Hating You For Christmas
Fall Out Boy Yule Shoot Your Eye Out
The Flaming Lips Christmas In The Zoo
Ben Folds Bizarre Christmas Incident
Hall & Oates Jingle Bell Rock
Hellogoodbye Winter Wonderland
The Killers Don't Shoot Me, Santa
The Kinks Father Christmas
Greg Lake I Believe In Father Christmas
Manic Street Preachers Ghost Of Christmas
My Chemical Romance All I Want For Christmas Is You
The Pogues Featuring Kristy MacColl Fairytale Of New York
The Raveonettes The Christmas Song
RUN-D.M.C. Christmas In Hollis
Slade Merry Christmas, Everybody
Jill Sobule Merry Christmas From The Family
Billy Squier Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You
Sufjan Stevens Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance!
Twisted Sister Oh Come All Ye Faithful
U2 Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Rufus Wainwright Spotlight On Christmas
The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping
The Wombles Wombling Merry Christmas

Guest DJs

...For A Different Kind Of Girl
Duran Duran Careless Memories
INXS The One Thing
The Rainmakers Spend It On Love
U2 The Fly
Paul Young Come Back And Stay

Hopeless Cases
Archers Of Loaf Harnessed In Slums
Happy Go Licky Suzuki
The Obsessed Streetside
Pegboy Superstar
Turbonegro Denim Demon

Motherbumper
Big Drill Car In Green Fields
The Cult She Sells Sanctuary
The Doughboys Fix Me
Rocket From The Crypt Ditch Digger
Temple Of The Dog Hunger Strike
White Zombie Thunder Kiss '65

Tales From The Dad Side
The Amboy Dukes Journey To The Center Of The Mind
Black Grape Reverend Black Grape
Blues Traveler Hook
Chuck Mangione Feels So Good
Pure Anna Is A Speed Freak
Screaming Trees Witness
Stone Roses Love Spreads

The Wind In Your Vagina
Rob Base It Takes Two

The Cynical Dad Blogroll

Posted by Chag on July 08, 2005 at 11:26 PM

Hi. If you are a blogger who writes about your kids and don't see your name on the list, email me and I'll add you to the list.

CALCULATIONS OF CONSTANTS

CALCULATIONS OF VARIABLES

Christmas Music

Guest DJs

DADS

MOMS

Parental TAG TEAMS

Music For Kids (But Not Necessarily Kids' Music)

Parenting Resources/Collectives

It's Not All About The Kids